starcrossed

Hello! I stumbled upon this forum tonight as I was looking for information on alcoholism and felt the need to post something. I am in need of support/advice concerning my boyfriend's recent relapse. I am sorry if this is a bit long... I just need a place to share my story.

I love my boyfriend very much. We have been dating for 1 1/2 years, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him; however, I do not feel good about some of the issues/feelings that I have been having since his recent relapse last March.

When we started dating, he told me that he was an alcoholic. I come from a very small, strictly religious town halfway across the country. I didn't know anything about alcoholism or what it meant to be an alcoholic. Alcohol itself was a complete mystery to me. I was positive and supportive in what I did know, that it was an addiction; however, I have severely underestimated it.

He has struggled with trying to quit cigarettes for as long as I have known him, even being very deceitful about it at times. Sometimes I have worried that he will never quit, even though I would never tell him this. I want him to quit so badly (terrified of the health risks), but I am also learning that the alcoholism is a much bigger threat.

So as I was saying, he had been sober for over three years... until he took these muscle relaxers last March. He got them from an acquaintance at work and took them while I was at an appointment. He claims that he cannot remember anything after walking back to the apartment, which I can't seem to understand... that he doesn't even remember drinking or buying any sort of alcohol!

But when I came home from my appointment a couple hours later, he was passed out on the couch. I tried to wake him up, but alarms were going off inside my head. I immediately just knew that something was very wrong... and when I confronted him with these feelings, he became VERY angry and aggressive. His speech was terribly slurred. He wasn't making sense. I was shocked, completely floored. I didn't know what to do or what to say, so I grabbed my purse and told him that I was going to leave until he snapped out of whatever was going on... That is when he became very violent, shoving me down... calling me strange names... and terribly offensive ones. He was saying very hurtful things, some things that didn't even make sense... like accusing me of sleeping around or talking about things that have never happened.

I remember swinging me purse at him when he came towards me and took the keys... and things got too violent too fast. The neighbors ended up getting involved and calling the police, and my neighbor's boyfriend got into a terrible brawl with MY boyfriend!

The police arrested him. Even then he was not making sense. The police said that they could smell liquor on him, as did my neighbors before they had arrived. I was hurt and terrified. I do not want to go into the details of that violent night, but it was unlike anything I have ever seen. It destroyed a part of me.

The next day I found out that the state of Texas was pressing charges. They wanted to charge him with a felony (impeding breathing) because they had "probable cause". I called a few DA's when the police report did not match what happened. Some details used against him were incorrect to say the least. I told the D.A. I wanted it brought down to a misdemeanor under the condition that he receives treatment of some sort... and so it was.

So now he has been charged with a misdemeanor (assault on a family member). Deferred jurisdiction with 100 hours community service, multiple classes, counseling, and probation for one year (he meets with his PO twice a month to start).... I feel that this will be a good experience for him if he allows it to be a good experience... helpful in his recovery.

Not once has he blamed me for the way that I feel after all of this... He has taken responsibility for what he has done and seemed genuinely remorseful. He has taken many steps to give me the space and support that I need, but I still feel left in pieces.

I just can't seem to get over that night! The shock, the deceit, the trust destroyed... I had never known him to be violent. It was all such a terrible surprise that cut me so deeply. I love him and want to be with him, but I can't seem to let go of this pain... I feel guilt for being so naive, wishing I would have never come home that night... part of me wonders if things had gone differently if I had known what I was dealing with. Maybe if I knew going into the apartment what was going on, I could have said or done something different.

Sometimes, at work (we are both food servers) I see him carry drinks. Something is triggered then inside of me, and there are moments where I forget where I am. I panic a little. My chest becomes tight and my heart races, and for a moment, I am honestly terrified that he is going to come at me in a drunken rage (even though it makes no sense that he would at the time). I can't get the memories of what he did and said out of my head. They pop up every now and then, taking me by surprise for just a moment.

Sometimes when I am away from him, my heart is racing and I am panicking... wondering when his next relapse is going to be. What if he doesn't for a long time? What if he relapses in ten years, and there are children involved???

