musicislove

The past two weeks have been extremely difficult for me because me and my boyfriend who is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic (clean 2 years in july) broke up. We've been together for a year now and the beginning was very tough but I stuck through it with him he wanted to take things very slow and it took him months to want to make things official because I was his very first sober relationship. We had the most perfect relationship on earth we never fought whenever we were together it was perfect. We also work together. He has his own apartment with another roommate who they both lived in a sober house together. He attends meetings at least 5 days a week. I became extremely close with all the boys he did the 12 step program with and we hung out all the time and went away on vacations and we also all work together. I always dealt with relationships where they lied and cheated on me all the time and once I met him I was so relieved I did not have to worry. He was my first love and our relationship was so unbelievably flawless and I loved the fact that everything he said was the honest truth. He would tell me whenever something bothered me. One time a few months ago he went through a period of a few days where he called out of work and did not answer my calls or texts along with any of his boys. This made me very nervous because we all asked what he was doing and his roomate said he was sitting on his couch for days locked in his house watching movies ignoring everything. I asked him why he did that and he said it made him nervous that so many people cared about him because he never felt that way before. About two weeks ago this happened to me again.. Little did I know it was the end of the best thing that ever happened. That weekend we were together and he was a little weird with the texting and calling. It turned into sunday, monday, tuesday.. no answer. Wednesday he finally answered and all he said was he could no longer be in a relationship with me. I have never in my life felt like that. I met up with him and for the first time I saw him cry. He just held me and was just like I can't be in a relationship but I love you. Not one person could believe this. We both called out of work for about a week. Now he will randomly talk to me as if nothing happened. His friends say he is depressed and still cares about me so much. I wrote him a very long letter and he has not responded. At work now we will talk like just friends and he acts like we never had anything. He is a little weird towards me which I do not know why because NOTHING happened. He said he wanted to end things now before something bad happened. Isn't he not supposed to look towards the future? I understand sobriety comes first with them but if I made him happy and he is sad now why can't we be together. He does not go out with his boys he goes to school work gym meetings and straight home every night and just watches tv and occasionally will answer my texts back. I know it shouldn't be over and I need to convince him that and I want him back because we both love eachother and it is both killing us. I need advice because no one else understands. Please this is tearing me apart.

coffeedrinker

hey sweetheart....

welcome to s/r. this is a wonderful site, full of caring and smart people, who have walked in similar shoes as you.

you guys talked and cried together for an hour, but he wasn't able to explain the break up?

does he have a history with depression?

the bottom line is that he has made a choice - whether it's right or wrong isn't the point. it could be that he has somehow been living a lie with you, that he relapsed and is devastated, that he is so full of fear that you will leave him he does it first, or countless other things. but that's not really the point.

in the 1st step, of the 12 steps, we come to full realization that we cannot truly control anything other than our own selves. have you ever gone to alanon? that would help you to understand and accept this powerlessness that you have over him or anyone else for that matter.

i'm sorry you're in so much pain.

Christen

Dear MusicIsLove,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My husband is an addict. So I relate to you A LOT. So I have some advice for you, but I don't know how much you'll like it...

If you haven't already, I recommend you attend al anon, or nar anon, or open na or aa meetings. I also recommend you get a bunch of books on addiction from your local library. I think it really helps to get tons of solid information about addiction, because we don't know what they are going through... So we can at least research it the best we can.

My husband goes through periods of silence when he is clean. When he relapses, he's happy & talkative all the time. Sometimes the only thing my hubby is capable of is going to work, and coming home to stare at the tv. It's a lonely time for me, but it is what it is. I'm hoping that your man is going through a phase. Don't push him. From my experience I've made the situation worse by pushing him too far. When he gets in these silent phases, he tells me- "My brain is tired. I'm not high & I'm feeling all these emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. I just need time to unwind. I don't want to be around anybody."

I hope what I've said might help. It sounds like your guy is in need of space. And I hope that he's not using again. Sometimes isolation can also be a red flag.

Stay Strong & Take Care of YOURSELF,

Christen

dopedout

I don't know about addiction but I know first-hand that being clinically depressed can explain everything you've described. It sounds like he's even ready to really deal with friend relationships, much less romantic ones. That kind of deliberate isolation and distancing becomes a lifestyle. Everything is about avoiding possible letdowns or not wanting to expose possible weaknesses, both of which the depressed person has attached to just about every personal encounter he sees.

Honestly my advice would be to let him have his space. I can say that knowing exactly how much it hurts you because I've just been reading the same advice about my wife on this board. I don't want to give her space because it is precisely that distance from her that is causing my pain. Every time I think of a new way to be the best husband in the world to her, which happens about a hundred times an hour, I want to call her and tell her, but I can't.

But he's likely to retreat even more if you push. What you're pushing for is what he's not ready for, so if you get him to take you back, I would fear that all you've done is break him down, which is the wrong way to start a relationship anyway. He may not know what he needs right now, so it will be impossible for you to reach him in a meaningful way.

Depression sucks. It's what I thought when you first started describing his behavior, even before you mentioned what his friends said. When I was clinically depressed, there was no tomorrow. There is literally no tomorrow. So, no -- he's not thinking about the future. It's far too much to consider. The present is overwhelming and threatening enough -- the future isn't worth thinking about. If he's getting help, this will improve. I don't think depression itself is, in general, nearly as long-lasting as addiction. It seems like what he needs now is exactly who you are -- a friend who he did say he loves -- so be patient with him, if you can, and give him what he needs without asking for something he's not ready for.

musicislove

I understand he needs space, it hurts so much. I have no motivation. Everything reminds me of him. We always we together now I don't know what to do with myself. I am so depressed and cannot stop thinking and crying about everything.

Spiritual Seeker

"I need to convince him that and I want him "
Let this alone. You have no power to convince him...you R powerless over his feelings.
We have pain in our lives when we argue w/ reality. Most Men often just leave w/o an explanation. They don't have the need or ability to talk, talk, talk it out like us females.

Life is a series of LETTING GO.

Sorry for your distress, sadness + broken heart.
Let the man alone.

Maybe he will come back but don't count on it. No amt. of clinging will change reality.