My son called from the brig today..

Old 04-13-2010, 03:47 PM
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My son called from the brig today..

First off I guess I will tell you guys the extent of his addiction (I didn't in the first thread I had made). His drug of choice is pot. He has used everything under the sun though. His charges were for marijiuana, cocain, and D-amphetmin use, posession of marj., distribution, plus other miliary charges.

I asked him how his treatment was going and he said it was going really good. I was happy to hear that. Then he goes on to tell me that he knows for sure he never wants to do cocain, pills, etc. again. He said he knows for a fact that if it were in front of him that he could pass it by. Then he told me that pot was another story. He says he still battles with the "want".

He, IMO, is trying to reason it out that it's ok as long as he is just smoking pot. He told me that it didn't really affect him when he was at school or at work before, when he did it. I of course HIGHLY disagree with him on this. He skipped school so much he almost didn't graduate, and he never lasted to long at any job. When he did work he was always broke from buying pot and whatever else he was doing. He also said he was an adult and he figured he could make the choice on whether he still wants to smoke or not.

As far as I know he has never had a "habit" of using other drugs (from what he tells me anyway) like he does marj. He smoked everyday at least three or more times a day for probably 3 yrs. I feel like he's trying to get himself to believe that it's ok to smoke.

I fear that he will go back to his old life style..I asked him how he was feeling about his friends here at home. He told me that he would probably not contact most of them. There are 2 friends, his best friends, I know for sure he will get with as soon as he gets back.

I feel his chances of staying clean are already slipping away..
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Old 04-13-2010, 04:06 PM
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Awww. Paula. I'm sorry that you feel disappointed in your sons choices.

The fact is he can do whatever he wants when he gets out. He is a grown man and he is free to make choices - good or bad. Maybe he hasn't learned his lesson yet. If he still thinks he can use and get by, then he might need some more "schooling" on the subject.

That is out of your control.

BUT you can control what you allow in your house. You can control who you allow to live there. If he wants to smoke pot, he can. If you don't support that lifestyle, then don't. You don't have to let him live under your roof. At least you know what his plans are now...

Have you looked into alanon or anything like that?
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Old 04-14-2010, 01:51 AM
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Paula, your thoughts seem pretty much on the mark even thought that's not how you'd like this to turn out.

Hello-kitty said what was on my mind too, as sad as this is, it's his choice to make, even if it is a bad choice.

How easy that is to say and how hard that was for me to accept when it was my son.

Meetings saved my life, maybe check your area and try some Al-anon, Nar-Anon or CoDA meetings and see if they don't help you too.

Hugs
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Old 04-14-2010, 05:24 AM
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Thank you Hello-Kitty and Ann for the support. I have a schedule for some Al-Anon meetings in my area..so that's a good start. Now all I have to do is find time to make it to one. It seems every time I pick a day and time to start something comes up.

I have come to the realization that he can make his own choices as hard as it that is for me.

I have read several stories of other peoples situations and it makes me start to question how "bad" my sons drug problem is. I can't say everyone on her, but many seem to be dealing with worse drugs and issues than my son (his pot and occasional harder drugs). I almost feel guilty for feeling as hopeless as I do. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
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Old 04-14-2010, 06:54 AM
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I almost feel guilty for feeling as hopeless as I do. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
No, it is not wrong to feel this way. It is your son, and his choices are hurting you.
Your son's addiction has been "bad" enough to put him in the brig.
He will most likely get a dishonorable discharge, although I am not an expert on this.
(He might be able to upgrade it to general later)
but still he has made decisions that will affect the rest of his life and that is big.
big time hurt for you and your son.
I am sorry, and my daughter's drug of choice is pot. I have told her if she is caught all monies for school will dry up quick and she will not get them back.
They think it is "harmless fun" but it has far reaching effects.
Beth
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Old 04-14-2010, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Paula374 View Post
I have read several stories of other peoples situations and it makes me start to question how "bad" my sons drug problem is. I can't say everyone on her, but many seem to be dealing with worse drugs and issues than my son (his pot and occasional harder drugs). I almost feel guilty for feeling as hopeless as I do. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Don't feel guilty at all, we don't measure and compare our pain here. And, I am sad to say, that rarely is "occasional use of hard drugs" a passing thing. Often it is a lie (it was with my son) and even if it is true, addiction escalates over time and I don't know a single "social user" of any hard substance. They'll all grab you in the end. And we have had members here who lost everything because of pot.

So please know your fear/pain/sharing is valid and we care very much.

Try to find time for that meeting, I promise you will be glad you did. If you are like me, we always find time for our sons' urgent requests, but not time for something that may save our own sanity.

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Old 04-14-2010, 07:32 AM
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Paula,

I also wanted to add something that someone said on this forum, I wish I could remember who it was, to give credit.

