Advise and thoughts please
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6
Advise and thoughts please
So AH and I have been talking about gettng married. We are already married through the court, but have been talking about getting married through the church. This to AH is a bigger commitment than just the court. Anyway, I have always wanted to get married through the church. (We've been married 6 years now). However I told him first he takes care of the drinking problem and then we will worry about the wedding. He also agrees. I don't want to do it and then have to end up leaving him over his drinking. Right now he seems to really want to be sober, but don't know how long it will last. My question is how long is long enough. I know that people have relapses and sometimes it's years down the road. I know that if I choose to stay with him then the alcohol addiction is a forever thing and that he will always have to deal with that, but how long would you say he should be sober before I say ok. I believe you, let's have the wedding?
Hiya desperada--
There is no "long enough" because as any addict will tell you they are just one drink away from falling into the bottle again.
The measure I would use is how much has his attitude/life changed? And how strong is the recovery program he is working?
Is he still hanging out w/ the drinking friends? Still hanging out at the drinking locations or doing activities associated w/ drinking?
Has he had a complete attitude readjustment? Every alcoholic I know who got sober (including my father) changed. They really, really change. For the better.
A person who has just stopped drinking and is not working any kind of recovery program often exhibits the same ol', same ol' behaviors they did when they were drinking.
So, since you asked, I guess I wouldn't even consider making a bigger commitment step until the person was a year sober and working a strong recovery program and showing signs of real growth and change.
But that's only half the equation and not the half that matters most to YOU!
The part you should be concerned about is your part. What are you doing to get yourself healthy? 6 years of living with alcoholic chaos, unpredictability, and sadness, takes a toll. I would be working my AlAnon program hard!
Learning how to keep the focus on me is the best defense against any future setbacks. Because that way whether they come or not I have not built my happiness or my plans around whether the alcoholic drinks or not, because that is something I can NEVER know or control. And I have the freedom, each day, to continue to grow and achieve my dreams, no matter what anyone else chooses to do.
Have you tried AlAnon?
peace-
b
There is no "long enough" because as any addict will tell you they are just one drink away from falling into the bottle again.
The measure I would use is how much has his attitude/life changed? And how strong is the recovery program he is working?
Is he still hanging out w/ the drinking friends? Still hanging out at the drinking locations or doing activities associated w/ drinking?
Has he had a complete attitude readjustment? Every alcoholic I know who got sober (including my father) changed. They really, really change. For the better.
A person who has just stopped drinking and is not working any kind of recovery program often exhibits the same ol', same ol' behaviors they did when they were drinking.
So, since you asked, I guess I wouldn't even consider making a bigger commitment step until the person was a year sober and working a strong recovery program and showing signs of real growth and change.
But that's only half the equation and not the half that matters most to YOU!
The part you should be concerned about is your part. What are you doing to get yourself healthy? 6 years of living with alcoholic chaos, unpredictability, and sadness, takes a toll. I would be working my AlAnon program hard!
Learning how to keep the focus on me is the best defense against any future setbacks. Because that way whether they come or not I have not built my happiness or my plans around whether the alcoholic drinks or not, because that is something I can NEVER know or control. And I have the freedom, each day, to continue to grow and achieve my dreams, no matter what anyone else chooses to do.
Have you tried AlAnon?
peace-
b
I can't tell you how long is long enough for your husband. Each person/situation is unique.
I can speak from experience of giving up alcohol. The first 2 weeks are tough. It is the white knuckle period. Every part of your body/mind/spirit are calling out for alcohol. You are fighting for your life to resist that call.
The first 30 days are a fog. The mind is trying to clear through the alcohol fog. Seeing, hearing and feeling things that have been previously drowned out or at least numbed by alcohol.
It is my understanding that the liver does not begin to recover from alcoholism until at least 30 days of sobriety. The first 1-29 days, my liver thought we were on a very bad vacation and forgot to pack the booze. That or my hands were broken and I couldn't pick up a glass. After about 30 days, the liver realizes it needs to start functioning without alcohol. Now I had different chemical reactions happening in my body. That can be difficult. My body was drained and exhausted as it tried to remove the toxins and being to process nutrition/calories/carbohydrates that were from sources other than alcohol.
After the first 30 days, then the mental roller coaster takes off.
Desperada, your alcoholic has just made it through his first weekend without alcohol. You have been legally married 6 years. That is about 300 weekends of drinking. How long do you think you should wait to determine that he is serious about giving up alcohol?
