Ending the week on a bad note.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Ending the week on a bad note.
I started off the week not feeling so good. Started to feel better and WHAM!
I was thinking of talking to my husband about the status of our relationship b/c he had been congenial for a change and the vibes felt good between us at work. So today when he approached me and asked when we could talk I was ready. I said he could call me over the weekend. Then he started to talk about our relationship at work! I kept my cool at first but it didn't last. He was talking about wanting to move forward in his life without me, but he doesn't want to file - he wants me to file. I politely declined. He left disturbed but I didn't care.I was still angry that he approached the subject at work (and that it wasnt' what I was expecting) He leaves me a message saying that things havent' changed much between us or he would consider reconciliation.
All I could think of was how dare he accuse me of not wanting to work things out when he all he has to say is that he wants a D.
At lunchtime it was more of the same - he just doesn't get that if he wants out - he has to do something about it - and not doing anything or expecting me to do it is unimaginable! Then I realized that I wasn't feeling good arguing with him so I asked him what would make this easy? He says we should get a simple D together - so tearfully now I tell him to call a lawyer and set up the appt and I will show up for it. Now that is not good enough - he wants me to file and pay for it myself. I almost laughed but it wasn't funny. He was serious.
I calmed down, took a brief walk, when I hear him being super nice to someone - I almost cursed out loud but caught myself. At the end of the day I left him the message that he isn't making sense to me - he wants an amicable D - I give my cooperation and now that is not good enough - he wants me to pay so it seems to me that he doesn't quite know what he want and to call me when he figures out what he really wants.
I could really use some support. There was more going on but I didn't want to go on too much and just hit the highlights. What a day so far.
I was thinking of talking to my husband about the status of our relationship b/c he had been congenial for a change and the vibes felt good between us at work. So today when he approached me and asked when we could talk I was ready. I said he could call me over the weekend. Then he started to talk about our relationship at work! I kept my cool at first but it didn't last. He was talking about wanting to move forward in his life without me, but he doesn't want to file - he wants me to file. I politely declined. He left disturbed but I didn't care.I was still angry that he approached the subject at work (and that it wasnt' what I was expecting) He leaves me a message saying that things havent' changed much between us or he would consider reconciliation.
All I could think of was how dare he accuse me of not wanting to work things out when he all he has to say is that he wants a D.
At lunchtime it was more of the same - he just doesn't get that if he wants out - he has to do something about it - and not doing anything or expecting me to do it is unimaginable! Then I realized that I wasn't feeling good arguing with him so I asked him what would make this easy? He says we should get a simple D together - so tearfully now I tell him to call a lawyer and set up the appt and I will show up for it. Now that is not good enough - he wants me to file and pay for it myself. I almost laughed but it wasn't funny. He was serious.
I calmed down, took a brief walk, when I hear him being super nice to someone - I almost cursed out loud but caught myself. At the end of the day I left him the message that he isn't making sense to me - he wants an amicable D - I give my cooperation and now that is not good enough - he wants me to pay so it seems to me that he doesn't quite know what he want and to call me when he figures out what he really wants.
I could really use some support. There was more going on but I didn't want to go on too much and just hit the highlights. What a day so far.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
He is playing you, or trying to push your buttons. You talked, you saw, now you need to retreat and give yourself some space and time to think. It seems the pattern is just so repetitive with all of us. The only way perhaps you should of talked to him would of been had he approached you about supporting him with recovery.
Just my thoughts............I don't like seeing others like you filled with anxiety. You tried though, so pat yourself on the back. Trying is all it seems we do though. Perhaps tough love is your next aim. If he wants to file, let him. Just because he files doesn't mean you marriage is over. Think positive if you want, it's ok.
Just my thoughts............I don't like seeing others like you filled with anxiety. You tried though, so pat yourself on the back. Trying is all it seems we do though. Perhaps tough love is your next aim. If he wants to file, let him. Just because he files doesn't mean you marriage is over. Think positive if you want, it's ok.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The sense I get is that it's not about him filing or you filing or who pays. It seems to me that you may still be holding on to hope that he will change his mind. And, it seems that he is trying to tell you it's over.
How about if you put the divorce aside and just concentrate on accepting that the marriage is over. I have a feeling that once you accept that, the rest will work itself out.
