AchilleysTendon

After a few weeks of sobriety my spouse comes home on a Friday night with wine for her and my old habit for me. That said I know it is my decision to drink or not! But I caved in. I am curious...as this is the same woman who yelled and screamed at me to stop drinking, why would she do this? She said "she felt guilty buying wine for her and nothing for me." ( WHAT???) She is in no way an A, a bottle of wine will last her a week no problem.
Is or could this be a control issue? She is a self admitted control freak. This has happened twice, both times after a couple of weeks of sobriety. It seems to happen when I am feeling week and thinking of drinking. I am now trying to get back on the good side of things. I am just thinking out loud here. Just wondering if anyone had a similiar situation, or more importantly you were the one who provided the stuff and why?

Thank you all!! I am inspired when I come here!

Fandy

I think it may be a control issue....do you need her more when you are drinking? does she feel superior that she is tempting you? I'm sorry but I don't buy her "feeling guilty" when she is aself-admitted controlling person...If she felt guilty not buying you anything, she could have gone into another store, purchased anything else and given it to you to make you feel BETTER about your abstinence....

how would have felt if she bought you a new CD? or sneakers? or tix to a new movie?...it would have felt supportive instead, now you are analyzing what she did...maybe you would like to gently remind her of this.

my X used to bring home cases of wine, then tsk, tsk about how fast I drank it and make unkind comments???? IDK, if he was trying to help or beat me up mentally.

CarolD

I had no spouse to tempt me ...but I did return to drinking
many times after I decided to quit.
It was fustrating and de-moralizing....

Then I read a book..."Under The Influence"
that explained to me that my brain and body
no longer processed alcohol correctly.

I took that info....re-committed to God and AA
and finally .....I stopped.

We have excerpts from "Under The Influence" as
a sticky in our Alcoholism.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Best "handbook" on alcoholism I know about

All my best....

CAPTAINZING2000

Cause, they want you to drink with no after effects !!
Many people don't understand we can't control our drinking ever. I'm easy going by nature but, I'll kick someone's ass for bringing drugs and alcohol in my house. I have that right to have a safe haven.

least

Boy oh boy, you got me! :wtf2 Sounds like a control issue to me. I'd for sure mention it to her that I didn't WANT any booze and would be grateful and happy if she didn't bring me any for any reason whatsoever.

AchilleysTendon

Thanks guys. Fandy I had not thought about it that way. I mean getting tickets to a movie or anything would have been great. She seems to really look down on me when I drink. The "tsk tsk tsk" has a familiar ring to it..

Captain you are right too. She said she wants me to occasionally drink.

Anna

I think that when we begin to recover, we see many things in a different light.

It could be that you are seeing things in your relationship that were not evident to you when you were drinking.

AchilleysTendon

Anna, that is a scary thought, one I have been thinking about. Maybe I saw but ignored or drank away what I was seeing.

four812

as I get sober, my girlfriend experiences things that she is not used to. sometimes it has seemed almost like she wished I was using again, even though she hates my using, . my comfort zone was using. and her comfort was when I used. for me to not use puts both of us out of our comfort zone

yeahgr8

No-one could stop me drinking if i wanted to and no-one could force me if i didn't...i used to do the same blame GF, friends, places etc...wait till you're sober before any drastic changes IMO and stop looking to rationalise why you drink, if you're like me you're a drunk and thats what drunks do...this is not a eurika moment, you could suggest she goes to al anon:-)

AchilleysTendon

Thanks Yeahgr8 for the comment. As I said in my post (I control if I drink or not). I do not blame her for my drinking. I am just sharing something that has happened in my life and looking to see if anyone else has had something similiar and or thier opinions. Sorry if I was unclear here.

littlefish

In the beginning, my husband didn't really get it. There were quite a few sabotage moments. He drank around me, all the time. Left liquor everywhere in the house. One dinner I wanted to knock his block off when he was going on and on about how great the bottle of wine was. Right. And, I had made it plain that I would never drink again.

But, the months have gone by and now I notice that his drinking has gone WAAAAAAY down.
To the point where he doesn't drink at all on some weekends, and that was when we drank a lot together.
No, his support of me was not perfect. Yes, I finally put a lock on the liquor cabinet and put a ban on liquor in the house. It was a hard time for me and my sobriety, but in the end I see that there is finally support for me.

Houndheart

I live alone...so there is nobody in my house to support me, but there is also nobody here to tempt me. That has got to be very hard. Yes, ultimately you are the one at your own helm...but jeezzzz..this is hard to have a spouse doing what appears to be sabbatage maneuveurs....and why?

Have you talked to her about why you need to abstain totally? (i.e. admitted to her you are an alcoholic...assuming that is why you attempting sobriety?)

