I gotta go, but how?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
I gotta go, but how?
Hi Everyone,
This is my first post on a board like this and I apologize for the length up front. Up until today, I knew that I lived with an alcoholic (the half gallon of jaeger or quervo or jack nightly was my first clue). He also will tell anyone that will listen that he is one, too. Some of the other traits he exhibits I related to his upbringing but after reading this, it's the alcohol.
Here is a little background. We have been together for six years but not married. I have an excellent job and he owns his own company where he can make his own hours (or not). He has two daughters and I have two adopted sons all around the same age. We have been through multiple custody hearings for his daughters due to their alcoholic stepfather who eventually killed himself last year while on a drunk binge. He and I own a home together. I have the loan in my name only but his name is on the deed, so leaving is not going to be an easy task.
Lately, he's chosen not to work much because he really doesn't have to. He's able to pay his bills for now. He typically travels 100% of the time but he's been there for the past 1.5 months and here's what our life is like at home.
1. He sleeps until 4 or 5 every day. He won't speak to anyone until he gets another buzz on.
2. He gets hammered and our dinner is always comprised of drunken lectures or temper tantrums because he couldn't find a spice or something was out of place.
2. He stays up all night drinking an ungodly amount of alchohol. Many nights I've checked on him while he's passed out on the kitchen, bathroom, living room or bedroom just to make sure he's still breathing.
3. He has urinated in closets, laundry rooms, and bedrooms.
4. We all walk on eggshells because something might set him off, such as the night that we ran out of toilet paper and I was woken up at 2 in the morning to a verbal onslaught that included all of the cuss words you could imagine.
5. He tries to control everything...it's all about him.
6. We've had a nonexistent sex life because I can't bear the sloppiness or the passing out anymore...plus there's not much sexy about someone who treats me this way or acts like he does.
Here's how I feel now.
1. I'm overweight because the only thing I look forward to is eating. I've gained 40 lbs since I met him.
2. I'm depressed and feel hopeless.
3. I dread going home now but the kids need me and some semblance of a normal life.
4. I only get a full night's sleep when he's gone. I'm constantly nervous because he might come in there and start ranting and raving at me over something ridiculous.
5. I hate going out now and I hate having people over because he's so embarrassing. Holidays at our house with my family humiliate me because he's standing at the freezer door guzzling out of the a bottle in front of anyone.
6. I hate my life and I hate who I've become and I especially hate the kids having this life.
7. I'm angry and frustrated and up until now, I argue back and yell at him when he's being stupid or unreasonable.
I've argued and lectured and cried. I made the decision today to just give up on trying to get him to stop. I have to get out of that house, but that's a whole new set of problems. I would gladly sell it to him and move, but his credit is horrible and he has tax issues that will prevent him from getting a loan.
Irregardless, it will be some time before I'm able to get another home. Any suggestions on how I live with him in the meantime?
Just talking to people who lived like this helps me. My twin sister lives the same way I do, but when we discuss it, it becomes a "Now you know how I feel" and I get frustrated and hang up.
Any suggestions or just someone to talk to would be wonderful.
Thanks for listening.
This is my first post on a board like this and I apologize for the length up front. Up until today, I knew that I lived with an alcoholic (the half gallon of jaeger or quervo or jack nightly was my first clue). He also will tell anyone that will listen that he is one, too. Some of the other traits he exhibits I related to his upbringing but after reading this, it's the alcohol.
Here is a little background. We have been together for six years but not married. I have an excellent job and he owns his own company where he can make his own hours (or not). He has two daughters and I have two adopted sons all around the same age. We have been through multiple custody hearings for his daughters due to their alcoholic stepfather who eventually killed himself last year while on a drunk binge. He and I own a home together. I have the loan in my name only but his name is on the deed, so leaving is not going to be an easy task.
Lately, he's chosen not to work much because he really doesn't have to. He's able to pay his bills for now. He typically travels 100% of the time but he's been there for the past 1.5 months and here's what our life is like at home.
