Does withdrawal include isolating yourself?
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Does withdrawal include isolating yourself?
Hi all,
I have been with my ABF for just over 3 mths, discovered he had a serious binge drinking problem around 1 month ago.
I have posted on here previously regarding the issue.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-i-leave.html
So far he has been doing relatively well and not drinking much. He said he had a couple of beers the other day but that was the first in 3 weeks, and he says he hasn’t even felt like drinking.
Since trying to be abstinent he has no interest in going out with other people, he doesn’t like to see my friends when he is invited to a party, he stays at home a lot, and just works. His stress levels have gone up and at times he feels insecure.
He is waiting to get treatment for his alcoholism but his appointments keep getting pushed back.
I am proud of him that he is trying to get help, but I am very concerned at his ‘hermit’ type behaviour. I am a very social person and feel guilty when I go out with my friends without him, yet I feel that I can’t always be at his beck and call when he feels low and unsociable.
I’m trying to be there for him but finding it increasingly difficult.
I have been with my ABF for just over 3 mths, discovered he had a serious binge drinking problem around 1 month ago.
I have posted on here previously regarding the issue.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-i-leave.html
So far he has been doing relatively well and not drinking much. He said he had a couple of beers the other day but that was the first in 3 weeks, and he says he hasn’t even felt like drinking.
Since trying to be abstinent he has no interest in going out with other people, he doesn’t like to see my friends when he is invited to a party, he stays at home a lot, and just works. His stress levels have gone up and at times he feels insecure.
He is waiting to get treatment for his alcoholism but his appointments keep getting pushed back.
I am proud of him that he is trying to get help, but I am very concerned at his ‘hermit’ type behaviour. I am a very social person and feel guilty when I go out with my friends without him, yet I feel that I can’t always be at his beck and call when he feels low and unsociable.
I’m trying to be there for him but finding it increasingly difficult.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
try and push past that guilt. it is not productive. the more you can be yourself, the better for BOTH of you.
being "there for him" doesn't include you sacrificing yourself. it doesn't accomplish anything except build resentment.
many alcoholics are loners. they have a sickness that is about more than just the compulsive drinking -- something drove them to the drinking in the first place, imo.
something we say here at sr:
:codiepolice
being "there for him" doesn't include you sacrificing yourself. it doesn't accomplish anything except build resentment.
many alcoholics are loners. they have a sickness that is about more than just the compulsive drinking -- something drove them to the drinking in the first place, imo.
something we say here at sr:
:codiepolice
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
the more you can be yourself, the better for BOTH of you.
Thanks for this, coffeedrinker.
I think its time to go.
Good for you.
I left one year and a half ago.
Mourning an active alcoholic in denial has been tough. But there have been many presents along the way. Often I miss our good times. Often I miss the friend I had in him. But it doesn't take much time to remember his reality. Today I am not that happy with my life but I feel stronger and more in tune with my own heart, that is priceless.
Hugs!
Thanks for this, coffeedrinker.
I think its time to go.
Good for you.
I left one year and a half ago.
Mourning an active alcoholic in denial has been tough. But there have been many presents along the way. Often I miss our good times. Often I miss the friend I had in him. But it doesn't take much time to remember his reality. Today I am not that happy with my life but I feel stronger and more in tune with my own heart, that is priceless.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
My experience with an alcoholic who was "dry" but not in recovery for the last part of our relationship was absolutely miserable. He didn't, ever, want to go anywhere with my friends and it's only months later that I realized he couldn't be out in the world, at all, unless he was drunk. I read literally years of posts on here from some of the regulars and it was a major wakeup call about there being no guarantees even if your A stops drinking. Sometimes the behavior gets worse, sometimes the A decides they need to be alone to work on recovery, sometimes they relapse and the disease keeps marching on.
My AXBF was glued to me for the early months of our relationship - it was romantic, and overwhelming and I asked for space several times. My best guess is that he really did want to stop at that point (he was dry in the beginning) and was holding onto me like a sober good luck totem. But you can't "be" someone else's blanky in recovery. It will suck the air out of any relationship in no time. You cannot always be there for him when/as/how he needs, it's not fair. When I really started making space for myself and getting back into my life again (after the honeymoon period, on my part) that's when the poop hit the fan and he started bingeing, raging, sulking, manipulating, withholding and dangling the prospect of other women in front of me. But I really couldn't have stayed in that bubble with him. It's not a healthy space.
SL.