Have you thought of gaining some outside support for yourself? (assuming that you have decided that sobriety is first and foremost for your life)

Have you suggested that she perhaps look into alanon for support and understanding?

Dee74

Hi again AchilleysTendon - welcome back

I had a lot of people trying to feed me drinks when I was trying to quit - I don't know whether their motivations were control, fear of change, or just a fundamental failure to understand alcoholism...

but when I repeatedly refused the drinks, they got the message eventually
D

Toronto68

Achilleys, I don't have the same experience since I'm single.

I suppose it could be that the "control" thing is just the natural dynamics of your relationship with your wife. People tend to fit like hand and glove somehow, and sometimes that means one person sets the agenda more than the other. It doesn't always mean that it's bad either.

If you haven't already, you could try asking your wife what was up with that, bringing home something to drink when she knew you had quit - unless you are on different pages as far as what kind of drinker you are. If you're like me and cannot drink sensibly (alcoholic), then that should come up in discussion. Or at the least, then a new understanding that alcohol is not for you; she could bring home umpteen other ideas, as has already been said here!

Sorry to act like a marriage counselor, I'm just trying to help weed out the issue as an objective stranger.

north

When I quit drinking, I was asked why I just wouldn't simply enjoy a glass or two of wine at home? After all, when I did drink at home, it was rare that I'd have even more than one drink if at all. The only exceptions were when we had friends over or perhaps when I was cooking or BBQ'ng. I declined as I was concerned maybe the problem would simply transfer home.

She kept insisting until I realized one important point -- she remains convinced that I am NOT an alcoholic. In her book, alcoholics are people who feel compelled to drink everyday and/or have an issue with over-drinking almost everytime they drink.

Rather than fight on definitions, I continued to turn down her offer. When she saw how much better I became in terms of my health, physique and overall fitness, I think I managed to quietly convince her that staying off the booze 100% was the right decision.

Gypsy Feet

As the wife of an alcoholic, I can tell you some of us are as sick as our spouses in our codependency and need help from a recovery program such as alanon.

As an alcoholic I can tell you that my H did not want to see me as defective, or admit there had been a problem, so he insisted I could drink normally. I finally sat him down and sternly told him that I was dying inside, and that I HAD to do this for me, whether it was in the comfort and confines of our relationship or out on my own.

He and I may have benefited from counseling, we never tried and are separated now.

Mark75

Two thoughts I have on this.

First is, Be grateful that you knew you had a problem with alcohol before she threw your @ss out. I know, sounds harsh, but if you spend any time over in the Friends and Family section you'll see some pretty heartbreaking stuff... the destruction to relationships that alcoholism has wrought is endless.

Second is, my relationship with my wife has changed...for the better to be sure, but, hey, this is a whole new dance and we are still learning the steps (I heard that analogy here and think it's a good one...) and we can't help but step on each others toes now and then.

My wife doesn't get it, how can she, she's not alcoholic. She didn't stop having her one drink before bed and that was tough at first, but I'm the one who can't drink and it's most definitely not her fault. Would she like me to enjoy that drink with her before bed...?? heck yes. But it's up to me to recover, not her, it's not her job, it's mine. I have a cup of herbal tea and we watch Leno and life is good, well, most nights, a lot more lately...

Push that glass of wine away and be grateful she still sits at the table with you. She'll get it eventually. She controls you only if you let her.

This is a good topic, one which I posted about a lot when I first came here. I never tire of these discussions, they are so important. We can recover from alcoholism and sometimes, but not always, so can our relationships.

Mark

tabfan

AchilleysTendon,

Welcome!

I can RELATE. I was married to a co-dependent. He and I used to drink. I guess I'm the only one who drank excessively. My husband scolded me after a night of drinking, telling me that I embarrassed him and he hated my drinking. After I was down-and-out humiliated, he would pat me on the back and say "Well, at least there weren't too many people out and about last night!" My self-esteem was dragging on the floor. Then, he would try to brighten the mood by saying something like: "Well, we should just go for a drive and just forget about it." And, on our way out of town, we would stop for fuel, where he would also get a six-pack and hand one to me in the car. Of course, I took it because I was addicted (still am, actually).

Fast forward seven years, and my employer insists I go to Treatment. I was not happy, but I went. When I got home, my husband said "I'm sure glad I got you to stop drinking; I feel a tremendous weight off my shoulders!"

W H A T ? !!!!! He dared to take credit for me getting sober!

Rev

My wife, I think, just doesn't want me to have a problem, so when I try and quit, she isn't real supportive. I mean, she'll ask me if I want her to pick me up some beer at the store. That kind of thing. And when I try to explain that I have a problem, she says, "Why don't you just give yourself a limit?"

About 5 years ago, I became vegetarian. Maybe she sees this change as just one more thing we can't do together, I dunno. LOL.

Rev