PinkPixie

A few months go things began to get realy stressful for my boy friend with work, school, and his parents. Weed was something he used to smoke everyone once in a wile. He tried not to because he knew it bothered me. But the worse things got for him the more he smoked it. And the more he smoked it the worse things got. He lost his job, was failing all his classes and ran away from home. A huge strain was put on our relationship, we even broke up for a couple of weeks. Then it got even worse and he started doing things like steal money from his friends.*with the way things were going it was likely he would end up in jail and soon. I had one last chance to plead for him to change his ways. He told me he truly loved me and I told him that if he did he needed to turn his life around or we wouldn't be able to be together. I think I got through to him because that day he went home to work things out with his parents. (they had him listed as a run away). His parents checked him out of school and into rehab. I havnt seen him since, I don't know where he is or when I will ever see him again. And that brings me great anxiety.*I have forgiven him for hurting me, I no longer feel angry. But i still feel that terrible aching pain in my chest. My heart has been broken before so I know that it gets easier each day and will eventually be healed, but this time seem like a greater blow. I feel like the people who were supose to love me have treated me the worse. I can't eat or sleep. My friends have all pointed out to me how thin Ive been getting, I recodnize it. But I feel so nausious all the time, I just can't eat. When I'm not thinking abot how much I miss my boy friend I'm thinking about suicide. I have so many dear friends that care about me and I don't want to hurt them by taking my own life away.*
I just want all the pain to go away. Everyone has been saying terrible things about him. They say he'll never change and that he's a bad guy. I believe he has a good heart but his addiction has gotten the best of him. I found out that wile we were broken he got high and had sex with another girl. I shouldn't feel bad for myself, he never talked to that girl again. She was a rebound and he used her for sex. I feel bad for her. But it still hurts me because I hate the idea of him being with someone eles.
Pot had overcome him and turned him into someone eles. Like Peter Parker in spider man 3 with the evil black goo stuff. I could see his internal struggle to fight it. I'm glad he's finally getting the help he needs. But I miss him so much and I hate waiting to see what happens next. I know he can only change for himself not for me. But I hope that he wants to change for himself so that he can be with me.**
I just feel so anxious, hurt and scared.*

pinkrose77

i'm sorry you're going through this. i am in a similar situation with my boyfriend, but at least your boyfriend decided to go get help. it's tough to be in this situation, because he's not the only one struggling. you were completely innocent in this, yet somehow you end up feeling alone and hurt. the only thing that has been helping me is the serenity prayer.

god, grant me the serenity to accept what i cannot change
the courage to change what i can
and the wisdom to know the difference

it gets hard and lonely sometimes, but the way i find is best to deal, is throwing myself into my schoolwork, something i can control. we can't control our significant others, and if love could cure addiction, there would be no addicts. as hard as it is, the only way to move on from this is to do the best you can for yourself in the mean time.

OceanSize

i am also dealing with a pot smoker.

i didn't know until i came here that there were other people in these situations.

the man i am dealing with is an attorney and is not screwing up at work. it is the one area where he is extremely functional. All other facets of his life are a mess.

he has not contacted me for 7 days. when last we interacted in person he was cruel, cold, and completely unable to come back to earth into a human place where a conversatin could be had.

yet now he is all over the internet, conversing on twitter, message boards, and even with a friend of mine in my book club. He is behaving (online) as if nothing is wrong, which shows me how sick he is, and that he is not getting help for his severe depression (i actually think he is a bi-polar). (there's no way to know, since he won't get help)

it seems to not matter to him that this is a difficult situation and that his choices and actions and silence are painful.

but i have no idea what is really going on.

i know i am in pain.

dopedout

Are you imagining suicide just because the thought of it would bring some relief/escape or are you thinking about actually harming yourself? When I got really bad (not related to my addicted wife) with my depression, I did think about suicide. I have to admit that I did, and I considered it. The only reason I didn't do anything was because of my kids. I know that our loved ones can offer that kind of light from the darkness, and if you feel that way, you should run to the light. If you see the people who love you whose feelings you are most concerned about in terms of your well being, you should try to involve them even more in your life right now. Call them, write them, look at their pictures, whatever. They aren't just incidental to your daily life -- their feelings, your knowledge of their feelings and how they feel about you -- those are real things that make you the person you are.

ok, I'll stop with that -- but keep us posted please! The feelings come and go -- suicide accomplishes nothing and only adds to the pain. You obviously already know that, but, so do I, and I still thought about it, so I'm sorry if I'm stating the obvious but I don't want you to do anything like that.

