Packing today...words of support please.

Old 04-19-2010, 06:09 AM
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Packing today...words of support please.

Well, STBEX knew that I'd be moving the end of the month but has chosen to conveniently forget it at his liesure. After a weekend of his mood escalating...Friday he bolted the garage doors shut on DD and I so we couldn't get in, threatening to leave her alone yesterday until I got home from my errands and then last night texting me to bring my entire family and get my stuff out...I'm doing it.

I'm scared to death to start packing. I obviously have to do it...but he says that he'll be here the entire time making sure I don't take anything of his. Additionally he says that I shouldn't get a thing but the clothes on my back because he bought everything. OK...I told him I'd add up what i've paid in health insurance, food, utilities and clothes for his daughter that he's NEVER really contributed to and maybe I could take a set of the dishes.

Anyway...has anyone experienced this where your STBEX has monitored your packing? I'm pretty sure this morning will go OK because he'll be sober but this afternoon will be a different story. I plan on getting the boxes somewhere other than the house so he doesn't trash them. I'm also fully prepared to stay in a hotel until I can close on my townhouse. Just frustrated that he has no regard for his DD in all of this.

NoDay...seriously, I feel like I'm following directly in your footsteps!

Thanks for your support everyone. Even though I know I'm not alone...I feel like it more than ever.
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Old 04-19-2010, 06:38 AM
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I hope you have at least one other family member there with you. I would not be alone with him under any circumstances. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.
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Old 04-19-2010, 06:44 AM
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I agree 100% with suki-- don;t go it alone! Set up shifts for family and friends to be present...his behavior is obviously escalating as reality crashes in - and we all kow A's do not like reality, they violently abuse their brains and body to avoid it....please stay safe - get through these hours and lean on friends and fam---accept help!

Good luck & peace soon-
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:31 PM
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When the day came for me to move out, my then AH was behind the removalist and myself, watching everything that went.
He yelled at me to put a book back, because he bought it.....so I said "fine, here's the book", then I went into the bedroom and got keys to his car.
He demanded keys back, as it was his car....I pointed out that if the book he gave me as a birthday present was really his, because he paid for it, then his car was mine. I paid for it.
Got handed the book, and not another word said.

Let me tell you, the removalist said later, "that was spooky. Everywhere I went he was up my rear."

If you have any fears of this idiot then can you ask the police to assist in keeping him from his usual manic behavior?

Guess who is back on my prayer list?

God bless
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Old 04-19-2010, 01:04 PM
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rdy4change...you're in my prayers today.

I'll second (third? fourth?) what has been said and beg you to get friends or family or even coworkers to be there with you to help with the packing. Do not be alone with this "man" during this volatile period. Considering the fact that he's being confrontational about things, I would try to go as peacefully as possible (i.e. not get into a fight in order to keep this or that item). In this situation, your safety is of paramount importance. Objects can be purchased again later on.

I wonder if, considering the threats he has made, there wouldn't be a way to get the police involved here...I'm not certain.

In any case, perhaps making yourself a quick list of the items you plan on taking might make the process go faster. Remember to take important paperwork, such as birth certificate, marriage certificate, passport, health card, insurance papers, tax stuff, etc. These are hard to get a hold of later on.

I also left with just a bit of clothing, a few pieces of furniture (rocking chair, heirloom dish cabinet, and a mattress) and my DD. Yes, I took a big financial hit by leaving a bunch of furniture (most of which were gifts to me by my family), electronics (a flat screen tv given by my dad), and all the kitchen ware, along with several thousands of dollars worth of debt (not to mention the 100K AH burned through while I stripped and supported him), but I left!! My mother, father, uncle, aunty and a family friend showed up with two cars and a van, and they moved me out quickly. When AH found out just how many people were coming, he arranged not to be there and just used his son to monitor what I was taking. Today, when I look back I wonder if I wasn't paranoid or overcareful, but I'd rather be paranoid and alive, than careless and injured/dead.

Please let us know how things go and I hope you can find a way not to leave this man alone with your child.

SUPER to you!
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:36 PM
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I started packing one week before I left, or I thought I was leaving in a week. My XABF watched me pack, and started to go through all the boxes, accusing me of 'stealing' his stuff too. I had bought ALL NEW STUFF for my new apartment, from the toilet brush, to the bed and couch.

I said to him..WHY would I be stealing your OLD NASTY CRAP when I bought all new stuff????? Idiot!

We got into a HUGE fight that night, and I left the next day. I continued packing through the fighting, and a switch just flipped in my brain that I was DONE! The next morning he left for work at 6am, and I was on the phone, getting a UHaul, and moving out the stuff I needed, and I left the rest. I just didn't care! He can keep the crap we accumulated. I didn't want ANY of his karma in my new home!

11 weeks of NC and counting. It does really get easier!

If you fear your XA will be violent, involve the police. Get what you need, and just get out. It's just STUFF, and it can be replaced! You and your kids cannot!

Prayers going out to you!
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:48 PM
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Don't go alone. That's awful. Bring a family member or a friend. Don't let him intimidate you. It's not safe.
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Old 04-19-2010, 03:19 PM
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rdy4chnge-

in my experience, it is not worth arguing about stuff. it's just stuff and it can be replaced.

don't rock the boat, go with a friend and take what you can, consider sacrificing the rest.

and stay safe!

naive
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Old 04-19-2010, 05:12 PM
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are there times when he is not at the house? like while at work? i would gather up every friend/relative i could, go when he's not around, and never return.

i wish you the best in a horrible situation.
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Old 04-19-2010, 08:14 PM
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u have your freedom, a chance to give up the chaos, a possibility to find serenity,
and a clear view of the jerk in the rear view mirror.

