New here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 7
New here
Hi all. I am new here. Well not really new, I've been reading for awhile but just registered. My H is an alcoholic and my life is spiraling out of control. Just wanted a place to get support and advice.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed!
The permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum contain lots of wisdom and some of our stories.
Keep reaching out for help, we are here to support you!
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed!
The permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum contain lots of wisdom and some of our stories.
Keep reaching out for help, we are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!I'd love it if you gave more details and I could speak to what you are going through more specifically. But for the time being, we are glad you are here.
I think you'll find lots of support here.
Hugs, Peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 7
Thank you for the welcome.
I have not been to alanon.
Specifically what is going on....He has been a drinker for as long as I've known him (20+ years) but just casual/social until about 4-5 years ago. At that point he started drinking every day, large quantities most days. About 3 years ago I started to confront him on it so he started hiding it. I'd find it and monitor it and see that he was still drinking just as much. About 2 years ago, I told his sister what was going on. 1.5 years ago he started to get physical with me sometimes when he was drinking. I know that it is never OK to get physical but I do want to stress that this happens rarely. But I am scared of him every single time. About a year ago my daughter found him passed out on the front lawn. I called his dad (who had no idea what was going on) and told him that if he doesn't come to get him, I was calling the police. He did. He brought him to his house for the night, he was back less than 12 hours later. I personally thought that would have been rock bottom. Last October he woke up one morning and couldn't get up for work. He cried and told me he wanted/needed help. I made some phone calls and got him a meeting with a chem dep counselor at an out patient facility. He met with him one time and never went back. About 6 weeks after that meeting, he started going to AA. He went consistently for about 3 weeks and then decided that was stupid. Took about a month break and went back to AA 2-3 more times and then stopped again. Drinking all this time, even before going to the AA meetings. So, that brings us to January of this year. We have horrible fights constantly that our kids are witness to. I have 2 teenage kids that want nothing to do with him. And 2 other kids that know what he does but are too young to really know, if that makes sense. But, one of my younger kids has developed an anxiety problem that keeps her from going to things (like school, etc) and I'm sure his problem has a lot to do with it. He's a bully and won't leave even though I'd told him to several times. I know I should leave but that is going to be very hard with 4 kids. I really need him to "man up". 2 nights ago he agreed to try treatment but I'm sure that he's going to go once again and not go back. I'm wondering if one on one counseling would be better for him rather than a group situation??
OK, well that was the quick version. I'm sure I forgot things.
I have not been to alanon.
Specifically what is going on....He has been a drinker for as long as I've known him (20+ years) but just casual/social until about 4-5 years ago. At that point he started drinking every day, large quantities most days. About 3 years ago I started to confront him on it so he started hiding it. I'd find it and monitor it and see that he was still drinking just as much. About 2 years ago, I told his sister what was going on. 1.5 years ago he started to get physical with me sometimes when he was drinking. I know that it is never OK to get physical but I do want to stress that this happens rarely. But I am scared of him every single time. About a year ago my daughter found him passed out on the front lawn. I called his dad (who had no idea what was going on) and told him that if he doesn't come to get him, I was calling the police. He did. He brought him to his house for the night, he was back less than 12 hours later. I personally thought that would have been rock bottom. Last October he woke up one morning and couldn't get up for work. He cried and told me he wanted/needed help. I made some phone calls and got him a meeting with a chem dep counselor at an out patient facility. He met with him one time and never went back. About 6 weeks after that meeting, he started going to AA. He went consistently for about 3 weeks and then decided that was stupid. Took about a month break and went back to AA 2-3 more times and then stopped again. Drinking all this time, even before going to the AA meetings. So, that brings us to January of this year. We have horrible fights constantly that our kids are witness to. I have 2 teenage kids that want nothing to do with him. And 2 other kids that know what he does but are too young to really know, if that makes sense. But, one of my younger kids has developed an anxiety problem that keeps her from going to things (like school, etc) and I'm sure his problem has a lot to do with it. He's a bully and won't leave even though I'd told him to several times. I know I should leave but that is going to be very hard with 4 kids. I really need him to "man up". 2 nights ago he agreed to try treatment but I'm sure that he's going to go once again and not go back. I'm wondering if one on one counseling would be better for him rather than a group situation??
