TakingCharge999

Yesterday night I was going to meet BF's grandma - I put on a knitted skirt, very colorful, typical of my city. He didn't like it and asked me to change because "we don't see those skirts over here" and for "his grandma" things that "go outside her small world" are scary. I am an Aquarius. I LOVE things that are different. But OK I said. Whatever.

We couldn't go.... went somewhere else anyway and I kept my skirt and felt great and got compliments. Ok. That has nothing to do with what I was going to post. Or does it??



Yesterday night BF fell asleep. He forgot to put his alarm and I knew he had to wake up very early. So I unlocked it and put the alarm.




Of course I peeked on his SMS messages. No I am not proud of it.

May 20th he received the following message
"Hello I am YYYY, friend of the girl you liked in restaurant ZZZZ"

He sent back an SMS
"Add me in your messenger my email is XXXXXXX"

This made me remember once when I peeked on the laptop he was using
(in passing) and he quickly closed one window. Mmmhh.

Yesterday he asked me if I could pay for groceries. All groceries. I said I already do that anyway. The good thing is that I eat veggie burgers, soy, lettuce and he doesn't like my healthy organic stuff, lol.


So I woke up today and feeling great. 1130 AM and he is out working. I am preparing to leave for the Chapala lake. We went there last weekend and I saw a great great lovely dress. But I was afraid of buying it. Because "I don't need it" as he say.

So I just planned to drive there myself, shop for it, look for gifts for my family --- by myself... sit on a bench and have an ice cream and breathe. To put my favorite "on the roads" hat and play my CDs.



But that is on the back of my mind. Shall I bring it up?


I can't believe I am afraid of buying whatever infront of him. As if I went shopping everyday.

As if I had to excuse spending the money I work -and very hard- for.


So I buy him food so he can use my laptop to play and flirt.


Also something funny is that he often brings up if others flirt with me, because I look great, etc and he has asked in a "fun" way, I hadn't thought more about it but that SMS got me thinking perhaps he asks me often about that because HE is the one flirting with others.

I welcome thoughts, advice, kicks in the a$$



PS yesterday I took him to a theater that was GREAT, need to share some thoughts with you. It was about liberation, specifically of a woman, and it was a really strong message. He didn't get it. Said the woman was crazy...





I can't believe I'm here hurrying up because I want to leave before he comes back. Because he will get angry I don't want to take him with me. Because my sole purpose of driving over an hour is to buy clothes for myself and gifts. WTF is wrong with me??



BTW he is probably NOT coming to meet my dad. Maybe he goes meet me in the weekend but since I act as if I was alone and make my plans alone I feel safer. In fact he knew I would have taken an airplane instead, but as he is broke we were going by bus.

Now I will be taking the 10 hour night bus by myself on Tuesday. It could have been an hour and a half flight.



I won't say or do anything about this until I think about it very hard... he also states he wants to marry me... right... lately I have wondered why marry at all? if this guy quacks fidelity and "he wants to be with me forever" right...





Ok on goes Tc999 with techno music driving below the sunshine. I got so much to learn.

coyote21

My axw used to REALLY over react if any thing, no matter how innocent, happened.

It was very rare, but once a female co-worker sat next to me in an HR meeting that my x was giving at our site (same big corp, different sites). It was ALL x's co-workers and me.

This girl came in the conference room, looked around, and sat by me, as I was the only person she knew. She made small talk till the meeting started. Her biggest problem was being attractive. My bad.

Axw went ballistic on me after work, how could I embarrass her in front of all her friends? :wtf2

After our marriage was over I discovered x had numerous affairs, including one old bf that was apparently on going almost our whole marriage. Nice.

So, yes.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

AmandaPanda

As for the new dress, I don't think you should be hiding that from him. You're allowed to do nice things for yourself and if you don't think that you are going overboard then why not? If he has a reason why you shouldn't buy it other than it's money that you won't be spending on him then you guys can discuss that and see if he has a point.

That being said, he shouldn't be hiding things either. I'd talk to him about the flirting. Whats the point if you guys can't trust each other? This is something that I am just learning in my own relationship too...

I am curious, why isn't he going to meet your dad with you?

TakingCharge999

Well he was going to sign a contract but it has been put off indefinitely.... supposedly if he wins it it will be easier to get some other contracts in other towns but he is dealing with government so its bureaucracy (sp??).

Also yesterday I thought Mmmmmmmmmmmh. He will be alone for almost a week. Perhaps he brings someone?

I know he keeps talking to his ex, too. A supposedly rich girl but he "prefered me"

He is no longer invited anyway, I am angry and I want vacations from HIM.


Today he woke me up very early saying he didn't find his keys. And I was like huh? what do I have to do with your keys? he wanted me to help him find them. Ok so he found them. He then said why did I sleep in another room??? (yesterday we had some "action"..) "after all the energy he put yesterday"

Then I went back to my bed and he said he wanted a kiss and a real hug. Right.

As it is I will also go to the Bach flower therapist. Heck, I can even schedule therapy. I can have my dress, too. And I can have a great day.