L
How about if you put the divorce aside and just concentrate on accepting that the marriage is over. I have a feeling that once you accept that, the rest will work itself out.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
I am so sorry Kassie. It does get better though I promise you. As Lateeda referenced once you accept that its over..It gets easier. I know how surprising this news may have been to you. In my case when I heard the news eventually I realized he knew he couldnt control me anymore so he wanted to move on and he did. He has someone new but I can only concentrate on me...Its baby steps for me but the nc thing is key. If you can..Hugs to you and feel free to pm me if you want to chat tonight..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by lulu1974 
...he knew he couldnt control me anymore so he wanted to move on ...
I was calling him to account more and more. It was unbearable to him...he's scared to take account of himself, so he ran. And I was catching on to just how despicably he was behaving, so it's time to cut bait. And I wasn't supporting his pleasant fantasies either (that his effed up kid was really just misunderstood and being set up by others, that his mommy is really just a timid, sweet, misunderstood old lady instead of a ruthless, manipulative selfish old hag, that he himself has done everything possible to make the marriage work, and most of all...that alcohol was his friend who helped him cope with his life). So I had no use. I actually expected him to act like a HUSBAND, a FATHER, and to KEEP HIS PROMISES and--gasp--TELL THE TRUTH.
Heavens, how could anyone be so unreasonable.
Same thing happened to him at work..and he got fired. Except all they wanted from him is to show up at work and stay there and do the work without offending other employees. I guess they were unreasonable too? (or maybe it was somehow my fault? LOL, everything that goes wrong with his life was my fault, so why not that too?)
In any case, it was time to tuck tail and run back to mommy (stopping off at the lawyer's first to demand alimony).
I cannot emphasize enough how much better life is without these disturbed people in my life. I'm back to myself and just loving it. Life is calm and stable and interesting and so full of promise in so many different areas. I never thought such opportunites would be available to a 48 year old woman.
It's better without these people; I promise you.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
He wants out. He wants a divorce. He wants you to file and pay.
He wants a dummy inserted in his mouth, to shut him up.
He also needs to learn that what "he wants", and what he gets, are NOT always the same thing.
Now would be a good time to let him know that if HE wants something, then HE can go take the action required to get it.
He wants a divorce, so let him go file and pay for what he wants.
If he had wanted sobriety and to save his marriage with half the determination he has to end it, THERE WOULD BE NO DIVORCE NECESSARY.
Stay strong and let him quack his beak off.
Keep repeating that he wants it...he gets it.
God bless
He wants a dummy inserted in his mouth, to shut him up.
He also needs to learn that what "he wants", and what he gets, are NOT always the same thing.
Now would be a good time to let him know that if HE wants something, then HE can go take the action required to get it.
He wants a divorce, so let him go file and pay for what he wants.
If he had wanted sobriety and to save his marriage with half the determination he has to end it, THERE WOULD BE NO DIVORCE NECESSARY.
Stay strong and let him quack his beak off.
Keep repeating that he wants it...he gets it.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Bucyn
I cannot emphasize enough how much better life is without these disturbed people in my life. I'm back to myself and just loving it. Life is calm and stable and interesting and so full of promise in so many different areas. I never thought such opportunites would be available to a 48 year old woman.
It's better without these people; I promise you.
It's better without these people; I promise you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 26
Kass I'm so sorry to hear you're having a bad day. You're husbands behavior is insensitive and I wish he was treating you the way you deserve. I say remember who you are and what's important to you. You're a strong woman from what I've observed listening to you talk at meetings. Take care of yourself, remind yourself all the things you know about this disease and give the rest over to your hp. It's always darkest before the dawn and you've known what you're up against so there's no telling what the dawn will be. There's nothing wrong with what you hope for and NOTHING wrong about feeling badly about the dying of your dream. No one can say if there's any chance or not for anyone else and their relationship. I know, I know, it doesn't look good. In fact, it looks pretty awful but that's life. I've never found a single thing in life worth having I didn't have to work for, sometimes even fight for ESPECIALLY when it's come to relationships. Most times, my fight has been with myself. I needed to learn to have boundaries, take care of myself (and I don't mean my physical things) and let others suffer the natural consequences of their choices without trying to manipulate or control them. There's lots of times I've fought and fought only to be devastated, crying and wondering how I would pick up the pieces but I'm not going to stop hoping one of these times its gonna go my way and I'm especially proud I hung in with my marriage until he stepped up and did what needed to be done to end it. It sucked, it hurt and I wouldn't want to do it again but I'm proud of myself for hanging tough on the committment I made "for better or worse, in sickness and health until death do us part." Hanging out with an A is for the worse, in sickness and if they won't help themselves, I consider that a death. If he does make it through recovery, in lots of ways your old relationship had to die and begin anew so I say cry, be angry, go through the grief process and if things change you'll be ready for the new future with him but you'll also be ready for a new future without him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Thanks All!
