transformyself

So my AH has shifted into full blown, I love you and we'll work this out Baby just you wait and see mode.

I am only emotionally distant from it all. I feel like an outsider, just watching his antics. He's leaving town today until the weekend, thank goodness, and has sent me an email about how much he loves me, now that he sees the error of this ways, and how excited he is to get into therapy and work hard on all of our problems. He even, gasp, says he knows his drinking will need to be addressed.

Quack.
Quack.
Quack.

I am surprised that I don't feel sorry for him. I am surprised that I just look at it and go, poor guy, and get right back to my long list of stuff I have to do today. No surging hope. Nothing. Just watching it.

It's weird, but makes sense really if I think about it. I've been working on focusing on my own damn life since I found you guys in September.

Actually, I've been working on it since he started his affair two years ago, the one he so regrets now. I have to acknowledge that his admissions of knowing how much he hurt me, and his words of repentance do help. A bit. But I was working hard on getting past it even when he was blaming me, raging at me, being a total jerk. So I rely on myself for healing, not on him.

I think I'll have a ceremony at the marsh this week, the two year anniversary of when I busted him. A laughing ceremony, me and the kids and the little dogs. Hike, take food, offer it to The Spirits.

Thank you for my life.

Ceres

Maybe a few choice items for a bonfire? ;-)

Seriously tho, I wonder if writing a few words (that you don't intend to send) down, then burning them up (ashes to the wind) might be therapeutic.

Hammerhead

Hello Transform... my exah and I were recently divorced in February. Last Thanksgiving he called (from his parents 2 states away) and said he wanted to move back to town and work on the marriage... he even put a counselor on the phone with me. I was surprised that he went through the effort to do that.

So he moved back to town in January... (didn't move back in with me) said all the time how much he loved me and never...never brought up working on the marriage. It was like he was trying to "steal" back into homebase. So I took my good friends at SR advice... I watched him... watched him...watched him.... sure enough what he was saying WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than what he was doing.

We never made it to counseling...however...numerous times he managed to invite me out to hang with his friends a.k.a. drinking buddies... I said that I was busy... thanks.. no thanks. Next thing ya know... he's calling me wasted and accusing me of being a nasty *&%$#@... blah...blah...blah.... that I shouldn't be so stuck up about his friends... that I should want to be with him no matter who he's hanging around with or what they're doing. I said to him... I don't need that kind of marriage counseling. He called me later that night and told me that he had done everything he knew to do to save the marriage and that I should go ahead and file for divorce.

So I did. He seemed surprised when I told him we were divorced... he said "I thought you put that on hold and wanted to work on the marriage... I said I did put it on hold until you told me to file. He said oh...ok... guess that takes care of that.

That seems like a lifetime ago and it's only been a few months... I am so grateful for my friends at SR and their loving advice....

I was hopeful... but for me watching vs. hearing was key for me.

Relying on yourself is a good thing... I am awed by your strength and determination. Good for you!

transformyself

I often feel like we're part of an underground movement here. Like this site is a secret location. Shhh! Don't let them know we gather here, uncovering and disclosing their evil plots..

Alz-
To my delight, I"ve outgrown this phase of grief. I've burned his stuff, my stuff, long emotional letters. I wedged his beloved guitar under the front wheel of my car and sat in it waiting for him to come home. I was bat sh1t crazy for a long long time.

Seriously, the biggest and most miraculous change is that I don't even want to take the time to write anything to him. There's nothing left to say. Time, and hard work has set me free.

Unless I"m triggered, there is basically no emotion left for this man and that part of my life. I have screamed, cried, begged, written, defended, went back and examined, slept with him, tortured myself and done everything humanely possible to understand WTF is wrong with my marriage and husband.

Today when I think back to the time of disclosure, when I found out he not only had a girlfriend but brought her to my house, I am proud of what I've done over the past two years. Hell yeah.

I love my life! It's imperfect. The freaking dog keeps peeing on the carpet. My kids need new clothes. I"m late on several assingments. But I am no longer desperate, confused or afraid. And I sure as hell don't have anything else to say to him. Nothing to release to the fire or wind.

Just hope for myself and my kids.

GiveLove

I just love that.

His drinking will need to be addressed. Passive voice.

By some ambiguous "they," at some undisclosed date, time, and location. More info TBD.

Doing great, transformie. Have you ever done laughter yoga? Sounds like a good candidate for your ceremony too.

MsPINKAcres

Isn't that the best feeling ever???? Congratulations to you - don't you feel like you have finally won the war!!!!

I know that when I thought about some things I could "say" to my ex and instantly I heard my recovery brain say "it really doesn't matter, it's all been said before and he's never going to "hear" you anyway"

And I could just let it go - what great healing and peace ~

We can just live our lives regardless of what they do or don't do

Congrats to you - that is a beautiful gift from your hard recovery work!!!!

