sahmto4

I don't know where to start...I started lurking yesterday and I can't believe how much of my life is written here on these threads. I just sit and nod my head.

A little about me. I am a 30 year old mother to 4 wonderful kids and a wife of an alcoholic for what will be 10 years in July...if we make it.

I didn't know detachment was part of the process, but I have already done that. I just don't care anymore. I try not to feel. We fight a lot. I'm almost sure that I want to rid myself of the poison in my life, and my kids' life.

He says he's done drinking. That he sees the pain he has caused. But I feel if I believe him again, I will be hit with the semi that has hit many sooo many times before. My empty threats do not help. But I've got all the paper work to move on this time....but do I do it.

We went to couples counseling but it didn't work because our counselor told my AH that she was biased because she was married to an alcoholic. He gave up and didn't participate anymore. I still need to go. I need to go to Al-Anon but I am embarrassed, ashamed, and scared of what he will do or so. Will it cause a fight?

My oldest son is 9 and is living my life all over again. Well, they all are. But he is understanding it and getting tired of it. I grew up with an alcoholic father and when my mom left him- it was the best day of my life. I wonder if my kids would feel the same. They try so hard to please their dad but it seems no matter what they do, like me, we fail at making him "happy".

So that's my life. Rock. Me. Hard place.

stella27

Hi Mama, welcome.

I think you should do whatever you can to get to al-anon meetings.
This will help you clear your head so that you can really see what your options are. Leaving may be the right thing and it may not, but you are probably not in a position to determine that right now.

Detachment is a great concept. Another is boundary-setting. Setting a boundary for you means that you do what's best for YOU and you let go of the outcome - if you going to al-anon might start a fight, well, that's too bad for him. You don't have to participate in a fight, and maybe you can find a meeting that happens while he is working.

Al-anon is for YOU and he doesn't necessarily have to know that you are going. the meetings will help you get soem clarity and to put yourself at the forefront of your mind. Your children's well-being is directly tied to yours.

Good luck - read often and post here - we all understand.

CashFan

welcome sa, God bless you for being such a great mother to them four children. Its great you found us here, and as for advice, you will get it here, but noone will judge you if you do not take it, they listen, and care. Thats why I keep coming back.

sahmto4

I should have mentioned, he works from home. So he knows every time I leave. I feel I have to OK every think with him and make sure he can watch the kids even when he isn't working.

I am starting to work on ME. I have taken up walking/running, working out, and spending time with great friends who I didn't know were "there" for me. They are OUR friends, but said will support me in whatever I decide to do b/c they see our relationship is unhealthy.

Thanks for welcoming me here. It already feels like a warm, inviting, home.

CashFan

thats the first step, a fitness group, you are already there hun. Get your body strong, and if you can do it with other women, thats a great step to building your confidence. I am one to swear by strength, exercise, a strong body to be proud of, and also defend yourself, if need be. Its good to get those steaming, pent up emotions, into physical activity.

TakingCharge999

Hi I hope you remember your happiness and your kids' is very important. He is not more important than you. Or anyone.

nodaybut2day

hi sahmto4...and WELCOME to SR! I'm really glad you found this place. The people here are wonderfully supportive and always ready to offer ESH (Experience, Strength, Hope).

Regarding going to Al-Anon meetings, I understand you apprehension. Is there a way you could go without your AH knowing? Perhaps there are daytime meetings when your children are in school/daycare. I know that what you do may cause conflict between you and your AH, but in my experience, there comes a point where you simply do not care anymore, because you realize that you need to put yourself first. Until you reach that point however, perhaps you can consider online meetings?

As for what your AH says...well, those are just words. Actions are what matter, and if your AH is truly dedicated to recovery, he'll DO what needs to be done, get himself in AA/counselling/rehab and accept that he is on a lifelong journey to sobriety. Everything else (words, promises, tears) is just fluff.

I hope you feel comfortable posting here as much as you need. That's what SR is for!

sahmto4

Our "talk" yesterday was again all about me...I want him to change, how I don't care, how I hurt him, etc. He said he doesn't feel like he can give 100% to trying to quit drinking but he's going to try. He won't answer the question- do you want to quit? And if you do....for who? You? Me and the kids? He doesn't answer it. He admits he's an alcoholic but does not see it as our "big" issue. Says we can't afford for him to go to rehab again, and he is unsure if he wants to do AA. He wants me to support him. I do not know how. I don't believe him. This is the ONLY issue I have. If he didn't get drunk and do (any number of things) we wouldn't be talking about how hurt I am over it.

He's upset that I just don't care anymore. I can't keep caring. I keep feeling like I failed as a wife, a best friend. I don't care if he goes and has a drink. I don't care that he is upset that I don't care. I JUST DO NOT CARE.

After our talk, he thought all was ok enough to ask me to lay down with him and have sex. I said no. Last night again, he tried. I said no. Today he is upset with me. Over that? I'm not sure. I am again walking on eggshells...trying not to stir the pot, but wondering what the hell.