I haven't eaten in days. I made myself breakfast this morning and had to force it down, and all I had yesterday was a couple of bananas and some pretzels, and the day before that I had a few slices of a frozen pizza...etc --- I think the appetite will just come. I am grateful for the one piece of me that makes me disinclined to addiction -- I smoke pot for stomach problems and appetite problems as it is, but I haven't smoked at all since my wife left to go to detox last week even tho I know it will make me eat SOMETHING, anything, because I'm too depressed to motivate myself to want to eat.

It sucks you're going through this. Love sucks. Is it the only thing that can only end in pain that we still jump right into? I've had my heart broken in the past, and I thought I loved people before, but that was all child's play compared to how my wife makes me feel. I didn't love my first wife. It was a mess. She could hurt me, criticize me, betray me, and I was ok -- I wasn't really "ok" but it didn't get to me like Z does -- maybe the reason that my wife is sick of me now and needs to get away from me to recover is because I need her too much. Excellent -- see, I just gave myself a great reason to beat myself up some more. Yay. Love.

How long has it been since you saw him? If I'm still not eating by this weekend I might start to worry about myself...I'm hoping the appetite comes back soon. I thought that the longer I went without really eating, the hungrier I'd be when I started feeling better. But I wanted to eat this morning and still couldn't. So I don't know.

If I promise to eat something real tonite, like a small meal or something, will you do the same? I could use the motivation.

teke

welcome to sr.
sorry you are hurting but know that you've come to a good place for support. i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs sobriety and had to go through several rehabs before i became serious about my recovery. one thing about rehab is that its not a cure all, there is a lot of self work that have to be done after release. addiction is a life long process and so is recovery.

that being said, newly in rehab, it is suggest mostly that the addict spends their time completely focusing on themselves, the inner self. its a very good thing that he's in rehab. his not contacting you probably has nothing at all to do with his feelings for you or about you. its likely, he may not be able yet to contact loved ones on the outside, due to rules there. try not to take it personal. sucide is not the answer, you working your own recovery is so began to focus on you.

i was also married to an active addict for 24yrs and i know that anyone who loves an addict, usually need support too. it would help if you could check out alanon or naranon f2f support groups for yourself, keep coming here, posting/reading others stories, and if possible, counseling.

you are not alone, we all all here for the same reasons, we love someone who is addicted. in time, you will probably hear from him, so try to allow him the space he needs to do what he has to do for him to get better and in the mean time, you do the same. sounds to me, he's following your suggestions by agreeing to go into rehab. hope this makes sense.

i will keep you and your bf in my prayers.

PinkPixie

Thank you all for your stories, it's wonderful to know I'm not alone. I'm very surprised to see how many others are in my same situation.

I think about ending my own life to relieve the pain, and also another thing people say about my bf is that he won't change untill he's spent years in jail or someone has died. It's a very sick and twisted thought but I wonder if his gf killing himself would give him the motivation he needs. Or it could make things much worse.
I know that I'm young, and I have had other relationships before, this one has just been very special and (obviously) I realy hate to let it go. I'm not ready to give up on him, although everyone eles has and sees him as a lost cause.

I havnt seen him in almost two weeks but it feels like it's been months.

Dopedout, I will eat something tonight if you will. I'll let you know what I had.

Thank you all so much for your advice, comments and support. I think Ive been feeling so alone because no one eles could relate to or understand how I feel. But now I don't feel so alone, thank you so much.

dopedout

But to what end? If he does love you and he goes through all of that and you're not there at the end of it, then all you've done is take away the person he loves, which is what he's done to you.

No no -- I understand your feelings, but try to stay in control of them at least about this. I think that, for me, that period of time when I was fantasizing about suicide was a period of time when I was simply obsessed with escape -- to the extent that I failed to think of anything else. Even when I wasn't thinking about suicide, my thoughts were always drawn out, away from me, to pointless and unproductive things -- I developed a habit of "solving" every problem by just quitting on it. It's not good for your brain to go into fantasy mode like that for extended lengths of time, even if you don't actually act on it.

