shame, disbelief, anger at myself...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
shame, disbelief, anger at myself...
I know there's no point in beating myself up.
I know I shouldn't feel shame. Or be angry with myself.
But the past several weeks have been quite a wake-up call.
I forgot just about everything I've learned about the importance of making and enforcing boundaries. I haven't been true to what I know is right.
I honestly don't know what happened. How did I let this happen?
I KNEW the no drinking boudary was important. And somehow, someway, I let it gradually fade away. I wasn't happy but I tried to settle for a situation I KNEW was wrong for me, for my son, for my exah. But why?
Because I wanted my family together? At the cost of my own happiness and health?
Because being a single mom is so hard?
Because my exah makes me laugh?
Because I love him? (when I'm not actively hating him?)
Are any of those reasons good enough?
No.
I feel like one of those loser woman people look at and scratch their head and pity because they love someone who brings them misery and heartache.
I was so happy that he quit the heroin that I settled and saw alcohol as a 'tolerable' evil.
Man, I have alot of work to do.
I am ashamed of myself.
I really am.
I know shame isn't going to do me any good but its real. And it cuts me to the core.
Back to step one.
I am powerless.
I'm so glad all of you are here to walk with me.
I know I shouldn't feel shame. Or be angry with myself.
But the past several weeks have been quite a wake-up call.
I forgot just about everything I've learned about the importance of making and enforcing boundaries. I haven't been true to what I know is right.
I honestly don't know what happened. How did I let this happen?
I KNEW the no drinking boudary was important. And somehow, someway, I let it gradually fade away. I wasn't happy but I tried to settle for a situation I KNEW was wrong for me, for my son, for my exah. But why?
Because I wanted my family together? At the cost of my own happiness and health?
Because being a single mom is so hard?
Because my exah makes me laugh?
Because I love him? (when I'm not actively hating him?)
Are any of those reasons good enough?
No.
I feel like one of those loser woman people look at and scratch their head and pity because they love someone who brings them misery and heartache.
I was so happy that he quit the heroin that I settled and saw alcohol as a 'tolerable' evil.
Man, I have alot of work to do.
I am ashamed of myself.
I really am.
I know shame isn't going to do me any good but its real. And it cuts me to the core.
Back to step one.
I am powerless.
I'm so glad all of you are here to walk with me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Outonalimb... I don't have a direct answer for you but would like to share this:
I hope you find comfort with these words.
Take care.
There are times in every life
when we feel hurt or alone...
But I believe that these times
when we feel lost
and all around us seems
to be falling apart
are really bridges of growth.
We struggle and try to recapture
the security of what was,
but almost in spite of ourselves
we emerge on the other side
with a new understanding,
a new awareness,
a new strength.
It is almost as though
we must go through the pain
and the struggle
in order to grow
and reach new heights.
- Sue Mitchell
when we feel hurt or alone...
But I believe that these times
when we feel lost
and all around us seems
to be falling apart
are really bridges of growth.
We struggle and try to recapture
the security of what was,
but almost in spite of ourselves
we emerge on the other side
with a new understanding,
a new awareness,
a new strength.
It is almost as though
we must go through the pain
and the struggle
in order to grow
and reach new heights.
- Sue Mitchell
I hope you find comfort with these words.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by outonalimb 
Because I wanted my family together? At the cost of my own happiness and health?
Because being a single mom is so hard?
Because my exah makes me laugh?
Because I love him? (when I'm not actively hating him?)
Because being a single mom is so hard?
Because my exah makes me laugh?
Because I love him? (when I'm not actively hating him?)
Beating yourself down does not help--
Be kind to your kind heart, be positive, live and learn. Just stay positive, and the universe will bring you positive things..........
Love,
Cess
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We had a dear family friend who was most definitely an alcoholic...but very functional. He never drove drunk, mostly drank at home, he held a wonderful job and provided well for his family, who he loved. He was a good dad and loving husband and had many friends.
He died six years ago of a heart attack that might have been prevented if he had gone to a doctor, but he didn't because, I think, he was afraid the doctor would tell him to stop drinking.
My point here is, that some alcoholics can live with their families and be very happy and productive, and the families benefit from them being around.
That is rarely the case, from my experience, but it happens sometimes and that's why we try not to tell people whether to stay or leave.