1. He sleeps until 4 or 5 every day. He won't speak to anyone until he gets another buzz on.
2. He gets hammered and our dinner is always comprised of drunken lectures or temper tantrums because he couldn't find a spice or something was out of place.
2. He stays up all night drinking an ungodly amount of alchohol. Many nights I've checked on him while he's passed out on the kitchen, bathroom, living room or bedroom just to make sure he's still breathing.
3. He has urinated in closets, laundry rooms, and bedrooms.
4. We all walk on eggshells because something might set him off, such as the night that we ran out of toilet paper and I was woken up at 2 in the morning to a verbal onslaught that included all of the cuss words you could imagine.
5. He tries to control everything...it's all about him.
6. We've had a nonexistent sex life because I can't bear the sloppiness or the passing out anymore...plus there's not much sexy about someone who treats me this way or acts like he does.
Here's how I feel now.
1. I'm overweight because the only thing I look forward to is eating. I've gained 40 lbs since I met him.
2. I'm depressed and feel hopeless.
3. I dread going home now but the kids need me and some semblance of a normal life.
4. I only get a full night's sleep when he's gone. I'm constantly nervous because he might come in there and start ranting and raving at me over something ridiculous.
5. I hate going out now and I hate having people over because he's so embarrassing. Holidays at our house with my family humiliate me because he's standing at the freezer door guzzling out of the a bottle in front of anyone.
6. I hate my life and I hate who I've become and I especially hate the kids having this life.
7. I'm angry and frustrated and up until now, I argue back and yell at him when he's being stupid or unreasonable.
I've argued and lectured and cried. I made the decision today to just give up on trying to get him to stop. I have to get out of that house, but that's a whole new set of problems. I would gladly sell it to him and move, but his credit is horrible and he has tax issues that will prevent him from getting a loan.
Irregardless, it will be some time before I'm able to get another home. Any suggestions on how I live with him in the meantime?
Just talking to people who lived like this helps me. My twin sister lives the same way I do, but when we discuss it, it becomes a "Now you know how I feel" and I get frustrated and hang up.
Any suggestions or just someone to talk to would be wonderful.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Becki and WELCOME TO SR!!
I'm so glad you found this place. It is filled with wise and lovingly supportive people without whom I would never have been able to leave my AH (alcoholic husband).
I'd like to post for you the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't already know them:
you didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
So, it seems you've already figured out there's no point in trying to make your partner do anything, but in case you're thinking that any of this is your fault, It's NOT!
Right now, it's time to focus on you and your children. Have you thought about consulting a lawyer regarding selling the house and divorce this "man"? A single consultation could be very useful in making aware of your rights and obligations in this matter.
Also, have you considered going to Al-Anon (and taking your children to Al-Ateen) to get the support you all need?
Keep posting as much as you want! That's what SR is here for
I'm so glad you found this place. It is filled with wise and lovingly supportive people without whom I would never have been able to leave my AH (alcoholic husband).
I'd like to post for you the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't already know them:
you didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
So, it seems you've already figured out there's no point in trying to make your partner do anything, but in case you're thinking that any of this is your fault, It's NOT!
Right now, it's time to focus on you and your children. Have you thought about consulting a lawyer regarding selling the house and divorce this "man"? A single consultation could be very useful in making aware of your rights and obligations in this matter.
Also, have you considered going to Al-Anon (and taking your children to Al-Ateen) to get the support you all need?
Keep posting as much as you want! That's what SR is here for
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family
Hate that you and the children have been living such a painful and scary life - and sending out good thougths and prayers for you to find your strength, courage and wisdom to do what is healthy for you and your children!
Al-Anon was a great place for me to find understanding of the FAMILY disease of alcoholism and to get help for my family - I also believe an attorney would be another excellent step in protecting yourself financially in this tough situation.
As a person who experienced lots of legal and financial issues when I left my AH - I truly wish I would have went sooner to try to protect myself. The disease in my ex AH came out loud and clear during our long divorce and property settlement battle.
Please try to remember to take Deep Breaths, take it One Day at a Time, One Task at a time.
