rdy4change

So, it's been quite some time since I posted but progress on lots of counts that I thought I'd share. First, and most importantly....I dropped STBEX off at treatment yesterday. I'm praying he sticks it out the full 28 days. But, now what? Now, I still say 'one day at a time' because I know that each day he's there is a blessing but that he's free to leave on his own at any time.

Now...the rest of the story. I am set to close on a townhouse at the end of the month which obviously there is no turning back. Yay. Additionally, I had a court date set for the 27th of this month which I pushed back to May. Two reasons...the first because I figure that no judge is going to grant the divorce (even though it is in default) when one spouse clearly can't be present and the other because even if he does come out of treatment I feel it is in my and DD best interest to be moved out of the house when the divorce takes place. Safety.

He knows I'm moving...in fact, he thinks that after treatment and when we lose our house in Sept. that he'll be moving in with us. Ummmm...haven't had the guts to tell him that isn't the case. When I look back at our marriage I feel that it was over LONG ago and almost that his drinking just became the final straw that gave me the gumption to leave. So...having said that. I'm 99% sure I want completely out of this marriage.

Can anyone (perhaps someone in recovery) provide any insight on this? Meaning - do I skirt around the issue while he's in treatment...do I talk to his counselor and ask their advice so they can assist him with the transition while he's there? I'm afraid that if he knows the truth he'll jump off the treatment train early. I KNOW I can't control him...I KNOW this is only one day in and that he may or may not quit drinking...I KNOW that he has to want this for himself but I want to be sensitive for DD sake. Now friends are telling me that I "shouldn't be completely moved out when he comes home - think of how that would make him feel. To come home to your home with wife, daughter and stuff gone...that will make him drink for sure". OK...but what about me?? I look at it like...if he's going to drink again it won't matter when or why...he just will. Right?

freefalling

Absolutely right. Well-meaning friends that never lived with or studied addiction can make wrong assumptions.
He will do what he wants to do - regardless of whether you are there or not. Do what is best for you.This has been about him for long enough now.

I think it would be wise to speak to his councelor. They will know what is best for your situation. They deal with break-ups daily (from what they told me when husband was in rehab#4.)

KeepPedaling

If you buy a house before the divorce, will he be able to claim half of it in the divorce?

KeepPedaling

Also, I would tell him now, while he's in treatment. There are counselors there that can help him work through it, right?

rdy4change

Pedaling...he won't be able to because it will be in my dad's name because my credit is now shot.

AH does seem to be at terms with the fact that I'm moving out...keeps asking me about it and says that he'll help when he's back. But, that was 'then' and this will be 'now".

NYC_Chick

My mother told my father she wanted a divorce when he was in rehab. He still drank after. Not her problem. He still drinks today.

tjp613

I agree that he should be told ASAP, but consult with the counselors there first! They can help mediate the meeting then be there to soften his fall afterwards. The rest is up to him.

Best of luck to you! ((Hugs))

FindingPeace1

Just work on taking care of your needs and being real and honest with him about your feelings and leave
his reaction
his possible response
his feelings
his upset
for him to take care of.
You are doing a great job.
Trust that he can take care of himself, because he can.

Hugs and Peace.

naive

i feel not telling him would be shielding him from the consequences of his drinking.

the reality is that you and DD are moving out.
the reality is that your new house is not in his name.
the reality is that you have concerns for your safety.
the reality is your finances are shot. etc. etc.

these are difficult decisions that you have made in order to safeguard yourself and DD from the spiraling consequences of his drinking.

i feel it is best that he knows (and hopefully understands) that you are making these moves not to hurt him or abandon him but because at this stage, you must keep yourself safe.

we don't do them any favors by shielding them from the consequences of their drinking. he has an opportunity to look at his role in this situation while in rehab. he might step up to the plate or he might continue in his denial.

if you tell him, he at least knows where he stands and can make plans accordingly. if you don't tell him, he won't be prepared. if it was me, i would want to know that when i get out of rehab, i need to have a place to live. i would need to make arrangements. you leave him at a disadvantage if you don't tell him and i feel you also would put yourself in a situation where you feel you have to take him in, as he has no where to go.

so, my vote is tell him and he can make his own plans. it's hard, i know, but that seems fair.

naive

BadCompany

Let him know asap. Do it during the week during business hours while his counselors are there. If he's there for real he can start working on getting a half way house lined up and if he's just there for show he can leave now and stop wasting everyones time.

rdy4change

No worries now I guess. He came home already last night. Made it a whopping 24 hours. "It's not for me" he said.

Well, I can honestly say I did all I could. Hell, I even drove him there - I didn't want to but I did.

This is it for him....he'll never go now. He's going to die - I know it. His health has been deteriorating for months. No job, won't have a house, no wife & daughter, no money, no 'stuff'. And after the divorce, no insurance. Had a 'free pass' to a world renowned treatment facility and couldn't last a day.

So many things have run through my mind in the past 12 hours. And I'm sorry, but if one more person tells me - he's sick, it's a disease, he doesn't know what he's doing. I'm going to SCREAM!

The next week or two should be interesting. I'm hoping that by May 1...DD and I are living a happy, worry free life.

nodaybut2day

Ugh I'm so sorry things have gone this way. *HUGS*

Regarding this: he's sick, it's a disease, he doesn't know what he's doing
In this instance, nope, he knew FULL WELL what he was doing when he walked out. His choice.

Now you can make yours.

Again, I'm sending you as many virtual hugs as this poor keyboard can muster