LaTeeDa

I decided to start a new thread to discuss this without hijacking the other one. Also, I want to say up front that what I am about to post is something I am striving for in my life, not something I have achieved.

I mentioned yesterday how I used to call my husband “useless” and how my sister told me many years later that it pained her to hear me say that. Now, at the time I was saying it, I really felt justified in calling him that. But, since then I have learned why it was painful for her to hear.

Interestingly, my thoughts about this reminded me of a training we had at work a couple of years ago regarding non-discrimination and customer service. The trainer explained how the human mind naturally prefers to categorize things—people included. It’s simply easier to meet someone and pull out your mental “index cards” and find one that matches. From that point on, you are interacting more with the label than the actual person. This is not to say that doing this is “bad” or anything. It’s a completely normal thing we all do. You can’t even stop yourself if you wanted to. The point being made was that if we are aware of it, we can become open to seeing past the label and relating more to the individual. We all make judgments about others, but knowing that creates the awareness that our judgment may not be correct.

The other thing that I was reminded of was Carl Rogers. Back when I was immersing myself in self-help and trying to learn as much as I could about how I came to behave the way I did, and what I could do about it, Carl Rogers “Humanistic Theory” really rang true to me. Here is a link to a summary of what I mean if you are interested.
Carl Rogers
In short, he believes that all people are basically good and it is our experiences in society that cause us to veer off the path of what's good for us. He also believes that every individual life has intrinsic worth.

Now, having said all that, I absolutely believe that I have the right to make judgements about who I allow in my life. But, I have softened my stance a bit about deciding who is “useless,” or “worthless,” or “less than me.” We all have our paths to walk, even my A and others who have hurt me. It doesn’t make me “better” than them, just on a different path.

L

Ceres

This is all true. I honestly think that "useless" was just an honest attempt to let out some steam. It's defined by Meriam Webster as inept and not able to give service and aid. <- But that's an awful lot more words to type.

Ceres

Everyone has worth and everyone's entitled to compassion, very true!

Keeping my sense (or trying to gain, depending on the person or situation) of compassion, keeps me from holding onto resentments.

drgnfly30

Thanks for this... interestingly enough I was having a similar conversation just this morning with a co-worker concerning people in our workplace.

LaTeeDa

No need to defend the person who posted it. I'm not judging, lol. Just wanted to explain how my process is evolving, and how powerful the words we choose can be.

L

Ceres

:-)

Pondering... I will say that I am glad that most of my friends are in a program of some sort. They will call me out on it when I go on a tangent in the language we all understand. Letting me steam, but then reeling me in when I start to roll off to Venus. This is very good. As if we do nothing but complain to people who do not do this... Before we know it we feel superiorly justified - and god forbid we have to deal with him/she that day!

LaTeeDa

A big, big, biggie for me! Looking back, I can see that one of the reasons I stayed for so long was the superiority fix I got from him. My self-worth was so fragile (possibly non-existant), that I needed to feel superior just to feel good. One of those paradoxes in life. I told myself how much "better" than him I was because I felt so bad about myself.

L

FindingPeace1

You know, I was working with my therapist on my inner child (doesn't that sound hokey? But it's such good work!) and I feel like I disown her because she seems to be all the stuff that has dragged me down.
He suggested that her behavior was the way it was because she was taught inaccurate info about her worth and treated poorly.
He suggested I look at her heart.
What I saw was a little person that wanted so desperately to be good. To do right. To please. To be kind. A good heart. A true heart.
And I know my work is to own her again. To love her. To not abandon myself and my shadow. To forgive her/me. To understand her/me.
I figure if this process causes healing in me, using the process on others has the chance to heal the world.

Much love and peace.

FindingPeace1

Rogers believes that all creatures strive to make the very best of their existence. If they fail to do so, it is not for a lack of desire.

That's it. I so WANTED to do what I was told. Leave on time. Clean my room. Do my homework.
I just couldn't MAKE myself do it.
I had so much shame about that...
Whatever held me back, it wasn't because I was a bad person.
Just like when I want to or not to do things and CAN'T SEEM TO...same deal.