Limb, you have a big heart and there isn't a foolish bone in your body. You wanted a good life with this man and didn't think that alcohol would be such a problem.
You are not pathetic, you are not one of those women people point at, you are a woman who tried to make her life better. That's all.
So put down the shame stick and dust yourself off. Tomorrow is a new day, Scarlett, and you can start over again with hope in your heart.
Big Hugs
He died six years ago of a heart attack that might have been prevented if he had gone to a doctor, but he didn't because, I think, he was afraid the doctor would tell him to stop drinking.
My point here is, that some alcoholics can live with their families and be very happy and productive, and the families benefit from them being around.
That is rarely the case, from my experience, but it happens sometimes and that's why we try not to tell people whether to stay or leave.
Limb, you have a big heart and there isn't a foolish bone in your body. You wanted a good life with this man and didn't think that alcohol would be such a problem.
You are not pathetic, you are not one of those women people point at, you are a woman who tried to make her life better. That's all.
So put down the shame stick and dust yourself off. Tomorrow is a new day, Scarlett, and you can start over again with hope in your heart.
Big Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 76
As usual, I don't think I have the best advice but from what I have read, I totally sympathize with your situation. I have done something similar in that I bought into my exabf's desire to want to change but he didn't work a program or anything. He started using again (his DOC is heroin) and low and behold he is in jail and stole from my family again. I have learned so much from this group, doing online coda meetings, reading Melody Beattie books and also from going to therapy. I didn't even see it coming this time but wham! Here I am questioning myself and wondering what the heck happened? Though again like you, I think I know many of the answers to the questions I ask...
My questioning for why things panned out the way they have are the same so perhaps there is a key there...despite the fact that my answer is no as well. Things can sometimes be so easily justified when we hang onto the hope or the expectation or rather just who we rather the person we care about to be (if that makes sense). It takes some stepping back or for in my situation something drastic to happen to see that we need to slow down and put the focus back on us.
I don't feel that you should be ashamed of yourself. You did the best that you could given the situation that you were in. I even thought to myself recently that I was as you put it "one of those loser woman people look at and scratch their head and pity because they love someone who brings them misery and heartache" but the thing is that you aren't a loser or wrong or to blame. You got a little lost on the path but that path is still on the road to recovery. You still realized your mistake are seeing that you are at step one and that is something to feel good about. That is progress in that you realize that things need to change and that they need to change for YOUR sake. I don't know about you but when I first stepped on this roller coaster, I wouldn't have realized the error of my ways at all...I probably would've been blaming him or anyone else...so to be where you are is something to commend...
I hope something in what I have said has made some sort of sense to you. I just read this and totally did not see someone who should be ashamed or feel bad for themselves for the actions they have made but rather that they should be proud for the fact that they have grown to the extent that they can pinpoint when they aren't thinking of themselves and what is best for them. To me that sounds like progress...
My questioning for why things panned out the way they have are the same so perhaps there is a key there...despite the fact that my answer is no as well. Things can sometimes be so easily justified when we hang onto the hope or the expectation or rather just who we rather the person we care about to be (if that makes sense). It takes some stepping back or for in my situation something drastic to happen to see that we need to slow down and put the focus back on us.
I don't feel that you should be ashamed of yourself. You did the best that you could given the situation that you were in. I even thought to myself recently that I was as you put it "one of those loser woman people look at and scratch their head and pity because they love someone who brings them misery and heartache" but the thing is that you aren't a loser or wrong or to blame. You got a little lost on the path but that path is still on the road to recovery. You still realized your mistake are seeing that you are at step one and that is something to feel good about. That is progress in that you realize that things need to change and that they need to change for YOUR sake. I don't know about you but when I first stepped on this roller coaster, I wouldn't have realized the error of my ways at all...I probably would've been blaming him or anyone else...so to be where you are is something to commend...
I hope something in what I have said has made some sort of sense to you. I just read this and totally did not see someone who should be ashamed or feel bad for themselves for the actions they have made but rather that they should be proud for the fact that they have grown to the extent that they can pinpoint when they aren't thinking of themselves and what is best for them. To me that sounds like progress...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I'm going to try to put down the whipping stick and forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.
My exah is a high functioning alcoholic. Never misses work. Never drinks and drives. Actually cooks dinner and cleans the house as he's drinking.
Unusual, I know...but true.