Work the program you wish they would work.

in other words, go to alanon and work it as hard as you wish your son would work his program. it will help you immeasurably.

Beth
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Old 04-14-2010, 07:58 AM
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Wow, Paula, you could be writing that message about my son. For 9 years my son convinced me that he was "only doing pot". He couldn't hold a job, was not pleasant to be around and looked like death for the most part (dark circles under his eyes, extremely thin). I believed him and also felt that "only pot" shouldn't be so bad even though the results I saw was pretty bad.

The mother of an old friend of his came and chatted to me at a market and it turned out that my son has been lying to me and that he has been doing some hard drugs. In that same week I found out that he was growing and selling magic mushrooms. It is hard to describe the devastation I felt. I realised I believed him because it made it easier to overlook what he was doing. In hindsight I saw that he must have been doing harder drugs for a very long time. He has now moved out.

Maybe he will only do pot, but whatever the drug is, if it is affecting their ability to function and be self-supportive, it is too much. I would think carefully about letting him smoke under your roof. It feels to me that if I said no more a lot earlier, maybe my son wouldn't have started with harder stuff.
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:48 AM
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Hi Paula. I know I'm just the ex of an addict and the mother of a 4 year old boy who has a father for an addict. So I don't have the exact same situation you have. But every son has a mother and my ex used and devastated his mother (and the rest of his family) with his drug addiction.

He's been smoking crack and lying about it for 20 years. He's in and out of prison. He still breaks his mothers heart on a regular basis.

I just think if she would have drawn firm boundaries early on, things might have turned out better for her - as a young adult he wouldn't have lived at home for free, using drugs, stealing from her, stealing from everyone around him. She could have said NO. But she didn't.

She ended up losing her house because of it. Everything she had went into storage. Then she lost the storage too - because he was supposed to be making the payments and he never did. And I really blame her son for that. But she never stopped thinking "it was only pot" and she never believed that her son could do those horrible deceiptful things to her - even when the evidence and the foreclosure notice was staring her in the face.

I really encourage you to examine yourself and your personal values and then draw boundaries based on those values. Not boundaries that are especially designed for your son but boundaries for yourself about what is ok in your life.

I hate drugs. I do not allow drugs around me or my little boy or my house. I refuse to be around them. Therefore, I don't care who you are - I don't care if you are Jesus, Mary or Joseph. You will not be allowed anywhere near my house if I suspect you are using drugs. And if you come around and don't leave when asked, I will call the police on you to be escorted off my property.

That boundary is for everyone - not just my ex. I mean, if I'm not serious about it for everyone. Why say it at all.

The sad thing is that I've actually had to use it. I've had to follow through on the consequences. Addicts WILL push your boundaries. That's just what they do. That's what THEY ALL do.
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Old 04-14-2010, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
He will most likely get a dishonorable discharge, although I am not an expert on this.
(He might be able to upgrade it to general later)
My son is getting a BCD (bad conduct discharge) and from what I know it won't be upgraded. It will follow him forever. It is already causing problems with him trying to go to college when he gets home. It's a federal conviction even though they are misdemeanor charges because of him being in the military.

I actually went to my first Al-anon meeting tonight. I have to say I felt very uncomfortable. I know it is also for people with drug addicts in their life, but I felt like I was in the wrong place since it was focused around alcoholism. Is this a normal feeling for most? They said to give it at least 6 tries before I make a decision. Also, I found the language that was used kind of offensive. I guess mostly because we were in a church building and it seemes bit disresepctful. Are they all about the same or am I just seeing this whole experience in the wrong light?

Don't get me wrong, I plan on continuing with meetings, I'm just wondering if I should check out different ones to see if it's a better "fit" for me.

Ann, you said something that hit home for me and I have to be honest with you, that is the reason I went to the meeting tonight and didn't wait another day. You said: "If you are like me, we always find time for our sons' urgent requests, but not time for somathing that may save our own sanity."

I was/am EXACTLY like that! I will break my neck to whatever it is he needs or wants, even if it's hard or inconvenient. Thanks for giving me that "shake".

Thank you all again for the wonderful support! Just knowing you guys are here has made me feel so much better already.
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:54 PM
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"I have read several stories of other peoples situations and it makes me start to question how "bad" my sons drug problem is. I can't say everyone on her, but many seem to be dealing with worse drugs and issues than my son (his pot and occasional harder drugs). I almost feel guilty for feeling as hopeless as I do. Am I wrong for feeling this way?"

There is nothing worse. Your situation is just as hard to deal with as anyone else's. Go with your gut. If you think it's serious, it probably is. Lots of addicts try to get over by using that "it's only pot" line. They're addicts, they lie. My AD is ashamed and still not ready to face up to what she's really been doing.

Cudos to you, Paula, for going to a meeting. They are not all the same and do try to find one you're comfortable with. Any meeting is better than none.

CB
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