Undoubtedly (imho) our partners and parents and lovers and friends are held back "against their will," too.
Not to say there shouldn't be consequences to keep ourselves cared for and safe.
I'm just saying, in my heart, I try to understand.

FindingPeace1

Awesome article, LTD! I love it!
And the goals for the therapist:
1. Congruence -- genuineness, honesty with another.
2. Empathy -- the ability to feel what the other feels.
3. Respect -- acceptance, unconditional positive regard towards the other.
I aspire to be that for others in the world!
Speaking of, you do a pretty great job of that here!

LaTeeDa

Carl Rogers rocked my world! The greater the amount of disparity between the Real Self (who we are naturally) and the Ideal Self (who we think we "should" be) the more troubled we are. It's such a profound, yet simple theory.

And, thanks for the compliment. I receive way more than I give here, so my reasons for sticking around aren't entirely selfless.

L

FindingPeace1

YouTube - CARL ROGERS & GLORIA COUNSELLING - Part 1
I just found this 5 part series with Carl interviewing someone.
What a lovely way to interact!
He reflected so genuinely...and in his reflection, she found her own voice.
She came in feeling like she didn't know what to do and wanted an answer from an authority figure, and ended up speaking just what she believed and wanted.
I DO believe our HP is within and accessible. I DO believe we can find the right answer in our own hearts. I think helpers like Carl that can guide us to ourselves are a real gift.

I think the question, "What would you like me to tell you?" was a deep question.
I think I will reflect on that some more. What would I like to be told to do.

FindingPeace1

two more great vids about self love/self acceptance you'll like:

YouTube - Albert Ellis: The sickness of self-esteem
YouTube - Albert Ellis -- On Guilt and Shame -- RARE 1960 recording

Jazzman

I believe we're our own worst enemy in thinking the way that we have taught ourselves to think, (following the path of least resistance in our own minds). I think that's why when we have a great epiphany of inner truth more often than not that truth was plain as the nose on our face. Objectivity is so... zen.

TakingCharge999

This reminded me of the joke

"I am not useless, at least I serve as a bad example"

BuffaloGal

Isn't that the truth. I've spent a lot of my life thinking of myself as fundamentally useless. Recently and finally I came to understand that my Real Self is a good and valuable entity... much more so, in fact, than my ideal self. Since then I've been able to face my weaknesses more directly and view them as problems to be solved, not mortal, shameful failings. Consequently that disparity has lessened.

Spiritual Seeker

you are growing in the direction of enlightenment. We all become what we are capable of becoming.
Life is about letting go. Hopefully, we can wish those we let go of well and move on.
The less we judge others the less we be judged

LaTeeDa

Well, that's a keeper! You, Jazz, have a gift for saying so much with so few words........

L

Summerpeach

my take on this; spiritually, no one is useless. We are all useful with certain aspect and useless in others. If we were all one of the other, we would not exist.

And this thread sparked a memory for me; 6 months into dating my ex, I had a dream that he came to me, lifted his hair off his forehead and in bright red letters was the word useless. It was like a stamp format.
I had this dream right after he asked me for money.
This dream was recurrent. Never did I call another person useless, but I felt it was some sort of sign.
Turns out, he was pretty useless, but useless to me. Maybe not useless to someone else or himself, but to ME he was. Maybe this is self righteous, not sure, but I feel this way.

And had someone asked me a few years back if everyone had worth, I would have agreed, but as I age and see more and more sickness in this world, I would have to say child killers, pedophiles or just sick psychopaths have ZERO worth.

p.s, great thread by the way :-)

LaTeeDa

You actually just helped make my point. It's easy to judge when we categorize people. It makes everything black and white. "Child killers" = worthless. But, when you start to apply it to individuals, it becomes less clear. There are some who believe abortion is child killing. So, now you have to put everyone who's ever had an abortion into the "worthless" pile. Most pedophiles were sexually abused as children themselves. Maybe we should put abused children in the "worthless" pile, since there is a good chance they could grow up to be pedophiles......

It's a slippery slope when we start judging who is worthless and who is not, on an individual basis. I can be repulsed and disgusted at someone's behavior, without judging them as a worthless human being. As my military friends sometimes say, "that's above my pay grade." I'll stick to deciding who I allow my life and who I don't. I'll leave the judging up to God.

L