Choices... For the Grace of ... Me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Choices... For the Grace of ... Me!
This is a bit of an update, and where my head and heart are at at the moment. I'm not even sure that it will make any sense, but it has been on my mind, so for better or worse, I'm going to let it spill out for whatever it is 
Not that this thread comes with regrets, not in the sense of regrets of lessons not learned anyway, but if I knew then what I know now... This is about choices and living with them for ourselves.
You all told me, and I have shared the same with others- but until you know, you don't know.
We are our choices. We do have a choice in how we handle things, and even if the other person (in my case my XAH) would probably have reacted in the same way, that doesn't change the fact that I know I could have done things better, with more grace and dignity, FOR ME.
But, I didn't. I did the best I could, at the time, with what I knew and where I was at. Was it perfect? In no way by any means. If I had to do what I did three years ago with the knowledge and tools I have learned since, I know I could do it better, but at the time all I could do was do it as best I could without getting sucked back into the vortex, and for that I can remember being proud of myself that I withstood! Without the help here, I couldn't have done it at all (thank you SR!)
I am still proud of myself. It's not that I'm not, but lately I'm to a point where I can look back with a different pair of glasses and actually see where I did have a choice, when at the time I felt like I didn't. You all told me I did - sometimes a little less subtley than others, and yet I still couldn't see it at the time (or feel it is probably more accurate).
Knowledge is the key, and that's part of this ramble for the newcomer. I think that there are times that those of us who have lived in this world for any length of time tell newcomers not enough information, and yet I understand that we can't really tell them anymore. So, I want to say to our new members, more than anyone, while what we say to you may not seem to be enough, may not give you hard answers, may not seem to give you direction... In the long run, you will see that we all have done and do... You have your own work to do, and you will get there and see the answers that were answered, it just is not easy or quick, but we are here to walk along with you, with understanding and compassion, and you will get there, one step at a time.
I am far from the end of my journey, but I see more clearly than ever that I am learning from my past to make my future be what I want it to be for me. I am sure I will slip and fall, along with the rest of all of us humans, but at least I can now see that there are lots more choices in how I handle things than I used to think, and because I have learned this, my past is not a regret.
Grace and Dignity - those are what I strive for, for me and how I conduct myself. I'm not even close to living up to that yet, but progress not perfection... right? Goals are good
(((hugs))) to everyone! especially our new members!
Not that this thread comes with regrets, not in the sense of regrets of lessons not learned anyway, but if I knew then what I know now... This is about choices and living with them for ourselves.
You all told me, and I have shared the same with others- but until you know, you don't know.
We are our choices. We do have a choice in how we handle things, and even if the other person (in my case my XAH) would probably have reacted in the same way, that doesn't change the fact that I know I could have done things better, with more grace and dignity, FOR ME.
But, I didn't. I did the best I could, at the time, with what I knew and where I was at. Was it perfect? In no way by any means. If I had to do what I did three years ago with the knowledge and tools I have learned since, I know I could do it better, but at the time all I could do was do it as best I could without getting sucked back into the vortex, and for that I can remember being proud of myself that I withstood! Without the help here, I couldn't have done it at all (thank you SR!)
I am still proud of myself. It's not that I'm not, but lately I'm to a point where I can look back with a different pair of glasses and actually see where I did have a choice, when at the time I felt like I didn't. You all told me I did - sometimes a little less subtley than others, and yet I still couldn't see it at the time (or feel it is probably more accurate).
Knowledge is the key, and that's part of this ramble for the newcomer. I think that there are times that those of us who have lived in this world for any length of time tell newcomers not enough information, and yet I understand that we can't really tell them anymore. So, I want to say to our new members, more than anyone, while what we say to you may not seem to be enough, may not give you hard answers, may not seem to give you direction... In the long run, you will see that we all have done and do... You have your own work to do, and you will get there and see the answers that were answered, it just is not easy or quick, but we are here to walk along with you, with understanding and compassion, and you will get there, one step at a time.
I am far from the end of my journey, but I see more clearly than ever that I am learning from my past to make my future be what I want it to be for me. I am sure I will slip and fall, along with the rest of all of us humans, but at least I can now see that there are lots more choices in how I handle things than I used to think, and because I have learned this, my past is not a regret.
Grace and Dignity - those are what I strive for, for me and how I conduct myself. I'm not even close to living up to that yet, but progress not perfection... right? Goals are good
(((hugs))) to everyone! especially our new members!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Great to 'see' you Bay...thank you for sharing about your journey. I've said it before and I'll say it again.....I admire your progress & personal growth that came about through taking those steps & being willing to move forward in your life. Your grace and dignity are showing.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When we know better, we do better. That's what the oldtimers told me when I beat myself up for taking so long to "get it".
