posiesperson

Okay, so just as I'm doing well, going on 3 weeks since the official breakup (and 7 weeks since we "took a break"), getting ready to adopt a dog (something the kids and I have wanted for a long time and exA was less than thrilled when I wanted to do that during the relationship--"it's like having another kid in the picture!!"), I'm getting my own life, and THEN here comes what feels like a BIG test.

I ran into my exA in a store. I was numb, but at least it didn't feel like I'd been punched in the stomach, which is what I thought it would feel like. We chatted, I said we're adopting a dog soon (WHY did I need to throw that in??!), asked about the job, said "it's good to see you." Which was the truth.

I left, feeling a little shaky but okay. I drove home, feeling a little shaky and mostly okay. Talked to a friend. Sitting with the part of me that wants to feel that connection, wants to try again, that little kid inside is like, SO wanting me to pick up the phone and say, "hey, want to come over for a cup of coffee and to catch up?"...because it was actually a pleasant exchange we had in the store. Ugh.

I'm "telling on myself" here so that I stay sane. Right now I need to go back to work which is a good thing. Quick, please send prayers/thoughts/encouragement.

How did or would you get through this w/o "relapsing"?

Shaken but strong (I think),
posie

Hammerhead

posiesperson... You're still doing fine. Emotions are there for a reason... I imagine your emotions are a reaction to what you have already been thru... seeing your ex by accident happens.... unfortunately.... but look at the bright side... you are getting a dog... which in my book is a pretty darn loyal companion.... trustworthy too.

You are human so you have emotions... it's okay... just because you thought about asking him over....it didn't spill out... you thought it thru... and it didn't seem like a good idea... so YOU CHOSE not to. That seems like progress to me.

Removing ourselves from relationships is difficult... just because we are removed physically does not mean our codie logic has caught up... but that's why we try and try again....

((hugs)) and extra ((hugs))

Learn2Live

I recommend going to a meeting, going over all the reasons why you DON'T want to relapse, and talking to people on SR and your sponsor if you have one.

stella27

Good for you for being pleasant. I have a hard time managing that. Not that I am unpleasant, I just can't yet have any conversation with my exA.

How would your life be different if you let him back into it?

Freedom1990

It was hard for me to learn to nurture that little girl inside of me, instead of looking to outside and very unhealthy sources for the 'feel-goods.'

My sponsor used to tell me to hug myself, tell me I loved myself. I thought he was nuts!

Now I don't recommend doing that in public, but it works pretty good at home!

Are you going to meetings? Meetings and having a kick-butt sponsor have been invaluable to me in my recovery.

posiesperson

Thanks for the sanity check. I got through the rest of my day but I've been struggling with the pain, sadness, "dashed dreams" all over again...some of that old anger rearing it's head for fleeting moments...mostly it's sadness.

I'm reminding myself that I'm not defined by my sadness, just feeling it and it cuts deep. Thanks for the reminder Hammer, yes, the feelings didn't dictate my response even though I'm having to make a real effort to remind myself of why I'm NOT in the relationship anymore (thanks, stella). L2L and Freedom, I do have a sponsor, she's away this week but I'll zip her an e-mail. My next meeting isn't until Wednesday so it's going to be a challenge to stay on top of my "stuff" until then, but I will reach out to some other Alanon friends. And then there's my "new" pup...soon to arrive home from the rescue organization...something positive and yes Hammer, trustworthy!!! OMG, that's a breath of fresh air, isn't it?

I'm a bit anxious about the dog thing now too (okay I was a little nervous even before I ran into my ex). I've never adopted a pup by myself before, last time I had dogs I was married and now, single gal that I am, I'm going it alone. Scary in some ways, but I'm trying to not let the voices of self-doubt tell me what to do! I've been wanting a dog for a loooooong time...but having that unexpected encounter in the store today didn't help things along in the "self-confidence" department, at least initially. It was such a pleasant exchange that I could make myself crazy trying to remember why I initiated the break-up. So let me see...hmmmm...might have been the lies, the manipulation, the "what you see AIN'T what you get", the affair right before we got together, cheating on other gfs, denial that alcohol has ever been an issue for anyone but me and yet "tried" AA 15 years ago, said drinking was only an issue starting about 5 years ago (despite the stint in AA 15 years ago), the laughing "too loud" in the movie theatre, the agreements to be designated driver but then continually asking, "can I have just one more?" Or how about when a family member died last Fall and my phone call wasn't taken due to "I was supporting a friend (on the other line) who was upset about her mother being sick"? Not to mention all the times our plans changed...I bought all of the excuses. All of them. So pathetic.

Wow, that's better, it sure does help to make a list! Still some anger coming through, I see. I'm in agreement with the recent posts about who we have fallen in love with...I don't have any idea who I fell in love with--obviously some sort of image and person I built up in my mind. That person does not actually exist, not even the one I had a pleasant exchange with in the store today. I'm still creating a fantasy in the recesses of my mind. Ouch.

Thanks for the support--please keep it coming as, even with all of that, I'm still a bit shaky.

posie

coffeedrinker

well i applaud you. sometimes i have been in a place where i don't delude myself that the "reaching out" is any more than just a hit of that drug, to help me feel better. but it's still unhealthy. you chose the healthy option. you're going to get through this with flying colors.

transformyself

No advice, other than listen to L2L, just hugs.

Gold

My dog (pictured as my Avatar) has been a wonderful gift to myself since leaving my Ex ABF.

Just remember the bad bits and the emothions that went with them. Replay as needed to put into perspective the full picture.
You are doing great.

posiesperson

Thank you, thank you for the support coffee, transform, gold...and everyone. I'm all teary this morning as I read and re-read your words. I think there is a deep feeling of loss for me around watching things in my life change--even though it's healthy change I'm seeing that some friends are falling away, and I keep wanting to reach out to them but they're emotionally unavailable people. It's an old way of being in the world but it's still a loss to let it go. And then there are all of you who respond and are really "there", all throughout the world. It's pretty amazing and I'm so appreciative, there are no words, really.

I'm happy about this dog, I really know it's the best thing for me to move forward. It's who I am, I'm happiest with a pup, REALLY happy. I think I'm scared because part of me is still looking for that outside approval that I haven't gotten from others...which is good, because I know it needs to come from myself. But it's like learning to ride a bike for the first time...I hope it really is like riding a bike and once I know how to give myself approval then I'll always remember!

As for the exA, I'm very in touch today with the feeling of not knowing who the h*ll I fell in love with. That pleasant facade yesterday could be just that--a facade. I'll never know, I'll never know, I'll never know. And it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Trying to keep that in the forefront or I'll be focusing on someone else's process instead of my own, and I SO want to focus on my own process.

In that vein, I'll try to post a puppy pic if she comes home with us tonight.

Hugs and gratitude,
posie

stella27

What kind of dog, posie?

Learn2Live

posie, do you have a Higher Power? Because the Serenity Prayer always works for me when I feel things are getting out of control.

Duped

I really feel for the women on here. I can't imagine how much harder things would be if I were still prisoner of my emotions, for some reason, I was able to align my emotions with my head and quash them utterly. Once I fully realised that my situation had become a matter of self preservation, I was able to flick off that switch. I feel no angst at all. Merely anxiety as I want to always desperately stay as far away from my ex as possible.

I wish you strength, I hope you too can come to love yourself more than this person. Then you can be immune to this sort of emotional response. It's hard and you seem to be coping, but always put yourself first. You are more important and so is your wellbeing, not his.

Learn2Live

I don't mean to sound sexist but I have found that women (as traditionally expected) struggle with the tears, whereas men (as traditionally expected) struggle with the anger.