If he is successful in his sobriety, he may become a changed man. He will have new habits/routines/thoughts to keep himself sober. He will change.
I suggest you begin your own recovery journey. The journey to serenity:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The courage to change the things I can (me, myself & I)
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I can speak from experience of giving up alcohol. The first 2 weeks are tough. It is the white knuckle period. Every part of your body/mind/spirit are calling out for alcohol. You are fighting for your life to resist that call.
The first 30 days are a fog. The mind is trying to clear through the alcohol fog. Seeing, hearing and feeling things that have been previously drowned out or at least numbed by alcohol.
It is my understanding that the liver does not begin to recover from alcoholism until at least 30 days of sobriety. The first 1-29 days, my liver thought we were on a very bad vacation and forgot to pack the booze. That or my hands were broken and I couldn't pick up a glass. After about 30 days, the liver realizes it needs to start functioning without alcohol. Now I had different chemical reactions happening in my body. That can be difficult. My body was drained and exhausted as it tried to remove the toxins and being to process nutrition/calories/carbohydrates that were from sources other than alcohol.
After the first 30 days, then the mental roller coaster takes off.
Desperada, your alcoholic has just made it through his first weekend without alcohol. You have been legally married 6 years. That is about 300 weekends of drinking. How long do you think you should wait to determine that he is serious about giving up alcohol?
If he is successful in his sobriety, he may become a changed man. He will have new habits/routines/thoughts to keep himself sober. He will change.
I suggest you begin your own recovery journey. The journey to serenity:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The courage to change the things I can (me, myself & I)
And the wisdom to know the difference.
After 6 years of being married in the court why is the subject brought up NOW?
Many alkies get further in their commitment just so its more difficult for the partner to leave. So the partner feels more guilty and doubts herself or himself more, extending the time addiction strives... and the alkie can say "look how much commited I was! look all the efforts I did! YOU ruined it"
Well at least that is how it went with an ex aBF. I have never married but things are so fragile at the moment for your husband it seems, honestly I would wait for one or two years minimum and would also observe his ACTIONS not his words.
Bottomline you don't have to rush into anything and you can wait for as long as you feel comfortable.
Also as you said alcoholism is chronic so it will always be there but the RECOVERING alkies I have known DONT make their disease part of their family and DONT make their disease a burden so everyone interacting with them shares it with them. And the only "diff" with a non alcoholic husband is that the alkie spends an hour everyday at an AA room.
Just what I observed.
I agree with the other posters, if you invest in yourself nothing will be lost.. invest in others and you'll just get resentment and frustration.... in THAT I have TONS of experience ughhh!!
All the best to you!
Many alkies get further in their commitment just so its more difficult for the partner to leave. So the partner feels more guilty and doubts herself or himself more, extending the time addiction strives... and the alkie can say "look how much commited I was! look all the efforts I did! YOU ruined it"
Well at least that is how it went with an ex aBF. I have never married but things are so fragile at the moment for your husband it seems, honestly I would wait for one or two years minimum and would also observe his ACTIONS not his words.
Bottomline you don't have to rush into anything and you can wait for as long as you feel comfortable.
Also as you said alcoholism is chronic so it will always be there but the RECOVERING alkies I have known DONT make their disease part of their family and DONT make their disease a burden so everyone interacting with them shares it with them. And the only "diff" with a non alcoholic husband is that the alkie spends an hour everyday at an AA room.
Just what I observed.
I agree with the other posters, if you invest in yourself nothing will be lost.. invest in others and you'll just get resentment and frustration.... in THAT I have TONS of experience ughhh!!
All the best to you!
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How would you answer Bernadette's great questions?
The measure I would use is how much has his attitude/life changed? And how strong is the recovery program he is working?
Is he still hanging out w/ the drinking friends? Still hanging out at the drinking locations or doing activities associated w/ drinking?
Has he had a complete attitude readjustment? Every alcoholic I know who got sober (including my father) changed. They really, really change. For the better.
Have you tried AlAnon?
peace-
b
The measure I would use is how much has his attitude/life changed? And how strong is the recovery program he is working?
Is he still hanging out w/ the drinking friends? Still hanging out at the drinking locations or doing activities associated w/ drinking?
Has he had a complete attitude readjustment? Every alcoholic I know who got sober (including my father) changed. They really, really change. For the better.
Have you tried AlAnon?
peace-
b
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