I do not mean to sound over dramatic, but I am trying to do what others have told me to do... to stay positive, to be supportive, to love him... and I hate to sound whiny but... what about me? What about my recovery? It seems like lately I have been so caught up in helping him get back on his feet and start his probation that I have forgotten about my own issues, as has everyone else.

I feel guilty for being saying such things and for feeling such things, but I also feel like I need to get them out anyway... I am so angry at alcoholism for robbing me of this relationship... I am upset over his anger issues and the **** I feel like I have had to constantly put up with. I am angry at whatever and whoever has hardened him time and time again, and for the effect that has had on me as well.

The lies and deceit HURT me. The mood swings and criticism and negativity hurt me. The complaining, the agitation... I feel dried up. Like I have tried as hard as I can to be supportive and happy... and be there with him through his day-to-day battles... but I have also lost myself in them. Sometimes I feel so neglected and alone... taking a backseat to his addictions.

And I want this relationship to work... I honestly do. I know some of the things I have said are... well, harsh... but I honestly love this man and have seen such a change in him over the course of the relationship. I just need some support, some consistency...

I have a lot of issues myself, especially concerning my family and adjusting to Texas. The stress is killing me... Sometimes I just want to say WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE? Can't I have a good day TODAY???

But I want you all to know that he is my best friend. I know that this post does reflect well on him, but I am hoping you will understand that he is truly a good person. We have been through so much together, and he has often been there for me in times of great need.

I suppose I just need someone outside of the situation to talk to. I need advice... I know some of you may say "get out of the relationship" but as things stand, I honestly cannot walk away from this. I want to do what I can to make things work. I cannot give up on this relationship until I have tried everything I can to make things better. I DO KNOW that he feels the same way... and he IS taking steps to get better.

Any advice?

suki44883

You're right...my advice is to get as far away from him as possible. Anyone who would physically abuse you is not safe. If he did it once, chances are better than good he will do it again. There is NO EXCUSE for abuse.

Freedom1990

My EXAH was abusive in every sense of the word, and I self-talked just as you described above. I convinced myself every time, after the verbal lashings and the physical beatings that somehow, I was at fault. If I had only done something different, it would not have happened.

I excused his behavior for years.

By the time I left, I was a shell of my former self.

Also, as a recovering alcoholic/addict myself, I can assure you that relapse takes place long before the drug or drink is actually picked up.

I spent about 3 months setting myself up before I actually drugged/drank again after 4 years in recovery.

The fact that he took someone else's prescription pills speaks volumes to me.

I have no idea what sort of 'recovery' program your BF has in place, but if I don't stand for something, I will fall for anything.

I highly recommend getting your hands on a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is another good one.

Look into Alanon meetings in your area.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends who understand.

stella27

His actions, his behaviors, his drinking, his patterns...they do hurt you.
You have the power to walk away from that hurt, because those characteristics won't just go away.

I am sure that the DA's office offers counseling for family violence victims. Call them and see how you can get some support. You have to take care of yourself first, honey.

mishaco1

StarCrossed - I am new to SR as well and I have been dealing with my AXBF for longer than I like to admit. He always said he would change, he always made steps towards his recovery and he only got physical twice with me - one year apart - and so I made every excuse. He doesn't do it all the time, only when he is drunk, blah, blah, blah. And now, 3.5 years late, I am living a hell I would not wish upon anybody. He made me believe he was not drinking, he was good at it. Countless things I would have to replace in my home because he went on a binge (he was not always physical with me, but he did like to break my things), the money I am out trying to help him pay for recovery or save his job and the self esteem I am out because I did nothing but try to fix him for so long and try to make him feel better and try to love him to get the drinking to stop... I neglected myself so bad and still am and not only that, but I am living in a constant state of fear, worry, sadness and anger.

Please read my posts - you might see a lot of yourself in those. I respect any decision you make, but I pray you do not end up where I am now.

Good luck to you and keep posting. Like Freedom said, go to an Al-Anon meeting if you can. I just started and it is where I need to be. You might find the support you need there as well as here!