HUGS,
Rita
Hate that you and the children have been living such a painful and scary life - and sending out good thougths and prayers for you to find your strength, courage and wisdom to do what is healthy for you and your children!
Al-Anon was a great place for me to find understanding of the FAMILY disease of alcoholism and to get help for my family - I also believe an attorney would be another excellent step in protecting yourself financially in this tough situation.
As a person who experienced lots of legal and financial issues when I left my AH - I truly wish I would have went sooner to try to protect myself. The disease in my ex AH came out loud and clear during our long divorce and property settlement battle.
Please try to remember to take Deep Breaths, take it One Day at a Time, One Task at a time.
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Thanks so much. One of the other big things I've battled until now is the guilt. His girls have had a rough time and I don't think they could take another hit like this. He has a good chance of losing them if I leave (that was stressed in the last court hearing). His kids mean everything to him and they're the only family he has. I don't want to be responsible for him losing them. How do you console yourself when you know that you're hurting kids? Those girls write me letters thanking me for being the only one that stands up for them...how am I standing up for them now? I'm deserting them, it feels like.
It's taken me a long time to come to this decision and I'm extremely excited about the future (except the immediate one) and look forward to peace. I'm not nervous about taking care of myself because I've done it before and I actually do it now because he's not there even when he is at home.
I'm a strong and very independent person. I've been smart and have kept my finances separate from his so the only thing we have together is the home (and that's a biggie).
I've spent the day at work so far alternating between crying from heartbreak and excitedness about the future. Am I losing it?
It's taken me a long time to come to this decision and I'm extremely excited about the future (except the immediate one) and look forward to peace. I'm not nervous about taking care of myself because I've done it before and I actually do it now because he's not there even when he is at home.
I'm a strong and very independent person. I've been smart and have kept my finances separate from his so the only thing we have together is the home (and that's a biggie).
I've spent the day at work so far alternating between crying from heartbreak and excitedness about the future. Am I losing it?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Nope, you're just grieving and considering what you're going through, I'd say it's entirely normal!
With regards to his girls, is there anyone else that could take care of them? Could you take them should you leave? Step-parents have been known to obtain visitation rights (it may be plausible in your case especially considering the ineptitude he shows as a father).
Again, it's something to discuss with a lawyer, and seeing as the children are older, I'd say it's time to open the lines of communication about the elephant in the room. There must be some Al-Ateen literature out there to help you as well.
Also, YOU won't be responsible for him losing his children HE will be. Every single time he drank, he made a choice, and whether he loses his girls or not will be a consequence of that choice. No one forced him to guzzle down booze day in and day out. There was no gun to his head. So please try to be gentle with yourself and remember that you may in fact be doing those children a favour.
Keep posting!
With regards to his girls, is there anyone else that could take care of them? Could you take them should you leave? Step-parents have been known to obtain visitation rights (it may be plausible in your case especially considering the ineptitude he shows as a father).
Again, it's something to discuss with a lawyer, and seeing as the children are older, I'd say it's time to open the lines of communication about the elephant in the room. There must be some Al-Ateen literature out there to help you as well.
Also, YOU won't be responsible for him losing his children HE will be. Every single time he drank, he made a choice, and whether he loses his girls or not will be a consequence of that choice. No one forced him to guzzle down booze day in and day out. There was no gun to his head. So please try to be gentle with yourself and remember that you may in fact be doing those children a favour.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Welcome Becki,
You will find much support from all of us on this board, for we all walk in the same "shoes" so to speak.
There are always tough predicaments and decisions to make when we are dealing with someone we love who is an alcoholic/addict. As noted in an early response to your post, look into Al-Anon as well, plus you can look into Al-Ateen for the kids. Having somewhat of an understanding of the chaos you are living in now helps, believe me, it helps. You feel your emotions getting tugged in a million directions due to his obvious alcoholism.
