humblestudent

Sorry first for the whiney post. I need to vent a bit. I have 111 days. My h asked me at the start if I wanted him to quit drinking, and I said no. I mean, why should I ruin his fun, right? I'm the one with the problem. So, basically he and I had built a social life on the weekends all around drinking. So, at first, I thought I would just continue to be around them all and just not drink, and learn to react differently to triggers, etc. Well, it's just awful. I have the worst time. At my worst, I am jealous of how they all think the stupidest thing is funny. I don't think anything or anyone is funny. At my best, I'm simply bored to death. So, I get crabby and just hate life on the weekends, with the nice combo platter of missing the illusion of letting my hair down and simultaneously watching others let their hair down while I can't. I feel like I am outside of EVERYTHING looking in. And my h is drinking right along with them. I see this as a fundamental problem. He does not. He is tired of me telling him how I feel. He is getting upset with me for having a miserable time at these events. It's hard for me to even be nice to anyone, though I am. I usually get to the point where I have to go somewhere and cry because of the pressure, and he is a million miles away joking and laughing with everyone after who knows how many beers. I'm honestly questioning why the hell I quit in the first place. I mean, my life still sucks, just for a different set of reasons. But now I am painfully and fully aware of every sucky frustrating moment. And I'm not dealing with it well. At all.

Dee74

Welcome to the 90-120 day period HS. I was exactly the same way - irritated, cranky, everyone who drank annoyed me, the fact I couldn't annoyed me....

Things got better, after that month, and I returned to an equilibrium. I've never been quite so crazy since.

As for what you're asking...I can't tell you what to do. But be sure of your motivations.
You know the saying misery loves company? It doesn't LOL. You might just get two annoyed resentful people

I'll go out on a limb here and say it's not your husband who has the problem HS - so I'm not entirely sure why you think it's up to him to try and do something to 'fix' it?

Like I say I dunno the dynamics here...but most of the time I've wanted other people to change...it's always been for me...

most of the time I end up finding that I should be working on changing me.
D

least

You are still in early sobriety. Give yourself time to calm down, to find some emotional balance. You will start feeling better, I promise. :ghug3

Mark75

I'm with Dee... Having fun in situations where you used to drink and everyone else is... well, it took a bit longer than 4 months for me. A nice stew of self pity and resentment to go with your combo platter ...

I would suggest to your husband if I were given the chance... Hey, dude, your wife is trying to recover from alcoholism, which is a little different than just not drinking, so, uh... how about takin' her to a movie or somethin'?

Yep, it's our problem as the alcoholic to work on our own recovery. Perhaps part of that job for you, now, is to stay away from events whose primary purpose is to get hammered. Maybe invite your husband out for a nice dinner (most places, I've found, have free refills on non alcoholic drinks!! ) and a movie.

Maybe he'll get the hint.

Mark

Doodledog

Hi HS,

I'll second all of the above...the 90-120 day period stinks. You just have to push through it, try to find a way to do some nice things for yourself and work your program. I found that AA meetings helped. Could always find a sympathetic face there. When I look back at my journal entries at that time -- whew! What a crank!

It will get better.

ddog

Freeport

I went through this, too, and didn't realize it was symptomatic of 90-120 days. Homo sapiens generally has irritated me since I was a youth, so I just chalked it up to that character flaw (the species' character flaw, not mine!), but I will say that as the past six months have passed, that irritation factor when I'm sober and everyone else is drinking has dwindled a fair bit. Mostly me being more accepting of my sobriety, I believe, not anything those folks are doing differently.

Attended my first baseball game yesterday at a new ballpark. Wonderful experience, even though it felt like 80 percent of the crowd was inebriated. I love the game but our national pastime and drinking sure seem to go hand-in-hand.

My advice would be to become a little less "humble" about your sobriety. You don't need to flaunt it, but be personally proud of your decision to remain clear-headed and sober while other around you get drunk, stupid, and ultimately unhealthy. You may find yourself mingling with different people sooner than later.

55438

Hi Humblestudent,

Isn't is amazing how boring drunks can be when you are sober? I try to see what was so attractive about that lifestyle but can only see the facades - humor, intimacy, true friendship. Even the potential for mutual, shared experiences isn't real when it is centered around drinking too much alcohol.

I agree with Mark - could you ask for more variety in your weekends? At least one activity together that is not involving alcohol.

Hope things get better.

55438

yeahgr8

Sounds like a boring weekend to me...

I do see where you are coming from though, i had the reverse of this in the latter days of drinking i was ready to kill myself, it was, in my mind, a logical decision as i couldnt stand the living hell anymore...so you are on the other side, dry and thinking **** this i might as well drink this is awful...which to an alcoholic is tantamount to suicide, may takes 1 day may take 50 years...

I like the posts but i think you are in quite a bit of trouble and need to get some help pretty quick, what are you using as a program of recovery? I'm not sure if keep going and you will be fine is going to help much...i could be wrong though and if i am keep going and you will be fine;-)

FuzzyFatSacks

That sounds like a horrible weekend and I feel for you. You've got a couple more months under your belt than I do and right now I'm trying to avoid drinking situations like the plague I fear the anxiety. Maybe it's way too soon for you to be putting yourself in that situation?

Like Mark said, maybe you should suggest some non-drinking things for you, your husband and friends to do. A movie, bowling, whatever you're into. Hopefully your husband could make a night for you to do sober things and then he could have a night with your friends to drink. Somewhat of a compromise.

