kittykitty

So I went NC (tried to) with my XABF a couple weeks ago. He has gone above and beyond to stay in contact, texts, emails, coming to the house, leaving letters in my door, showing up at my work, etc. All the usual attempts I guess.
So I just put my dog down yesterday, (thank you SO much to everyone for all the love and hugs, I feel better when I read and re-read everyone's posts and know I am not alone and my greiving is normal) and i guess he thought I might like to do some light reading to take my mind off of Junior's passing, so he dropped off a book at my house while I was at work. even signed it with love on the inside cover.

The book is "Beyond Codependancy" by Melody Beatty

:wtf2

Any thoughts on a reaction here? I'm just curious if my reaction was normal, or maybe I'm missing something. I laughed out loud and said to myself "you have got to be kidding me". (first time I've smiled all day)

Has anyone else's A ever gone to these lengths, dropping off self help books? I mean, i could understand "chicken soup for the dog lover's soul" or something, but a codependant self help book?

LaTeeDa

Well, it is a great book, lol. But seriously, I know the feeling. When I discovered my codependence and shared that with my A, he was so relieved to find out there was something wrong with ME. WOW, he thought that meant he was right all along. So now, he was going to sit back and wait while I "came around."

No need to tell you, it totally backfired on him. He got all puffed up and told me I wasn't going to tell him what to do anymore. To his complete surprise, I agreed. I told him he could do whatever he wanted, and I would do the same. That the marriage was no longer working for me and I needed to move on. His chin had to be scraped from the floor. He never imagined that me admitting defeat against his alcoholism would lead to me getting strong enough to let him go. I guess "careful what you wish for" hit him that day.

At least you got a really great recovery book without having to buy it.

L

freefalling

Yep> I also got the - just a pity you wont continue with the marriage ,due to your being a codependent.

Jadmack25

Kitty, I would have thought if you were that desperate a co=dependent, you would be hanging on to XABF's toga, crying "Big Julie, don't go", and not the one going NC.

I thought one of the things about co-dep was holding on, not being able to let go etc.....or has there been a rule change since I went for my Granny nap????

Seems your XABF is the one running around after you, leaving little gifts etc.....so who is the co-dep person here?

Oh well, you got a free book out of him, and that book is priceless.

God bless

Pelican

There is nothing normal, rational or logical with alcoholics.

Try not to let him take up space in your head, rent free, over why he chose that book.

(((kittykitty)))

Happy Reading!

celticghirl

OMG! who the hell do they think they are.
By the way i was ghirl but im now celticghirl,had to change everything including email address because exabf changed my passwords.I wouldnt react in anyway just say thanks or thanks but ive read it and it really helped hence why im not with you anymore!!!!

kittykitty

that was one of my original thoughts celtic, was like he gave me an instruction book on how to continue moving on with my life without him. He doesn't even realize that he did it.

Jadmack, it actually crossed my mind, "i wonder if HE read it first" but it looks like it is brand new. The idea that i am trying to move on, and he is the one spending day after day trying to control me, change my mind, convince me that he knows what is best for me and all that jazz, I'm starting to think that he has more of a codie problem than I do. And the idea that he is going to these lengths to help me "fix myself", all the while probably doing nothing for himself. What a shame.

I will say, I am happy about not having to buy the book myself. I have her first one and alot of inspiration and reality came from it and my Al anon meetings, which is why I was able to recognize that the relationship was toxic and I had the power to remove myself from it.

I guess the irony of him giving me a gift that basically gives me instructions on how to move on and start healthy relationships with non-addicts was what I wanted to share, and I hope everyone got a giggle out of it. You just gotta shake your head, and say "one more reason why we aren't together anymore... you just don't get it..."

I will still remain strong on the NC !!!

wicked

KittyKitty, I did get more than a giggle from it.

Oh the irony! IT BURNS!!!!!!
:rotfxko

Duped

This is EXACTLY how my relationship ended. Mine played the fake recovery game, used to use all the buzzwords etc. She used to say how my behaviour was 'hurting' her 'recovery'. I played along, agreed, and ended the relationship. There was no use arguing with her that she couldn't possibly be in recovery if she was still using alcohol and marijuana. I said it was wrong of me to try to control her, that she could do whatever she pleased to do, that it was none of my business anymore, and that I would have to move on.

And yes - mine too was very glad that there was something wrong with me - and there was.

nodaybut2day

This is how mine ended as well! XAH was SOOOO happy to find me admitting that I had a problem, bu was completely stumped when I quietly told him that I needed to focus on me, not him, and find my happiness myself. Can't argue with that one! His ego balloon burst when he realized that he wouldn't be able to gloat

Jadmack25

If he knew just what it really was about, sort of a blueprint for moving on for you, I bet it would have never seen the light of day.

Yep, I shook my head and laughed, then almost cried with pity for him.

God bless

Hammerhead

I'm laughing so hard I cried... this is too freaking hilarious!

I can hear the MasterCard commercial now....

Divorcing your husband $1,500.00.......

Buying a new red dress for a night out with the girls $100.00.....

Soon to be manipulative ex personally delivering "Beyond Codependancy" by Melody Beatty... signed "with love"..... PRICELESS

kittykitty

I am soooo glad so many of you found this as entertaining as I did! Boy did I need a laugh. I just wanted to make sure I hadn't slipped too far from reality. I'm glad to know that it is actually as ridiculous as I originally thought it was.

It is a shame for him, that he really just doesn't get it. There are a few chapters in there I'm sure he could get some good use out of, maybe even one about detachment that he could have read. But then again, that would be me taking someone else's inventory about their recovery, and I'm not going there. My concern is MY recovery, and the bottom line is that this book will definitely help me along, so I'm happy to have it.

At this point in my recovery, I do feel similar to you Jadmack. A part of me feels bad for him, because he just doesn't get it. He is so focused on helping me with my problem that he has probably completely neglected his own. But I guess that is his choice, and I'm happy to give him the freedom to make that choice. What a feeling to know that his lack of understanding is not my responsibility. Knowing that I don't have to try and explain the inappropriateness of his "gift" is a wonderful feeling.

Thanks for sharing the laughs with me!