Negativity From Friends and Family Towards The Man I Love
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Negativity From Friends and Family Towards The Man I Love
I met my soulmate 2 years ago and I did not know that he was using narcotics at the time as this was my first and only experience being around an addict. I learned he had been using for 8 years on and off, trying numerous times to become sober. He detoxed within a few months of us dating, stayed clean for a few months, we married, and he relapsed about 2 to 3 months thereafter. At this point we had been together almost a year. He did everything an addict does, lied, stole money (thousands of dollars), stole electronics, household items, and the last straw was when I took my wedding rings off to have them resized and the next day he pawned them for drug money. (We married in the winter and my hands swelled during the summer months.) We talked on and off the latter part of that summer, this past winter, and now with spring coming on we have decided to get back together because he is clean again, after hitting rock bottom prior to us reuniting. It's different to me this time around because he's attending NA meetings, seeing a doctor regularly, avoiding his old "friends", and vowing that he wants a family, church, wants to earn an honest paycheck (he has a job now)and he wants a normal life. He says he's not living the drug lifestyle anymore and will never go back.
The problem is my friends and family hate him after seeing what he did to me. They can't understand why I want to be around him and love him. They don't want him around. They don't undertand addiction and that people can change. Him and I are wanting to move in together and I am the black sheep of my family now. I endure negative comments on a daily basis. Any stories that you can relate to the negativity I am receiving from my loved ones would be greatly appreciated.
The problem is my friends and family hate him after seeing what he did to me. They can't understand why I want to be around him and love him. They don't want him around. They don't undertand addiction and that people can change. Him and I are wanting to move in together and I am the black sheep of my family now. I endure negative comments on a daily basis. Any stories that you can relate to the negativity I am receiving from my loved ones would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Honestly, I ignored the negativity from everyone... and they ended up being right in the end. So, I'm not going to be of much help. If it's that important to you though, just ignore it. I never let anyone make decisions for me. Tell them you don't appreciate what they're saying, and kindly ask they stop...
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
I second the comments of Jenny1232... I was told point blank from my father that my husband was not going to stop being an addict... I didn't believe him, and honestly, my parents backed-off after that initial comment. They have always been there for me and my daughters, but I will have to say that they too have become weary of my phone calls crying needing support emotionally... I've threatened to leave my husband many times over the years and each time, they've offered their love and support of me, but they now have an emotional distance when I call. As my mother said, "This is not the first time you've called asking for our help...we'll always be there for you, but know we no longer get emotionally involved like we used to because we understand that you may decide to stay. It's OK if you stay, but we can't continue to ride the emotional roller coaster with you every time you call...us hoping this is the last time... Remember, you're our little girl...we love you...and we hurt to see what your life has been like for the last ten years." Wow, I never understood it from their perspective. So just know, you are their little girl too, and they hurt when you hurt, and they only want what's best for you. You should, however, do what your heart feels is right. You cannot live for others...just know they may detach or make uncomfortable comments as a way of coping with their unhappiness with the situation. And like it or not, you addict husband caused the situation...so they have a right to be upset with his behaviors...your family may need more time to move past it...remember you love him, you married him...they didn't...so afford them the same time and understanding you are affording your husband...they may need it.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
don't hold your breath waiting for them to "come around" and see how terrific he is. YOU think he's terrific; you love him. they do not.
they have seen you run through the ringer. how can they not feel protective of you?
the man i fell head over heels with, as a girl of 19, broke my heart. my brother only met him once briefly, when he drove to my town to pick up his devastated younger sister and bring her home. six years later, he popped back into my life. since i was convinced that this was the love-of-my-life come full circle, it only took a few months for us to decide to marry. my brother did not accept him, was always wary, because of the history. he was cordial, we even vacationed together, yet bro always held back and felt he had some dubious character traits. could it have been that my brother had a sixth sense about the man that i married, then divorced 18 years later, who never really "got" sobriety?
yes, your man might get clean and sober, and be the fabulous, wonderful man you believe he is. and these people may turn their attitudes around. but, if that does happen, it will take a long time. you need to be at peace with your decision, and not try and convince them about theirs.
they have seen you run through the ringer. how can they not feel protective of you?