Remember the three C's, as simple as it sounds, you need to remind yourself constantly that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Even when the chaos (I personally think that should be the fourth C) ensues, you will need to learn to focus on you and the kids, you will eventually know what decision to make.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
You will find much support from all of us on this board, for we all walk in the same "shoes" so to speak.
There are always tough predicaments and decisions to make when we are dealing with someone we love who is an alcoholic/addict. As noted in an early response to your post, look into Al-Anon as well, plus you can look into Al-Ateen for the kids. Having somewhat of an understanding of the chaos you are living in now helps, believe me, it helps. You feel your emotions getting tugged in a million directions due to his obvious alcoholism.
Remember the three C's, as simple as it sounds, you need to remind yourself constantly that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Even when the chaos (I personally think that should be the fourth C) ensues, you will need to learn to focus on you and the kids, you will eventually know what decision to make.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
They live with their Mom 50% of the time, but the courts still stated that they wanted the children to have my influence more than either of the parents. Now that the step-dad is not in the picture, things have calmed down over there. She said that she has no problem with me hanging out with the kids and will let me see them all I want. Her and I have an awesome relationship. But, one of girls became hysterical over there because she thinks I'm going to leave them. She's a very intuitive little girl and can read my feelings pretty well.
Your right, it is all his responsibility. It's difficult to quit trying to make his life better and fix him and those little girls' lives. It's in my nature to help everyone, but lately I've neglected myself and I need to get into the mindset of that. I should start chanting to myself, "it's all about me...it's all about me...it's all about me".
Thanks for helping me through this. I talk to some friends, but none of them understand this. They see this charming, fun party guy and don't see the ugly disgusting and mean part of this so they don't know what to say. It's easy to tell someone to just leave...it's hard to actually do it.
Your right, it is all his responsibility. It's difficult to quit trying to make his life better and fix him and those little girls' lives. It's in my nature to help everyone, but lately I've neglected myself and I need to get into the mindset of that. I should start chanting to myself, "it's all about me...it's all about me...it's all about me".
Thanks for helping me through this. I talk to some friends, but none of them understand this. They see this charming, fun party guy and don't see the ugly disgusting and mean part of this so they don't know what to say. It's easy to tell someone to just leave...it's hard to actually do it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Yep, and the beautiful thing about SR is that it never closes, and there's invariably someone around to offer support or ESH (ok week-ends are sometimes real quiet).
Perhaps, (and this is JMO), when you're started to formulate your plan better, you could sit down with your stepchildren's biomom and talk to her about concrete plans for you to keep being involved in her girls' lives. There's no reason for you not to being involved unless there's clear opposition or it would be detrimental to them.
From my experience, I've had to let go of my stepson, who is almost 13 now. I met him and his father when he was 6, so I was a big part of his life for several years. We grew very close in the last couple of years when he came to Montreal to live with XAH and I full time, and even closer when I stayed home on maternity leave. It still hurts that I have been forbidden to see him, both by his mother and his father, because they believe I would use him in some kind of cruel custody battle. I simply feel terrible for this young man who is stuck living with a controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive alcoholic, and have often wished I could "save" him. But in the end, I can't save anyone. I can do my best to protect my baby girl, and I've had to let go of my former stepson. To me, that's been the highest price to pay for my freedom from XAH and his madness. I can only pray that someday, my former stepson finds a way to get out from underneath his father's thumb and is able to contact me once again.
Perhaps, (and this is JMO), when you're started to formulate your plan better, you could sit down with your stepchildren's biomom and talk to her about concrete plans for you to keep being involved in her girls' lives. There's no reason for you not to being involved unless there's clear opposition or it would be detrimental to them.
From my experience, I've had to let go of my stepson, who is almost 13 now. I met him and his father when he was 6, so I was a big part of his life for several years. We grew very close in the last couple of years when he came to Montreal to live with XAH and I full time, and even closer when I stayed home on maternity leave. It still hurts that I have been forbidden to see him, both by his mother and his father, because they believe I would use him in some kind of cruel custody battle. I simply feel terrible for this young man who is stuck living with a controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive alcoholic, and have often wished I could "save" him. But in the end, I can't save anyone. I can do my best to protect my baby girl, and I've had to let go of my former stepson. To me, that's been the highest price to pay for my freedom from XAH and his madness. I can only pray that someday, my former stepson finds a way to get out from underneath his father's thumb and is able to contact me once again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome. If you aren't able to leave, I strongly encourage to you to check out these alanon meetings:
Miami Valley Information Service
They will help you gather the strength to stay without going insane.