I hope he leaves our apartment.
Then I can adopt my new cat.

A home with cats and peace and silence.

I know I will miss a few things but the image of him playing all Sunday with the house being a mess is enough to remind me that he seeks support from me. All kinds of it. And who do I have to support ME? no one...


PS the dress is worth the following amount: 15 DOLLARS. (things are way cheaper here but thats still cheap compared to other clothes over here) And I need it, its dressy and I could take it to work.

Nothing fits anymore as I have lost weight and am like 3 sizes thinner... how? I recommend moving from 4th floor to 4th floor apartments, pack and carry bags for a full night while your partner sleeps. Yup still bitter about that. Oh oh and also carrying cat food and litterbox sand often. Between this and taking the stairs at work due to fleeing from ex comments when he is around my desk, it will be like the Codie Fitness Program. How to Never Ever, Get a Break, and Choose to go Uphill. Always Uphill.

suki44883

To be completely honest, you really don't sound very happy with him and haven't from the get go. I guess I'm wondering why you don't just end the relationship and go your separate ways.

wicked

:rotfxko

TC, you are killin me here.
Oh yeah, you spelled bureaucracy exactly right, probably better than most!
You are so getting the program.
Keep working it girl.

MissFixit

Why don't you break up with him?

You have been complaining about his behavior for a while. From your post, he sounds like he is controlling and using you.

catlovermi

What I see you doing is hearing your gut, then reflecting what you hear to your SR peers, to bounce it off them for more perspective. I think this is terrific recovery at work!

CLMI

MissFixit

My point was that TC doesn't sound happy with this man. I really haven't heard anything positive about him in a while. I am concerned for TC's happiness and health, not the bf's.

I hear a lot of you taking care of him, paying for him, supporting him, cooking for him and seeing his family. I thought he was moving out soon, so I am surprised that he is still there and you are seeing his family. Although that is very nice of you to continue being a part of their lives, I wonder how this is helping you. To me, when I have been in similar situations, I was just getting more involved in their lives when the relationship was ending. It made it harder to let go in the end.

Not trying to boss or criticize.

coffeedrinker

TC,

are you thinking of ending your relationship? i can't always keep people's sitch's straight.

have you tried making lists, like i've seen on here? pro list, con list ?

i know that when we come here, we're talking about the PROBLEMS in our lives, much more than the things that we're lovin. so it sounds like this man is kind of an ass. only you know the truth - for you - on that score.

for me, i can't imagine being with someone who gave me a hard time about buying a new dress, or a cd, a hat, vase for the house. if i were married, then BIG financial decisions would be discussed. not a flippin dress. it's really disrespectful.

coffeedrinker

um, oh yeah. the messages.

well, it's easy to say "don't bring it up. what will it really solve?" you'll probably have an argument and/or he will not tell you the truth. but in reality, it would be hard to not bring it up. is that an answer?

if it were me, i'd probably try to figure out a way to spy on him when i'm gone. but i'm kinda sick.

tpen

Per the txt messages. Not only should you confront him on it, but indicate if you observe or find anymore that you are done. Set a boundary and see what he does. I had this happen to me and did confront her on it. She came up with a reason and let it go, and go, and go.

In discussion with a friend who's been marred for over 20 years. He stated this "if my wife said I'm going to xxxx bar, and I know this bar is a pick-up place, and she says I'll be back at 1. I would say you go do that, I'll be filing for divorce". I'm like what? After all these years of marriage you would do that? He said, there's no reason for her to be going into that bar other than for bad reasons. Lesson here, alot of us on here seem to tolerate behavior that is poor or lack of respect.

Would you give a guy your number on a piece of paper while your BF was in the restroom?

Learn2Live

Yuck. Does not sound like a situation I would like to be in. I hope you find peace and serenity soon.

Jadmack25

TC, I agree that you haven't been miss happy with him for a long time, and now I can see some reasons why. When did he become Captain of the fashion police, and get to sort out what you wear? And all the rest of it, has my eyebrows getting higher too.

His txt messages etc, are way out of line, then the shemozzle with your Dad and you now on a 10 hour trek instead of a quick flight, and you having to keep on supporting him.

C'mon now, you have done everything for him, except wipe his.......PLEASE tell me you didn't do that too!!!!!

Sorry hon, but he'd have worn my cane round his head and been shown out the front gate by now, and had a big X in front of BF, if it had been me. Too many red flags and tummy twinges for me to ignore. Listen to your gut as well, TC.

God bless

barb dwyer

Reading just YOUR posts -
it sounds like what I used to call 'spinning'
one minute everything looks ONE way
then a few hours later -
it's an entirely different 'looking' situation

when the reality is sitting right in front of me.

*prayers for continued support and clarity on your trip*

TakingCharge999

I was driving out from our apt complex and he was arriving. He asked if I was mad. I told him I had seen those msgs and needed an explanation. He turned white. I said I would come back later.

I drove to a touristic town near a lake that is so large it looks like the sea.