But his drinking drove me away. No real intimacy...
So much resentment.
But I lived with it anyway...because, at the time, I thought the good outweighed the bad.
And it took an episode as scary as a pschotic break on his part to bring me to my knees and my breaking point.
My biggest failure...not trusting myself enough to hold fast and firm to a boundary I knew was important.
Lesson learned.
My exah is a high functioning alcoholic. Never misses work. Never drinks and drives. Actually cooks dinner and cleans the house as he's drinking.
Unusual, I know...but true.
But his drinking drove me away. No real intimacy...
So much resentment.
But I lived with it anyway...because, at the time, I thought the good outweighed the bad.
And it took an episode as scary as a pschotic break on his part to bring me to my knees and my breaking point.
My biggest failure...not trusting myself enough to hold fast and firm to a boundary I knew was important.
Lesson learned.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I forgot just about everything I've learned about the importance of making and enforcing boundaries. I haven't been true to what I know is right.
Yes....but the important part is that you are remembering them now....and boundaries was a word that wasn't in any of our vocabularies before. This is all new. Good that you caught it....great that you came here. Try not to make this a new frustration, just look at is as a jumping off point. Practice makes perfect!
You'll move on when you're good and ready.
Keep working on you.
Yes....but the important part is that you are remembering them now....and boundaries was a word that wasn't in any of our vocabularies before. This is all new. Good that you caught it....great that you came here. Try not to make this a new frustration, just look at is as a jumping off point. Practice makes perfect!
You'll move on when you're good and ready.
Keep working on you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 76
Addicts relapse, and so do we. Don't beat yourself up. Easier said than done I know.
At least you have taken responsibility for your mistakes. At least you aren't living in denial. Keep on trying. Sometimes I think that's all we can do when we love an addict. We all have weak moments. What matters is that we make progress.
Be strong!
Christen
At least you have taken responsibility for your mistakes. At least you aren't living in denial. Keep on trying. Sometimes I think that's all we can do when we love an addict. We all have weak moments. What matters is that we make progress.
Be strong!
Christen
Finding Truth Within
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 54
outonalimb
Thank you for your post. I am really feeling low myself today. Your words mirrored some of my feelings. Especially the part where you list why you have put up with the crap. Those are exactly my whys, as well.
May we both find that well of strength within us. May we both create happy, loving families, regardless of whether our exes are there or not. May we both rise above this insanity and live our lives powerfully.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by outonalimb
Lesson learned.
I hope you leave the whipping stick in the closet for a while
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Outon alimb, when they are away the always seem to look so good. My AH has been sober since I filed the restraning order 2/17, before that he'd been sober 30 days, and before that 55, before that 89(55 of which incarcerated). (Before that he was always drunk and or high)
I have no contact but I miss him soooooo very much. Everytime the kids go for their supervised visit, I cry, they come back and I cry; Everytime to court file shows he went to his weekly SA class I cry and even more so, when I slightly overhear his voice on the phone when he's talking to the boys, I cry hard and usually spend 15 minutes alone locked int he bathroom.
I am sure if I allowed contact he'd be home, and at this point, I believe if I did, it wouldnt be long before Im crying for allowing the whole thing to repeat itself. We do what we do, we love who we love and we just keep going mistakes, our own relapses and all
I have no contact but I miss him soooooo very much. Everytime the kids go for their supervised visit, I cry, they come back and I cry; Everytime to court file shows he went to his weekly SA class I cry and even more so, when I slightly overhear his voice on the phone when he's talking to the boys, I cry hard and usually spend 15 minutes alone locked int he bathroom.
I am sure if I allowed contact he'd be home, and at this point, I believe if I did, it wouldnt be long before Im crying for allowing the whole thing to repeat itself. We do what we do, we love who we love and we just keep going mistakes, our own relapses and all
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
(((Out)))
First off, what anyone on the outside looking in thinks, means nothing. I would never scratch my head and look at you with pity. Do what works for you, as it works for you. There is no hard set in stone steps. It's a work in progress day by day.
You are a strong woman who has come a Long way, so where is the credit for that? YOU did it, you took the steps to find recovery yourself and continue to do so. So instead of kicking your own self in the butt, you really need to be patting yourself on the back.
So what do you want to do now? Should you revisit your bounderies? If you do, then really think about weather or not you will be able to enforce them, and what the plan will be. We are behind you no matter what you decide to do.
