suicide threats
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: england UK
Posts: 34
suicide threats
my alcoholic ex sent me a text tonight saying he was going to kill himself,he is asking for money which i dont feel i should give him as it would be enabling him but he says after a 15 year relationship it is unfair for our children to see me in a nice house and him in a little bedsit is this common and am i wrong to not give him any money.He is also sending me blackmailing e-mails. Is there anyway of stopping it ,he also brings access to the children into itand threatens to go to court. at the moment he sees them only with me
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
well i am completely detached from this man and your situation, and i can clearly see that the suicide threat is bogus. unless i'm not understanding your post.
but,
he says he is going to kill himself.
he wants you to give him money.
why does he need money if he's going off into the other side?
why does he wish access to the children if he's going to be leaving this world?
it doesn't add up, and it doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care if he lives or dies. he is trying to manipulate you, and if you give him money, then his manipulation worked. why would it make sense for you to give him money? have you pushed him down the stairs and now he's paralyzed and can't work? or is it your fault he's a raging alcoholic, you forced drink down his throat and so you're responsible.
again, illogical.
can you have contact with him only when it concerns the children?
set up a visiting schedule (and it sounds good that it is while you or someone else is around cuz he's a maniac)
then, you send a reminder the day before the visitation.
the kids see him, then you're out of it.
it would be more ideal if you could not be involved with that part too.
then, you don't answer the texts and emails, you don't answer the phone, you don't comment on the status updates, you tell him in person that you will only talk about matter concerning the children.
please don't feel guilty. you didn't make him turn into what he is today.
but,
he says he is going to kill himself.
he wants you to give him money.
why does he need money if he's going off into the other side?
why does he wish access to the children if he's going to be leaving this world?
it doesn't add up, and it doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care if he lives or dies. he is trying to manipulate you, and if you give him money, then his manipulation worked. why would it make sense for you to give him money? have you pushed him down the stairs and now he's paralyzed and can't work? or is it your fault he's a raging alcoholic, you forced drink down his throat and so you're responsible.
again, illogical.
can you have contact with him only when it concerns the children?
set up a visiting schedule (and it sounds good that it is while you or someone else is around cuz he's a maniac)
then, you send a reminder the day before the visitation.
the kids see him, then you're out of it.
it would be more ideal if you could not be involved with that part too.
then, you don't answer the texts and emails, you don't answer the phone, you don't comment on the status updates, you tell him in person that you will only talk about matter concerning the children.
please don't feel guilty. you didn't make him turn into what he is today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Wow, oln,
He covers all the bases at once.
This is abusive and no, you do not have to give him anything.
If he can only see the children with you there, is there any way you could go to a center? There are places where parents who must be supervised can visit their children without the spouse involved.
I would think you could stop any and all threats.
If he threatens suicide again, call emergency services, one trip to the ER will help him tremendously.
Blackmailing you? Call the police.
This guy does not need to be bothering you, he is in a bedsit for many reasons, am I correct?
Beth
Take care of yourself first, so you can take care of your children.
He covers all the bases at once.
This is abusive and no, you do not have to give him anything.
If he can only see the children with you there, is there any way you could go to a center? There are places where parents who must be supervised can visit their children without the spouse involved.
I would think you could stop any and all threats.
If he threatens suicide again, call emergency services, one trip to the ER will help him tremendously.
Blackmailing you? Call the police.
This guy does not need to be bothering you, he is in a bedsit for many reasons, am I correct?
Beth
Take care of yourself first, so you can take care of your children.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I am sorry that your ex is harassing you. I agree with the other members to stop taking his calls and e-mails. You deserve respect. He is not willing to give you respect, therefore, you need to protect yourself from his harassment. Stop taking his calls.
If your ex contacts you again and mentions killing himself, call emergency services and report the suicide risk. The professionals will know how to deal with him. If emergency workers show up at his bedsit, he might begin to understand that you are not his rescuer.
Active alcoholics will resort to anything and everything to try and get their enabler back under their control. He wants you to continue taking care of him, laundry, dishes, cooking, bill paying, cleaning and intimacy. Yet he only offers empty promises, lies, manipulation and abuse in return.
You deserve to be respected. Please keep reaching out for help and support for yourself and your children.
If your ex contacts you again and mentions killing himself, call emergency services and report the suicide risk. The professionals will know how to deal with him. If emergency workers show up at his bedsit, he might begin to understand that you are not his rescuer.
Active alcoholics will resort to anything and everything to try and get their enabler back under their control. He wants you to continue taking care of him, laundry, dishes, cooking, bill paying, cleaning and intimacy. Yet he only offers empty promises, lies, manipulation and abuse in return.
You deserve to be respected. Please keep reaching out for help and support for yourself and your children.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
If your ex contacts you again and mentions killing himself, call emergency services and report the suicide risk. The professionals will know how to deal with him. If emergency workers show up at his bedsit, he might begin to understand that you are not his rescuer
that we're sitting here reading a computer
and blissfully unattached to this situation
...other than it's affect on you.
