humblestudent

I don't even know where to start. I'm so disgusted with myself. I drank Fri. and Sat. I was somewhat controlled on Fri., but Saturday was a complete blow out - and that was honestly the last thing I wanted to happen. I wanted to prove I could successfully drink. To drink and not get completely wasted. And what's worse, is that I honestly thought I could. I had rationalized in my head that I could, if I just "paid attention" to what I was pouring down my throat. Only it didn't work out that way.

Oh no...not only did I get obliterated, I blacked out and don't remember anything after 6 p.m. or so. The anxiety from this alone is so intense. Did I say something offensive? Did I tell someone to go f themselves? Was I able to edit myself? On and on this goes in my head.

I woke up only to find that I had thrown up basically all over myself, and everything near me. I have no memory of this. Don't know if I was passed out, or what, but I suspect I was. I am very fortunate that I didn't aspirate this. This was only after falling, narrowly missing hitting my head by inches. I do remember that.

So here I am again at day 2. Words cannot describe how awful I feel mentally. But I will say that I truly know...really truly know now that I just cannot drink, period. There is no "maybe". That line of thinking is just out the window. So, maybe the silver lining here is that I get it now. I thought I got it before for a time. And then more and more I started thinking that I could have a few and be ok. I can't. It's over. Done. I'm done with it now. I am an alcoholic. I was getting resentful of others' ability to drink, when I should've been grateful that I wasn't drinking. My thinking got all twisted up, and that lead to this relapse. I feel like I let everyone down. I wish I could rewind to Friday, and take it all back. This is hanging over me like a black cloud. How long until I can start to hold my head up again?

Hevyn

You start to hold your head up again right now. You finally "got it" and this can be the last time you ever put yourself through this. I did the same thing - one last time I had to prove to myself that it wasn't just a matter of willpower! I kept insisting I could moderate. I almost lost my life proving that I could not touch alcohol - any control I may have had in my early drinking days was not coming back.

You are armed with precious knowledge now - and it can be used to take you to where you want to be. It's going to be ok, you are going to rise above this. I'm glad you came here and talked about it! We care about you and are behind you all the way.

least

Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again. And don't give up on yourself until you 'get it right'.

humblestudent

I am tearing up at your kind words. Thank you so much.

dkayvins125

Humble, I was just in your shoes a little over 2 weeks ago. Its easy for me to write this, but it was very difficult for me to do. Let go of the shame and hurt. I was a wreck for 7-8 days. It only got better once I let it go. I wont forget what I did, but I stopped beating myself up over it. The sooner the better. It is normal to feel the way you do. But talk to someone, get to a meeting and talk about it. It helps, or at least it helped me. Stay on the site read, read and read. Ask questions if you need to.
Dean

bananagrrrl

Humble, I can totally identify with your post. We are truly powerless over alcohol.

The last time I got drunk was not pretty either. The wreckage and shame is awful. I have almost 5 months now, and if I can do it, so can you.

Pick yourself back up and move forward. Try not to beat yourself up.

yeahgr8

I used to feel absolutely dreadful, i mean wtf was wrong with me...i had a great job, a lovely home, a successful career and couldn't even control drinking!

Once i accepted that i was an alcoholic and stopped fighting the concept that it was a disease (mental and physicla illness if you like) i was able to treat it like any other problem, got a legal problem ask a lawyer, need to buy a house ask a real estate broker, want to open a business ask a successful businessman...want to stay sober long term ask someone who has successfully stayed sober long term...

Treat it like you would do anything else, go and find someone who has the answer and follow their advice...clearly this is not something that you can do by yourself as you have tried...like my examples, you want to draw up the plans for a house, unless you have some formal training you would get the help of an architect for the plans at the very least and even if you were a builder someone would have to do the electrics, plumbing etc...

Who knows you might come even decide that the person you ask knows more than you and you just let them get on with directing the project and you take the back seat and follow their lead...get some help there is loads out there for you:-)

keithj

Relapse can be a growing experience. It all depends on what you do with it.

This is key. In my experience, knowing this was required, but not sufficient, to stay sober. In the 'Bill's Story' chapter of AA's Big Book, when he gets to this point of knowing he could never safely drink at all, that's when things got 'gradually worse'. Quite an understatement. Despite knowing this fact for himself, he wound up in the hospital (detox/treatment) a few times after this. He needed something more than knowledge and willpower. Like Bill, I too needed to something transformative to manage my decision to stay sober. Otherwise, I was doomed to keep picking up a drink after some time had passed. I found that transformation through the 12 Steps.

LaVallette

Oh man, do I so identify with that! Humble, don't be like me and have about 5 years worth of "last times", take it from me, they only get more painful and deeper; it's scary how quickly I got back to where I used be drinking, then I'd push a little more. Like I said, it got worse each time and harder each time. Learn from my example (and many others here too), I guess you could call me an "old-newbie". Don't be like that, save yourself the pain, suffering and constant anxiety.

All the best, we're here to help.