Do you have any sober friends you can hang out with? On the nights they drink you should try to find something else to do because it sounds flat out awful watching everyone drink while you're miserable!!

*hugs*

Rev

Personally, I haven't been able to stand drinking/drunk people while sober EVER, before or after my choice to quit. However, I do think that maybe you're being too accomodating. I understand about not wanting to push your new perspective on your husband (when I became vegetarian, my wife got really defensive about it because she thought I would try to "convert" her too; took a little talking to sort that out), but at the same time, the marriage is for BOTH of you, and you should do things in your leisure time that are fun for BOTH of you.

Also, I think hanging out in the same environment and conditions that used to support your drinking problem is putting alot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. If your spouse means it when they say they're supportive, then they can take a hit for the team and skip the weekend partying for awhile to try new things that don't add to your stress level in recovery.

Just my 2¢

Rev

Anna

Yes, it took me longer than 4 months to be able to be around people who were drinking and not feel incredibly miserable. I hope you hang in there and do what you need to do for yourself to stay sober.

Mark75

I kinda agree with Cliff (yeahgr8) there, since he mentioned it, I will too. There are some red flags in your post....

Have you started to work a recovery program? AA is what I use and it's all about helping me with my life without alcohol. There are others. Counseling maybe? I hate to read messages like yours with the suffering goin' on. Sobriety is not supposed to suck.

Mark

smacked

after going on 2 years of sobriety, I have yet to enjoy time with people drinking, drugging, or otherwise 'buzzed' to socialize. I had to make new friends, develop new activities in my life.. active drunks are toxic to my recovery, and nothing stands in the way of that!

timbo555

Your post suggests that all of your relationships have become baffling to you, yes? Well, that's because you seem to be devoting a lot of energy towards so many circumstances beyond your control. And yet there is a promise in the big book that says: "You will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle you."

If you are doing exactly what is necessary for your sobriety, then nothing else matters. Period. If your husband loves you, he won't insist that you go to these parties. If he does insist, then he doesn't understand. If you had cancer, and your friends made light of your radiation or chemo treatments, then you wouldn't consider them friends, would you?

Chronic, progressive, and nearly always fatal; what’s the difference between this disease and any other, exactly?

I would stop paying attention to their problems and let them have their parties. You go to a meeting instead. If these are parties that they expect you to attend, then that's all the more reason not to attend them. Take care of yourself. You are no good to anyone drunk.

Finally:

"Whenever I allow myself to become dependent on what other people say to me or about me for my own well being and peace of mind, I'm screwed, because I have handcuffed myself to people and situations over which I have no control, and I’m bound to get hurt". Stop paying attention to so called friends who don't mean you well.

humblestudent

thank you for all of your replies. I'm having a hard day today. this is nascar camping weekend. and i told him my feelings last weekend, and his solution was simply that I not go (but he should go, because he looks forward to it and enjoys it). so that felt to me like he was saying that his feelings are more important than mine, and my only choices are to go and be miserable, or stay home alone while he is off having his fun knowing that he chose the environment over me. any way you look at it - that just sucks. oh - and he couldn't even wait until today to go together. nope - he had to leave last night. what is that? neither option there is a positive, in my book. and it's hard to take. and he was a huge reason i quit. for him. yes, yes i know this is all wrong, but it's the truth. i was sick of myself and i knew he was sick of the drinking. but isn't it ironic that i make this change, and it's still on some level not good enough? now I'm supposed to be happy and smiling while he basically chooses his good time over what is obviously very difficult for me. And I've been the good sport for months now, but it's getting old. But maybe i deserve it for all the crap i put him through with the drinking. i don't know. i'm not going to drink. but i just feel like sh@t.

Horselover

I can see why you would be frustrated with his decision HS, BUT I also see why they say getting sober has to be for you and no one else. I haven't always understood that because my main drive was my son. If we get sober for someone other then ourselves we stand to lose all that work we put into recovery because there's always an easy excuse or way out. He pisses me off. He stresses me out. He doesn't understand me. He drove me to drink. We give a lot of ammunition to our disease if we don't take the reins and decide that we deserve sobriety for ourselves. I am really, really sorry HS because I can feel the pain when I read your post, but you have to dig deep and find yourself worthy of being sober for your own reasons. Why did you quit? Was it really only for him? You said you felt like crap. I did too when I was drinking towards the end. I was killing myself with the every night drinking. As a woman we are only suppose to have what 1 glass of liquor? I was waaaaay over that and every night. I was really upping the odds of getting cancer.

I really think it boils down to looking into your motivation for becoming sober and what has been good in your life since you became sober. Has your energy returned? Are you less anxious? Do you sleep better?

You have the time with him not home to really look into this. Maybe this is why you were meant to have this time. A little time with ourselves can be blessing.

Houndheart

HL said a it's good to have a little time "with ourselves"....(and not "by ourselves"). That is a good way to look at it. If we feel we are by ourselves...we feel alone. If we get to enjoy our own company and feel that we are "with ourselves"...it's a much better, less lonely place to be. A good time to commune with ourselves. Especially in early sobriety.

Sorry, I do hear your pain though HS.

humblestudent

i have to say that it just feels really good to be able to be honest about this with you guys, and to have your input in helping me sort through this. thank you so much. i'm gearing up to leave to join him at the campsite. thanks again to all of you and hugs.