outonalimb

I've been a member here for a long time but haven't posted much lately. I really need to reach out to my SR family right now. I feel pretty lost.

To make a VERY long story short, my exah is a recovering heroin addict. Clean about 3 years now. We were working on reconciliation. My exah was still drinking every day but he was a high functioning alcoholic just like he was before the heroin problem set in. We had many fights and disagreements about it and although I love him dearly, the mere fact of his alcohol use kept me from fully committing to the relationship. I lived in the land of indecision. I mean, he was happy, thoughtful, working hard, considerate, helpful...so many things I wanted him to be...but he still drank and I just couldn't get past this issue but I tried to be happy for the good times and decide what to do on a day to day basis.

My son has been extremely happy to have his dad in our home again and this carries alot of weight with me. His happiness means more to me than my own.

Well..

Things have gone south.

About 3 weeks ago, my exah started hearing voices. The signs were gradual at first. But in the last three weeks, things had become too bizarre for me to handle. In the last few days, he reported seeing cameras in the trees around our home...he said he saw three men in camoflauge outfits in the trees....he believes neighbors from 3 or 4 houses near us are conspiring to rape me and kill us. He believes they follow us around and that they hear our every word and know our every action.

Yesterday, I had him involuntarily committed to a psych ward. He hasn't been officially diagnosed yet but I truly believe he has paranoid schizophrenia.

He had an incident VERy similar to this just before I left and divorced him 5 years ago. I attributed his condition ot his drug use.

Looking back, I think he's been suffering with this illness for a long time now and that he probably used drugs to medicate himself.

On one hand, this is a relief if true because maybe now he can get the help he really needs.

On the other hand, this feels like a huge blow because I am just so tired and worn out. How much can one person deal with? How many crosses do I have to bear in order too try and do the right thing by my son and my exah? Whats right for me? Whats right for our son?

I've been on this treadmill for so long. I've done alot of things to make my life better and insulate myself from his issues...I divorced him, worked hard to buy my own home in order to give my son and I a stable life. I've allowed him back into our lives gradually over the last 2 or 3 years but I've always had this feeling like I was doing everything to make things right for our son and him and not being true to what is right for me.

Now this.

I am scared of this disease. I am scared that treatment wont be successful. I honesly don't know what to expect...how to feel...what to think.

I don't even know what I"m saying here...or where I am going with any of this. I just needed to reach out to my SR family.

I don't know.
Maybe you could just send up some prayers for me, my exah and our son.

Sorry this post is so long. If you've made it this far, thank you.

Ann

Awww, Limb, this is so sad. My sponsor's ex (who was also an alcoholic) also had this disease (schizophrenia) and he was okay as long as he took his medication, however he didn't like the feeling the medication caused so stopped (and started and stopped several time) and when he didn't take it, he became a person she needed to protect herself from. Sadly, here in Canada you cannot force a person to take medication, nor can you force them into treatment except for 72 hours evaluation, and nothing you do can make him better.

I don't share that to scare you, or him, but I think it's important to face this square on.

I'm sure the severity may vary from person to person, so perhaps talking with a medical/psychological professional will give you better insight.

If you cannot live with this situation, it's best to just be honest with yourself and with him.

My prayers go out for all of you. How sad this disease is, and sadly people who have it often fall between the cracks as far as help or treatment is concerned.

Hugs

Seren

Oh, no, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. If he indeed is paranoid schizophrenic, he is exactly where he needs to be right now. My prayers go out for you, him and your whole family.

HG

outonalimb

Ann,

Thank you so much for your reply. I seriously need a life-line right now and I appreciate your thoughts and concern.

My first priority is my son.
I did a pretty good job of insulating him from this problem over the last three weeks. I honesly don't believe my exah would hurt either one of us but his behavior would really scare and traumatize our son. And I was afraid he might act out against one of the neighbors. I had no choice but to have him committed yesterday. I know it was the right thing to do.

But now what?
What do I do?

It seems cruel and inhumane to say he can't return home. Even if the doctors manage to stabilize him before he is released, I cannot and will not do anything that might jeopardize our son's well being.

His brother says Tim can stay with him for a few days if necessary but he can't move in there.

My exah will fall through the cracks without alot of support. I realize this. And yet, I have to do what is right for me and our son.