I think that contacting the authorities is absolutely the best thing to do.
And here's the topper -
the one to cut out and tape to the frige:
You deserve to be respected. Please keep reaching out for help and support for yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Holy cow, I'm away for a day and I missed this.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this complete and utter b.s. oln. I'm sorry if that sounds insulting, but I get a bit peeved when I see this sort of childish manipulation.
You're received excellent advice so far. Can I ask if you've consulted a lawyer with regards to the custody of your children? Your ex is unstable right now and they need to be protected from this.
I'd also be writing down *everything* he has done, said, and keep all emails for future reference. When you'll be negotiating for custody, it'll come in handy to have a journal and documentation detailing his instability.
*hugs*
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this complete and utter b.s. oln. I'm sorry if that sounds insulting, but I get a bit peeved when I see this sort of childish manipulation.
You're received excellent advice so far. Can I ask if you've consulted a lawyer with regards to the custody of your children? Your ex is unstable right now and they need to be protected from this.
I'd also be writing down *everything* he has done, said, and keep all emails for future reference. When you'll be negotiating for custody, it'll come in handy to have a journal and documentation detailing his instability.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 108
its another headfluck they do. the suicide call. Just tell him to call lifeline. Dont ever say, just do it. They dont. Not the ones who threaten you. I have been thru a suicide, and none of us had any idea he was feeling that way. He hung himself aged 21. No threats to put guilt, he just did it. my first hubby, used to call me and threaten me with suicide, he never did it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: england UK
Posts: 34
thankyou so much everyone for your suport, i spoke to womens refuge today who said speak to the school to stop him from taking the kids, i did, they said they couldnt without a court order so i spoke to my solicitor who said in reality it was lightly to take 6 months to get a court order and the same for supervised access unless he keeps on doing it when an emergency order could be made, either the risk i hope will be over by then or i should think ill have given up on everything.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Would you be willing to supervise visitation yourself, or to get a friend or family member to help you do this? For a while after I left my AH, I supervised all visitation myself, because I did not know if I could trust him. Eventually, things settled down and I felt that I had arranged a visitation at the safest time possible (early afternoon, after he'd gotten over his hang-over and before he started drinking again).
Your partner seems very unstable, so even if it takes 6 months, I'd get the ball rolling. You never know what can happen in the meantime...AND it helps your case that you're already going for supervised visitation.
Start documenting everything and I mean *everything*.
Your partner seems very unstable, so even if it takes 6 months, I'd get the ball rolling. You never know what can happen in the meantime...AND it helps your case that you're already going for supervised visitation.
Start documenting everything and I mean *everything*.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Sounds to me like he's in the flight or fight mode. If you still have the text I would report him. In the US if someone threatens suicide you can call 911 and that person will be involuntarily locked up in the local hospital psych ward for a 24 hr observation. This accomplishes a lot. If it's an idle threat they can't drink for 24 hrs and they will never ever make that threat again. It also creates a record that can help you in court. Not sure if the UK is similar. Perfect example of a choice he makes that forces the issue out of your hands. Call the proper authorities.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
oln every single thing you posted--my stbxah has done at one time or another. It is just another way to shirk responsibility for their own behavior. Of course everything is your fault--if it wasn't he'd have to take a hard and serious look in the mirror and realize he is the one with the problem not you.
Some things people told me-get out and start the proceedings to keep you and the kids safe.
You can't prevent him from taking his life and this is just one more pathetic attempt to gain your sympathy. stbxah never came close to taking his life--he is too important to himself to do that.
You may have to allow him to see the children unless you can show cause that he will harm them. If you have reason to believe this, get supervised visitation at the time your solicitor files the case. I am not sure how things are done where you live. I have a temporary order that outlines life as it shall be. If supervised visitation is required then request it. If you can't wait to do that--take care of the kids and stick with them when he is around to see them--I know how hard that can be.
You are responsible only for you and your kids. You are not his mother and do not need to take care of him emotionally or financially. A friend of mine called my stbxah a monetary and emotional vampire the other day. I now refer to stbxah as simply a mev.
Good luck. Hang in there. You sound like you are a great mom and I think you saw through his BS even while you were posting.
Some things people told me-get out and start the proceedings to keep you and the kids safe.
You can't prevent him from taking his life and this is just one more pathetic attempt to gain your sympathy. stbxah never came close to taking his life--he is too important to himself to do that.
You may have to allow him to see the children unless you can show cause that he will harm them. If you have reason to believe this, get supervised visitation at the time your solicitor files the case. I am not sure how things are done where you live. I have a temporary order that outlines life as it shall be. If supervised visitation is required then request it. If you can't wait to do that--take care of the kids and stick with them when he is around to see them--I know how hard that can be.
You are responsible only for you and your kids. You are not his mother and do not need to take care of him emotionally or financially. A friend of mine called my stbxah a monetary and emotional vampire the other day. I now refer to stbxah as simply a mev.
Good luck. Hang in there. You sound like you are a great mom and I think you saw through his BS even while you were posting.
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