the man i fell head over heels with, as a girl of 19, broke my heart. my brother only met him once briefly, when he drove to my town to pick up his devastated younger sister and bring her home. six years later, he popped back into my life. since i was convinced that this was the love-of-my-life come full circle, it only took a few months for us to decide to marry. my brother did not accept him, was always wary, because of the history. he was cordial, we even vacationed together, yet bro always held back and felt he had some dubious character traits. could it have been that my brother had a sixth sense about the man that i married, then divorced 18 years later, who never really "got" sobriety?
yes, your man might get clean and sober, and be the fabulous, wonderful man you believe he is. and these people may turn their attitudes around. but, if that does happen, it will take a long time. you need to be at peace with your decision, and not try and convince them about theirs.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I agree with ((Cynical)) - he may say all the right things, right now, may even be DOING the right things, but I'm an RA (recovering addict) and I wouldn't really put much trust into his recovery until he'd been working a strong program of recovery for a year.
We are addicts for life. Therefore, we can have YEARS of recovery and still relapse. Yes, we CAN change and go on to lead successful, productive lives, but there are many who relapse.
The people who love you were there for you when he was putting you through the wringer and they don't forget this stuff. It's also much easier to blame the addict for all the issues, rather than accept that their daughter (niece, granddaughter, friend, whatever) is choosing to accept living with a person who has done this to them. If this was your daughter and she was making the same choice, I think you would probably be feeling the same way.
Trust can sometimes be earned back, but it takes time and a lot of it. Some people will never completely trust him again, and that's their perogative.
This is life with an addict, recovering or not. If you choose to reconcile with him, you both have consequences to deal with and part of YOUR consequences are that not everyone is going to agree with your decision.
My advice is to go into this with your eyes wide open, pay attention to his ACTIONS and not his words, and possibly go to al-anon for support. There you will find people who understand what you're going through.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
We are addicts for life. Therefore, we can have YEARS of recovery and still relapse. Yes, we CAN change and go on to lead successful, productive lives, but there are many who relapse.
The people who love you were there for you when he was putting you through the wringer and they don't forget this stuff. It's also much easier to blame the addict for all the issues, rather than accept that their daughter (niece, granddaughter, friend, whatever) is choosing to accept living with a person who has done this to them. If this was your daughter and she was making the same choice, I think you would probably be feeling the same way.
Trust can sometimes be earned back, but it takes time and a lot of it. Some people will never completely trust him again, and that's their perogative.
This is life with an addict, recovering or not. If you choose to reconcile with him, you both have consequences to deal with and part of YOUR consequences are that not everyone is going to agree with your decision.
My advice is to go into this with your eyes wide open, pay attention to his ACTIONS and not his words, and possibly go to al-anon for support. There you will find people who understand what you're going through.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
oh, and one more thing. As an addict, we NEVER say we'll "never" go back. I've got over 3 years clean, but I realize that I'm one stupid decision away from going back out. All I have is today, and I have to work, on a daily basis, to maintain my recovery. I've been through some pretty horrific things in the past 3 years, and yes, my mind seriously wanted to "get numb" but I did what I had to, to NOT go back out...reach out for support, distract myself, and whatever else it took.
The only time I use the word "never" in regards to addiction is when I say "I hope I never get stupid enough to use again". The very fact that he's saying he'll NEVER use again just shows how very early he is in recovery.
If I were you, I'd set boundaries from the get-go, figure out a way to limit his access to funds if you need to, things like that. He may do very well and you won't have to worry about this stuff, but my motto is "prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best".
Hugs and prayers for you both!
Amy
The only time I use the word "never" in regards to addiction is when I say "I hope I never get stupid enough to use again". The very fact that he's saying he'll NEVER use again just shows how very early he is in recovery.
If I were you, I'd set boundaries from the get-go, figure out a way to limit his access to funds if you need to, things like that. He may do very well and you won't have to worry about this stuff, but my motto is "prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best".
Hugs and prayers for you both!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: forest city
Posts: 28
well at the end of the day it is up to you. i'm not saying you should not forgive him, and stand by his side. it sounds like he may be serious about getting his life together, just prepare yourself for the worst, and hope for the best. relapse is likely, even users who have been clean for 15-20 yrs can relapse. it's a daily fight for them, some can fight the battle and win, and some always end up knocked out. for me personally i can forgive a lot of things, however, i'm not sure i could forgive pawning my wedding rings. i was in a relationship with an addict and he hurt me in ways i will never fully heal from or forget, but he never crossed the line of selling our things, or my things. we were never married, but if we had been, and he done that, omg yea i think it would've ended sooner than it did.
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