Rev

I've read so many times on this board people saying, "I think of my last relapse and how bad it was..." when they talk about what inspires them to stay sober. Bad as you feel, you've better armed yourself in your efforts going forward. I know that reading your words has improved my own resolve, as I'm sure it has reminded others here of times they too have fallen short, and strengthened their resolve as well.

Rev

Surlyredhead

Being able to forgive ourselves for being sick is one of the greatest gifts of sobriety. You made a mistake, thats all, it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human being. Be kind to yourself, I really don't know anyone in recovery who never slipped, me included. Just don't quit quitting, you CAN do this and you are NOT alone.

Cathy

Washburn

I can relate to trying to control it. I used to go to a bar and sip my beers so they would take longer to drink. My problem was it that once I became buzzed and started to have a better time, those sips would turn in to gulps. Before I knew it, beers were going down in a few minutes. Once shots would get involved, lights out.

I decided to start practicing at home, just drink a 6 pack. Every night. After weeks of "practicing" I would return to the bars, but as long as they were still serving and I had money; I would always over-drink what i said i was. After too many blackouts, i didn't want to go out anymore, so i did it exclusively at home which brought on more problems.

My plan this time, is to simply come to terms that I suck at drinking and give up trying to make it work for me. I've tried countless times in the past and the same thing happened each time to mess it up...One Sip. Stay away from 1 sip. Think of Pringles (once you pop you can't stop)

WakeUp

I hear you humblestudent. Relapses are miserable, the utter despair I felt when I relapsed last fall did indeed made me more resolute in staying sober.
Pick yourself up, and start going forward again.
We're here for you.

Anna

Don't let the negative feelings keep you drinking. You need to let go of them and move forward.

I think that recognizing the 'addict voice' for what it is, is a big step in recovery. It will tell you that you can control your drinking, things aren't as bad as you thought. Hear it, recognize it for what it is, and let it go. You can do this!

Rev

I know that voice!! LOL

Rev

HideorSeek

Humble, we have all been through this...over and over, in my case. Like you, I felt a "click" the last time I drank. Why is it that we have such a hard time accepting that alcohol is toxic for us and not others? Because it's everywhere? Because it gives us something (acceptance, relaxation,etc)? Were we diabetic, we would have no issue altering our diet. Because of the "obsession", I guess.

I don't know whether you attend AA...but even going to meetings didn't keep me sober. But, having a sponsor (accountability) and doing the Steps illuminated why I wanted to drink in the first place. And that made all the difference in the world. Once I could identify the feeling behind a "impulse" (usually fear), I was able to deal with it without drinking. Kind of took the boogey man out from underneath the bed.

That being said, if this were easy, none of us would be here! So jump back into it...we'll wait for you.

Toronto68

I am trying to remember if you are the person who had the friends a couple of slips down (as in boat, not dress, ha ha)? Was this conflict in any way involved, whether outwardly or inside your own mind? Mind you, sometimes when we think we are having a conflict with somebody, we are producing it in our mind - or at least feeding it unnecessarily.

NEOMARXIST

Hi Humblestudent. Did you tell on yourself before you picked up? I posted a thread about this recently.

Always share where you're at with other recovering alcoholics/addicts otherwise you will start believing your own lies!! This is where your alcoholism want's you; alone, resentfull and discontented!! I bet if you had of properly confided in others in recovery before you picked up then you wouldn't have picked up!! I know it's hard but next time when you start to feel your thinking going a bit wrong then let it all out!! SR is a great tool for that or at AA meetings or with a sponsor or counsellor or whoever.

Use this as the final experiment if you like. You know drinking ain't an option now, it doesn;t work anymore, so do everything possible to commit to sobriety. When you feel yourself slipping into old thought patterns then tell on yourself!! YOu can then work through it and address your thinking by working your recovery!!

Keep on Keeping on!! YOu were doing really well beofre you drank again so build on that sobriety that you had and take this as a positive learning experience!!

Peace xxx

CAPTAINZING2000

I didn't always get into trouble every time I drank but, every time I've ever gotten into any trouble in life, I'd been drinking!

HIgby442

Hey-hand in there. I know what your going through, but remember-the bad feelings are what your alcholism wants you to feel like. Try to focus on the good time you had sober-and dont discount that time at all-that was good time. Just focus on the good and try to move forward with your recovery. For me, I said, well, I can dwell on how bad I feel about a relapse, and I might drink again and I will still feel bad. Or, I could focus on the future, and how great it will be because I wont drink and I will be sober. Weigh the two, and I think the positive approach is what works.

I am sure it sounds easy for me to say all this stuff-but trust me I have been there. When you are positive, you are pushing away the dark and terrible side of alcoholism-and letting in all the good positive thoughts-that is what will lead you down the road of recovery. And, at least you will feel better about yourself.

I wish you the best and hope you can get over the relapse. Use it as a reminder, but dont let it be a setback. Jump up and move on from it-your on the right track. And, think of it this way-you relapsed but were able to stop after 2 days-you could still be in that relapse-so good job there.

All the best