My AXBF was glued to me for the early months of our relationship - it was romantic, and overwhelming and I asked for space several times. My best guess is that he really did want to stop at that point (he was dry in the beginning) and was holding onto me like a sober good luck totem. But you can't "be" someone else's blanky in recovery. It will suck the air out of any relationship in no time. You cannot always be there for him when/as/how he needs, it's not fair. When I really started making space for myself and getting back into my life again (after the honeymoon period, on my part) that's when the poop hit the fan and he started bingeing, raging, sulking, manipulating, withholding and dangling the prospect of other women in front of me. But I really couldn't have stayed in that bubble with him. It's not a healthy space.
SL.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Wow! some great posts above but Anvil you said it all! in really fabulous way thank you :0) this says it all........
""in 3 months we should still be learning if they like brussell sprouts, or if they ever saw the Grateful Dead live, NOT putting our life on hold while THEY detox from alcoholism!!!! ""
Phiz :0)
""in 3 months we should still be learning if they like brussell sprouts, or if they ever saw the Grateful Dead live, NOT putting our life on hold while THEY detox from alcoholism!!!! ""
Phiz :0)
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Yes Anvil great post, my thoughts exactly.
I have decided to break up with him.
Do you think its wise to perhaps stay casual friends or just break off all contact totally?
I am still concerned about his wellbeing.
I have decided to break up with him.
Do you think its wise to perhaps stay casual friends or just break off all contact totally?
I am still concerned about his wellbeing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Yes I think you are right.
He is head over heels in love with me and by remaining friends it will be alot harder to move on for both of us.
I also think he needs to focus on himself and his therapy in dealing with his alcholism that hes had for 15 years and only realised just how bad it was 1 month ago.
Gosh this decision is sooo hard to make, I feel so torn and drained,
and its only 3 months in. I better wake up and smell the coffee because life is too short.
He is head over heels in love with me and by remaining friends it will be alot harder to move on for both of us.
I also think he needs to focus on himself and his therapy in dealing with his alcholism that hes had for 15 years and only realised just how bad it was 1 month ago.
Gosh this decision is sooo hard to make, I feel so torn and drained,
and its only 3 months in. I better wake up and smell the coffee because life is too short.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Try 4-1/2 years!
I, personally, from just my own experience, can tell you that it took me over a whole year to discover the problem-drinker I had found myself with, so I'd say RUN! and be glad you found out early!
My AXBF quit drinking 8 months ago, and I just found out 2 months ago that crack was always in his life, whenever I was not around, but when the drinking stopped, the crack addiction "won" over me. There was NO TIME for me, or I would find out about that, too!
He is brand new to recovery over the crack, and I'm BACK! Of course I am - he "can not do this without me"! After investing 4 1/2 years of MY life, waiting for this day, his worst behaivors have not changed, the honeymoon is over, for sure, here.
NOW I have to wrestle with HOW to get out and STAY out.
(You can read my thread at "Help me Welcome Secret Life" for all the details, if you'd like, ok?)
Good luck to you, whatever decision you make, and keep posting.
You will find alot of support here.
Anvil, best thing I've read from you yet, and you were my first hope for myself on here, so that's impressive!
My AXBF quit drinking 8 months ago, and I just found out 2 months ago that crack was always in his life, whenever I was not around, but when the drinking stopped, the crack addiction "won" over me. There was NO TIME for me, or I would find out about that, too!
He is brand new to recovery over the crack, and I'm BACK! Of course I am - he "can not do this without me"! After investing 4 1/2 years of MY life, waiting for this day, his worst behaivors have not changed, the honeymoon is over, for sure, here.
NOW I have to wrestle with HOW to get out and STAY out.
(You can read my thread at "Help me Welcome Secret Life" for all the details, if you'd like, ok?)
Good luck to you, whatever decision you make, and keep posting.
You will find alot of support here.
Anvil, best thing I've read from you yet, and you were my first hope for myself on here, so that's impressive!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
I felt inspired to write a poem about my situation:
How do you undo what’s been done
The hours spent talking, hugging, two feeling like one
Then the anxiety and anguish comes through
You don’t feel right; you don’t know what to do
It seemed so perfect, you were the one
Now it's all come undone
I’m trying not to blame myself
For choosing badly, for the waste
I wanted to believe it would be ok
Unfortunately you need to deal with the demons in your own way
I cannot hold your hand all the time
You are an adult must walk that line
I feel so torn, so hurt, so unreal
I want to be by you, dream with you and have you near
However, I cannot deal with the ups and downs
With your moods and stress and deep deep frowns
I’ve had such a windy journey
With people in the past
I really thought that you were different
I thought this would last
I have to be strong within
And not blame myself for mistakes made
I recognised the signs were there
I need to be alone to concentrate on my own welfare
Thankyou for all the good you brought
Its brings a tear to think of all the good times we spent
I will miss you everyday
But its time to go, its time to walk away.