I bagged out last night from the frustration I felt so sorry I didn't read until today. Guess that is part of my stuff - asking help and not staying to get it. UGH... I have to admit that I got very down out.
So, this morning I realized somethings - Husband did say he wanted to move on with his life mostly b/c it hasn't worked with us for more than just a few weeks or months which is not enough for him. I noticed that for the first time he did admit that things do work when he is sober and goes to AA. The times we got along the best and I mean really good - were when he was in AA and sober. I am guessing that either (A) he doesn't realize this himself, or (B) he doesn't want to give up drinking.
As far as it being really over - from other things he said like, "I would consider working things out if we could talk, but we aren't even talking" That is a reference to the fact that I have not wanted contact until he can stop talking about D and start talking about what it will take to work things out for BOTH of us (either way) After talking yesterday, he leaves me the message that today's talk confirms for him that things can't be worked out - meaning he was still hoping while talking about D. Twisted mentality. I don't think he wants a D. I think he really wants it all - me, the A, and no hassles. Wouldn't we all?
As for me, I am calmer so far today. I really do think that for now I will stand firm on letting him do the work if that is what he wants and I will consult a lawyer about any dangers in letting things stay in limbo any longer- I think not unless I want to make any significant changes like buying a new home. I was looking but it isn't realistic where I live.
And in response to others, I have been accepting that it may be over little by little. When i came here, I had started to set limits on his behavior and I understood that it might mean he would leave and not come back. But he has come back everytime after figuring out how to negotiate the limit. Therapist told me awhile back that his processing is about slow as it gets but it does function. We were talking about how I could manage the time lags better which I go back and forth with. Saying he wants out has been a lifelong pattern but not just talk- he always left relationships and situations when uncomfortable. The strange thing in our relationship (and it goes for his work too) is that this is the first time in his life that he has broken that pattern and keeps trying to work it out.
I know that is one of the reasons I hang in there. There has been some real change - it may not be good enough - time is showing me what I can and cannot do. But for today, I will live for myself as I have been doing and praying for those I love.
I bagged out last night from the frustration I felt so sorry I didn't read until today. Guess that is part of my stuff - asking help and not staying to get it. UGH... I have to admit that I got very down out.
So, this morning I realized somethings - Husband did say he wanted to move on with his life mostly b/c it hasn't worked with us for more than just a few weeks or months which is not enough for him. I noticed that for the first time he did admit that things do work when he is sober and goes to AA. The times we got along the best and I mean really good - were when he was in AA and sober. I am guessing that either (A) he doesn't realize this himself, or (B) he doesn't want to give up drinking.
As far as it being really over - from other things he said like, "I would consider working things out if we could talk, but we aren't even talking" That is a reference to the fact that I have not wanted contact until he can stop talking about D and start talking about what it will take to work things out for BOTH of us (either way) After talking yesterday, he leaves me the message that today's talk confirms for him that things can't be worked out - meaning he was still hoping while talking about D. Twisted mentality. I don't think he wants a D. I think he really wants it all - me, the A, and no hassles. Wouldn't we all?
As for me, I am calmer so far today. I really do think that for now I will stand firm on letting him do the work if that is what he wants and I will consult a lawyer about any dangers in letting things stay in limbo any longer- I think not unless I want to make any significant changes like buying a new home. I was looking but it isn't realistic where I live.
And in response to others, I have been accepting that it may be over little by little. When i came here, I had started to set limits on his behavior and I understood that it might mean he would leave and not come back. But he has come back everytime after figuring out how to negotiate the limit. Therapist told me awhile back that his processing is about slow as it gets but it does function. We were talking about how I could manage the time lags better which I go back and forth with. Saying he wants out has been a lifelong pattern but not just talk- he always left relationships and situations when uncomfortable. The strange thing in our relationship (and it goes for his work too) is that this is the first time in his life that he has broken that pattern and keeps trying to work it out.
I know that is one of the reasons I hang in there. There has been some real change - it may not be good enough - time is showing me what I can and cannot do. But for today, I will live for myself as I have been doing and praying for those I love.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Of course he wants YOU to file and YOU to pay; he hasn't changed, has he? They always expect someone ELSE to take care of their own responsibilities and get them what they want. Stop paying attention to the baby.
Focus on your SELF and what YOU want for YOUR life. No more reacting to the alcoholic and what he says and does, no matter how dramatic or drastic
Focus on your SELF and what YOU want for YOUR life. No more reacting to the alcoholic and what he says and does, no matter how dramatic or drastic
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