Satya

Exabf wants to start having unsupervised visits with the kids again. We talked about the possibility of him doing a drug test before the visitation. We have never done this before, so I have a lot of questions in my mind about it. Does anyone have experience with this? Any advice?

He does participate in a 12 step program. It seems that his pattern is to use every 2-6 weeks or so (I don't know this for sure, as I don't see him everyday.) It seems as though he stays away on his own, doesn't try to see the kids if he is using. His drug of choice is coke or crack (not sure which he prefers) mixed with alcohol, and in the past, he was a daily pot smoker (not sure how often he smokes pot these days.) He is partier, so he likes to go out on the town, bars, clubs, strip clubs, hotel rooms, socializing, etc. So I am not surprised that he doesn't seem to use on a daily basis. I have known him to do other party drugs if that is what his current "buddies" are doing. Any thoughts?

BBD

The person in my life that was involved with cocaine was my son so I'm not quite sure how I would feel about letting someone take children until I positively knew he was clean. If he is still living the lifestyle please be careful. Driving could be an issue with me and also decision making. Your the only one that knows how he is with the kids so be on top of it and good luck. Smiles, Bonnie

ThatLittleGirl

I have waaaayyyy more experience with drug testing than I ever want to have again. We (my AH and I) have used the at-home urine analysis tests...I don't know if that's what you're considering or not. The ones I purchased were FDA approved...and caught everything...at least I believe so. The only problem...every time they came up positive he would tell me it was a false positive due to his taking sudafed for allergies...etc...etc... He knew what would make each drug come up with a supposed "false positive" and was ready with an excuse each time. So I would second-guess at first...but then it became obvious...and asking him about it became a moot point. But I always knew when he was using...and now that we're separated and in the process of divorcing, I've told him...if he wants to take the girls ANYWHERE...every one of them MUST come up negative...no false positives...I don't care about his BS excuses...all negatives or 'no go' with the girls. I also bought adulteration strips because I caught him trying to manipulate his urine samples too...those test the chemical make-up of the urine to identify if it shows characteristics of manipulation (i.e. dilution, etc...). Anyway, as I said, it's not something I ever wanted to know...but now that I'm using it as a tool to protect my daughters instead of as a co-dependent tool to "detect" and "investigate" whether my addict husband is using or not...it's a much simpler, straight-forward process.

Good luck...if you have any questions, please email me...!

coffeedrinker

#1 - His attitude. If he is clean and sober, he will WILLINGLY take the test. This is probably your best barometer.


I wouldn't think that testing him when he arrives makes all that much sense, and here's why:
There are numerous ways to test negative, things to do like bring in someone else's urine (are ya gonna start patting him down?) and other stories to be heard on this. When he knows when the UA is supposed to be taken, he will have ample time to do whatever it is he can, to trick the test.

I am a semi-proponent of drug testing, and one of the reasons, is that if the addict really is clean, you bet I wanna know, and he/she wants to restore their good name, so they also wanna know that you know.

If you are going to move forward with the concept of a test, one possibility is to have him register for one of those places where he can then drop in whenever you guys decide on (like once a week), and see if it ever comes up dirty.

Here is the one in my area; perhaps they can refer you to a different location:

Minnesota Monitoring

Or, I might consider doing hair analysis. With a 5" section of hair, the lab analyzes it and gives a 90-day history. So if he is saying today that he's been clean for 4 weeks, for instance, the test would totally bust him if that's not true. Inside of 90 days. The accuracy is 99% I believe. I'd wanna know if my children were being picked up by a drug-using liar.

Best of luck to you.

p.s. is he doing AA, or some program?

ThatLittleGirl

I agree with everything coffeedrinker has said... The drug testing does become a slippery slope...It got to the point (I know, I know...major co-dependent behavior here) I would have to actually watch my husband pee in the cup...AND it was to be a sample towards the end of the process to ensure it was actually his (I don't know...I was so out of control about it at one point).

