Special

My husband is addicted to narcotics and has been for the 18 of the 20 years we have been together he's stolen from me went to several treatment places had numerous affairs left for 6 months to try to get his head on right well he came back in feb of this year and within 2 weeks he was back using pawning my jewelry and stealing money Well he's leaving on saturday I bought him a one way ticket at first I felt bad like it wasn't fair to him but then I realized its not fair to me nor has it been for 18 years I'm looking forward to him leaving although I know I will hurt to be able to heal why do I feel so bad?

BayAreaPhoenix

Dear Special

Welcome to SR!

18 years is a long time, with only a few breaks. Sounds like you are doing the right thing for you. Now you can look forward to a new life, you can make it whatever you want it to be. Take some time for you and let yourself grieve, this is a loss, it's no wonder it feels bad, but it doesn't mean it isn't the right thing.

Change is hard. You have known this life with your AH for a very long time, and even tho you don't want it anymore, it's what you know. Now going forward it's all going to be new, and I wish for you a new and bright future.

Take the time to let yourself heal, take care of you!

Big hugs to you!!!

:ghug3

suki44883

Where is the ticket to? I think I'd make it to Zimbabwe or some other place far, far away.

Special

Yeah I keep counting down the hours of him leaving and I'm sure I'll feel more reassuring once sunday rolls around and I wake up and he's not there its for the best and it has to happen no turning back now. And I always ask my self wtf was I thinking and why didn't I do this years ago but then I say I love him and wanted him to change but he's not going to change and if he did change would he just become addicted to something else Thanks for listening

Ann

Welcome, Special. Something that may help you deal with all this is to try some meetings. Our meetings aren't about them or their substance, but instead they are about us and learning to live healthier lives and making better choices.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so why not give Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA a try? I think you'll be glad you did.

And please know that we're are here for you always, you can post or vent as often as you like.

Glad you joined us.

Hugs

outtolunch

Sounds like you have a handle on this. You might consider a getting some grief counselling to help you let go of the saddness and get on with your own life. You are worth it.

Special

Yes I go and see a counselor on Monday and Im really looking forward to her. This morning was not a good morning for my I keep crying everytime I think about him leaving. But I know it has to happen it will be for the best in the long run. He's now stating that he's going to quit but I know he's just saying that not to leave and he will still be using.

rayofsunshine

Hi Special. Welcome to SR. I was with my exAH 21 years before we separated. Like you, I loved him and believed him when he said he was going to quit. I stood by him through 3 rehabs, then prison. Finally, I found SR here one day while I was looking for help for him. It has been so much help for ME!

I finally realized "Nothing changes, if nothing changes." He was still doing the same things... telling me he wanted to change.. blah blah blah... long enough for me to get off his case. I finally realized "I" was the one that had to change things. We separated. There is a grieving process like mentioned above. It is a loss. I "lost" the person I thought I would be growing old with... my kids "lost" out on having a father who was there for them. Like you, I look back and wonder what I was thinking, why didn't I do this sooner? But we have to forgive ourselves. We did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. We had compassion for another human being and believed them... we had hope they would beat the disease.

Just know we are here for you... read alot of the posts.. they will give you strength you're not alone. You may grieve for awhile, but then the good days will start to out number the bad days. You'll start to have peace of mind not living with the chaos that active addiction brings.

(((HUGS))) I know how hard taking this step is. Just know you are doing whats best for YOU!

Special

I know and its hard to get through this but I know its for the best and my AH just called me saying he doesn't fault me and that he knows he'll never see me again he said he know he should have been clean when he came back home in Feb I told him whats done is done lets just move on and I cried its hard to focus at work without tearying up time to time but I know as days go one it will get better 20 years of your life is a lot to devote to someone and then one day its all over I tried but theres nothing else I can do.

hello-kitty

Welcome Special. It's not easy but it's worth it. I'm so glad you are going to talk to someone f2f to help you get through the pain. Keep reading and posting here. Sharing and venting are a good thing! You are not alone.

wicked

Special,
I believe you have already done the hard part.
Now, comes time for you. Just you.
You will be fine, as a matter of fact, you will be great!
I think meetings and counseling will do you wonders, just be willing, that is all it takes.
Please come back and tell us how you are doing.
Beth

Special

Yes i will continue to come back and give updates on my progess this helps me more than you can imagine I feel so much better once I post and get replies I'm feeling better every day I just always wanted a AH to be non addicted and be there for me and grow old together everyone needs someone

Carol Star

Glad you are here. Let go or be dragged. It is sad and it is hard but it wil pass. It has been 3 yrs. for me and I now do not have the sadness and drama, crazies or chaos anymore and its all good. I am alone, in a smaller house, and love it. My friends are all recovery friends. Life is positive. The past is dead. The moment is great. You are not alone.