I watch 2-3 other kids besides my own during the week so to get to a meeting is going to prove to be difficult. I didn't know about online meetings....do you have more info on this?

CashFan

I keep feeling like I failed as a wife,
get them dark thoughts out of your head. He is the one with the issues, not you. You didnt fail him. As soon as you can believe in yourself, you will never be free. Now dont peddle backwards, move forward, small baby steps even, just step forawrd, and wipe that negative attitude, it was not you, its him.

nodaybut2day

Blame shifting, plain and simple. "I'M not the problem, YOU are!". It's so commonly used it's boring.

Once again, here's my *favourite* classic reading, for your enjoyment. I think you'll find it eye-opening.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html

Since he won't answer your questions, perhaps it's time you stop asking them. This is just a way for him to keep you in the dance. Please try to remember the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

Nothing you do or say will make him change. You're not that powerful. You only have power over yourself. Seeing as you already see the futility of talking to him, it's time to step away from the alcoholic and focus on the most important person in the world: YOU!

Your children need a sane and happy mama. They deserve it.

Excuses. There are services offered that are free of charge. I'm sure other members will be along shortly with this information.

He wants you to enable him.

Why should you? After the years and years of hurt and lies...you have a right to be distrustful. Trust your instinct!

I'm so glad you realize this. You cannot keep caring for someone who's hell bent on self-destruction. Save yourself from this madness, for your sake and the sake of your children.

How about him...has he succeeded in being a true partner, good husband and father and best friend? It is NOT your job to save him from his addiction. Only he can do that.

He is attempting to re-establish a semblance of normalcy in your life, sex being the primary representative of a normal marital relationship. Good for you for not giving in when you didn't not want to. I wasn't so brave and often let my XAH have his way, just so he would leave me alone afterwards.

As for walking on eggshells, I remember that feeling clearly. I also remember thinking: Is this how I want my daughter to think of marriage? Do I want her to think that it's OK for a husband to treat his wife the way mine treats me?

Then I left.

Ok that's an oversimplication. I went to therapy, I consulted many lawyers, I stashed money and important papers away, I found SR and posted nonstop for weeks on end. AND THEN I left.

There are regular online meetings on this site, usually twice a day. I used to attend very regularly but then life took over.
Online Al-Anon Family Group, Support Group of Family and Friends of Alcoholics. MIP 12 Step Forums also provides onlin Alcoholics Anonymous, Adult Children Anonymous and Abuse Survivors 12 Step Meetings and Chat, Webmaster: John Freifeld

There are also online meetings here on SR...if you click on "Chat Room" on the blue bar, you can access the chat room. I believe there are daily meetings as well. Though online meetings are totally different from IRL ones, it's a nice alternative if you're pressed for time or if your circumstances are challenging.

FindingPeace1

Welcome!
I'm glad you feel at home here! It's so nice to have someone that understands!

The toughest part for me has been accepting him AS IS. It is amazing how deep into fantasy thinking I could go. I was doing a lot of relating to his potential, rather than dealing with him as is right now. For example, I knew we could beat this together if he would admit there was a problem and get help. If I just waited, or talked it over, or got him to see, or pushed him into it or forced him into it, or convinced him, or or or...

But what the kind folks on here finally got me to see is what is happening right now is what it is. And he definitely DOES NOT want to admit there is a problem or get help.

How do I know? Because he isn't admitting a problem and getting help.

Period.

So I get to choose to be with him, as is, or not.

It is really very, very simple.

It's crazy how simple it is.

Of course, that doesn't make it easy, right?

I wanted to go to Alanon and was worried what my husband would think or feel. I was worried it would shut him down or **** him off or hurt him.

I finally realized if I am curtailing what I WANT to walk on eggshells around him, how healthy is that? That's crazy talk. Not healthy for me. Not fair for me or him. I had to BE MYSELF. Be true to myself. Start LISTENING to myself. Start HONORING myself. Start VALUING myself as much as the King Baby. I'm not one of the king's subjects! That is passive aggressive control and I don't like it.

So, I went, at first in secret. I bought the books and hid them at first. Then I pulled on the strength of my ovaries and I told him! I leave my Alanon/codependency books where I want and don't hide them.

He rebelled, then sulked, and now accepts it.

You have a right to go anywhere you want any time you want. He can know or not know and it is none of his business. If he works from home and has you under his thumb...he is controlling you. YUCK!
Can you get one of these new wonderful friends to watch your kids at night one night so you can go to a meeting?
Think about the self esteem (albeit scary feeling) you could get from taking a bold step to care for yourself!

I hear you saying you are starting to care for you, and I say HIP HIP HOORAY!! You deserve it!!

Good for you for not having sex if you don't want to. Saying no is good for us.

And about making him happy? It feels like a normal thing to want to do for your partner that you love, right? Many of our AH's tend toward depression. We do our best...and it's not enough...
But not only is it not our JOB to make another human happy, it is also not possible. Only an individual can make themselves happy.
Meanwhile, we are ignoring our own wants/needs and making ourselves miserable!

