Is he using?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CO
Posts: 1
Is he using?
Type...backspace....type... backspace. This is what I have been doing for the last 5 minutes. I've never posted before and I am new to this site.
My husband has been in recovery for 3 years, but not without some relapse set backs. It has been a hard road for both of us - I am sure that everyone who reads this can relate to all the anger, grief, and forgiveness that is part of both of our recoveries.
Just when you think that you are on a good track...something happens. Last month our 4 year old pulled out a bag of pot from a backpack I retrieved from our storage room (a room that he would retreat to when he was using). My husband said that he was appalled and upset that happened - something from his past popped up and he was sorry. I was upset and stated that my warning flags are up. We worked it out and moved on.
Today, I was downstairs with my son setting a game up on the TV and saw another backpack that my husband carries at times. I went to move it and felt the front...odd feeling. I opened it and found a bottle filled with a liquid that looked like pee. A handwarmer was held in place by a rubberband and a temp. strip was across the bottom. I looked it up online and it was something to mask the drugs in urine tests.
My husband's reaction is not one that I am unfamiliar with...defensive anger.
I was told that it was from a long time ago and he did not know it was there. He actually manipulated the conversation into one that put the focus on me instead of what I found. Not sure if he believed why I was looking in his bag, he is innocent, we need to get divorced and now everyone will know we are not doing well again. Angry texts (he is at work now)...blah, blah, blah.
Too reminiscent of how he was when he was using, except without the name calling.
He is upset because I don't trust 100 percent and I ask questions when things like drugs (or the aids that help mask them in urine tests) show up.
It is not like an addict is going to admit, even when faced with the evidence, to any drug use. I am having a hard time with this one...
My husband has been in recovery for 3 years, but not without some relapse set backs. It has been a hard road for both of us - I am sure that everyone who reads this can relate to all the anger, grief, and forgiveness that is part of both of our recoveries.
Just when you think that you are on a good track...something happens. Last month our 4 year old pulled out a bag of pot from a backpack I retrieved from our storage room (a room that he would retreat to when he was using). My husband said that he was appalled and upset that happened - something from his past popped up and he was sorry. I was upset and stated that my warning flags are up. We worked it out and moved on.
Today, I was downstairs with my son setting a game up on the TV and saw another backpack that my husband carries at times. I went to move it and felt the front...odd feeling. I opened it and found a bottle filled with a liquid that looked like pee. A handwarmer was held in place by a rubberband and a temp. strip was across the bottom. I looked it up online and it was something to mask the drugs in urine tests.
My husband's reaction is not one that I am unfamiliar with...defensive anger.
I was told that it was from a long time ago and he did not know it was there. He actually manipulated the conversation into one that put the focus on me instead of what I found. Not sure if he believed why I was looking in his bag, he is innocent, we need to get divorced and now everyone will know we are not doing well again. Angry texts (he is at work now)...blah, blah, blah.
Too reminiscent of how he was when he was using, except without the name calling.
He is upset because I don't trust 100 percent and I ask questions when things like drugs (or the aids that help mask them in urine tests) show up.
It is not like an addict is going to admit, even when faced with the evidence, to any drug use. I am having a hard time with this one...
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
My husband's reaction is not one that I am unfamiliar with...defensive anger.
I was told that it was from a long time ago and he did not know it was there. He actually manipulated the conversation into one that put the focus on me instead of what I found. - I cannot tell you how many times that was the response I would get from my AH when I would "catch" him in his active addiction. I was soooo miserable because even before I would ask him, I knew he was going to lie. I also knew he was going to turn the conversation around (addicts can be very manipulative) and I would be the one saying "I'm sorry you think I don't trust you...I know you are trying...I'm just trying to help you"...and on and on and on... Yet, every time, I would engage my AH in a conversation hoping "this time" he would be different...this time he would see his way were wrong and he would change. It never happened because my AH is not at the point HE wants to change.
I agree with Cynical One...trust what you see and what your gut tells you. I posted maybe a week or so back that I thought my husband was using again even though he swore he wasn't. Well, on Friday I had confirmation that I was right, he was still using and lying to me about it again...
But I read the sticky at the top of this forum titled 'What Addicts Do', and it no longer upsets me when he behaves like the addict his is...in fact, I've come to expect it.
Before that, I was driving myself crazy...and literally making myself a sick, insomniac with major anxiety and absolutely NO peace or joy in her life. I have 4-year old twin daughters, and I couldn't have fun with them anymore because all my attention was focused on my AH. I would pretend...but I was always in the back of my mind plotting and planning about how to discover whether he was still using or not. That was no way for me or them to live. After the last bout of my finding his active addiction (there was no relapse because he never really recovered...just brief periods of abstinence), I found Sober Recovery, and I began to take steps to help myself. I read the sticky at the top of the forum 'What Addicts Do' and a light came on that would not be extinguished. I cannot change him, and I will never be able to change him. But I CAN take control of my life and the life I live with my daughters.
So, I've begun staging my house...I'm putting it up for sale in a couple of weeks; I'm moving in with my parents short-term. I will be filing for divorce from my husband next week. This wasn't an easy decision for me, but after eight years of trying to make it work, I know it's for the best for me and my children. Now, these are things I need to do for myself to get better, they're not for everyone. But maybe there are things that will help you to find some peace outside of your husband's active addiction. It's never easy to detach with love, but there are so many wonderful people on this forum, I'd recommend reading a lot of the older threads and see if there isn't advice therein to help you find some peace in your life outside your husband's addiction because as difficult as it is to swallow...there's nothing you can do the "fix" or "change" your AH. The best thing to do is let your husband deal with his addiction while you work on creating a peaceful, loving environment for you and your son outside of the addiction as best you can.
