What is the recommended time to wait before dating again?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
I've been meeting quite a few really nice women who are quality people, but I haven't started yet myself as it's only been about 10 months or so. Which sucks because when you aren't looking it seems like they come out of the woodwork, lol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by Duped 
I've been meeting quite a few really nice women who are quality people, but I haven't started yet myself as it's only been about 10 months or so. Which sucks because when you aren't looking it seems like they come out of the woodwork, lol.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sad#3
10 months? I don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. I might hang out here and drive y'all crazy.
Some others:
Take a class
See a therapist
Go to Alanon
Do volunteer work
Join a club
Try a new hobby
Meditate
These are some of the things I "did with myself." I'm sure others have suggestions, too.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by sad#3
I don't know what to do with myself in the meantime.
But seriously though...learn how to tango, or swing, or...anything that'll get you moving!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
As for what to do with myself:
I am working on the couch-to-5k program and want to run some races this summer. I won't be fast, but just knowing that I am capable of running the 3 miles helps my state of equilibrium and self-confidence.
As to dating, I am still an emotional wreck. I am not yet divorced but men are asking me out and I know I am not ready as I panic at the thought of anything more than friendship. I don't have my bearings at all.
I have been separated (physically, residentially, etc) for 8 months.
I am working on the couch-to-5k program and want to run some races this summer. I won't be fast, but just knowing that I am capable of running the 3 miles helps my state of equilibrium and self-confidence.
As to dating, I am still an emotional wreck. I am not yet divorced but men are asking me out and I know I am not ready as I panic at the thought of anything more than friendship. I don't have my bearings at all.
I have been separated (physically, residentially, etc) for 8 months.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
I believe I have to get my own house in order before entering a relationship. I don't want to make the same mistake again and choose the wrong person or be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. I've repeated that mistake over and over again and it's time to break the cycle. I'm quite happy being single right now because I at least have serenity.
When I look back, I have bounced from one dysfunctional relationship to another, all because I feared being alone. At least now, perhaps I've grown a bit because I don't fear being alone, I embrace it. Hopefully that is a positive step in my personal evolution.
When I look back, I have bounced from one dysfunctional relationship to another, all because I feared being alone. At least now, perhaps I've grown a bit because I don't fear being alone, I embrace it. Hopefully that is a positive step in my personal evolution.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by stella27
As for what to do with myself:
I am working on the couch-to-5k program and want to run some races this summer.
I am working on the couch-to-5k program and want to run some races this summer.
Sad, are you two divorced yet? I forget.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
There are many more wise ones here than me...but here is my opinion. I filed 2 weeks ago; STBRAH has been out of the house 3 months, but my heart and mind-knew it was over more than 2 years ago. I have done what other have already mentioned-I'm very athletic; have been in individual therapy now for 2 years...I think there are guidelines and then there is what your heart tells you. I say if you want to go out with someone with limits and boundaries-that's a good thing.
I am in this moment right now. I don't put pressure on myself to "see" anyone, nor do I put pressure on myself to "find" a replacement. The only requirement I have right now is not to be pressured into anything. If I feel someone pressuring me-then I know it isn't right for me. Sounds simple-but it really works, because uncomfortable pressure can be too similar to control and dominance and "should's".
Do only what is good and right for you at this time.:day6
I am in this moment right now. I don't put pressure on myself to "see" anyone, nor do I put pressure on myself to "find" a replacement. The only requirement I have right now is not to be pressured into anything. If I feel someone pressuring me-then I know it isn't right for me. Sounds simple-but it really works, because uncomfortable pressure can be too similar to control and dominance and "should's".
Do only what is good and right for you at this time.:day6
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
many "experts" say to wait a year. not a year with her still living under the same roof; that doesn't count.
my therapist told me that i have been, in essence, alone for a very long time, and he see no reason to wait. i talked about desiring to date as a way to further extricate myself from my relationship, to distract myself and stay strong in my decision, and to just know that i am attractive to others.
i haven't started yet, because of the voice inside that says it's too soon. but i did get a profile together, to test the waters and see who is out there.
i picked up smoking last year when my anxiety over xabf was so high. i have not yet put it down. of course, many people have "no smoke" on their want list. so the other day i was thinking of when i could edit "occasional smoker" to "no smoke", because it would open up doors to people who don't want a smoker. and for me as well -- i don't want a smoker! that led me to realize there are other things about me - TODAY - that i hope to change, and that in the future i will be more like this or that.