How do you undo what’s been done
The hours spent talking, hugging, two feeling like one
Then the anxiety and anguish comes through
You don’t feel right; you don’t know what to do
It seemed so perfect, you were the one
Now it's all come undone
I’m trying not to blame myself
For choosing badly, for the waste
I wanted to believe it would be ok
Unfortunately you need to deal with the demons in your own way
I cannot hold your hand all the time
You are an adult must walk that line
I feel so torn, so hurt, so unreal
I want to be by you, dream with you and have you near
However, I cannot deal with the ups and downs
With your moods and stress and deep deep frowns
I’ve had such a windy journey
With people in the past
I really thought that you were different
I thought this would last
I have to be strong within
And not blame myself for mistakes made
I recognised the signs were there
I need to be alone to concentrate on my own welfare
Thankyou for all the good you brought
Its brings a tear to think of all the good times we spent
I will miss you everyday
But its time to go, its time to walk away.
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
I love the poem, good luck with life.. walk away now.. if you don't, it becomes like a vortex and sucks you in.. deep to the core.. leaving you feeling as if YOU are the problem..
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Love It
I, too, love your poem. Sounds like you don't need/want the chaos, maybe already deeply hurt by others for this reason, or a different reason, doesn't really matter.
You know enough about life that taking care of YOU comes first. You can not love and care for anyone else when you are clouded by issues far beyond your control. Yet, alcoholism WILL, without a doubt, TAKE control of both you and his lives if you stay now.
After he has had a full year to deal with his own issues, they say, he'll be ready to commit to someone... but right now, he's just not able. And it's not anyones fault. Life is just hard sometimes. He needs to do this for HIMSELF, not to "keep you", or it will turn into relapse after relapse, bringing his life down, and down, spiraling out of control.
You can even tell him, it's BECAUSE you care that you are letting him work this out, without complicating it for him by being in a relationship! He'll be better off for doing this for HIMSELF, and making his soberiety an entire lifestyle change!
Many good things wished your way, (and HIS, too!)
Good luck, Sweetie!
You know enough about life that taking care of YOU comes first. You can not love and care for anyone else when you are clouded by issues far beyond your control. Yet, alcoholism WILL, without a doubt, TAKE control of both you and his lives if you stay now.
After he has had a full year to deal with his own issues, they say, he'll be ready to commit to someone... but right now, he's just not able. And it's not anyones fault. Life is just hard sometimes. He needs to do this for HIMSELF, not to "keep you", or it will turn into relapse after relapse, bringing his life down, and down, spiraling out of control.
You can even tell him, it's BECAUSE you care that you are letting him work this out, without complicating it for him by being in a relationship! He'll be better off for doing this for HIMSELF, and making his soberiety an entire lifestyle change!
Many good things wished your way, (and HIS, too!)
Good luck, Sweetie!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Thankyou both for your kind words.
Reading your comments make me even stronger to make this decision.
Its just so hard to watch someone you truly care about suffer.
In the short term it’s harder to leave, but easier to heal
(Harder due to the thoughts in your head telling you to stay)
In the long term its easier to leave, but harder to heal
(Easier due to putting up with enough!)
Reading your comments make me even stronger to make this decision.
Its just so hard to watch someone you truly care about suffer.
In the short term it’s harder to leave, but easier to heal
(Harder due to the thoughts in your head telling you to stay)
In the long term its easier to leave, but harder to heal
(Easier due to putting up with enough!)
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: NE
Posts: 69
I am an alchoholic, and to get sober needed to be with other alchoholics constantly. I still have troubles dealing with non alchoholics somewhat. It has gotten a lot better. My first thing to say would be he needs to be completely sober, not just a few because he will hit a bad bottom soon.
The next thing would be if he is able to stay sober for 3 or 4 months and you are seeing a noticable good difference in his life, give him a chance to make amends to you and see if his thoughts make some sense.
