BrightFuture

Before I found this forum, I actually begin to behave this way on and off, more as a way to preserve my own sanity than for anything else. I used to rage when my boyfriend wanted to drink, I used to beg, plead, reason, argue, fake leave our home, ignore him...of course it never worked.

A few times, I just gave in and accepted that my feelings and actions were not going to do anything to affect his drinking, except make my night worse.

What is the balance though? If I am detached when he drinks, do I just ignore him? That just seems passive aggressive to me.

Do I just accept that it is his decision and relax and have a good night with him, or at least the best night I can? That kinda seems like I'm approving of his decision, but I don't know what else to do, if I'm detaching.

Thanks for your advice guys!!

Pelican

This is a link from our permanent posts (stickies) on detachment:
Detaching - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I had to learn to allow my A to do what he wanted when he wanted. After all, I wanted the same freedoms as an adult.

In my home, I would go to another room if he was drinking. I spent a lot of time on the computer with SR, watched movies or read books. If he was out with friends, I went to bed when I was ready.

I had tried boundaries about the sleeping arrangements and intimacy. I said so intimacy if he had been drinking. I also insisted he start sleeping on the couch when he had been drinking, because his intoxicated snoring was keeping me up at night.

I couldn't continue living like that, however. I couldn't just keep living with him and waiting for something to happen like DUI, loss of job or more financial fallout from his drinking. I could not detach from finances that weren't available to pay our bills, but were available for cigarettes and alcohol. I needed legal protection from my active alcoholic and consulted a lawyer.

Some people are able to detach with love and stay in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I could not.

LaTeeDa

It took a long time for me to learn that "acceptance" is not the same as "approval." Accepting that the alcoholic will do whatever they will do does not mean you condone it. That is where boundaries come in. Doing what is best for your own peace of mind and sanity, regardless of what the alcoholic is doing. If he is drinking, and you want to spend the evening with him and make the best of it, then do that. If he is drinking and you want to get away from him and do something else that makes you happy, then do that. It's all about changing the focus of your life from him to you.

L

Hadassah

Apparently Pelican and I married the same man and lived the same life. Her story sounds just like mine. I have found that to be true with so many women.
I understand how you feel. I just carried on with my life as if he weren't there. I would speak when spoken to, acknowledge him when he came home, but I would just sew, watch TV in my room, or read. He got to where he would sleep in the chair in the living room. Yeah, I have the bed to myself and i don't have to listen to him snore.
I tried very hard to not let him engage me in conversation if he had been drinking.
When he was sober I tried to treat him like normal, but I guess I always stayed somewhat reserved. He will get it that you don't approve. He will probably get hostile at times because he feels guilty. If he's like mine , anyway.What helps me is to come here to SR. What a life line! Also I pray alot.
Hadassah

MovingForward

I understand exactly what you're going through. I'm not leaving my AH. I made up my mind a long time ago that I would stick it out for better or worse. He's not an abusive drunk. I hate to see him get so stupid, though, so I normally watch some TV with him and then head to my room early to watch tv, read, crossword puzzles. It's acceptance, like LaTeeDa said, not approval. If I'm lucky I'm sound asleep when he finally stumbles into the bedroom and I don't have to see that unfocused look, like he doesn't even see you. I hate that. Detachment is a wonderful thing.

Jadmack25

Detachment is a coping mechanism, something to help stop becoming embroiled in the madness, of putting responsibility for drinking and alco behavior where it belongs...to he drinker.

I use it now with some folks who otherwise would drive me nuts.

In a relationship, it serves to keep us sane....but I find the idea of staying detached in a marriage, rather hard to swallow.
I guess if I were to get married again, it would be that I loved him and wanted to share with him, be with him.....or am I old fashioned thinking this way?

If being with him is so bad, I need to leave the room, mentally avoid him, get away from what he is doing.....what am I getting from this marriage?

I look at detachment as only a temporary step, on the way to personal growth and learning. The thought of staying detached, and still living together during the 18 years it took my XAH to drink himself to death, makes my blood run cold.

Just my take on detachment,

God bless

MovingForward

I see what you're saying, Jadmack. And I feel it too, sometimes. I'm so used to this, that it just seems normal. Scary, huh?

LucyA

WOW, this detatchment thing has bugged me since I first came here, my A was my brother, I could never have lived with him and been 'detatched', and I don't think I could have been 'involved' as I was, with his son and stayed sane, something would have had to give on my part I think, i would have had to move away from his house or something,.
Thanks, I never really understood it, but as a temporary step it would have worked for me!

transformyself

Wow, look at this from the thread pelican posted
AMEN!!