This is a trick that (sniff sniff) Z and I both try to do when we're feeling really anxious -- we both tend to build things up so that when we're trying to go to sleep, our minds race over all the bad and worrisome things -- a late bill that hadn't bothered me all day will suddenly become the worst thing in the world, and I can't sleep because I imagine all kinds of craziness coming from that single problem. So, instead, we try to use that time to deliberately think about GOOD fantasies. It takes some time (and it's not working right at the moment, so ... take this for what it's worth), but now nighttime in bed is when I try to imagine winning the lottery, selling my novel, getting a great job, going on a big huge vacation with Z -- it doesn't need to be realistic...the more absurd, the better -- it trains your mind to see the brighter side of things instead of the bad side. Because these fantasies can be VERY powerful -- as a student of philosophy and psychology, I can tell you that many brilliant thinkers believe, with a great deal of evidence, that it is our fantasy of the world around us that makes us do everything we do. We respond not to what really "is" out there, but to what we invent, and we begin inventing from a very early age. This doesn't have to be Freudian and ridiculous and dreamy -- but that thing our brain does that imagines scenarios and plays them out and assigns qualities to people and places and feelings -- that's literally how we get through the day. It's how we cope with the world.

I sound like I'm lecturing -- I'm not trying to -- all I mean is that we are designed to "slip" into these fantasies not because we're screwed up but because we're wired to. And, as such, slipping into these fantasies (even the ones like suicide) can be inviting -- they can feel warm and comfortable -- not because of what you're thinking about doing, but because you're used to playing situations in your head, and so, playing a situation in your head is something you want to do. I'm not suggesting that you go through life pretending that you're seeing flowers and bunnies everywhere -- I'm just suggesting that, since you know that the suicide fantasies are objectively bad, why not try to change them into something else? You're going to invent something anyway, why not make it better?

Now, had I taken my own advice back when I was feeling like you are feeling now, when I used to imagine myself driving my car into a tree or something, I might try to imagine myself driving across the finish line at the Indy 500. Try it -- just try it -- when you start to envision or imagine yourself doing harm to yourself, or even preparing to, or whatever, don't back out of it, but just give yourself a different thing to do in that little scene -- something awesome. Something fun and stupid and unimaginably wonderful. And then keep doing it, as often as you can think of it. If you succeed at re-imagining that scene even occasionally, even if sometimes it's too unbearable to imagine anything else, then you're still improving.

Ok, so my meeting is at 7:45 so however long those last, then I'll be back, and I will eat a dinner. (and I'm going to do it without taking a puff of weed first, because if I'm asking you to change your brain-workings, the least I can do is make this a drug-free meal)

pinkrose77

i think the hardest part of being with someone who is using, is seeing the potential they have to be amazing, and watching it vanish before your eyes. addiction recovery is a process not just for the addict, but everyone involved. you have to realize that there is nothing you can do to make him change. if love could cure addiction there would be no addicts. we can only control our own behavior, and the best way to start feeling better is to focus on things you can control. its easier said than done, im struggling myself, but i know if i love myself enough, thats all i can do right now.

dopedout

OK - it wasn't much, but it was something -- I had two slices of pizza and some yogurt.

So -- now your turn!

How are you feeling?

Krys

It is really hard, and can definitely feel hopeless at times. I have had those moments too when I thought it could never get better. I am pretty new to this and still have tough days, but knowing that I can not control him, that I do not have to stay with him, and that I can control my own life helps. You are not powerless! It is great that he is getting help, but more importantly it sounds like you need some support of your own. As difficult as it is you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes just doing the little things like hanging out with a friend or doing something you love to do is enough to lift the fog.

PinkPixie

That's ok I didn't have much either, I had a cup of vegstable soup abs nibbled on a bit of corn bread.

I'm feeling alot better, I still have little moments where I stop and think about then feel pretty bad. I've been getting better at finding ways to get my mind off it. This fourm has been realy helpful too, it's helped me to see that I'm not alone

PinkPixie

Oh, and yes pinkrose, I would have to agree with you. I would always tell him that too, that I could see so much potential in him and was killing me to watch him throw all away. Hopefully has he's getting help he will finally see it too.

And you are all right, I need to focus on helping myself right now. I'm making sure that I get the help I need as well.