KeepPedaling

See, the thing is, if I looked on his fb page, I would be able to tell if he's been drinking. I'd KNOW if he chose recovery or drinking. But it's like there's been a terrible crash, I've got my hands over my eyes to shield from the possible horror, I could look at the outcome, but I don't want to. I'm just not ready to know because if it's horrible, I don't want to know, I just don't.

I'm sooooo not through the woods yet. I'm feeling really impatient about my own recovery this week.

barb dwyer

keep -

techinically, it's none of your business any more.

KeepPedaling

Correct, it's not. Nothing in this life but my own business is my business, but I call to check up on the people that I love...my family...my friends... It's hard not to know how someone I love is doing. It's a strange feeling (for me) to feel too scared to find out.

This whole journey has been weird and scary.

barb dwyer

Yeah, but this isn't that.

is it... not really.

Not being agressive - just trying to piont out where we make the twist
that tries to make our own codie-ism... okay.

TakingCharge999

He is in God's hands.
And so are you.

As cruel as it may sound, imagining XABF is dead -at least who I thought he was- has helped me to move on. Helped me feel less important and less powerful (in the sick way).

The "I want to know how my loved ones are" is tantamount to an alkie saying "just this one last shot of tequila". Its not because she likes the taste. Its not because its a 'special ocassion'.

No contact means No contact for whatever reason. If he's hurt there's 911 and doctors and hospitals. If he is dead nothing you can do about it either. Why open the door to more broken promises and bad times? why reopen the scar?

Don't get me wrong..its just that I did that many times and cried for months. I wished I heard the wise ppl here. I know- I've been there... came back for whatever contact in many different ways... done it got the t shirt got hurt everytime. EVERY time.

After 1.5 years I believe I suffered too much for nothing much really, and mainly it was my own self who kept me in that cage. Because it hurt but also because I didn't want to do what I knew had to be done. Because I believed No contact promised misery. That Far, far from the truth. Because I thought I was God and "how it was supposed to be like". How is it supposed to be? It is supposed to be this way: I am happy and choose how and with whom I spend my day. I am humble and know if God takes ppl away from me its for my own good and to make space for ppl with other lessons.

Break NC if you wish but you already know what's in store. Only you can change the outcome! have you read the stickies??

Hugs!

barb dwyer

thanks for saying that better than I was.

I was only trying to point out the exact point where the lie we tell ourselves... begins.

JenT1968

if you find out he is drinking and his life is a horrible car crash what will you do with that information? will it affect your emotions at all? will you be sad, worried, angry? will it ruin your day? will any of that make any difference to him? Will any of that benefit you?
If you find out he is not and his life is lovely what will you do with that information? will it affect your emotions at all? will you be sad, worried, angry? will it ruin your day? will any of that make any difference to him? Will any of that benefit you?

play the tape.

There comes a time when we really have to let go of the relationship. you can care for him and know absolutely NOTHING about his life, he isn't going to benefit . ask yourself if sitting there worrying about whether you should look is a way of your subconscious trying to maintain a "relationship" with him?

(())

KeepPedaling

I don't agree. We can't call all emotions we feel "codependence". Through a lot of therapy, I've learned the difference between my unhealthy codie behavior and my healthy human emotions. It's very healthy for me to miss someone, to feel love for someone, to wonder how that person is. It's very unhealthy for me to stay with someone who I'm not happy with, who I don't share a balanced relationship with.
My concern (worry) for him, is fine. It's how I choose to respond to that worry is where the patterns have to change, right? Right.

It seems like what you're saying is that when we walk out of a relationship with an alcoholic, we should turn our feelings off like a faucet, or we're being "codie". Feeling nothing, and not worrying about people we love who are in trouble is just not normal human behavior. That's not something I strive for.

Or am I missing something? Did you think I meant something else other than I'm worried for him and don't want to know sometimes because it would suck if he weren't on the road to recovery? Or maybe you think I'm on the verge of picking up the phone? Or I spend all my time locked in a dark room consumed by this worry? I get your response if that's the case.

I'm off to go play in the sunshine. I hope everyone has a great day!

KeepPedaling

Yes, it will absolutely affect me. If he's drinking, I'll be sad. If he's not drinking and choosing to live a happy life, I'll feel really good about that. I've know him for almost 20 years. I'll always love him. Will either outcome affect the way I live my life? No. Does his life matter to me, yes. ABSOLUTELY. Always has, always will. I love him. I know I can't be with him, but there's just no way that I'll never NOT care about him. Why wouldn't I care about him?

I feel like I"m missing something here. It feels like you guys are suggesting that I don't care about him. That's not what you're saying, right?

KeepPedaling

Also, I think all of the feelings I go through during this process are ok. ALL of them. It's my recovery. They're my feelings. They're all ok.

KeepPedaling

And there's no way I'm going to imagine he's dead. And now I really have to get out of here. It's so rare that the sun it out! I love spring!

I do appreciate the input.

alanonicnov2008

I'm struggling with this one...I think it's really good advice...but it's really difficult, because as you say there is no hope when someone is dead you are truly powerless.

Here here. The big challenge for me is allowing myself to feel the feelings, in all of their painful glory. Even though I learned to enjoy pain (or at least tolerate it) in my relationship, in my life alone it is much more difficult.

I had a rebound relationship that seems to have poofed and my temptation to reconnect with my ex is really, really strong right now -- particularly since it's his birthday on Tuesday. I really have to be careful right now...I can really relate to the feeling of going backwards. It sucks! But with each day we go through these feelings and live with them and *not* act on them, we are stronger.

DMC

Unfriend him on FB. Then you can't "just check in." It was very liberating for me. Took a random whim to go through with it, but I'm glad I did.

