Andi

You know,

Sometimes people speak of having a ra-dar, gay-dar...I'm wondering is it possible to have an A-dar?

At a social event I got introduced to a man about a month ago, through a friend, because we are in a similar business.
We exchange cards and a few weeks later the guys asks to meet. Something tells me (call it female intuition if you will) that he's actually more interested in getting to know me better than doing business.
So anyway, we meet for lunch today and I see three red flags 1. he drinks 3 kirr royale in about 1 1/2 hrs time 2. his hands are trembling 3. he barely touches his food.
Is it possible that he was just very nervous and I'm over-reacting or "seeing things" as a newbie or ...

Hence, my question.

Horselover

I have sensed it in others also. I think intuition can be a powerful form of self communication. Just my opinion though.

least

I would say trust your intuition.

Walter

I don't think one lunch is enough. I think you will have a much better idea after a few more interactions. Definitely red flags as you said though..

HumbleBee

IMO, trust your instinct. When meeting a new person for lunch (or whatever kind of date) for the first time, usually people are nervous, but tend to try to be on their best behavior (3 drinks in 1.5 hours is alot, especially if you weren't drinking at all).

Before recovery, I was drawn to every problem drinker like a magnet hoping to fix them - thank God I don't do that anymore, but my instinct is pretty well on target when it comes to the red flag signs.

Perhaps he was drawn to your calm, sober demeanor? If so, you can be supportive, but I don't think it's anyone's job to save someone from themself.

NEOMARXIST

Absolutely. It takes one to know one! I used to be able to weed out the serious wreckheads pretty quickly at a gathering. I always warmed to the f*ckheads, that's what's strange about being in recovery as the straight-people I never used to warm towards. Oh well, never mind.

I guess I used to try to hang with the potential alkies! lol. I bet most of them are all tucked up in bed with wifey now and sipping a glass of Chardonnay on their patio with kid on the way, all happy and smiley and moderate.

I only met one person who truly drank/drug like me. I was with him on my last binge when I got sober. Diffcult to quite ever capture those times but they are gone. Shame there ain't more young alkies around willing to give it up yet! Too busy enjoying themselves

Toronto68

Andi, I think it's possible to trust our instincts about people in this way. I can think of the odd time somebody would want to warm up to me, and I couldn't figure out why. Bearing in mind, I have been told I don't give myself enough credit, I didn't see why they wanted to give me the time of day...I can think of a few individuals that probably gravitated toward me out of a kindred spirit over alcohol. A few times I wound up with alcohol adventurists if not addicts. (My first big love was an AA person.) I can also think of a couple of times that, paranoid or not, it seemed like somebody was hinting at me to be careful even though I rarely drank in front of others. One of those people was a bit of a mentor in a way, and I would rarely see that person with alcohol (could have been some moderation management at work or maybe it was non-alc beer; who knows). It's not a science, but intuition is a nice gift to possess.

Fandy

your warning bells were clanging for a reason....you can recognize it, you know what you have seen.

If you want to try again you might be wrong, but 3 drinks in 1.5 hours at LUNCH? and a first lunch whe,re you don't know each other?

do you really want to take on this extra burden? I myself, do not have the desire to keep picking up the strays, they take too much energy I should put into myself.

Rev

You felt a disturbance in the Force. He has been seduced by the Dark Side.

Seriously, who drinks three scotches at lunch? Unless it's 1956, I would call that a big red flag.

Rev

CarolD

If you are interested in seeing him again
for whatever reason.....

set up the meet in a coffee house...

I can spot a drinker easily...often by smell.
But I've had a lot of experience

I worked around alcohol...all my friends were excessive
drinkers ...and now......I've been in AA recovery for years.

suki44883

The fact that it caused you concern is reason enough to tread softly. He may not be an alcoholic, but seeing red flags on the first social meeting, makes it sound like he's not someone you would be comfortable with.

Fandy

Don Draper from Mad Men.....(or the Thin Man who was the original drinker at all hours)...only these guys aren't real people, they are fictional characters from TV and movies.

coffeenut

Yep, go with your gut.

yeahgr8

Like attracts like and you being a newbie, hes probably in love already;-)

I've been able to spot people like me for years, for me its not even the amount the drink or their behaviour but what they say and the way they say it...y'know small comments that others may overlook...

If you meet again, which as Carol said shouldn't be in a bar or restaurant for your sake at this stage listen to what he says and try and pick up on things, like when he is talking about his life, work, relations etc...more than often people are trying to tell you something without actually telling you, look for the litle comments at the end of the sentence or the comments made whilst he is laughing or joking it off...generally that is what the person is saying...interesting stuff!

Kmber2010

I agree with the others that you should meet in a non-alcohol environment. If he is knocking back that many at lunch and is meeting you for the first time then those are definite red flags. That is a just a wee much and definitely trust your gut. I have found when I listen to instinct then I am usually right.

penny74

l can walk into a room full of people and sense who is "one of us" straight away.

NoelleR

Just as sonar uses sound waves in searching, radar (no hyphen) uses radio waves (a transmitter and as receiver) for searching.....people do not have either sonar or radar capabilities. Gay-dar is a word that came about in the early 80's (82 specifically) and was used by folks who said they had the ability to recognize homosexuals through observation and/or intuition. It was meant as a joke. Can peopler really recognize gays (or any other non-visually defined group) just by observation and/or intuition.....consistantly......? Absolutely NOT. One may be correct sometimes, but not all the time.....

Therefore, just as people do not have sonar, nor do they have radar, nor do they have gay-dar, they also do not have A-dar (just as much as folks have gay-day...........LOLOL).


NoelleR

Andi

Thanks for replying,

I've been thinking about this some more today and I think I should definately go with my gut feeling. In this case meaning, I can't say 100% sure that he's an alcoholic, but I will be paying close attention.
Like Walter said earlier, meeting one time is not enough, and Carols suggestion of meeting in a non-alcoholic environment next time (if we do) would be the way to go. Have to add that those are hard to find around here! lol!

Humblebee, I was still drinking when we first met, not drunk yet when we talked so I remember that particular conversation ;-)). So if he recognized me as "one of the club" the other night, he must've been in for a big surprise now!! Hahahaha! But as Fandy also mentioned, normally you do try to be on your best behaviour when meeting one on one for a first time (especially).

Yeahgr8, gotcha will try to read between those lines, good point.

Hey Noelle, I get your point of not being able to be 100% sure (unless you get all the facts or the person actually tells you) and going along further, it would be judgmental of me if I was. But I do believe in intuition, gut feeling...should have listened to it more in the past. This being said, if my choice of words annoyed you in any way, I'm sorry.