It's kind of eye-opening to see I was so out-of-control...putting all this out there is a bit cathartic for me... Anyway, if there is any way you can remove yourself from the testing process, I would recommend it...I like the idea of testing, but it can spiral out of control quickly...because there are so many ways to get around it if someone wants to.

sunnygirl68

I agree with both Coffee and TLG, I too used the drug testing and had both positive and negative experiences. He would also try and blame other non-prescirption drugs drugs for his positives OR (he admitted later) on the the chance tht he was dirty, he would use a urine cleaning drink to fool the test. Once he even tried to use my son's urine from the toilet bowl that had not been flushed!!
I think that if I was ever going to test anyone again, I would give them absoloutley NO warning what was coming, that way there is no way to trick it, and secondly, KNOW what you will do with the information ahead of time.

hello-kitty

I don't let my son hang out with active crack addicts. Supervised or unsupervised. You want to see your baby? get a lawyer like the other 99% of single fathers these days. Actions speak louder than words.

There needs to be a responsible adult in every childs life. Since my son's father is irresponsible that duty falls 100% in my lap - like it or lump it. Therefore I will stand up for my baby and make sure that he is surrounded by loving, trustworthy, responsible adults only. His daddy doesn't fall into that category.

Anvil is 1000% right and i take the responsibilities of motherhood very seriously. Even if it means I have to make uncomfortable choices and enforce difficulty boundaries.

Freedom1990

Begging your pardon, but just sitting your can in a chair at 12 step meetings while continuing to use (regardless of the frequency of use) does not qualify as participation in my books.

It qualifies as sitting your can in a chair at meetings, period.

Participation is taking an active part in your ongoing recovery. Participation is doing whatever it takes to stay clean/sober. Participation is working those steps with a sponsor, getting involved in service work even if it's just cleaning ashtrays or making coffee, and reaching out to the newcomer.

I agree 100% that I wouldn't allow visitation, period, with an active addict.

hello-kitty

I used to be a crackhead. We used to sit around in the basement of this one dudes house and smoke crack - while his 6 year old daughter was upstairs in her bedroom. All he wanted to do was come back downstairs and use. We used to lock the door to make sure he stayed upstairs while his daughter was there. he couldn't be a good father because all he thought about was crack.

He was a pretty freaky crack addict - the kind that thought the police had his house bugged. I remember one time he washed his daughters toothbrush with lysol. the next time she was over, she went to brush her teeth and she told him "daddy my toothbrush tastes weird."

Oh. And he regularly attended AA meetings all the while this was going on. Every Sunday. Like clockwork. For years.

Sometimes, not always, but sometimes AA just helps you justify your crack use. It only works if you work the program. And you'll know when someone is working the program, because they won't be using drugs anymore.

Satya

This is such a challenging issue. He is good with the kids, when he is sober. They love him. Yet he has put my son at risk in the past.

About two years ago, there was a stint where he was into crack pretty heavily, using almost everyday. With my son in the car he went up the street, got some crack, used in front of him, and then watched a pornographic movie that my son ended seeing parts of. At the time I didn't realize how heavy into crack he was. I had a gut feeling that I shouldn't let my son go with him. Yet he used some manipulating tactics, and because I couldn't give him a reason why he couldn't take my son, I gave in. I have since learned to trust my instincts no matter what.

He often threatens to take me to court or to stop giving me child support whenever he thinks I am not giving him enough time with the kids. So far they have been empty threats. I know I can't protect my children from the reality of their dad's life. Yet, I do want to protect them from incidences like the above mentioned one. I fear the possibility that the courts would give him more time with less restrictions. Ex plays the role of good guy so well. He hides his addiction with charm, good looks, and a friendly, seemingly honest demeanor.

hello-kitty

That says it all to me. How would you ever forgive yourself if something happened to your boy. You are putting your son at risk if you allow someone who has put your son at risk in the past to be responsible for him in the present - knowing that he is still actively choosing to use drugs. It's all on you. He's a drug addict. Should he feel the desire to use, he's incapable of controlling himself.

BBD

Hi Satya, I bet you anything the courts can see right through people like your kids dad. If you told them stories like you just told us they would surely take that into consideration and he would be looking at not having the kids for a while. Don't let him bully you at all. It's better to protect your children now than to be feeling badly if anything happened to them. Sending some positive thoughts your way hon...Smiles, Bonnie