Nightmare21

So today seemed like any normal day and everything seemed to be going okay for once. I went to work, had a relatively okay day and came home. To my surprise my husband beat me home which never happens. At first I thought, oh he just got out of work early... That rarely happens. I walk in the door to find my husband sitting at the computer drinking a bottle of Scotch. It looked like he'd been home a while now. I ask him what was he doing home so soon. He just flat out said it. My husband who had worked a professional job for over 30 years was fired for drinking on the job. I posted before how he'd been drinking on the job for quite some time apparently. Well know he's been caught. It took some time for this to actually sit in my brain. Once that happened it goes without saying - I was p*ssed. I lost my temper and started yelling at him. Telling him how irresponsible he was and how dare he jeopardize our future and finances. He appologized but that did very little to nothing to ease my anger. We fought for a few hours until I went and sat in another room and he left. It's over 3am and I have no idea where he is. In all honestly I really need him gone at the moment so it's actually not really a concern of mine. I'm really starting to consider a divorce. It's crossed my mind more then a few times but now it's starting to sound like thats the only way I'll even find peace.

Sorry for the rant

catlovermi

No one knows what will happen. But my first instinct is: protect your assets, in case the marriage does end. It could spiral very fast after a large watershed event like this.

You don't need to make rash decisions, in the heat of change and anger, but it's prudent to protect yourself against possibilities.

Have you ever tried Alanon support groups? They can be very helpful to untangle these sorts of messes, and help you get thinking straight, again.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

naive

hi nightmare-

well, you saw this coming a while back and now it has happened. i agree with catlover, it would be good to take a few steps to protect yourself.

your husband appears to not be willing to seek help after your daughter left and rather, has chosen to numb himself with drink. i understand this is not who he was but it is who he is now.

from what you have shared with us, it does not appear that he is concerned about you right now in his grief and related self-numbing. i hope you can see that and take steps to safeguard yourself.

he will take you down with him, if you permit it.

i am concerned that he is drinking heavily in the car. is the car in your name also? you might want to take steps to separate your liablity regarding the car and insurance. what if he hurts someone?

additionally, you stated that all he does is work. well, now he's lost his job. so i'm wondering what he will do now that he doesn't go to work?

i'm sorry you are going thru this and i pray you have some network of support, perhaps a counselor, friends and family.

he's an adult and this is what he is choosing to do. you have choices also. you do not have to sit by and watch him self-destruct (as it appears that's what he's intent on).

please take care of yourself.

naive

sesh

Hi Nightmare21,
I've been sitting in front of your thread for a good half of an hour, unable to think of what to write,... I can't even begin to imagine everything you've been trough. I'm so sorry for your pain. But for your husband's pain too and his inability to cope with it.
Just hope you take care of yourself.
I know I'm not much help, but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and wish you well

kptsj

Nightmare, I am sorry this has happened. My husband was fired from his job the last week of February. He found a way to get unemployment. All he does is drink and raise hell. He could have used this as a learning experience, gone to school, helped around the house, spent quality time with the kids and grandson. Instead he drinks and helps his friends with all sorts of projects. excuse me, we have a house. We have things that need to be done.
Be prepared, take steps to protect yourself financially. I wish I had.

queenteree

(((Nightmare)))
This very same thing happened to me over 2 years ago. My RAH lost his job of over 25 years due to drinking on the job also. He had been doing it for quite some time, was warned several times by his supervisor and sent home for a couple of days to "dry out" and given one last chance. Finally, they had to do what they had to do.
Let me tell you, after that, he drank even more heavily than ever! He became verbally abusive when drunk, and really spiraled downhill. Unfortunately, even tho that was severe, his downward spiral continued for another 2 years before he left me, blew all his retirement money and got three dwi's. Take it from me, please, please heed the advice of the others on here, and protect yourself financially and legally. I didn't. I stuck it out for 2 years till he left me (best thing he could have ever did). Unfortunately, our retirement is all gone (his was the bulk of it), it was a hard lesson learned on my part. That's why I guess I'm hoping you'll heed their wisdom.
Just be prepared, this is not the end of his drinking career. He will not stop right now cause he lost his job. It's only going to get worse before it gets better! You are in my prayers.

coffeedrinker

i think now is the time for you to:
* continue to develop your support network
* be smart - protect yourself financially as much as possible
* consider contacting an attorney - not to nec. file, but to gather information, and
advice. mine was emotionally supportive as well as legally

so sorry - this is scary and painful.

remember we're always here

Pelican

I'm sorry that this has happened. I have been angry at my spouse for F***ing up a job too.