Special

Well my AH leaves today back to Louisiana I can't stop crying because I know this is it for us I love him so much but he can't quit using I feel bad because I didn't tell him he was leaving until 3 days before today and I knew last week when I bought the ticket. He says if you would've told me to get clean then he would have I want to believe that but how many times have I heard that. I know its for the best but I will be alone and thats the hardest part but I'm sure I'll get past that and I know it will take sometime to heal. He said last night that he knows he won't see me again and thats going to be hard for him but he chose to do what he did so there is no turning back now I cry in the mornings but get stronger as the day goes on but since he leaves today its not a good day for me espically tonight when I take him to the airport I know Im going to just break down but I have to let him go its for the best.

Thanks

wicked

Special,

I know this is a difficult day for you. I will be thinking good thoughts for you.
You seem to be resolute yet sad, I understand this feeling too.
18 years out of 20 years, surely you have told him to get clean before?
Find some support for yourself, like AlAnon, or some private counseling.
It won't go away when he goes away, but he pain will eventually fade.
Beth
:ghug3

Special

Thanks wicked Im hoping this goes away soon I go to see a counselor on monday and get to see her 5 times for free and I know Im doing the right thing but why does it have to hurt me so bad like I should do it then I shouldn't do it but he's been to 5 or 6 treatments and still using I use to go with him to meetings to try to keep him on the right path but it doesn't work then when I tell him he has to leave he says he's going to get clean but he always says that and I've believed him for years and its gotten me here today. I'm just hurt so bad how he can do this to me he tells me that when he's with his family he doesn't use because he don't want them to see him like that I said what about me I think he use because he's around me is that not fair

coffeedrinker

you know, he is probably not telling the truth. try to take anything he does or says personally. he is a complete mess.

i wish i could say something that would ease your pain, but it's just damn painful - that's all there is to it.

these days will be hard, but they will not last. we humans can get through a lot, and you are strong - you have already shown it.

Special

Today is not a good day my AH left last night and I can't stop crying or thinking about him I just keep saying what if I would've just not sent him back would things get better, what if he gets clean and starts with someone else, I'm really hurting today everytime I think of him I cry this is very painful but I know it will get better I've been with him for 20 years and thats all I know He said if its meant to be it will if not it wont I want him back but not his addiction I thought it would be easier than this :rotfxko

rayofsunshine

20 years is a long time... you are grieving a loss. Be gentle with yourself. In addition to the loss of the relationship, the coulda shoulda beens, we have a lot of hurt and healing to do from the things we suffered living with active addiction. I share this because grieving is a process, and healing is a process. You're going to have a lot of feelings and emotions. Work through them as best you can, and know that in time things will get easier for you.

It took about 6 months for the depression to lift for me... i couldn't afford a therapist for me, but my son's therapist said that was about normal... around 6 months to grieve.. then your good days will start to outnumber the bad.

In the meantime try to do fun things with friends and family. Do special things for youself... manicure, pedicure, nice bubble baths, read a good book. Exercise and eat right. It will get better. The peace and serenity is so much better than the chaos of living with active addiction.

(((HUGS))) I know how hard this is. Just know you are doing the best thing. Giving him a chance to find recovery, on his own.

Special

Your name says it all and I need that today and for the next few months Im getting to see my therapist for 5 visits for free from my employer so I'm lucky to have that available to me and boy don't I need it. I know in the mornings I have sad times and sometimes at night I know it will get better it just has too he's been calling me yesterday and today saying how sorry he is and I told him Im sorry for it not working but not sorry about what I did I need time for myself to heal I know god has something else in mind for me I know need to file for Divorce as soon as I get some money I will be doing that