More than anything, I'm just feel so defeated right now. I wonder how much more I can take. I have to go to work today...I have so much going on and yet I just can't stop crying. Maybe work will take my mind off this for a while but the problem will be waiting for me when I get off.

I have to be smart.
I have to handle this the right way.
I just don't know if I have the strength but I guess I have to come up with it somehow.

Much love...
Mary

outonalimb

Thanks to you too hydrogirl. Your kind words mean alot to me this morning.

Ann

Limb, is there a schizophrenia support group that may be able to help you, or help him? If not, maybe a mental health group?

I understand how hard it is to enforce a boundary right now, but maybe just take it one day at a time and see what other help or options may be available. I say that to help you deal with this and the fact that he cannot do this for himself right now.

This is big, but you're a strong brave woman and I know you will do what is right for you.

Hugs

Callie

Outto - Man...sorry you're dealing with THIS now! The underlying tone that I'm hearing here is your son and the well being of your exah without you to help him.

For me, I to focused ALOT on keeping a family intact. My kids adore AH - but it got to be too much. It got to the point that I couldn't 'cover' for him to them anymore. They're 9. My AH and I went to counseling about 8 years ago with a great therapist. She thought AH was bipolar back then. She thought he was 'self medicating' as well. Nobody can know this though until he was off of drugs. Well, that never happened.

Would it be possible for him to stay with a friend, his parents anywhere else other than with you? I would not want him back in the house until he's stabilized, if they can stabilize him. Is it possible for you to make a boundary that he gets in therapy/takes meds or whatever? The drama sounds very draining and know how quickly it can suck the life right out of you. I know you worry about him and your son, but you've gotta worry about you too. What happens to both of them if YOU crack?

Your AH is a grown man. I'd suggest directing him towards therapy/treatment whatever it is that he needs and gently hand the reigns back to him. I know that I always felt better if AH was on the right path...then I could step back and let go a bit...Until I jumped back in again because he was making a wrong turn.

Take care of yourself and your son and sorry you're going through this. You're a stong person and I know you'll do what is best for you and your son.

outonalimb

Thank you so much, Callie.

When the behavior started a few weeks back, I thought maybe he had relapsed but didn't believe it because he's been so committed to NOT using drugs. I just couldn't imagine he'd gone back. He has been so happy OFF the drugs...

The drug screens at the hospital were clean so drugs aren't the problem.

Tim's parents are dead. He has two brothers. One of them is in no position or condition to help and the other one says he'll let him stay a few days but thats it. I respect his position..but it sure leaves me between a rock and a hard place.

My exah just called and he is madder than hell.

The only thing I know for sure at this point is that I cannot go back to the daily chaos and insanity. I lived with it for a long time before leaving and divorcing my exah. I cherish peace in my life too much. So something has to give here...Even if he gets out and he is stable, it doesn't mean he'll stay that way. I have to be realistic. And if protecting myself and our son means being cruel to my exah, I guess I have to take option no. 2 but it feels horrible.

One day at a time. Right? Thats all I have to do. I just have to get thru today and deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

Thanks for the support...

Callie

My exah just called and he is madder than hell.

I had to laugh at this. When my AH went to holding (jail) when he appeared before the judge he was madder than heck at me for not bailing him out. He was STEAMED. In the end though, later he said he knew it was for the best.

And if protecting myself and our son means being cruel to my exah, I guess I have to take option no. 2 but it feels horrible.


Divorcing my AH felt terrible to me. He's been in jail (judge revoked bond until his hearing) for 3 weeks now. He's clean. He has called a few times, written letters etc. Just as you said, your AH may be ok for a while, but for ME I would want him doing it himself out from under my roof. I could no longer take the insanity. I couldn't take the unknown anymore. I do still care about him, but the chaos is too much.

I'm assuming they'll keep him for 3 days?? I'm not sure what the next options are, but I hope you put your son AND yourself first.

outonalimb

Thanks Callie.....

Divorcing my exah WAS very hard but it was the right thing to do.

Now I'm faced with the same situation although the dyamics are different.

I wanted to believe he would make it. And he was making it. And somehow, enforcing a boundary seems tougher when the reason for it is a mental illness and not drug use. Anger and blame were a motivating factor when it was drug use. Now I'm just left with self-preservation. Can't be mad at a mentally ill person. Crap.