I have hind-sight now into what was happening when my spouse lost/left good jobs in the past. The alcoholic was doing what alcoholics will do = not taking responsibility for their actions. That I could not control or cure.

Talk with your support group. Keep venting and reaching out during this time.

I want to caution you against putting yourself into a victim role with this situation. Your alcoholic was not doing this to you, but was doing this to himself. (the ripple effect does hit you hard, however). Feeling like a victim will leave you powerless to take care of yourself.

You have some important steps to take now. We are here to support you and help you as needed.

isurvived

I know how devastating this event is, as it happened to my now XAH too. It was a gut-punch, but one I knew was coming eventually. It was one of those "dark clouds that seem to always linger on the edge of our lives", one that we know will eventually drift our way.

After the initial shock and anger, I once again put on my positive face and considered it to perhaps be "the bottom" he was hopefully reaching. It wasn't, just a mere step further down the steep slope he was traveling.

After that, came depression for him, and an increased sense of worthlessness. Instead of getting help that was available, he reached for his one sure-fired cure - the bottle!

Really the last chapter for me. I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and pulled myself outta there! Filed for divorce, and ended it.

Maybe your situation will be different - I hope. If not, prepare yourself for a solo journey, and like the others have said - protect yourself in advance.

There ARE better days just around the corner!

Nightmare21

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I'm stillto somewhat shocked over this. My husband was planning on retiring within the next yearor so and we had big plans for that. Now that and all our other plans have gone out the window. This isn't where I thought I would be a year ago. In fact, I'm surprised at how rapidly my husband is falling into his drinking. No more then a year ago he rarely drank. Even at parties he'd drink one or two beers the whole time and that was it. Now it's a complete turn around. This has certainly changed things for me. I'm glad that he at least had the courage to tell me he lost his job rather then lie to me about his job. But everyone here is right. I need to protect myself first and not allow myself to go down with him. I've worked hard for what I have and I won't let him take that away. I've already taken the first few steps already and have changed it so that he can not withdraw money from any of the accounts. I plan on getting the cars in my name next. It's been over a day and I still don't know where he is. But its not the first time he has disappeared

Carol Star

he same thing happened to me... I did leave. We seperated and got back together several times and it just spiraled down. We divorced. The seperation agreement and divorce was sad but fair. We divided all assets 50/50. I guess he gets unemployment. He is unemployable. He is a felon from so many dui's. I do not regret my decisions. He didn't believe in AA.....he went for awhile court appoiinted but never cleaned up. He lost a wonderful job. He went to jail which should have been a bottom for him but wasn't. I did have to protect myself. Mine hung around younger addicts/alcoholics and did . It wore me down and wore me out. To thine own self be true.

transformyself

Nightmare, has he sought counceling since you lost your daughter? Is that when the drinking started? I cannot imagine the grief the two of you and your family are experiencing.

That said, everyone is right. Best to start protecting yourself. I'm very sorry and yes, we're always here.

Nightmare21

He’s received grief counseling which was mandatory after the second time he was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poising and an overdose of oxycodon. He was hesitant to attend counseling but was willing to work with the people there and had an okay attitude towards it after a few times of going. Although if it was up to him, I doubt he would go on his own. But he did attend all the sessions with no problems. His drinking all began roughly a month to a month and a half after our daughter left. It started with a few beers a week and slowly evolved to what it is now. So our daughters death is defiantly a factor. When she first passed my husband seems to handle the loss well. Or at the very least he handeled it well for someone who lost their only child. A year ago he rarely drank at all. I'm very surprised at how quicky this has gotten out of hand. His drinking has caused so many other problems for him already.

Still no word from him since late Friday night. Usually he calls or something by now. No idea where he could be without a car and very little money

barb dwyer

Nightmare -

I am relieved to see that you've gotten control of the money.

That's a HUGE weight.

I'm glad you found SR because now you'renot alone.
You're among friends who will ()in my experience)
do all they can to support and help you.

I'm curious -
about his whereabouts -
what is your gut telling you?