I too listened to those who went before me, I knew they were right, but I had to do it when I was ready and I wasn't ready for a long time. I could do some things, the little things, but the hard things were...well, hard. Most of my big steps were taken when I was totally exhausted from trying it "my way", when I knew that either "I" changed, or nothing changed.
I made some tough choices, the hardest was making the decision that my son could no longer live at home, nor even visit because he would steal even on the visit. It was the toughest choice, but also the best choice for me and for him.
And yes, I agree with Bay that I don't often share everything with the newcomer. Sometimes the gentlest thing to do is share enough to get them started. If I had known, before I had some recovery under my belt, what addiction would do to me and my family, I think I might have driven off the nearest bridge. Instead we share hope, and our own experience and strength so that maybe, they will want what we have and be willing to do the work to get it.
I am happy to say that my life is good today, even though my son is still missing (over 5 years now) and lost in his addiction.
I learned that I cannot control his life, his addiction or his recovery. But I also learned that I can control how I choose to live my life and I have found peace, happiness and a zest for life each day.
I too try to live in grace and dignity. It gets easier every day.
Thanks Bay for starting this thread and sharing your grace and dignity with all of us. You shine girl!!
Hugs
I too listened to those who went before me, I knew they were right, but I had to do it when I was ready and I wasn't ready for a long time. I could do some things, the little things, but the hard things were...well, hard. Most of my big steps were taken when I was totally exhausted from trying it "my way", when I knew that either "I" changed, or nothing changed.
I made some tough choices, the hardest was making the decision that my son could no longer live at home, nor even visit because he would steal even on the visit. It was the toughest choice, but also the best choice for me and for him.
And yes, I agree with Bay that I don't often share everything with the newcomer. Sometimes the gentlest thing to do is share enough to get them started. If I had known, before I had some recovery under my belt, what addiction would do to me and my family, I think I might have driven off the nearest bridge. Instead we share hope, and our own experience and strength so that maybe, they will want what we have and be willing to do the work to get it.
I am happy to say that my life is good today, even though my son is still missing (over 5 years now) and lost in his addiction.
I learned that I cannot control his life, his addiction or his recovery. But I also learned that I can control how I choose to live my life and I have found peace, happiness and a zest for life each day.
I too try to live in grace and dignity. It gets easier every day.
Thanks Bay for starting this thread and sharing your grace and dignity with all of us. You shine girl!!
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by BayAreaPhoenix 
Knowledge is the key, and that's part of this ramble for the newcomer.
Thanks for sharing. I remember the day you changed your name. It suits you well
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
BayAreaPhoenix... you are pure inspiration and hope.... thank you for posting your progress....you make perfect sense.
That was AWESOME....
It's nice to see down the road a bit...
We are our choices. We do have a choice in how we handle things, and even if the other person (in my case my XAH) would probably have reacted in the same way, that doesn't change the fact that I know I could have done things better, with more grace and dignity, FOR ME.
But, I didn't. I did the best I could, at the time, with what I knew and where I was at. Was it perfect? In no way by any means. If I had to do what I did three years ago with the knowledge and tools I have learned since, I know I could do it better, but at the time all I could do was do it as best I could without getting sucked back into the vortex, and for that I can remember being proud of myself that I withstood! Without the help here, I couldn't have done it at all (thank you SR!)
But, I didn't. I did the best I could, at the time, with what I knew and where I was at. Was it perfect? In no way by any means. If I had to do what I did three years ago with the knowledge and tools I have learned since, I know I could do it better, but at the time all I could do was do it as best I could without getting sucked back into the vortex, and for that I can remember being proud of myself that I withstood! Without the help here, I couldn't have done it at all (thank you SR!)
It's nice to see down the road a bit...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Bay,
What a great, inspiring post.
Its all about being patient and kind with ourselves, isn't it?
Unless you've walked thru this particular kind of fire, you just have no idea how to handle it. There are many people in my life who stood off to the side of the fire pit and shook their heads in disgust because I didn't move in the right direction fast enough for them. And really, no one was harder on myself about this than me. We have to find our own way out of the fire. It will happen in our own time...at our own pace...and only when we're ready to surrender control to something greater than ourselves.
anywho...I loved your post. I also think you exude grace and dignity.:ghug3
What a great, inspiring post.
Its all about being patient and kind with ourselves, isn't it?
Unless you've walked thru this particular kind of fire, you just have no idea how to handle it. There are many people in my life who stood off to the side of the fire pit and shook their heads in disgust because I didn't move in the right direction fast enough for them. And really, no one was harder on myself about this than me. We have to find our own way out of the fire. It will happen in our own time...at our own pace...and only when we're ready to surrender control to something greater than ourselves.
anywho...I loved your post. I also think you exude grace and dignity.:ghug3
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
