Saint Francis

In Florida, now after a DUI, the person is required to put an Interlock Breathalizer (sp) device on his/her car for a year in order to have a license. This has been a godsend to me for the past year because it lays down the law for the AH, stops him from driving drunk, makes him think about the consequences of his drinking (unable to drive for 4 hours after a positive reading), and takes the worry away that he will harm himself or someone else for drinking and driving. Yes, it's costly (probably $800 for the year), but well worth it. The problem is, this is about to change because the year is up soon.

Now what??? I'm in a state of panic again. Will I have to be the "Interlock device?" Will I have to try to stop him from all the consequences that will inevitably happen now? He has occasionally "stolen" my car when he can't start his. The reason is always to pick up a 12 pack. He has occasionally "stolen" our company vehicles for the same reason but he's not insured on those. I could hypothetically lose everything, but if I divorce him, I'm guaranteed to lose 1/2. What do I do?

I can say that a DUI or drunken accident is all but certain within the next year. He will lose his license for 5 years. He will be in jail for a while (month). He will expect me to bail him out, although I swore that I would not will not. He will be an even bigger crybaby and an even more useless drunk after this occurs and expect me, mommy, to take care of it. I see my future, and it looks bleak. I don't want to lose my home, my job (our business), and everything else I've worked so hard for. Divorce will cause this, and so will his drinking and driving. D*mned if I do, d*mned if I don't. Really could use some advice on what to do or a way to make the Interlock a permanent fixture on his car.

suki44883

You cannot control him. This is the thing you have got to understand and accept. He is going to do whatever he wants to do. If that means another DUI and jail time, so be it. You need to protect yourself legally and I would suggest a consultation with an attorney to see how best to do that. That does not mean divorce, necessarily, just advice on how to protect yourself from his destructive ways. I also suggest that you find and attend Al-Anon meetings. They can help you learn to detach from his madness and take care of yourself.

CAPTAINZING2000

I'd like to see them lengthen the time for a second and a third DUI.


My son got a DUI before he went to Afghanistan. he didn't have to have a machine put it at that time. he came back home and got a second and a third DUI a month after getting his second one. He's still drinking. He knows, he has a drinking problem. I'd rather him never drive again unless, he does something about his drining.

Learn2Live

I agree with suki, it is out of your hands. Let Go and Let God. Try Al-Anon.

JoeVet

The problem with letting this go and letting God sort it out is that this attitude puts other people's lives at risk. I am looking into how to add one of these devises to my cars. I found one on line for $1100 plus installation. I think it is reasonable to install this. It is a consequence of RAW's drinking. But I am also paying for this vehicle and I am on the title.

CAPTAINZING2000

Is your wife's name on the title or insurance?

suki44883

The thing is, her name is also on the title and the insurance. As far as anyone else is concerned, it is as much her car as it is yours and you are in Thailand and she and the car are here in the states. All the interlock devices in the world will not stop a person from drinking and, yes, driving, if they want to badly enough. I see a lot of this as an attempt to control another person.

CAPTAINZING2000

doesn't the car shut down maybe, not while driving but, if you don't blow or have alcohol present? At least, that's what I was told. Friends of mine have told me if, there's a malfunction you better get to a police station and let them know ASAP.

suki44883

Yes, that's true, but since she has a legal right to access to the car and her name is on the title and the insurance, she has just as much right to have the device taken off or not allow it to be put on in the first place. If there is no court order demanding installation of the device, then she has as much say-so about it being on the car as he does. I am not saying that is fair, but it is what it is.

Saint Francis

Good advice. About getting an attorney, I did speak with one 2 years ago. She said that I'm liable property-wise and if he hurts someone if I have made no attempt to separate from him. If I started the divorce or legal separation, there could be some leniency for me.

I feel bad about saying "useless" but I was referring his uselessness when he is drunk. Otherwise, he is a great guy. Problem is, he's drunk or sleeping 90% of the time (no exaggeration). I just picked him up at home because he couldn't start his car and I needed a body in the office while I did some work outside the office. Of course, he lied and said his car battery was dead, until I blew and started his car. Just realize, in one month, this drunk guy is out on the road in the middle of the day, endangering everyone else on the road. There are more like him.

