Isla

It's been a month since xabf of only 3 months ended it: 'need time alone, need to sort myself out...'

This forum has steered me to recovery. I'd never been around alcoholism before and I'm shocked at how much it has affected me.

I have been up - moments of joy and huge relief, the reality of not worrying, fretting, trying to find the answers to his problems... and I've been down - crying nearly every day.

Looking back i realise the relationship was not sustainable. He tried and we had a good time while it lasted. There were only so many times he could binge and say sorry and repeat how he was going to get help...

Now a few weeks have gone by I can admit that I wasn't happy. Sometimes he wasn't very nice to me - nothing too bad, he just had this look of destain in his face sometimes and the odd time he'd say 'get off' and push me away. He explained that the day after a binge I couldn't come near him and I understood that. He was very romantic and loving at first but it was like he ran out of manners!

i see now that i was falling for his potential and that's not fair on him. He is a good guy but he's self-loathing and drunk. He must drink and drive.. he looks awful sometimes.. I can admit all this now!!

Anyway - just wanted to get all this off my chest. I still see him most days in the car and we wave. I get a kind of fix from that but it's not as big a deal as it was before. I don't hear from anyone how he's doing. Sadly, through learning on this forum I have come to accept that, for whatever reasons, binge drinking is what he does and who he is - the likelihood of him changing is very slim and even if he does get sober he could be a very different person without the drink as a crutch.

PHEW! That felt good!