kv816

I'm having mixed emotions tonight.

I answered an unrecognized number today while I was hussling and bussling around at the office. It was xabf. A very upset, dry guy.

I listened to him talk.....probably quack.....for a good long while. It was a very calm conversation. First time in a long, LONG time neither one of us raised our voice to each other. I held my ground, that I just can't be who he wants me to be. I apologized for ever trying to change him, for trying to make him someone he has made it very clear in the past that he doesn't want to be. I asked him to move on with his life. Told him to let go, please don't call me anymore. I told him to take back all the things he made it clear that he gave up for me (I was referring to all the bars and girls). I told him to find his family again and regain that relationship, those fun times he used to have all the time before me (he did stop spending so much time with his A sister when he finally accepted my boundary of drinking equals no me). He stopped drinking with her every day because it meant he couldn't talk to me that day. Move on with your life, take back the man you enjoy being. I'm sorry I ever tried to make him something else, someone he doesn't want to be.

Every fight, every argument, every time he broke a boundary or crossed a line a little piece of me broke. Last week, my last piece broke and I shattered. And that's what I feel like too....every single bit of me is in hundreds of thousands of little pieces.

Our whole relationship was wrong on so many levels. There was so much more bad about it then there ever was good. I know this, I'm not stupid. I saw all the warning signs, felt all the emotional blows. I'm so much happier without him, laugh so much harder without him.

So why is it still so hard?

coffeedrinker

oh i think all that anyone really ever wants is love. we want to love, and to be loved. when we choose badly, and get rejected, it hurts so much. even with all that you recognize to be true - your post sounds like you have a handle on things - it's still just plain hurts.

mermaidgirl

KV-how I resonate with your thoughts here...I have finally let go of the wish to change anyone to fit the need I have. It's funny isn't it, even when we know it isn't meant to be-we still have to grieve. This has never made sense to me either-

Those little pieces...of you have a story and a strength. And once they get put back together...you will be alright. Keep moving forward.

DesertEyes

Well why _not_ be so hard? We're not machines, or rocks. We're human, and we love, deeply. The way I see it, that is just part of feeling love, we also feel pain for those we love. I don't see anything wrong with loving my ex, or mising the good times we had, or feeling bad for what she is doing to herself, or feeling bad for the future we were never able to build. I think that is what makes me human and I'm proud of that.

Now if I build a fantasy out of those memories, then I'm giving in to _my_ addiction to fantasies. If I ignore the lessons I have learned then I am giving in to denial about _my_ addiction. If I give in to the easier, softer way and just call her up and pretend nothing happened then it is _me_ that has had a relapse and needs codie-911.

It's ok for me to hurt where I am injured. It so happens that it's my heart. What is _not_ ok is for me to keep picking at the scab and refuse to take my "medicine".

Me? I call my sponsor, go to meetings, and see how I can be of service.

Mike

Thumper

Once in awhile my xah will call because he misses the kids etc. I don't engage in a conversation. I have no idea how to do that with him without either getting in an arguement, totally mad, or just becoming a mess. I do listen though and he rather quickly stops because I'm not responsding much. My heart aches for him. I used to hope we could become friends but I don't even want that. I hope we can be civil and not awkward but I dont have enough respect for him right now to be friends. My heart still aches for him though.

tpen

Very, very helpful post, thank you!