Love and Hugs
B
P.S. After years of struggles, every morning that I wake up, I imagine that this could be my last day, how do I want to live it? It really keeps my perspective straight. (-:
First off, what anyone on the outside looking in thinks, means nothing. I would never scratch my head and look at you with pity. Do what works for you, as it works for you. There is no hard set in stone steps. It's a work in progress day by day.
You are a strong woman who has come a Long way, so where is the credit for that? YOU did it, you took the steps to find recovery yourself and continue to do so. So instead of kicking your own self in the butt, you really need to be patting yourself on the back.
So what do you want to do now? Should you revisit your bounderies? If you do, then really think about weather or not you will be able to enforce them, and what the plan will be. We are behind you no matter what you decide to do.
Love and Hugs
B
P.S. After years of struggles, every morning that I wake up, I imagine that this could be my last day, how do I want to live it? It really keeps my perspective straight. (-:
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
How can you think you've failed? You only loved.
You've shown incredible strength from a place of great fear and you acted in love. There is no shame.
Don't let us strangers project on to you and God help us from projecting on to strangers.
You've shown incredible strength from a place of great fear and you acted in love. There is no shame.
Don't let us strangers project on to you and God help us from projecting on to strangers.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((limb))
I pray that you are feeling the love, acceptance and understanding in this thread - I think we are all walking our path - just the way we are suppost to - Learning what we need to learn . . .
For me, I learned that my boundaries could ebb away like the Louisana Coast line - I end up giving just a little bit at a time thinking it's going to be ok and then I wake up one morning and I'm in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico - drowning without a boat, paddle or lifejacket - Wondering how in the world did I get here???????????
I think it can happen to any of us at any time -
We just start the day over and try it again -
You have the ability to change your mind about your boundaries - Maybe what you thought was going to work yesterday, last week, last month - you have discovered isn't going to work today - Share that with those around you and take good care of YOU!!!
Remember you deserve the very best!!
HUGS,
Rita
I pray that you are feeling the love, acceptance and understanding in this thread - I think we are all walking our path - just the way we are suppost to - Learning what we need to learn . . .
For me, I learned that my boundaries could ebb away like the Louisana Coast line - I end up giving just a little bit at a time thinking it's going to be ok and then I wake up one morning and I'm in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico - drowning without a boat, paddle or lifejacket - Wondering how in the world did I get here???????????
I think it can happen to any of us at any time -
We just start the day over and try it again -
You have the ability to change your mind about your boundaries - Maybe what you thought was going to work yesterday, last week, last month - you have discovered isn't going to work today - Share that with those around you and take good care of YOU!!!
Remember you deserve the very best!!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
For me, I learned that my boundaries could ebb away like the Louisana Coast line - I end up giving just a little bit at a time thinking it's going to be ok and then I wake up one morning and I'm in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico - drowning without a boat, paddle or lifejacket - Wondering how in the world did I get here???????????
Great statement Jap! I can totally see that in myself too! Out - don't beat yourself up. This is a hard path to be on and we're on a very slippery slope. It's very easy to get sucked back in. I totally understand your frustration with yourself. I feel it with myself daily as well.
Great statement Jap! I can totally see that in myself too! Out - don't beat yourself up. This is a hard path to be on and we're on a very slippery slope. It's very easy to get sucked back in. I totally understand your frustration with yourself. I feel it with myself daily as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
Pity is what kept me married so long. I really felt so darn sorry for him! It broke my heart to watch him hurt like that. I felt guilty at every turn, at every decision. If I let him stay, I felt guilty about what I was doing to myself and my sons, but when I finally made my decision to divorce him, it was more like abandoning a sick child than divorcing a husband and I felt even more guilt.
My XAH will always be the love of my life. I grieve every day for the man who was so lost. There was no joy in any of my decisions. Peace? Yes. Joy? No.
Babs
My XAH will always be the love of my life. I grieve every day for the man who was so lost. There was no joy in any of my decisions. Peace? Yes. Joy? No.
Babs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Thank you for all of your kindness, understanding and encouragement.
I met with a counselor today. I really liked him. He really challenged me to take responsibility for my situation and my continued recovery. I printed out a list of al anon meetings in my area. Its tough being a single parent to make time for meetings. I don't really have any dependable child care but I'm going to find a way to do it and I'm going to continue with counseling too.
