Mambo Queen

Earlier, Bucyn posted a thread about if anyone is sorry they left. I can say that I am not sorry I left. My ex continues to show that he isn't going to "get" recovery anytime soon. His latest effort to show me this is relapsing again a mere two weeks after leaving the Salvation Army, and now trying to support himself by gambling.

However.

I DO miss him. When he was in the Salvation Army, I went out with him about three times with our dd when we had a very fun time together. Even sometimes on the phone, we've had long conversations like we used to and it's like we just click, we just get each other, in a way I fear I will never find again. I am in a new relationship, and have been since two months after I filed for divorce. But, new guy (even though he is also an "old guy", a guy I had dated in the past) sometimes kind of, I don't know, makes me feel like I'm annoying him, or we don't quite click as easily, or something. As far as who treats me better, hands down, no contest...new guy wins in a walk. But sometimes I feel like the nice things he does for me are because he feels like that's what he's supposed to do...I don't feel that passion for me like I felt from my ex.

It doesn't help that my ex still calls, and when he's not being crazy, leaves very loving messages on my VM about how much he misses me still, how much I am his soul mate, referencing good times we had together and how he will miss those always. I'm slowly cutting off contact with him, not completely because of our daughter, but I pick up the phone less and less, and only call about twice a week to let daughter speak to him.

He's drinking right now and I still feel this way! And we've been apart for well over a year, and I've been in a new relationship for most of that time!

My contact with him during his Salvation Army stint didn't help matters, because we did have a couple of wonderful days with our daughter, and I don't know why I can't conjure up more the bad times, and I don't know why I'm still even contemplating giving another chance to a man that even as we speak is out boozing and gambling. I'm not really even contemplating it, it's just that sometimes I fear that I will never have that full connection with another man again, and I'm pissed that the one man I felt I had it with is such a wreck. I hated being his mommy and won't do that to myself or my daughter again, but dammit, I still miss him. And he still gets to me when he leaves a message that says, "Just getting pizza, pepperoni and anchovies like we used to get. I'll never get over you. You'll always be my one true love."

And my brain can see that for the quacking that it is, but my heart still has a hard time letting go. I just wish I were further along.

bookwyrm

:ghug3

Maybe going No Contact would help you heal? From your post, it sounds as if hearing from him, even in VM, opens your wounds again, not giving them a chance to heal.

I don't think you're being very fair to the new BF either. The connection you talk of is built up over years of being together. Of knowing each other's habits well. Stop comparing the two because you are romanticising your past relationship with your ex (you're having trouble remembering the bad parts). Can you go back an read old journal entries? Read old posts here?

Jazzman

I can related to the passion you felt because of all the things M and I had over the years it was the passion that made our long term on again off again relationship happen. This is exactly what keeps me from NOT looking for another relationship because I could not be fair to anyone else right now and only hurt could come from it. I don't think you're ready to move on yet and if your current BF was a friend of mine I would feel compelled to warn him. I would ask why is it that you feel you must have a relationship even if you're in no shape yet to be IN a relationship?

coffeedrinker

mambo,
did you read my post from a couple weeks ago? i don't know if this will ring true for you, but...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2579108

i too think you need to really minimize contact. i think it keeps you a little stuck. i also think that the dynamics that play out in the addict/codependent relationship is very powerful. you can't get that with someone like your new bf because he is not that kind of person, and you (maybe?) still are.

i totally get this.

hadenoughnow

IMO the difference is that you are now in a more "normal" relationship as opposed to the abusive/codependent one you have with your ex. All of the loving VM's are part of the cycle of abuse, you cling to it because that is what you are accustomed to. Again, just my ESH.

I highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, it opened my eyes regarding the dynamics of my relationship with my exah.

Mambo Queen

Thanks everyone for your insightful replies. Two positive things I can say about my relationship with my new BF is that we are taking things quite slow, and both of us are very open and honest with each other about our struggles to progress and grow out of unhealthiness. He is fully aware of my previous relationship, and what it was like, and what struggles I still have feeling the codie pull towards rescuing and enabling. I haven't gone so far as to tell him I still have a smidgeon of romantic feelings for my ex, but it really is truly a smidgeon, and I think the poster that said it's leftover residue from the ol' abusive/codie dance is correct. I'm going to minimize contact even more and check out that book.

coffeedrinker

where's the "double thanks" button? ((anvil))

TakingCharge999

Amazon.com: Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again (9780452272040): Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko, Aaron T. Beck: Books

Amazon.com: Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again (9780452272040): Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko, Aaron T. Beck: Books

barb dwyer

Hi -

It also sounds to me like a bit of the 'bad boy;' syndrome as well.

I told a guy in AA who'd i'd become friends with one time...
about my being a classic 'jerk magnet'....
I said, "For example - I know for a fact YOU don't have a mean bone in your body"

and he says "How do you know that for sure?"

and I said "Because I'm not in the least way attracted to you."

I've dated 'nice guys' but onlly for a while...
because there's no 'spark' with them.

Bland as kleenex.

That's not the ex... that's not the new guy.... that's US.

And we've got to find out where that coems from
so we can turn it around.

Or we'll just do the same thing again. And again. And again.