Learn2Live

I don't think cars have distributor caps anymore hahahaha LOL sorry Anvil I had to make light of it

JoeVet

So it seems that the consensus is that I cannot protect my property and the lives of others because it is an attempt to control her? This makes no sense to me. I don't know how anyone can be so cavalier about endangering lives. At worse she can try to involve the legal system and we can have them decide who has the legal right to do what. I doubt the courts would rule against the primary deed holder for simply installing a safety device. As far as who is in control of the property, that is me. I had it chained and disabled when she was found with the engine running, passed out with a box of wine. If there is any question of who controls it, she can try to push the issue. That is not likely to happen. Simply handing her the keys is unacceptable. This is not an attempt to control her. It is simply protecting my property and the public at large. This is not an attempt to control her. She can legally drive and if she can get full legal custody of a vehicle without having to comply with a co-owner's demand then no one can stop her. I however am a co-owner and can modify the vehicle as I like.

Learn2Live

St. Francis, can I ask you some questions? Are you often in a state of panic? Do you ever have peace and serenity in your life? Have you learned the tools that Al-Anon teaches us to deal with these types of problems?

You are in a state of panic again because you CHOOSE to return to a state of panic. Why would you want to spend your life serving as an Interlock device? Is that the purpose for which you were placed on Earth? How do you think you are going to have the strength and resources to prevent all the consequences of your husband's actions in order to keep it all together? If you did not live together, would he still be able to steal your car or the company cars?

In the end, how much does it really matter how much you "lost"? I have "lost" EVERYTHING (except my car and a few pieces of furniture I was able to store for free for several years), impoverished myself for YEARS in order to go to college so that I could start all over again, spent recent winters WITHOUT HEAT because I was so broke, and NONE of that matters. Material things just do not matter. You "lose" all your stuff, you can get MORE STUFF. None of those things matter.

I have NO alcoholics or addicts or otherwise sick individuals using me, abusing me, stealing from me, lying to me, cheating on me, screwing up my routine with their drama, messing up and stinking up my house, complaining, blaming, yelling at me, NONE of it. And I would give up EVERYTHING all over again to maintain this peace and serenity. Just think about it. There IS another way.

Saint Francis

Learn to Live,

That is precisely true. Somebody on SR has the moniker, "The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it." (Thoreau). This is the dilemma I struggle with. I believe what you did is correct, and I'm contemplating "losing everything" in an attempt to gain serenity, but my brain is all over the place.

If I take this leap of faith, I hope that I will think like you in a couple of years: that it was all worth it. Luckily, I do have a college degree but wanted to pursue owning a business. I'm just afraid of losing it, our lake home (which gives me some serenity), our cats, and material possessions. I've taken leaps of faith before but am getting old and out of practice, only taking 2 big risks in the last 12 years. I really, really liked what you said and about how you have serenity now and don't have to deal with the negatives.

Freedom1990

My brain was all over the place too for years. When I left my EXAH, it was a leap of faith.

Had I waited for my head to not be all over the place before I made that leap, I would have been dead by now.

I'm 52 years old and will finally be completing 2 college degrees this fall. I'm proud of that.

It's never too late in life to take an amazing new journey into the unknown, and have faith that God will be with you all the way.

Learn2Live

It's hard to make big changes like that, I agree. Especially when you have worked hard to get to where you are, and are comfortable in a lot of ways. My thing is, those damn alcoholics and addicts make me NUTS and I just have no patience left in my life for them. I have no time left to waste on dealing with these people who are LIFE WASTERS. They are like vampires who suck the life out of you and I hate for anyone to stay stuck in that.

My mother is 70 years old and it breaks my heart to see her sad watching folks out at dinner, celebrating their anniversaries and her 50th just passed with NO acknowledgment from my alcoholic father. No party. No congratulations. No present. No nothing. So often she has said to me that she would just like to have a spouse who will walk down the street and hold her hand. She has worked so HARD all these years, raised six children at poverty level, struggle after struggle and he won't even leave the house except to get beer and cigarettes, much less go somewhere with her and hold her hand. So sad What a THANKLESS job: Spouse of an alcoholic or spouse of an addict. Especially one with children.

There is just so much more to life than that. There are actually people you can marry who SMILE at you and don't argue with everything you say, who don't throw things at you, who come home every night, who don't pee on your clothes, throw up on your carpet, abuse your children, spend all your money. People who are conscious and aware and appreciative.

Thumper

You could always sell the car. No worries after that.