odaat

I'm not sure if I belong here.

My Mum is a recovering alcoholic. She got sober when I was 5, so I have no memory of her drinking.

I do remember asking her to buy me a bottle of vodka (I was about 13) and her refusing, saying she'd drink it if she bought it.

I remember being terrified that if I did something wrong, or if something bad happened, she'd drink.

I remember so much stress and worry as a kid. Although sober, she'd get angry if things weren't right - if the house was a mess. She'd 'flip' for no reason.

Sorry.

guiab

Oh yes, you belong here.

When the A in your life stops drinking, that is just a step toward sobriety. Recovery means that one has addressed the malfunctioning emotions and ego that go along with alcoholism. In the rooms of AA people who have stopped drinking but otherwise behave the same are 'dry drunks'. They still exhibit some or all of the manipulation, blame-shifting, shame, fear, resentment, and anxiety that accompanied them while they were drinking.
My father slowed down his drinking in his late 50's, but he still had the same bitter anger and remained as difficult as ever to talk to - I never went to him for advice (he would tense up, breath shallowly, and start interrogating me as to why I felt it necessary to have doubts).
It is never to late for someone to work on themselves through recovery programs, so there is hope for her. However, are you taking care of yourself?

wicked

I would say those 3 sentences qualify you right there!
Wow, do I remember some crazy "flips" by my father.
Very scary man, I still think of him as a scary guy and he has been dead for about 20 years.
Talking about it, sharing here and some recovery got me through a lot.
Please come back.
Beth

Ceres

(((Memories))))

Except mind didn't get sober and didn't live either. But, boy do I remember the outbursts. She could have gave a rats @ss about the house or how dirty we were 85% of the time. Then out of the blue she'd get into a frenzy about what slobs we were and then we were cleaning through the night!

Mine was a regular mommie-dearest.

Our house was well known. screaming and cops. One night she walked out and met the cops by the curb in her underwear!

Good times <puke>

I'm having a all around pissy, pissy day. I don't usually post in here, I have no idea why I replied to your thread!

BadCompany

My father had long dry periods. From time to time he would be off the page drunk and then he would dry out for a long while. Often he would be easygoing and pleasant when drunk. Very uncharacteristic. During the dry periods he would vary from surly to an absolute monster. Until end stage alcoholism, alcohol fixes what really ails the alcoholic. We alcoholics are restless, irritable and discontented unless we can get the ease and comfort alcohol provides.

cobra8

Good post. It's good to be reminded that the trauma of alcoholism almost never ends the day the alcoholic gets sober. This is true if for no other reason than because people who are addicts often have other, deeper problems as well.

My father got sober when I was about ten or eleven years old. I didn't even know at the time that he was in AA, but looking back I can remember a spike in his level of rage and volatility at about that time. He was always an angry, bitter person but he went off the deep end when he gave up booze, pot, and tobaccoo. For some people, the dry drunk phase that comes after sobriety is worse than the drinking years.

It wasn't until many years later, when I was already an adult, that he got into therapy, started seeing a psychiatrist, and really started to improve.

I've often felt like I am excluded somewhat from getting recognition as ACA because he quit when I was so young and I never experienced some of the crazy sh*t that goes on in active alcoholic homes. I know if you asked my dad, he wouldn't identitfy me as an ACA. He'd just say he quit when I was really little, it never effected me, end of story. That's all part of the family dynamic in an alcoholic home, though. Once the drunk gets sober, it's like they think they deserve a Nobel Peace Prize or something, and those of us left still picking up the pieces find that the drunk and the drunk's supporters have all moved on and feel it is a closed issue best left in the past.

DesertEyes

Hello cobra, and pleased to "meet" you

Not around here that won't happen. The official definition of an ACoA is somebody who's life was affected by a parent's drinking. That definition doesn't say anything about age, level of insanity, amount of drinking, etc. etc.

yup, that sounds quite common. 'course sometimes their disease takes them to such levels of arrogance they think they deserve the Nobel prize for no good reason. Like taking out the garbage _one_ day of the year.

uh-huh. That's why I decided to _leave_ those toxic people in their illusion of the past and go make a new life for myself. Best decision I ever made.

Mike

BadCompany

Lets be honest here, both parties have unrealsitic expectations when the drunk finally sobers up. Early sobriety is better than the last days of drinking but not much. The problem is that both parties bring such high expectations to the table that there is no way either of them can enjoy the slight improvement in their lives. Unless both parties get their expectations in line with reality there is large hurt ahead.

Wascally Wabbit

It seems that when my mom got sober, the only thing that changed was the absence of alcohol. She is still weird, strange, complains constantly and long list of other things. She's been sober over 30 years.

I was in my 20's when she quit. Once she quit, she pretended like NOTHING ever happened!
That's why there's alanon. To help me deal with that.

tromboneliness

That's not sober -- that's dry. Which is better than wet... but not much!

T

Livefree44

When my dad quit drinking the first time he was just dry not really 'sober'. He became quiet and distant. I went from fearing this man and his alcoholic rages to barely acknowledging him. Our relationship improved over the years mainly out of the guilt I heaped upon myself for thinking I was a bad son (now know this is a trait of an ACA). One of the things I realized over the years is how my mother affected my thinking and outlook on life. She was and still is a person easily offended and overly defensive. She routinely criticizes and gossips about others and tends to dwell on the negative. These are all things I can engage in if I am not 'working' the steps. So I see how alcoholism and co-alcoholism has affected me from childhood to now.