Nightmare21

This past Jan. we seperated for over a week for this same reason - his drinking. He ended up staying at a friends house. Another time he disappeared like this and was staying in a hotel in another city. This time, after he walked out the house he called a friend to pick him up. This is the same friend who he stayed with the first time. So my guess is he's with that friend and staying there. This friend of his has some severe mental problems of his own and is not very well balanced either. Nice guy though. I'm pretty positive my husband is there

JoeVet

I can't imagine watching that happen and knowing its coming. I was lucky when my AW lost her job. I was ignorant of the drinking then. She came up with a plausible excuse and I didn't question. Man, was I stupid. Anyway, sorry to hear.

barb dwyer

I asked because -

well, you said he'd disappeared before,
and I think there was something about a friend,
I don't remember but -

I wanted to make sure that you weren't afraid for his safety on a gut level.

Hope that makes sense.

WantsOut

Hey, I have a little light to add to all the gloom that seems to be your situation. When I finally left my exAH, he spiraled too. Got DWI #3 and his job was at risk. He also spent himself silly, maxing out his cards, etc.

But listen to this - he eventually got sober. Courts had a lot to do with it, but losing me was a body blow for him. He relapses from time to time - I know this because he'll email me out of the blue and it's clear he's toasted, but for the most part he's ok. He's better than he was when I was enabling him. My leaving him forced him to deal with life on life's terms. With me he lived like a child - I took care of him. Now he's a man. Imperfect, yes, but he is his own man.

You might just be doing him a favor if you left.

Learn2Live

Nightmare21, I have gone back and read your posts (something I rarely do) and wish to share my perspectives with you. I hope something I say here is helpful.

First, I'd like to say that I think there is more going on with your husband than you know. I do not believe that his alcoholism is simply a reaction to your daughter's death. I am not psychic or anything but I think there was probably some substance and addiction and likely other issues with your husband that you have not begun to suspect until now. My point in telling you this is to caution you against getting "lost in the whys." Those of us who love an alcoholic often look for the reasons WHY they are alcoholic in the first place. In the backs of our minds, we think that if we just understand WHY they drink, we can help them stop. We examine their behavior in detail and attribute it to the reason we have come up with, and we begin to make excuses for their behavior. It can become an obsession and is what often drives us crazy.

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I cannot begin to fathom how that feels for either of you. I am not denying the impact such an event may have had on your spouse. However, I think it would be beneficial for both you and your husband if you try to stop thinking of your daughter's passing as the reason why he is behaving this way. Alcoholism is a disease, and the death of a loved one does not CAUSE it. This principle is part of the THREE C's: You did not cause it, You cannot cure it, and You cannot control it.

I recommend instead that you attend some Al-Anon meetings and begin to educate yourself on the topic of alcoholism. There is a lot of good information in the stickies at the top of this forum. There are also some good books you can read, and can even get them at your local library. One in particular is called, "Codependent No More," by Melody Beattie.

I also recommend that you begin to try to stop reacting to him and start asking yourself and planning what you want for YOU and YOUR LIFE, with or without him in it. Because each time you react to him, you give him fodder to continue to behave the way he has been behaving. You must do what is right for YOU, regardless of what he is doing, has done, and will do. So, if you have decided that you no longer want to live with an alcoholic, kick him out of the house or leave yourself, but do so independent of his behavior, that is, not as a reaction to HIS behavior. Each time you kick him out in reaction to his bad behavior, you then go running around looking for him, and then let him back into your life and your home. This is being inconsistent and appearing to the alcoholic like you do not know what you want and delivering the message that it is OK for him to continue to do whatever HE wants. In other words, you are letting the addiction rule your life and make your decisions about your life FOR YOU. It's crazy making and it's going to get worse if you do not put a stop to it yourself.

I agree with everyone else: start to take measures to protect yourself financially. But also, figure out where you want to be in your life a year from now, three years from now, five years from now, and focus on those things, which will give you the strength during difficult times to allow your decisions to reflect those goals. If you can't make up your mind whether or not to continue to allow him in your life, there is nothing wrong with asking for a separation to give you both time to figure out what to do about your marriage. And DEFINITELY go to Al-Anon.

:ghug3

naive

hi nightmare...just wondering what's happening and if he's returned and most importantly, how are you?...