PINK HUGS to you!
Rita

lulu1974

My sponsor from Alanon used to tell me when I would hear from my husband to first ask..are you in active recovery? That was supposed to be the first thing I asked him. She said talking to him otherwise was pointless. I wish I had taken her suggestion at the time. I didnt understand what it meant but now I totally understand.

kittykitty

Thank you for sharing your success story, and how well you are doing.
I have been attempting no contact and complete detachment from my XABF and he keeps trying with the "i've changed so much, i've been to a couple of meetings and i'm making alot of progress" lines. He keeps coming by the house and texting me about my dog, (I just put him down last night) so that's his new excuse for contacting me. It's always nice to hear that my experience isn't different than everyone else's. Re-inforces that I'm making the right decisions.
Congrats on your progress!

What's this about laughing yoga?

Buffalo66

Sounds like you are doing great!

Keep it up!

transformyself

I might try laughing yoga with the kids on that walk. They don't have to know what we're celebrating, really, just that it's a celebration. We're party animals at our house anyway. They were up until 11 last night, laughing and reading. All in my room.
This is interesting:
I know I am strong, and determined, but when folks say this it makes me stop and think. I want to discount it. For some reason. I see who I am today a result of being royally screwed over as a child.

Denoraphy

I can not wait until my life is like that.

Congratulations to you and your imperfect life!!!

GiveLove

Not sure where i find out about these crazy things but...
Laughter Yoga - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

transformyself

I LOVE THIS!
HELLZ YEAH! It's true! I'm going to do this with the kids tonight.

GL you're the best.

Redheadsusie

I'm getting quacked at too- From You Huge B to We can work this out. I am trying to be content with day to day activities too. The kids , the greyhounds , the yard and the peace and the laughter we have now in our home. We laugh at the dogs all night- they are freaking crazy- My 1 grey smiles and is such a nut! Life is good- Keep up the good work! I am trying to not get pissy when I see our boat on the water without me in it and his lazy butt just chilling. GGHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRR~

transformyself

Denoraphy-
(Interesting name. Did you randomly select vowels and toss them with a real word?)
You too can have all this and more. I promise. Just keep. Focusing. On. YOU.

Even when it's scary, even when you're bored. When your A does cartwheels, ignores you, blames you, runs after you crying. Just pull all of your focus back onto your life. Even if you slip and engage, or run after him/her. Even if you come back here weeping that you screwed up and we were all right about what contact brings. None of it matters if you keep getting up in the morning and looking in that mirror and saying, "What kind of person do I want to be today?"

What can you do right now that makes it better? Do it. And mean it.

End of lecture.

transformyself

Suzy,
You miss your boat? Here's a suggestion-toss a fire bomb onto it when he's sleeping!
Oh, did I say that outloud? Sorry, here's the real answer-

Go buy another damn boat. Even if that seem impossible, know that you can do the impossible. You can! Without him. Buh bye drunky. Don't need you. Don't want you. And the next boat will be all mine.

Greyhounds. Dude, those guys are hilarious!

Jadmack25

Quote (( He even, gasp, says he knows his drinking will need to be addressed. ))

So what does that mean? Define HIS idea of addressing his drinking.

Is he going to parcel it up and send it some place else?
Hire a hall, and give some sort of "speech to the nation"?
Stand over it and hit it off the tee?
Go to rehab, attend AA, really work the steps?

I may not pick what he will do, but I bet I can guess which one he won't.

Somehow Transformie my dear, I feel you don't need to hold your breath on this.

God bless

transformyself

No breath holding here Momma. In fact, we'll be LAUGHING that breath out, thanks to GL!

tjp613

This is the best thread I've read in a loooong time. It's like reading someone say they've been miraculously cured of cancer. Just a big, long sigh of contented relief. Good on ya, Transformie.

transformyself

Gosh I feel that way too. Weird. Like I can live again. Like I cheated death.

I felt this way when I first moved out in September. It's been an interesting trip since then. Yep. I"m starting to wake up elated again. Anything is possible, as long as I walk the right path, do my best. I feel loved and taken care of, instead of rejected and abandoned.

In fact, I pretty much feel the opposite of how I feel when I"m deep in my own codependence. Or however that's spelled.


When I'm not practicing self love, detachment, acceptance in the moment of what is, and releasing attachment to outcome, I usually feel:
Ashamed
Afraid
Angry
Rejected

When I am practicing self love, detachment, acceptance in the moment of what is, and releasing attachment to outcome, I usually feel:
Proud
Safe
Compassionate and
Valued. Treasured. Taken care of. Loved.

I just have to make the connection between my conscious choices and the shift in my life.