So, strangely, the work to do is to start trying to make ourselves happy.
It's like living in a foreign land at first!

You say:
* I just don't care anymore.
* I try not to feel.
* We fight a lot.
* I'm almost sure that I want to rid myself of the poison in my life, and my kids' life.
* I grew up with an alcoholic father and when my mom left him- it was the best day of my life.

Sounds like you know how you're feeling and what you want.
Are you listening?

sahmto4

Wow! Thank you nodaybut2day. I see all of these things. I really do. But I also start to believe him when he says I am hurting him. I've been going out more with my friends and he brings that up a lot. I am drinking, yes. However, I DO NOT have a problem. I can go out and not drink. If I drink, I don't *need* to get drunk. I don't drink to solve anything. When I drink, I have fun. Period. I don't then come home and wake AH up to fight like he has so many times. So when he says that I am hurting him by telling him I don't care that I am out more than him, I don't want to be around him, that I don't even like him, I realize it is because of our past. Because of the alcohol. I know that I am not doing anything wrong.

Another issue is I don't have his back. When people talk badly about him, I allow it. I agree with them. I know this is not right. He is still my husband, I should stand up for him. But who stood up for me? When he was yelling at me, waking up our kids, breaking things in our home, WHO STOOD UP FOR ME? As my husband, I feel he should've stood up for me, but could not b/c he was the one saying hurtful/hateful things. The alcohol has ruined me. Is ruining our marriage.

He text me a while ago and said that he is either going to start staying in his office or at his brothers. I asked why. He didn't answer. I asked again. He said he doesn't feel like I am trying. Which, I agree, I am not. He was upset that I didn't go down into his office to try talking to him about leaving. I just shrug my shoulders. He can go. I DON'T CARE. I will not chase him. I used to. Now, he chases me all over the house, I will not do this anymore.

FindingPeace1

I wonder if you are pushing him away with indifference to avoid being the one to choose to leave?

nodaybut2day

It is obvious you are not enjoying this relationship in any way, shape or form. Can I ask if you have spoken to a lawyer about what's involved in divorcing? I know that you're a SAHM, so what options are available to you financially/logistically?

Also, it sounds like you could benefit from some individual counselling. Though it cost me some mula, I made myself go to counselling after I left my husband; I had so much accumulated frustration, rage, hurt and sadness that needed to come out in a safe, non-judgmental place. It also helped to validate what I was feeling. Perhaps this is something you can look into?

sahmto4

You know, I've thought that too. If he leaves, then I didn't give up. But recently I have asked for a separation. I told him I wanted a divorce. He says NO. That we are married. We can work through it. Yes, we probably can, but then he needs to quit drinking and let me work through the pain, hatred, guilt, etc that I have accumulated in the past 12 years. But he can't. He sees the pain and hatred as a direct hit to him. It's the alcohol. It's him while he's drinking. I can't tell him how I feel without hurting his feelings. His ego. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm confused. But mostly worried. I know I can physically, mentally, and emotionally take care of our 4 kids. I've been doing it on my own for so long now. Financially can I? Will he still see them or will he party on his weekends? Do I worry about my kids when they are with him the whole time? So many questions with no great answers. I worry too much.

nodaybut2day

No, these are ENTIRELY VALID questions when considering divorcing from an alcoholic spouse. You are being responsible by considering these questions. This is why I recommend you find a lawyer and ask these questions. What sort of child support could you obtain from him? Will you be eligible to receive any help from the government?

Regarding him having the kids, is there documented evidence to support that he is unfit to parent them? DUIs? Arrests? court-ordered stints in rehab? If so, there might be a way to ask that he only see the children in a supervised setting (i.e. a center).

Starting brainstorming, write any and all questions down and then put it aside for a bit. Take up your paper again later and try to sort things out. It's very useful to see the logical stuff on paper.

Regarding your children, I know you mentioned a 9 year old, but perhaps there's some Al-Ateen literature that could help them understand what their father is going through and validate what feelings they may have about his addiction.

About him saying NO to a divorce...well, he can stuff his refusal where the sun don't shine. You are in no way obligated to remain married to him or to anyone. You are unhappy because HE made the choice, time and time again, to drink. His choice, not yours. HE has to deal with the consequences.

Don't waste time asking for a divorce, talking to him, ...it's pointless. Just focus on what you want. And by the way, what do you want for yourself? Where do you see yourself in 2, 5, 10 years? How can you get there?

*hugs* keep posting!

sahmto4

No, not since my oldest was born. I haven't recorded or reported anything. He went to rehab when we were engaged. No DUI's...was dropped to reckless driving. I know he can be a wonderful father. I just hopes he chooses to if I am not on his back about it.

Such a good question. From time to time I dabble in going back to school for teaching or something computer related. I have taught myself many things about a computer in my 9 years at home.
Things I need to think about. Step back, take a look, and conquer. Easier said than done!!