Bought ice cream. Enjoyed it.

Bought a purple bikini for 5 dollars.

The dress had been sold .. but I let it go lol , bought a similar one for my Mom.

Chatted with an artisan that turned out to be from my same city. He was around 50-60 years old. We talked about some jewelry and honey and stuff for sale then he kept talking to me outside the shop and walked me around... first it was great but then he asked if I went to the town alone and I said yes and he invited me to "dance" right away. I said "No". Then he said "maybe another time" and I said "No".

I really liked the feeling. No more excuses or explanations. Just NO.

He also kept getting closer physically and I felt my individual space invaded and kept stepping back. So I said "Ok. I will leave now" and parted.



Sheesh.

I had a really good time, very diff from when I go there with BF.

When I came back he said I was a very jealous person -right- and that the msg was for a friend!! not for him !! I asked to call said friend to verify the story but I felt too pathetic and dropped it.

He then cried and said he was hurt I could believe he cheated... that I'm the most important thing in his life...yadda yadda.

Miss, neither him or me can leave for now due to money

But he knows I want to live alone and he has been getting some interviews/doing odd jobs so at least he is trying. And I'm saving anyway.




So on we go on "holidays" tomorrow. I wanted to go by myself - but I also wanted my dad to meet him and talk to him. I also want to see how we are like when money is not a constant worry and we are out of our stressful jobs I know I have also stressed out due to work and have taken it out with him which is not fair.



Anyway today I had a nigthmare about ex, slept very badly, was late for work so not really feeling great in general. I am also mourning my dad again, while driving I cried a little,,, but then I feet great and secure and happy for him.

...

BF has helped with a few house chores and is also more or less equal to me in regards to formal payments. He has also brought pizza or invited me to places more often. So I wonder if I am not seeing some good things he does. Ugh.

Or the other day when I was supersad abt my dad leaving and he held me a looooooooooong time.


Anyway after a loooooong talk with him... we decided to go together... and have a good time. I told him I was NOT allowing stress take over the few days I can forget everything and just enjoy ..

I am set to have a good time. No matter what. Yesterday I realized I can still have a life apart of my romantic life. That I am NOT my romantic life. I am NOT my feelings either. While driving I realized I am a free person and tried to see I am learning and its OK not to be perfect.


And I get how many ppl stay while making a plan to leave. I believe I am like that now as well, just hanging there until I can be alone... and being alone, to really think about what I want... and what this guy has to offer.




I am double guessing myself about him but I also went to this town's church and asked for light and clarity for everyone and if I can please, please receive more signals so there is no room for doubt if I take any decision.

Today with my bad mood I realize I am mourning and going through anger and letting go and sadness for my DAD so I will focus on that and spending a good time with him.. afterwards I have all the time in the world to observe, analyze stuff abt BF... there's no use quarreling or hating life if for now I don't have the means to change the living situation.



Sometimes I wonder if he is using me and sometimes I wonder if its not me the one who wants to see the EX in disguise and is ruining something, expecting bad stuff to come from him.


Also when we are happy I don't post here...... so its a tricky business...



Anyway Im going to my Bach flower therapist, she keeps saying I need to say and believe I got a great partner as if it were true, and he will either change or leave and make room for what I am creating with my affirmations.


Its all very confusing. Will come back to that next week. For now its buying sun tan and flower remedies for separation anxiety for my cats yesterday they both slept hugging me...

Duped

When I came back he said I was a very jealous person -right-

Turning it around, attacking you.

and that the msg was for a friend!! not for him !!

Yeah, right. (Lying & minimising)

He then cried and said he was hurt I could believe he cheated... that I'm the most important thing in his life...yadda yadda.

Turning himself into the victim and emotionally blackmailing you.

TakingCharge999

Yes he had enough time to come up with something, lol.

Anyway for instance he has never called someone in secret. Or I have never been suspicious of his activities outside home. Also that happened the one time he went out with his 'friends' and came back super drunk. Although that is not an excuse... mhhhmhmh...

He swore he would tell me first if he wanted to be with someone else. And I believed him

The one thing that is sure is that I'm going to therapy again to consult on this issue...the therapist said, if anything happens once, one has to talk about it... if it happens twice, you need to clarify the point again.. if it happens the third time then its time to think if its a dealbreaker.

In terms of cheating or seeing other women, I think this is a first.

Thanks a lot for all your thoughts... keeping my eyes and ears open.....

Duped

Sounds like he's doing a fair bit of gaslighting, which can drive you absolutely mad. Knowing the truth and reality and yet still getting the bs is absolutely maddening.

tpen

TC - I can relate to what you are going through. I think it's ok what you are doing, but you do need to listen to advice of others on here also. Remember, you are in the forest and it's hard to see clearly. Perhaps removing yourself for a week from the forest might enable you to understand his intentions and your heart also.

It's not wrong that you are trying. I think a person can until they feel done. The third time is your limit and you said it here. So try to stick to it. If you are new to this game of manipulation it can be hard to see what's really going on.

Hang in there and keep posting.