For now do what you need to do, with some thoughtfullness to his recovery if he completely quits. And by that I mean just say hi, and good day. But do go out with your friends as it's good for both of you. But if you do this after you notice a peace about him you will be losing out big time. He will move on with a peace, and sober also.
The next thing would be if he is able to stay sober for 3 or 4 months and you are seeing a noticable good difference in his life, give him a chance to make amends to you and see if his thoughts make some sense.
For now do what you need to do, with some thoughtfullness to his recovery if he completely quits. And by that I mean just say hi, and good day. But do go out with your friends as it's good for both of you. But if you do this after you notice a peace about him you will be losing out big time. He will move on with a peace, and sober also.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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Originally Posted by Catkill23 
But do go out with your friends as it's good for both of you. But if you do this after you notice a peace about him you will be losing out big time. He will move on with a peace, and sober also.
I dont understand what you mean by this bit?
Can you elaborate please?
Thanks.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: NE
Posts: 69
Peace
If he gets sober and you can see the gleam in his eye, attitudes and personality, you should try to talk to him. The reason for this is to get his outlook on life. If you don't you could be missing out on something special. I'm not saying he will do this, but I know alot of alchoholics that I respect more then the general population. There is a wisdom that the MTV real world, american idol, real housewives of LA, facebook, myspace, twitter will never realize.
And he probably won't want much of the general public once he wises up that there is more to life than gossip, clothes, and GOING OUT. Most alchoholics that are hermits, didn't go out because they realize this, but coudln't stop drinking, and couldn't find a way to cope with the general public without alchohol. Once the alchohol is gone, and the mind is sound enough to cope and help people instead of criticize and destroy, others will totally respect it.
And he probably won't want much of the general public once he wises up that there is more to life than gossip, clothes, and GOING OUT. Most alchoholics that are hermits, didn't go out because they realize this, but coudln't stop drinking, and couldn't find a way to cope with the general public without alchohol. Once the alchohol is gone, and the mind is sound enough to cope and help people instead of criticize and destroy, others will totally respect it.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
I guess thats my biggest arguement with myself for NOT leaving. What if he gets better and becomes the man I know he can be? I realise that his whole life is going to change as a consequence of not drinking and not being able to socialise without alcohol. In so many ways he is such a good man, with sound qualities as a partner.
I guess my biggest issue is dealing with a man that has an addiction. My EXHB had an addiction of a different type which drained me to my very core and turned my world upsidedown. Since realising my current BF has an addiction, my reactions are very strong when he replases. I think this is my intuition telling me to stop and reaccess the situation due to my past.
However I do feel that he needs to help himself first before pursuing a relationship. I dont want to give him hope that there may be a future for us, but in my heart it has been so very difficult to let go.
I guess my biggest issue is dealing with a man that has an addiction. My EXHB had an addiction of a different type which drained me to my very core and turned my world upsidedown. Since realising my current BF has an addiction, my reactions are very strong when he replases. I think this is my intuition telling me to stop and reaccess the situation due to my past.
However I do feel that he needs to help himself first before pursuing a relationship. I dont want to give him hope that there may be a future for us, but in my heart it has been so very difficult to let go.
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Jess01, someone wise.. from this board answered the same question.. for me.. (What if he gets better and becomes the man I know he can be?) It was along the lines of.. WHAT IF HE DON'T and you are so wrapped up in it you lose what little bit of yourself you have left to cope with daily living without beating yourself up. (I of course added a lot to it.. lol, but.. that was over a year ago it was posted).
If we live our lives on the WHAT IF'S.. and don't live our life on.. what IS.. then we CHOOSE to stay in a perpetual cycle.. of addiction..
IF he gets better... and you are THE ONE.. he will be back.. and hopefully by then you will have learnt for yourself what you can, and can not tolerate. In the mean time be gentle with yourself.. treat yourself as if you were a most treasured child.. (like you are)
I have heard this quote in my head for a while now.. (Dont know where it came from).. If you don't (take a) stand for SOMETHING you will fall for ANYTHING..
If we live our lives on the WHAT IF'S.. and don't live our life on.. what IS.. then we CHOOSE to stay in a perpetual cycle.. of addiction..
IF he gets better... and you are THE ONE.. he will be back.. and hopefully by then you will have learnt for yourself what you can, and can not tolerate. In the mean time be gentle with yourself.. treat yourself as if you were a most treasured child.. (like you are)
I have heard this quote in my head for a while now.. (Dont know where it came from).. If you don't (take a) stand for SOMETHING you will fall for ANYTHING..
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