OK, well that was the quick version. I'm sure I forgot things.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi hopeless and welcome-
it would be best to make plans that make the assumption that your man will not man up and which rely on yourself.
have you ever been to alanon? or the teenagers to alateen? it might help you all deal emotionally with detaching from his behavior and putting the focus back on yourself.
i know we want them to get treatment and get better, but in most cases, they don't and this disease is progressive and things just keep getting worse and worse, as has been your experience.
stick around, keep posting and i am sure the way forward will become clear for you and your family.
naive
it would be best to make plans that make the assumption that your man will not man up and which rely on yourself.
have you ever been to alanon? or the teenagers to alateen? it might help you all deal emotionally with detaching from his behavior and putting the focus back on yourself.
i know we want them to get treatment and get better, but in most cases, they don't and this disease is progressive and things just keep getting worse and worse, as has been your experience.
stick around, keep posting and i am sure the way forward will become clear for you and your family.
naive
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Good morning Hope and thank you for the introduction.
Welcome to SR.
There's a wealth of experience here,
a veritable bottomless pit of support
(if that's not some abstract oxymoron)
where we make frieds
we help each other
we listen
and man o man do we ever learn!
I think you're starting out in a very good way
because now - you're not alone.
you do not have to get through this on your own.
There's people here who have their own stories to offer
that you can choose from and learn from
and have a continual resource for support and encouragement
while you choose what is best for you.
Welcome, welcome!!!
I agree with naieve
it's great to get yourself set up for support
before taking any radical steps or making radical changes.
AlAnon is a wonderful starting place and the price ... is right.
Youc an surround yourself iwth others who are going through
or have gone through the same thing
and emerged
stronger free-er, and happier
out the other side of the nightmare of alcoholism.
I hope you'll check our what's available in your community.
So far - this is the makings of a great foundation for change.
Welcome to SR.
There's a wealth of experience here,
a veritable bottomless pit of support
(if that's not some abstract oxymoron)
where we make frieds
we help each other
we listen
and man o man do we ever learn!
I think you're starting out in a very good way
because now - you're not alone.
you do not have to get through this on your own.
There's people here who have their own stories to offer
that you can choose from and learn from
and have a continual resource for support and encouragement
while you choose what is best for you.
Welcome, welcome!!!
I agree with naieve
it's great to get yourself set up for support
before taking any radical steps or making radical changes.
AlAnon is a wonderful starting place and the price ... is right.
Youc an surround yourself iwth others who are going through
or have gone through the same thing
and emerged
stronger free-er, and happier
out the other side of the nightmare of alcoholism.
I hope you'll check our what's available in your community.
So far - this is the makings of a great foundation for change.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Your husband needs to really and truly want to stop drinking or else, likely, even treatment won't do the trick. His head won't be in the right place. That being said though, it has worked for many people. They turn their thinking around when they're in the safe environment, and have detoxed off the drug.
If he won't leave the home, he won't leave. But, have you spoken directly to him about this, when it's not a fight and when he's sober? If he knows you are determined, and you have four children and an established house, maybe he would leave. Tap into his sense of fairness and care for his children.
And during this time of transition, take steps to protect yourself, whether that be squirelling away money, securing your valuables, starting a 401K
I'm sorry you're living like this. But there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I told my husband of 18 years that I need to end, and I never looked back.
If he won't leave the home, he won't leave. But, have you spoken directly to him about this, when it's not a fight and when he's sober? If he knows you are determined, and you have four children and an established house, maybe he would leave. Tap into his sense of fairness and care for his children.
And during this time of transition, take steps to protect yourself, whether that be squirelling away money, securing your valuables, starting a 401K
I'm sorry you're living like this. But there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I told my husband of 18 years that I need to end, and I never looked back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 7
I know...I know..LOL. How many people need to tell me what the right thing to do is before i do it?
Here's another question I have. Let's just say that he does sober up and we stay married. Will I ever feel "comfortable" with him again? Or will I always live with the assumption that he'll "fall off the wagon" so I'll never feel totally at ease.
Here's another question I have. Let's just say that he does sober up and we stay married. Will I ever feel "comfortable" with him again? Or will I always live with the assumption that he'll "fall off the wagon" so I'll never feel totally at ease.
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