MsPINKAcres

Limb

Hate so much that you are going thru this - hate it for you, your son and exAH -

I noticed that you said "Can't be mad at a mentally ill person" but you know what - you can still have your "anger"

You were at a place in your life where things were starting to go pretty well and poof along comes another bump in the road - yep I'd be angry, mad, ticked off, . . .

Maybe those emotions are directed specifically AT your ex - but they are still your feelings and you have a right to feel them. Remember feelings are neither good, bad, nor ugly - they just ARE.

In my experience - I had to feel my emotions, process them (journal, vent, praying, scream, take an imaginary chain saw to a quacking pine tree - ya know the normal things - ha ha ha) so I could clear my mind, heart and spirit.

Then I felt I was open to hearing what the God of my understanding would be leading me to do as my next step on this path in my life.

I agree with Ann - we found support groups for dealing with the addiction/alcoholism - I think a support group for the mental illness would have it's benefits too.

HUGS to you (with lots of prayers and good thoughts too)
Rita

tam

my AH (his name is tim too) is bipolar, diagnosed 12 years ago while being
addicted to crack. He was treated in a dual diagnosis center and did very
well for about 8 years. He took his medications all the time and was stable
and I was able to live with it. I did not attend any meetings though regarding
mental illness. sadly, he again is addicted (dr.prescribed pain meds) and I will
tell you that it is very common for mentally ill patients to have addiction problems as they like to self medicate to feel "on top of the world".
I would suggest you keep in contact with tim and the medical staff to see
how he is progressing on his meds. If you dont see him improving or stable,you might want to talk to the facility and see if there is a place for him to stay (my husband went to a daily outpatient facility) but I dont think letting him come home would be healthy for you and the children if he isnt stable which can take a long time to achieve. wishing you the best,stay strong and take it one day at a time

Chino

A childhood friend of mine was diagnosed schizophrenic and eventually a danger to himself. He went to live in a mental health facility - much like a halfway house - but it was still too much freedom for him. His parents had him declared legally incompetent and he became a ward of the court. He now lives in a state run facility.

Please speak to the social worker at the hospital about options.

86753091

My AD hears the voices. Well, it's always just the same voice - but that's another story for her therapist to deal with. She has these episodes occasionally, usually after a binge of smoking crack or meth. I consider these episodes "psychotic breaks" from reality. I understand your fears. I'm always afraid that this episode will be the one that kills her before she comes out of it. (for her - about 6 to 8 weeks with medical assistance)

In my struggles I have found NAMI. National Alliance on Mental Illness. Some cities have fully staffed offices and some have answering machines. But they all have support groups for individuals and friends and family. They can also be instrumental in working as a go between for the family and the health care providers durring these critical times when medical care is urgent. (Nami.org)

And someone in the support group may be able to share there experiences with the different living situations available in your area.

Remember to breathe a healing breath of strength into yourself.

You're in my prayers.

CB

MrsMagoo

Hi Mary! So sorry. You've been through alot.

I have a brother that is a paranoid schizophrenic and we have not seen or heard from him in years. When my Dad died, he had not yet been diagnosed. I thought he had a bit of a breakdown personally but realized very soon that this was more than just denial.

At first I tried rationalizing with him and soon realized, by the look in his eyes, that that was not going to happen. He deteriorated and mom took him to a pscyhiatrist. He was put in a "home" and did well on meds but soon, as others have indicated, didn't like the way they made him feel, refused the meds and walked out the door. I beleive he has made a few scary appearances but without the proper medical treatment, interventions and environment, he was off and on his own.

I expect he might show up on my doorstep one day. I don't know how I'll react and I guess it will depend on how lucid he is. That day I confronted him and recognized that "look" in his eyes, he had yelled at my daughter and scared the Bejesus out of her. I think she was about 8 and she thought he walked on water. We were nose to nose, eye to eye and I have to say, I was afraid. He was also drinking very heavily, every applicance, tv and stereo in the house was on. Eventually I was told that it was to drown out "the voices".

Although I know virtually nothing about the disease except what I've shared, it is my understanding that keeping a P.S. medicated is difficult because they cannot appreciate the benefit of taking the meds. Do some research. Make phone calls and someone mentioned a support group (great idea!). You and your son will need to be armed with all the information you can get whether he moves back into your home or lives somewhere else.

Blessings and prayers to you and your son. One day at a time, one moment at a time.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Limb)))

First, I really cannot imagine dealing with this directly in my life, so what I have to share may have absolutely no relevance.