so that helped to clarify that the me that i hope and intend to be a short distance down the road, is the me that i want others to meet and possibly befriend.
there are many good reasons for waiting.
my therapist told me that i have been, in essence, alone for a very long time, and he see no reason to wait. i talked about desiring to date as a way to further extricate myself from my relationship, to distract myself and stay strong in my decision, and to just know that i am attractive to others.
i haven't started yet, because of the voice inside that says it's too soon. but i did get a profile together, to test the waters and see who is out there.
i picked up smoking last year when my anxiety over xabf was so high. i have not yet put it down. of course, many people have "no smoke" on their want list. so the other day i was thinking of when i could edit "occasional smoker" to "no smoke", because it would open up doors to people who don't want a smoker. and for me as well -- i don't want a smoker! that led me to realize there are other things about me - TODAY - that i hope to change, and that in the future i will be more like this or that.
so that helped to clarify that the me that i hope and intend to be a short distance down the road, is the me that i want others to meet and possibly befriend.
there are many good reasons for waiting.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I don't think there is a recommended time that can work for everyone, we are each different.
Me? They told me a year. But I was bored and lonely, so I started dating a charming young red-head at 6 months. Bored and lonely are not the right reasons to go dating, because inside I was just not yet comfortable with being alone with myself. That relationship was a mess, but I learned a lot from it and we're still very good friends.
I waited a little more, then dated a fascinating blonde. That went much better but I was still not ready. She's a very good friend today.
Eventually I stopped looking for somebody to date. I got very busy with commitements at my meetings, I got back into doing my art, got a better job and a nice condo that needed fixing up. Made some new friends and was hanging out with them. It got to where I _liked_ my life just the way it was, and I was perfectly happy with the new me I had discovered. In fact, I started thinking that maybe I didn't _want_ the complications of dating after all, being single was turning out to be a whole lotta fun.
Then I met this half-biker, half-marine chick. Entirely by accident. She was kinda interesting, in her aggresive, in-your-face kind of way. Didn't even _think_ of dating her, she was just a lot of fun to have around when a bunch of us would go out for coffee after a meeting. She was a whole lotta fun when we'd go hiking, or when there was a sober-party at somebody's house.
The relationship just kinda grew on it's own. We're going on three years and it's working _great_. (ok, so it's not perfect, but pretty durn close)
So for me the answer is that I was ready to start dating again when I no longer _needed_ to be dating again.
Mike
Me? They told me a year. But I was bored and lonely, so I started dating a charming young red-head at 6 months. Bored and lonely are not the right reasons to go dating, because inside I was just not yet comfortable with being alone with myself. That relationship was a mess, but I learned a lot from it and we're still very good friends.
I waited a little more, then dated a fascinating blonde. That went much better but I was still not ready. She's a very good friend today.
Eventually I stopped looking for somebody to date. I got very busy with commitements at my meetings, I got back into doing my art, got a better job and a nice condo that needed fixing up. Made some new friends and was hanging out with them. It got to where I _liked_ my life just the way it was, and I was perfectly happy with the new me I had discovered. In fact, I started thinking that maybe I didn't _want_ the complications of dating after all, being single was turning out to be a whole lotta fun.
Then I met this half-biker, half-marine chick. Entirely by accident. She was kinda interesting, in her aggresive, in-your-face kind of way. Didn't even _think_ of dating her, she was just a lot of fun to have around when a bunch of us would go out for coffee after a meeting. She was a whole lotta fun when we'd go hiking, or when there was a sober-party at somebody's house.
The relationship just kinda grew on it's own. We're going on three years and it's working _great_. (ok, so it's not perfect, but pretty durn close)
So for me the answer is that I was ready to start dating again when I no longer _needed_ to be dating again.
Mike
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by anvilhead
286 days.
KIDDING. sad, take as much time as you need to heal and renew...dating will happen when it happens......there's no rush.....work on yourself and believe the more shall be revealed.
KIDDING. sad, take as much time as you need to heal and renew...dating will happen when it happens......there's no rush.....work on yourself and believe the more shall be revealed.
so, a long time.
you will know when it is time sad.
like desert eyes said, you can date when you no longer need to date.
Beth
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