Please email me if you want to chat...
I was told that it was from a long time ago and he did not know it was there. He actually manipulated the conversation into one that put the focus on me instead of what I found. - I cannot tell you how many times that was the response I would get from my AH when I would "catch" him in his active addiction. I was soooo miserable because even before I would ask him, I knew he was going to lie. I also knew he was going to turn the conversation around (addicts can be very manipulative) and I would be the one saying "I'm sorry you think I don't trust you...I know you are trying...I'm just trying to help you"...and on and on and on... Yet, every time, I would engage my AH in a conversation hoping "this time" he would be different...this time he would see his way were wrong and he would change. It never happened because my AH is not at the point HE wants to change.
I agree with Cynical One...trust what you see and what your gut tells you. I posted maybe a week or so back that I thought my husband was using again even though he swore he wasn't. Well, on Friday I had confirmation that I was right, he was still using and lying to me about it again...
But I read the sticky at the top of this forum titled 'What Addicts Do', and it no longer upsets me when he behaves like the addict his is...in fact, I've come to expect it.
Before that, I was driving myself crazy...and literally making myself a sick, insomniac with major anxiety and absolutely NO peace or joy in her life. I have 4-year old twin daughters, and I couldn't have fun with them anymore because all my attention was focused on my AH. I would pretend...but I was always in the back of my mind plotting and planning about how to discover whether he was still using or not. That was no way for me or them to live. After the last bout of my finding his active addiction (there was no relapse because he never really recovered...just brief periods of abstinence), I found Sober Recovery, and I began to take steps to help myself. I read the sticky at the top of the forum 'What Addicts Do' and a light came on that would not be extinguished. I cannot change him, and I will never be able to change him. But I CAN take control of my life and the life I live with my daughters.
So, I've begun staging my house...I'm putting it up for sale in a couple of weeks; I'm moving in with my parents short-term. I will be filing for divorce from my husband next week. This wasn't an easy decision for me, but after eight years of trying to make it work, I know it's for the best for me and my children. Now, these are things I need to do for myself to get better, they're not for everyone. But maybe there are things that will help you to find some peace outside of your husband's active addiction. It's never easy to detach with love, but there are so many wonderful people on this forum, I'd recommend reading a lot of the older threads and see if there isn't advice therein to help you find some peace in your life outside your husband's addiction because as difficult as it is to swallow...there's nothing you can do the "fix" or "change" your AH. The best thing to do is let your husband deal with his addiction while you work on creating a peaceful, loving environment for you and your son outside of the addiction as best you can.
Please email me if you want to chat...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Children have been, and will continue to be removed from homes where drugs are present.
When I took in my now 32 year old AD temporarily after she served a lengthy jail term, I had boundaries in place.
I came home early one day from running errands. The stereo was blasting, the house reeked of pot, and she was in her bedroom with a man who eventually went to prison for molesting two 9 year old girls.
She was out the door before I got the number dialed for the police.
I have zero tolerance for drugs, liars, thieves, manipulators, and active addicts in my home.
When I took in my now 32 year old AD temporarily after she served a lengthy jail term, I had boundaries in place.
I came home early one day from running errands. The stereo was blasting, the house reeked of pot, and she was in her bedroom with a man who eventually went to prison for molesting two 9 year old girls.
She was out the door before I got the number dialed for the police.
I have zero tolerance for drugs, liars, thieves, manipulators, and active addicts in my home.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
welcome to sober recovery forum. this is wonderful site, with alot of information and support for us.
it is difficult to sort out what your "head" is telling you vs. your "gut". i am completely detached from your husband, and from what i read in your post, he is using, no question. addicts always know where their stuff is (re: the weed being from long ago).
my addict got clean several months ago. when a "flag" would pop up, when he had weird behavior, i would say something to him about it. i was on high alert, still hurting and sensitive from the using period that had just ended. his reaction was always the same: he would get a little hot, then calm down, and point the finger right at himself. he would say "of course i don't like it that you don't trust me. but i have no one to blame for this but myself. if it seems like i'm mad at you, i'm really just mad at myself."
i'm only partially using my example to point out that i think your husband is lying, cuz everyone's different. but he is.
what was in your mind, or what did you two talk about, reagarding a relapse, when he got clean & sober? you probably need to revisit that.
it is difficult to sort out what your "head" is telling you vs. your "gut". i am completely detached from your husband, and from what i read in your post, he is using, no question. addicts always know where their stuff is (re: the weed being from long ago).
my addict got clean several months ago. when a "flag" would pop up, when he had weird behavior, i would say something to him about it. i was on high alert, still hurting and sensitive from the using period that had just ended. his reaction was always the same: he would get a little hot, then calm down, and point the finger right at himself. he would say "of course i don't like it that you don't trust me. but i have no one to blame for this but myself. if it seems like i'm mad at you, i'm really just mad at myself."
i'm only partially using my example to point out that i think your husband is lying, cuz everyone's different. but he is.
what was in your mind, or what did you two talk about, reagarding a relapse, when he got clean & sober? you probably need to revisit that.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
Another point I should make is that with the "blindfolds off" so to speak, I set very strict boundaries for my daughters...boundaries that should have been in place from the beginning but I was in such a state of denial the only priority was my AH not my daughters. Now he is not allowed in the house with ANY illicit material when he comes to visit. I've told him if I find ANYTHING in my house or even "feel" he's using while with them, I will call the police and he won't see his daughters for a long, long, long time and until I can be sure he's clean (I think he now understands I WILL KEEP my promises). My point is, please be sure to keep strong boundaries for your son; he needs you to protect him in ways your husband cannot right now.
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