With time, this will be just a bump in the path.
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Old 04-19-2010, 08:29 PM
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I hope it worked out today. Peace

rdy4change
Packing today...words of support please.
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:38 AM
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any news today rdy4change? I'm concerned about you...
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by rdy4change View Post
Anyway...has anyone experienced this where your STBEX has monitored your packing?
Check each box before loading, do not do anything while packing that could cause legal problems. I have been in this situation and it was a mine trap that I was able to get through. I had my father come with, so bringing a friend/relative would be a good idea. They know they are in the wrong and will use the situation to start another fire for you to take care of.

I was in another State and came back after an 8 yr marriage to pack things. Was surprised how much attempt there was to bait me into acting violently or doing something where charges could be pressed. Truly God was with me during those 10 hours of loading boxes.
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Old 04-21-2010, 06:27 AM
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bumping for some news from you rdy4change
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:18 AM
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An update....

Good morning everyone. I'm so sorry for the delay in getting back to you all. Been busy! I'll give you as much of a condensed version as possible.

My mom and sis-in-law came early to help me start packing. I had taken DD to AH's sister's house for a day long play date. AH started with the attitude, we kept packing. He started drinking...on #3 by 11:00. My brother came at noon and had me call the police because AH was trying to force me to get my things out very quickly. Additionally, there were guns in the house (I had hid them so he didn't know where they were) and I was advised from the dispatcher not to remove them until the police arrived. They arrived, talked to us both. He blew a .17 at noon....nothing for an alcoholic. It's not illegal to be drunk in your own home so it was merely to see what type of demeanor to expect from him.

AH's brother and wife showed up to help and I think that really got to him. We took a load to the storage room, came back and he had locked us out. The cops went in (I anticipated the locked door and left a patio unlocked) calling for him and he wouldn't respond. We had to go across the street while they went in with guns drawn because there was a handgun in the house we couldn't find. Anyway...he came out and left in a cab - supposedly going to his attorney's office. Blah blah...

More people came and we just kept throwing stuff in boxes. Needless to say, we got almost all of it out. The important stuff anyway. I had taken all of the important paperwork & my jewelry, etc. out months ago in anticipation of this.

DD and I are at my parent's house and I may be able to close on my townhouse this Friday which would be great. DD has not asked about her dad at all. Who by the way says that he wants nothing to do with her anymore...she's mine. I can have sole custody (duh) and support her 100%. I said - that's just the way I want it.

Yesterday morning he called from jail....apparently the cops must have been filling out the police report and found the bench warrant for contempt of court. They came back and arrested him. He blamed it on me. I said I didn't call it in....if I wanted to call it in...I would have done it on moving day to get him out of my hair! We talked a little...he's calm and obviously very depressed.

There are still some odds/ends at the house but he did invite me back yesterday when I asked him to leave DD bike outside. I DID NOT go alone. His sister was there. I was in and out in about a minute and a half! Knees shaking.

He's meeting with his attorney today and I don't know if it's just for his bankruptcy issues or if he'll retain him for the divorce too...which has been in default for 3 months so I'm not sure how that plays out.

Anyway....thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It was officially the worst day of my life. But I do know I will emerge much stronger and I am already anxious to start living my life....creating my own drama (the good kind!!!) and eliminating his from my life.

While I feel a sense of relief, I'm still sad. Sad that he chose this path...sad that it came to this...sad for my daughter who left for a play date and will never see her room again. Just sad. But, as of yesterday...I officially removed my wedding ring. I am ready.
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:24 AM
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((((BIG, BIG HUGS))))

I'm so glad that is over! Thanks for letting us know how it went. You're going to be fine. You sound strong and more than ready to make a new life for yourself and your daughter. I'm very happy for you.
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:27 AM
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*PHEW*!

I was reading this with baited breath at work, hoping and praying that you were ok. Thank goodness you had family come over to help you.

I remember my own emergency move out day, and I remember thinking that it was the beginning of a new life for me....I also remember crying at Tim Horton's with my parents after it was all over and done with, because I'd been holding it all in for months.

*hugs* to you for being such a brave mama.

Please limit your contact with this, um, "man". You are right: he's made *his* choices and they are none of your business anymore. Do you have a lawyer already? I can't remember...If you do, your stbx can communicate to you through this lawyer, or via email if you have the fortitude for it. When I needed some space from AH, I had all of his emails redirected to a folder called "I don't have time to read this $hit", and had friends/coworkers read them (and his texts), just giving me the cliff notes.

Regarding your daughter, she may be sad about not seeing her room again, but when she grows up, she'll remember how her mother took a stand and refused to let her live in a world of madness.

*MORE HUGS FOR YOU!!**
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:36 AM
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You did well and stay strong. Tough times emotionally may come now.
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:30 AM
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Sigh of relief!

thank you for the update.

(((Hugs))) to you and DD as you begin a new life together. She has a great mom!
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:37 AM
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You are such a strong person. I'm glad the move is over and you can start on the next leg of your journey.
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