My counselor said something that really struck me today. He basically pointed out that I've been living a lie. Divorced but living with my exah. I've been unhappy with my life but I continued to live it and didn't put the work in to change it.
There's no point in wishing I could change the past or beating myself up for the situation I find myself in. But... I'm strong (if I've learned anything, its that I'm strong) and I sincerely want change in my life. With these two things, I can do it. I'm confident and hopeful. Shame has no place in my plan for recovery.
Anyway, I just want all of you to know how much you've helped me. I'm so grateful.
I met with a counselor today. I really liked him. He really challenged me to take responsibility for my situation and my continued recovery. I printed out a list of al anon meetings in my area. Its tough being a single parent to make time for meetings. I don't really have any dependable child care but I'm going to find a way to do it and I'm going to continue with counseling too.
My counselor said something that really struck me today. He basically pointed out that I've been living a lie. Divorced but living with my exah. I've been unhappy with my life but I continued to live it and didn't put the work in to change it.
There's no point in wishing I could change the past or beating myself up for the situation I find myself in. But... I'm strong (if I've learned anything, its that I'm strong) and I sincerely want change in my life. With these two things, I can do it. I'm confident and hopeful. Shame has no place in my plan for recovery.
Anyway, I just want all of you to know how much you've helped me. I'm so grateful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Sounds like you have a great counselor there!
I've had this thought float through my mind a lot over the years, even before I left the XAH. Your thread made me think of it again.
I knew I didn't want my life the way it was, but I kept trying to make it work (or maybe blindly kept living what I thought/wanted it to be as best I could). I started paying attention to the attributes of people I admired. Not for their profession, or where they lived or anything, but for who they appeared to be and how they lived and how they seemed to be able to be kind and compassionate and yet stay true to themselves and not get walked all over (like me). The one thing that stood out most always seemed to be CHANGE, and their abiltity to accept it quicker than me.
I noticed that those people who seemed to have that peace and sense of self accepted life as it WAS, at that moment, dealt with it as it was, didn't try to change it and if it didn't work for them, then they did something about it with no/little looking back and/or regretting and wishing.
Speaking to some of these people after I left my X, they said to me, they would have walked away after 6 mos. and I believe them. Some understanding and making accomodations were acceptable, but their line on what was not was clear to them. Clear boundaries and they don't hesitate to go forward and CHANGE their situations, circumstances, grocery list or whatever - big or small, they could roll...
Shame was also something they didn't carry. They accepted if they made a mistake. When they did, they would know better next time.
thx for sharing!
I've had this thought float through my mind a lot over the years, even before I left the XAH. Your thread made me think of it again.
I knew I didn't want my life the way it was, but I kept trying to make it work (or maybe blindly kept living what I thought/wanted it to be as best I could). I started paying attention to the attributes of people I admired. Not for their profession, or where they lived or anything, but for who they appeared to be and how they lived and how they seemed to be able to be kind and compassionate and yet stay true to themselves and not get walked all over (like me). The one thing that stood out most always seemed to be CHANGE, and their abiltity to accept it quicker than me.
I noticed that those people who seemed to have that peace and sense of self accepted life as it WAS, at that moment, dealt with it as it was, didn't try to change it and if it didn't work for them, then they did something about it with no/little looking back and/or regretting and wishing.
Speaking to some of these people after I left my X, they said to me, they would have walked away after 6 mos. and I believe them. Some understanding and making accomodations were acceptable, but their line on what was not was clear to them. Clear boundaries and they don't hesitate to go forward and CHANGE their situations, circumstances, grocery list or whatever - big or small, they could roll...
Shame was also something they didn't carry. They accepted if they made a mistake. When they did, they would know better next time.
thx for sharing!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You know what I used to hear in recovery after I would relapse?
"It's not how far you fall, but how high you bounce."
You are doing great. It's never easy to get back on track. I know this from first hand experience. Recovery from addiction or codependency isn't a one time thing - it's a life long commitment. And as Anvilhead used to say to me "you get no points for style."
"It's not how far you fall, but how high you bounce."
You are doing great. It's never easy to get back on track. I know this from first hand experience. Recovery from addiction or codependency isn't a one time thing - it's a life long commitment. And as Anvilhead used to say to me "you get no points for style."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