Work your recovery the way you wish he would and it will save your life.
Miami Valley Information Service
They will help you gather the strength to stay without going insane.
Work your recovery the way you wish he would and it will save your life.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I can relate to those feelings toward your step-daughters.
3 of my 5 daughters are given the label "Step" by the world - but to me they are the daughters of my heart just like the 2 I carried in my womb. The girls were 5, 7, and 15 when I met them - they are now 22, 24 and 31.
We have a wonderful relationship - I am so blessed to still be a part of their life ~ they prayed for me and even offered to testify for me when we went to court for the divorce and property settlement (of course i wouldn't allow it)
From my perspective, although I didn't give the best example when they were younger - I did show them that you can change, you can make healthy choices for your life - even in your 40's, you can stop the insanity of emotional and mental abuse (and yes I do believe living under those conditions my friend is abuse)
So I know you are concern about your relationship with your step-daughters - but by staying in an unhealthy situation - what message are you sending them? What are you telling them is acceptable behaviors for them to take from their future partners?
Just sharing my experience, strength and hope - please take what you like and leave the rest - don't mean to offend in any way,
HUGS,
Rita
3 of my 5 daughters are given the label "Step" by the world - but to me they are the daughters of my heart just like the 2 I carried in my womb. The girls were 5, 7, and 15 when I met them - they are now 22, 24 and 31.
We have a wonderful relationship - I am so blessed to still be a part of their life ~ they prayed for me and even offered to testify for me when we went to court for the divorce and property settlement (of course i wouldn't allow it)
From my perspective, although I didn't give the best example when they were younger - I did show them that you can change, you can make healthy choices for your life - even in your 40's, you can stop the insanity of emotional and mental abuse (and yes I do believe living under those conditions my friend is abuse)
So I know you are concern about your relationship with your step-daughters - but by staying in an unhealthy situation - what message are you sending them? What are you telling them is acceptable behaviors for them to take from their future partners?
Just sharing my experience, strength and hope - please take what you like and leave the rest - don't mean to offend in any way,
HUGS,
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Again, thanks. I have my own two boys to think about, too. I actually adopted them from my twin (who i referenced earlier). She wanted to get them away from that situation there and get them a better life. I'm able to take care of them financially. I feel guilty that I'm putting them through it again but it's better than what they had there. Their biodad would verbally abuse them...that's one thing I can say positive about my BF is that he doesn't scream at them excessively or call them names, just me. He does give these loooooonnnnnggggg drawn out lectures that take 1.5 hours to get to one point...I'd rather be screamed at for a few seconds. :-)
She had them in Al-Ateen and a program called Gladhouse where they went each day after school and talked to counselors about this is type of home life. They know more than I and handle my BF a lot better than I do, that's for sure.
As for the girls' Mom. She and I had a long talk after the meltdown of the younger one. She promised both them and me that I could see them any time I wanted on her time. My BF would have a fit over that, though, because there's tons of animosity between those two. Not that I care, I care about those girls more than his temper tantrums.
She had them in Al-Ateen and a program called Gladhouse where they went each day after school and talked to counselors about this is type of home life. They know more than I and handle my BF a lot better than I do, that's for sure.