LaTeeDa

In my mind, there is a huge difference between caring about someone and worrying about them. I like to convince myself that worrying means I care, but it's not true.

Caring about someone means wanting what's best for them, sure. But it also means trusting them, and their choices, to them. Admitting maybe I don't know what's best for them. That maybe I'm not privy to whatever life has in store for them. If their life goes to hell, or turns out magnificently, either way it's their life, their path to walk. My worrying makes no difference at all. Except to cause that anxious knot in my stomach.

I can certainly care about others without worrying about them.

L

LaTeeDa

Absolutely! You're feeling concern for him. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's not like you could stop yourself anyway. When concern turns into worry, then you are acting on that feeling, if only in your own mind. So, maybe we're just using different words here for the same thing. Maybe you aren't really worrying about him, but using that word to describe your concern.

Hope you're enjoying the sun!

L

JenT1968

certainly not saying don't care about him or don't love him at all. Not telling you to deny your feelings. I was pointing out (badly!) that your brain is used to thinking and worrying and obsessing about him, as TC said, like he was your DOC. you are going no contact, which is like going cold turkey, all contact removed, no actual new interactions to feed your subconcious' need to obsess (not becuase you are neurotic, but because that is the pattern that your brain is used to).

Worrying about him is a trick your brain is using to get back to pattern it was comfortable with: getting new information about him, if not direct then by looking him up and working out what that means about his drinking. Even if you don't (and so far you haven't which is fab) you are feeling scared about looking, your subconcious is creating a drama around him and contact with him, creating a proxy for the turbulent traumatic relationship that was there before.

does that make sense. Caring about someone is laudable. Worrying about them is not helpful to anyone, it helps neither them nor you, it creates drama in your life centred around his actions. You knowing whether he is drinking or not doesn't affect him and his life one way or the other, for good or bad, it is simply feeding your monster.

Its a normal reaction coming out of a relationship, especially an intense, or traumatic one, I'm not saying you are wrong, or doing something wrong, just pointing out that it's a trick your mind is playing to try and rerun old patterns, so that if you are feeling scared and the worrying is painful, you know that you don't have to act on it.

(())

Learn2Live

Hi KP. I went through the same thing recently when my XA+ABF relapsed. I knew that there was no turning back for me, that he never was going to get better. I went no contact, etc and reached the point where you are now, AFRAID of what was going to happen. I would cry thinking about all the possibilities. I wanted to call his mother and tell her, when something happens to him, please do not call me and tell me. I told my parents and my brothers this, that when they read about him dying or whatever in the paper, DO NOT call me and tell me, because I knew I would lose it. Anyway, I'm not sure this is exactly what your post is talking about but, my point is, don't worry, you WILL get through this. It WILL pass. You WILL grow more the longer you remain no contact and keep focusing on your recovery. Don't go to his FB page, you'll just open up old wounds. Keep doing what you were doing. Of course you have feelings for him; of course you care about him; this may just be an indication that you are bored or restless and need to focus on something new; your brain is going back to old habits, old topics, that's all. Chin up, go look at a new shiny bike or plan a cross-country trip or something.

KeepPedaling

Yep, I agree that we don't get to dictate how others live. I think you might be preaching to the choir here. That's pretty much a no brainer.

I don't agree that to worry is to give up control. If I went away to war, and my family worried about my well being, that's not them giving up control, that's them worrying about the life and well being of someone they love...because they FEEL LOVE. That's human. Again, I'm not going to strive NOT to worry or care about people I love. How I choose to react is my journey and what I strive to improve.

And thanks! I did enjoy the sunshine! I even have a red nose and rosie cheeks.

KeepPedaling

I appreciate what you're saying, and I get it. But I don't agree. I think that to say you can control worry is like saying you can control all of your emotions. That, again, in my opinion, is not human. I cannot control the worry I feel for him sometimes. That's a Spock skill, that I, as a human, do not possess. I know that it does no good. Loving him does no good either, but I cannot control that I love him, care about him, and yes (gasp) worry about him. That's a pretty lofty goal, to expect to CONTROL your (in the general sense, not YOU) feelings. The only thing we can realistically CONTROL is how we react to our feelings. Ya, worrying is worthless, but so are a lot of emotions. That doesn't mean we're not going to have the emotions anyway. That's basically my point.

Kittyboo

KP -

I have to say that I actually totally agree with and understand what you are trying to say. I too have had many "issues" with the term co-dependency. Sometimes I have felt like anything that one does when we are thinking about someone else's well being is automatically co-dependent....when no, I don't agree with that at all. I am not saying that's what people here are saying, but I have come across that.
When I started therapy, I actually had in it my head that I was incredibly co-dependent. My counselor actually snapped me out of that, and helped me to see that I am NOT co-dependent to the extreme. Much of what I felt/feel are completely normal, reactions and feelings that anyone would have. Everyone is co-dependent to some extent... and like you said, healthy vs. unhealthy. That's they key I think.

I also realized that when I would write about my concern from my XA, it was a way for me to hold on to him. I just wasn't ready to let go. Even when I was trying to make a point that my concern for him was healthy, natural human behavior and feelings, all I was really doing was still holding on to him. Whether I was in NC or not...I was still holding on.
I look back in my journal and there are pages and pages and pages of my feelings about him. I don't write about him in my journal any longer. In fact, writing about my feelings for him exhausts me. After nearly a year...FINALLY it exhausts me!
I do wish for him to be healthy, I really did care about him. But I no longer wonder or worry about him in that sense. And honestly, I am so grateful to no longer wonder or worry.

I hope what I am saying makes sense. I'm glad you enjoyed the sun today!