Bernadette

Hi mishaco1!

And now, 3.5 years late, I am living a hell I would not wish upon anybody.

The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.

Glad to hear you are going to AlAnon - it sure turned my head around and got me on the right track: the "what do I want MY life to look like?" track!

peace-
b

Bernadette

Hi starcrossed--
I sure hope you take everyone's wisdom here to heart and do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe & find some space for self-reflection! Is this how you want your life to be??

Sometimes when I am away from him, my heart is racing and I am panicking... wondering when his next relapse is going to be.

This sounds like classic codie thinking to me! And an example of how living with an active alcoholic can make US very, very sick.
:codiepolice

AlAnon really helped me get the focus back on me and let go of the things in this world that I have NO control over whatsoever - which includes, especially, the alcoholics in my life.

What if he relapses in ten years,
I don't know! What if he relapses in 6 months and then is sober for 5 years and then relapses for 6 years and then is sober for 10 years..or....or....what if he slips on a banana peel??? Phew! It's tooo exhausting to try to manage the future. I am just not that powerful, so I spend that ball of energy focusing on accepting what is happening now, right here in front of me, and if I want things to change then what can I change?

and there are children involved???

Well I grew up with an alcoholic father and a codie mom and it messed with my head royally. I have 3 A brothers in varying stages of the disease, and my sister is depressed and continually disappointed in life, in spite of all her achievements. You could pop over to the ACOA forum on here and read about the kind of damage alcoholic/codependent parents do to their kids.

Glad you're here! Stick around....if you keep seeking and accepting help you can uncross those stars!! Your life is your own....spend its precious moments exactly as you wish.

peace-
b

jabber

What if he relapses in 6 months and then is sober for 5 years and then relapses for 6 years and then is sober for 10 years..or....or....what if he slips on a banana peel??? Phew! It's tooo exhausting to try to manage the future. I am just not that powerful, so I spend that ball of energy focusing on accepting what is happening now, right here in front of me, and if I want things to change then what can I change?

Thanks for that. I need to remind myself all the time to stay in the moment (and not just regarding my B/F and when he might relapse).

coffeedrinker

Starcrossed Welcome to S/R. This is a great site with support from real people who have really lived what you are experiencing.

Of course you have been through a lot. This is what bonds us to another. But, perspective: you have spent 1.5 short years - 18 months - of your long and precious life with this man who now frightens you.

I think you articulated very well the confusion, the disillusionment, the pain, the ignorance, and also the codependent nature of loving an addict. I'll bet most of us here can absolutely relate to what you said.

When my addict knew he needed to get out of dodge, after falling BIGTIME for several months, he called me. I hesitated, but caved when he said something manipulative. It worked and I drove the two hours to collect him, and soon as I arrived knew something was terribly wrong. A gentle man who had never touched me in anger or frustration, he was like a wild man. In the car he yelled louder than I have ever heard him, screamed, called me a b----- and at one point, grabbed my hair. No one had ever done that to me, not even close, and I was beside myself with hurt and fear. He got clean and sober shortly after that, and was once again his kind and laid back self, but I'll tell you, when I replay that tape, it's horrible. I'll tell you, it will lessen, but it's like a trauma and it also will stay with you for a long time. It's inside of you, and has tainted your relationship - probably forever.

I don't know who you're hanging out with that tell you to love and support him, but realize there are many ways in which to show that love. Stick with some of the people here, like the wise Freedom, who I think is right on the money when she says that pill popping episode is very telling. I mean, why on earth would a reasonable person throw a few of someone else's pills down his throat? I know I never would. Now throw in that he is (supposed to be) a recovering addict and he should have known to not do that. Ya know?

Please keep coming back here. Post as often as you like. We're here.

Babyblue

You say he is your best friend but what would your thinking be if a female best friend lashed out at you violently like this? Chances are you would steer clear of her for a long time until she got the help she needed. This is no different. There is NO excuse for the violence. Sounds like you don't know much about his history either so that may be worth looking into. You seem insightful and in touch with your feelings but some of your logic is flawed because you really love him.