As for the girls' Mom. She and I had a long talk after the meltdown of the younger one. She promised both them and me that I could see them any time I wanted on her time. My BF would have a fit over that, though, because there's tons of animosity between those two. Not that I care, I care about those girls more than his temper tantrums.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
I also feel as if some sort of weight was lifted from my shoulders. I'm about to go home and face the dragon. I sent an email telling him I'm choosing not to live like this anymore. I wasn't accusatory and I didn't insult him at all. I didn't list all of the awful things he's done or anything like that. I just stated that this life isn't working for me and I am making the choice to change myself and my circumstances now. He must have read my resolution in those words because he's got a "tone". Wish me luck..I'm going to stay calm and walk away if he starts to argue. If he continues, I have a giant Newfie dog that would love to go on a long walk on this beautiful day. I will stay calm, Ii will not succumb to the arguments, it's not my responsibility, it's not my fault...NOT NOT NOT.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Becki67 
I feel guilty that I'm putting them through it again
as for the house, is he not on the mortgage loan with you? can he assume the loan? if not, will he leave the home, do you think?
let us know how things went...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Well, another sleepless night. I got home and he was all sweety sweety. I did what I normally do and the kids were up our butts all evening. I asked him not to drink until we had a chance to talk about what the plans are. Ha! He had already done several shots of jaeger before I even got home from work at 4:30. I did get a five minute window to try to talk to him and he pulled that, "You think I don't know I have a problem...it's not easy to just stop...you know I just get overwelmed and get on this binge, but I'll get off soon." So, I felt myself giving in a bit..I do know that he can't help it and I feel sorry for him. I did not let him know that I was giving in though, thank God. He ended up passing out on the couch again.
So, I made the one mistake I always make. I got out of bed in the middle of the night and went out and tore him a new one. I threw out the old threats I used to say all the time and yelled at him. I couldn't contain my frustration anymore. I'm so disappointed that I acted like that.
This is what my thought process was like last night:
I hate him. Why can't he show me that he wants to make some sort of effort to change things.
Alone again...why am I always sleeping alone?
How can I kick him when he's apparently down?
There are a lot of things I'll miss about being with him. We do everything together.
I can get a bunch of dogs if I live without him (he hates animals).
I can do whatever I want however I want in my own home.
It's gonna really hurt when I leave him
I wish I never met him then I wouldn't hurt this bad
I wish he would just leave me just in case I'm making a mistake
Then the anger took hold and there was no more going back. I walked by him on the couch this morning and felt this urge to punch him as hard as I could. I'm not a violent person at all and would never do it, I just really felt like it.
What a stupid life this is.
So, I made the one mistake I always make. I got out of bed in the middle of the night and went out and tore him a new one. I threw out the old threats I used to say all the time and yelled at him. I couldn't contain my frustration anymore. I'm so disappointed that I acted like that.
This is what my thought process was like last night:
I hate him. Why can't he show me that he wants to make some sort of effort to change things.
Alone again...why am I always sleeping alone?
How can I kick him when he's apparently down?
There are a lot of things I'll miss about being with him. We do everything together.
I can get a bunch of dogs if I live without him (he hates animals).
I can do whatever I want however I want in my own home.
It's gonna really hurt when I leave him
I wish I never met him then I wouldn't hurt this bad
I wish he would just leave me just in case I'm making a mistake
Then the anger took hold and there was no more going back. I walked by him on the couch this morning and felt this urge to punch him as hard as I could. I'm not a violent person at all and would never do it, I just really felt like it.
What a stupid life this is.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Becki67
His kids mean everything to him and they're the only family he has. I don't want to be responsible for him losing them.
Booze is outranking his kids, clearly.
HIS CHOICE to drink would be responsible, not you.
Try to get those two things clear, in the confusion.
He is not only irresponsible as a provider and parent, he's abusive. People in normal, healthy households don't dread coming home, wondering what abuse they're going to be subjected to in word, deed, mood, attitude, action. What part of that is "his kids mean everything to him"?
Here's what "his kids mean everything to him" would look like: "I'm having a problem with alcohol; it's ruining my life and relationships. I'm going to stop everything in my life and devote all my energy to fix this. I'm going to consult people who are experts and who have experience in success with this. I'm going to shut up and listen to what they have to say and DO IT. I'm willing to change, and do whatever it takes to make that change and KEEP that change. I'm never going to live another day like yesterday."
CLMI
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