First, one thing that jumps out at me (taking out of context) is the feeling of enough is enough. I know that feeling well. Life and time marches on and at some point, we finally manage to take control and then the idea that something (like this) might come along and make us feel out of control... I can't imagine. Actual psychosis on top of addiction issues, Oh my - lions and tigers and bears too In the same position, I know I would feel conflicted.

I feel that, for I was truly at the end of my rope when I left my XAH, tired of giving up my time and life to "rescue, save, give comfort, etc..." to someone who was doing nothing to participate. Add something that is totally out of control (i.e. not a disease that was "caused") and I can only imagine that feeling of being cornered.

One of my best friend's in school growing up - she had 2 sisters and a brother. I was fairly close to all of them and as her brother got older it turned out he was a paranoid schizophrenic. It was difficult, but the entire family let him deal with his life. Not without compassion, but they were not equipped and he was of legal adult age (in his late 20's and early 30's). They didn't cause it (altho they wish they could have prevented it, if possible), they couldn't control it (it was beyond the capabilities of Mother, Father and siblings), and they couldn't cure it. they all - including the son that was afflicted, made peace with the fact that he had to get the assistance and medical care he needed, in shelters and on his own as he could. There was a whole family who all loved and cherished their son and brother, but all knew what they could and couldn't do. They loved him, never stopped, but they continued to have their lives too which included children, step-children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, friends, careers, and not to say the least, each SELF.

Life isn't fair. But, it is what it is, we don't know or understand why some of us have greater burdens than others. If we believe in reincarnation, the philosophy is that the person has come back to learn some hard lessons... I certainly don't know why, I don't know that I believe or disbelieve in reincarnation, God, atheism or any other ism, but I know that life isn't fair.

Big hugs to you. This is not an easy situation for you, that is clear, but you and your son have a right to a life that is everything you want and need it to be.

(((hugs)))

outonalimb

As always, I'm overwhelmed with your love, your encouragement, your concern..

Thank you all so much.

Delivered some medication and clothing to exah in the psych ward today. He wouldn't even look at me. He's so hurt. So confused. Man, that was hard.

Went to see him again this evening and he's doing much better. The doctor said he doesn't think its schizophrenia even though he has all the classic symptoms. My exah had shoulder surgery 3 weeks ago...right about the time this whole thing started...and he thinks the pain medication, mixed with alocohol, caused this episode.

Exah says he doesn't hear the voices anymore. Can't figure out why they stopped. They gave him a sedative when he was admitted yesterday and he actually got some sleep (he hadn't slept for nearly 3 weeks). Doctor thinks that played a role too.

So, this is good news.
I don't know what the future holds for him....but today I am just grateful that he seems to be doing really well. One day at a time. Thats all I'm going to focus on right now.

I am so overwhelmed and grateful for all of your kind posts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Right now, I'm just exhausted. I'm heading off to bed. I'm gonna snuggle up with my son and our golden retriever and focus on staying in today.

Much love and big heartfelt thanks to each of you for reaching out to me.

coffeedrinker

thinking of you, your son, and tim.

prayers going out for you all.

christine

bluebelle

You did the right thing. I believe they can hold him for 3 days for being a danger to himself or others. After that, he could only be held if he was still considered dangerous. If so, I'm afraid it'd be most likely a short time for a involuntary commitment. (My mom was in for 2 1/2 weeks.) You do have resources for yourself. Make use of the social workers/counselors and any outpatient resources that they give you. Ask if there is any RTC (residential treatment center) available for longer term care. Explain to your son that he is sick, and do your best caring for your son. Of course, he wants his father to be home and healthy, but this situation was dangerous for all of you. I hope that this maybe scares him into being sober. No matter what, do what you can to take care of you and your son. My prayers are with you.

Impurrfect

(((Mary)))

oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. As if dealing with the addiction weren't enough...sigh.

I know very little about paranoid schizophrenia. I remember dealing with people who had it when I did my mental health rotations in nursing school, and quite frankly, they made me quite nervous. Part of it was me...it bothers me to know there are some people I just can't get through to.

I don't have any advice, though I do know that support groups are available in some cities and I hope there is one available near you. I wish I could do/say more. I am including you and your family in my prayers, as well as asking my friends to add you to their prayer lists.

Also sending you many, many cyber hugs.:ghug3

Amy