NEAVON12

I was married 20 years and yesterday my divorce was final. My ex didnt want the Div. and promised to change. The first 10 yrs of marriage he drank & did cocaine. Then got hep c and quit drinking/drugging. Was pretty good for a year. Went back to work sporatically, and one year later hurt back. Was off for 3 years, got hooked on opiates, did 3 rehabs, basically has never held a steady job. We separated in Sep 09 & then got back together Nov 09. Yes, i know that wasnt long enough and i knew it right away. Jan 27 he quit his job, which in turn played a part in our losing our house. That was the last draw. The next 45 days he displayed crazy behavior, and finally in the last 2-3 weeks, he got a job, started going to meetings, got a sponsor. I told him i need to see him stable for a year...support himself, pay his bills, KEEP a job..
He didnt think i would sign, and i am not happy i did, but i really dont think he will follow thru. Ive seen him do meetings for 2 months and then quit.
Guess I am asking if anyone has seen any significant turn arounds?

CAPTAINZING2000

There's a story in the AA readings, job or no job, wife/husband or no wife/husband we can't place conditions on being clean and sober.

Unless, he's getting sober strictly for himself, chances are, he's not ready to stay sober.

See if he's good on his word. Do you two have kids together?

Freedom1990

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

When I first got clean/sober, my odds of staying that way were pretty slim considering my past.

Through the grace of God, a lot of hard work, and with help from others in recovery, I've been clean and sober over 19 years now. So, the odds are I'll be clean/sober tomorrow if I continue to do the things I have in recovery.

As the ex-wife of an active addict/alcoholic, I can tell you that my time is much better spent on healing myself from the effects of a loved one's disease.

I also have a 32 year old daughter who is not in recovery, and I don't see that happening either.

There were a lot of deep wounds from having the active disease in my home.

What are you doing for yourself to heal your wounds?

ThatLittleGirl

I posted this on another thread...maybe it will help you...

My husband is also a "pill" addict... He has been an active addict for years and years. I came to realize through the sticky 'What Addicts Do' that I had been deluding myself for many, many years. I wanted to deny his behavior because I didn't want to deal with them, and I didn't want to have to make some very difficult decisions. So, even though the "blinders" came off so-to-speak, I still couldn't let go of the "investigative", nagging, anxiety behaviors. I wanted to know if he was using...when, where, how, etc...then, I was going to leave for good (yeah, just like the other ten times...not). Well, two weekends past, I just "knew" he was using even though he denied it...so I forced a separation from him. It felt sooooo good. No more analyzing strange behavior, slurred words, sleeping 'til noon, etc... The house was peaceful with just me and my daughters. I loved it... So I told him last week I was filing for a divorce. I still love him, I always will...and I hope he finds his recovery. But like I told him...it's as if we both jumped out of an airplane and are careening towards earth at 1,000 miles an hour. I was waiting for him to pull his parachute so I could pull mine...we'd do it together. I realized last week he may never pull his parachute, but I COULDN'T wait to pull mine any longer...so I did. I pray he will eventually, but if he doesn't, that's his choice.

So, I'm staging my house and will put it up for sale in the next couple of weeks. I'll live with my parents short-term until I can get on my feet again. Emotionally, I've never felt better. Because you see...for me...I couldn't detach while we shared the same space...and I would never get over the anxiety that his reckless behavior could have major financial implications to everything we've worked for for the last ten years. So, I'm taking steps to put space between us emotionally and financially. If years down the road he's wanting to work things out between us or I am...I'll be emotionally healthy enough to make a decision one way or another. But I won't live for that or focus on that...but rather, focus on me and my daughters and ensuring a healthy, safe, loving environment for us is my priority...


He may recover, he may not...I would recommend focusing on yourself, so that if he does, you'll be prepared to make the decision for yourself whether you want to try again with him or not...

hello-kitty

I think you made the wise choice by signing. If nothing changes nothing changes. And you changed. That's excellent. This is the time for you to work on your recovery from being married to an active drug addict. This is not the time to wonder where he will be one year from now. Take the focus of him and put it on you. There's always a reason we end up in these situations.

NEAVON12

Hi Capt, thank you .. I know that I can't place conditions on his sobriety, I guess the conditions were, or boundaries, that if we are going to stay married, you must work, and no more lies, and no more pills...Which, he is clean right now, he actually just passed a federal drug test to be a merchant marine..I guess I am thinking..In the past, it has always been short lived...and I am just waiting to see if this time its real. I really think he was doing it for me, and now that the papers are signed, I will see if he sticks with it, or goes and finds another female to support him. Yes, we have a daughter who is almost 19. she loves us both dearly, but she is able to be more objective than I am most times.

NEAVON12

Freedom- he seems to have rededicated his life to God last week, but I have seen that before too. I am a Christian, & I know God can change anyone, but I also know that we have free will...As for me..I am focusing on my job and keeping it right now. And finding a rent house..I go to co-dep meetings once a week and have a sponsor and do counseling.

that Little Girl- I still couldn't let go of the "investigative", nagging, anxiety behaviors. I wanted to know if he was using...oh, yes, I should be a private detective!!!I couldn't detach while we shared the same space...and I would never get over the anxiety that his reckless behavior could have major financial implications to everything we've worked for for the last ten years. So, I'm taking steps to put space between us emotionally and financially. If years down the road he's wanting to work things out between us or I am...I'll be emotionally healthy enough to make a decision one way or another.Wow, that is ME
You are right, I do have to focus on me. I have focused on him so long, I need to make a conscious effort not to.

cinderellawkids

People remarry each other every day. In fact, its more common than most people think.

I actually have 2 seperate friends that went through ugly ugly seperations and divorce(Substances and behavior from were main reasons). They remained that way 5 and 8 years. Today both couples are remarried to each other, happy and have been that way for a couple of years.

It just doesnt happen over night and both thought they'd never ever be together again.

Focus on you, take care of you, dont worry about what he's doing. Chances are you'll know if he's doing well and staying that way

Freedom1990

That is wonderful you attend meetings and have a sponsor! My sponsor has been invaluable to me.

We do have free will, and my will is what almost killed me.

Time will definitely reveal more in your situation.

You're doing a terrific job of self-care. :ghug3

ZombieWife

You can't work the program FOR him and he can't keep relying on you to give him chance after chance.

If he gets straight/clean/sober and then comes back in a year, then go from there.

True story: a friend of mine was married to an alcoholic. Severe alcoholic: walking around dazed, peeing in the street, passing out on the front lawn alcoholic. He refused to get help. She left.

SEVEN years later, he found her again. He had been clean and sober for 5 years. They hit it off once more and have been together since. Not married, (they both agreed to wait on that if they do it at all-things are great for them now).

She had a few love interests in between, but none seemed to work out. The point is, she lived her life, she freed herself from that situation and things ended up coming back full circle in a positive way. Now, I'm not saying this will happen to everyone. Heavens no, but it does seem possible that people can find each other again under certain circumstances.

You also have to remember this. Let's say he goes out and gets sober for a year, not living with you, not married to you. He comes back after a year, you hook up again and he's faced with all these past triggers/thoughts/emotions and isn't secure enough in his sobriety to deal with them. There are MANY "what ifs" (good and bad, as mentioned in this post), but what matters now, above all else, is your own "sobriety" from the drama, from the grief, from the difficulty. Separate with love and focus on you and your life.

nocoincidence56

I can share experience from the other side of the matter. I was married for 13 years to a woman who truly loved me (some of you already know this story). As a result of my alcoholism and drug use we divorced in 2004. I was bent on self destruction-the last time I saw her, about 4 months later, I put a 6 inch chef's knife in myself-wanting to die. Fast forward to 2008- (I found sobriety Nov 27, 2006). I let go of everything! even thoughts of her. i focused on recovery, staying out of relationships, period, since they were another symptom of a deeper problem. After a year I had a relationship develop and, as a result, I sent my ex an email for closure, letting her know how much I was aware of the pain and harm i had caused her, and, for the immediate future, i could only help others like me and someday maybe begin to make some other amends. We were too far apart physically to do anything else. I moved on. The relationship failed. I didn't use. I kept focusing on recovery then, out of nowhere, I got an email from my ex Sept 26, 2008, and we are remarried-doing well, 4/21/2010 would have been our 20th anniversary. I work on recovery and urge her to go to alanon.... still trying!.. This could not have happened if I had not found surrender and began working on me. I can't say it will happen in your case. All I know is this; We were brought together by circumstances and conditions which convinced the two of us; there is more than this.

I wish you well and hope you focus on you. He will have to get real with himself and change through whatever program of recovery works for him. If not? He will have to find the true depth of his bottom.....

Peace

coffeedrinker

nocoincidence,

i love stories like yours. very cool. i can't help it; i have in the back of my mind that one day, the clouds will break, my man will come back to me stronger, smarter, more mature and beautiful than ever. we will have grown and we will realize how very much we've missed one another. it's sappy, but it's the truth.

but

i know know know, that i have to - as zombiewife said in her story - live MY life, for ME, keep living my very own life. and that's what i intend to do. not because one day he may become this one i have longer for, but in spite of it.

sorry your divorce just became final. mine did too, four years ago.

hopingicanhelp

well i think you need to stick to your guns. make him follow thru with everything you said, and even if he does "get better" which i don't believe any addict ever truly does...but you should start off slowly. go for lunch. go to a movie...act like you are dating. make him work for your love back. obviously what you were doing before wasn't working. i hope it works out for the best. but he isn't the only one who needs to work on their life, so do you 20 yrs with an addict, i'm sure you have your share of problems now too thanks to him. go talk to someone, go get a massage, a manicure, get some good rest, be with friends. Do things for YOU for a while, let him be.

Losingmylove103

I am new to this but so in love with my AH so I totally wish you the best and hope that he gets clean and stays clean.

outonalimb

Neavon...
I have a bit of a different perspective.

I divorced my exah 5 years ago.

I also hoped that someday he would recover and we could put our family back together again.

About 2 years ago, he seemed to be doing much better. I let him back into my life gradually even though there were red flags. My fantasy of having my family back together was so strong that I gradually began to let my boundaries down and before I knew it, I was dealing with the same addiction issues I fled from (and divorced) 5 years ago.

My exah moved out of my home today - for the last time- and I can honestly say he'll never come back. Although he was my best friend and the love of my life at the time I married him, his addiction and my codependency have changed us and there is no going back...not for us anyway.

I know it happens. I think nocoincidence's story is really cool because it shows there is ALWAYS hope. But I also think his situation is kind of rare. Yes, it can happen but sometimes the pain changes both of us so much that there is no recapturing the connection we once had. At least, thats been my experience.

If you've dealt with 20 years of addiction, give yourself a long time to heal and recover before even thinking about reconciliation. And if his recovery is REAL and a connection is possible, you'll know it. There won't be any doubt. Just don't do what I did...which is settle for partial recovery because you could find yourself right back in the same place you're running from now.

One day at a time...
And time will reveal everything you need to know.

Spiritual Seeker

thankfully, U R having your own turn-around.

Life has to be more than waiting.
Today Make the most of your life now w/o him.
Tomorrow will take care of itself, we don't need 2 worry about tomorrow today.