I'm the reason he doesn't come home?

Old 04-12-2010, 07:25 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 7
I'm the reason he doesn't come home?

The woman my AHSTBXF (BF) exploded our 14 years of life together over were overhead discussing me..(not to say she is the only reason - but her stepping in as a new enabler has been the slope to hell. I know alcoholism is the problem and the problem under that is the real problem..but you know what I mean..)

She meets him in the bar, drinks with him, has half azzed booty calls with him after hours AND HOURS of drinking when he is drunk in the car. (absolutely disgusting)

She said: "You told me the reason that you did not go home at night was because SHE was there..."

He said: "Correct"

She said " So, if SHE wasn't there, you wouldn't be drinking? Doesn't she KNOW that?"

He said: It's all been explained to her. In fact, if she wasn't there...I wouldn't have gone out tonight.

She said: I'm going to call her and tell her about it!

(He had been drinking for hours when the conversation took place).

SO NOW- I'M THE REASON HE DRINKS AND DOESN'T COME HOME??

He has never had a specific time to come home but when he comes home drunk, I am not happy about it. I TOTALLY stand in the way of his drinking. He has been going out nightly for at least the last 4-5 years. NIGHTLY.

I am so f'ing enraged- I asked him if the reason he did not come home was because I was here...he said "no".
Have any of you ever been told that??? They don't want to come home because you are there?? HE EVEN SAID IT TO ME LAST SATURDAY NIGHT..WAS DRIVING AROUND DRUNK OUT OF HIS M-I-N-D, SAYING HE WANTED TO KILL HIMSELF. SAID IN A SMALL VOICE " I DON'T WANT TO COME HOME".
1logically is offline  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:36 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
Well, if I wanted to drink and whenever I came home there was someone there fighting with me, I'm not sure I'd want to come home either. Fighting with him about his drinking isn't doing anyone any good. He's still going to drink and you're still going to be angry about it and it's just a vicious cycle.

Have you tried detachment? Have you tried Al-anon meetings to learn how to detach and take care of yourself and stop obsessing about him?
suki44883 is offline  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:43 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Oh my 1logically,
I can feel your pain and rage just jumping off the page!
You are in serious emotional trouble.
It is effecting every day of your life.
Please go to AlAnon to get some perspective and learn how to live without these addicted, and insane people in your life.
Let go or be dragged.
I think you are starting to get some road rash.
Please get some help for yourself.
Beth
wicked is offline  
Old 04-12-2010, 08:32 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Why does someone who acts like this still have a home with you in it?
Since you're not married, why don't you just get out?
stella27 is offline  
Old 04-12-2010, 08:56 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by 1logically View Post
SAID IN A SMALL VOICE " I DON'T WANT TO COME HOME".
Well, don't come home then.

Have you considered changing the locks?

Ok ok, it's mean of me, but he sounds like such a king baby. Ugh. I feel your pain. I was also told that I was the reason AH went out. IMO, he didn't come home because I had become the embodiement of his conscience, looking him straight in the eyes and telling him, whether wordlessly or not, that he was disgusting.
nodaybut2day is offline  
Old 04-12-2010, 09:28 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Elsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Yep, I've been told that before too and it hurts like hell!

I've been there, it's a toxic and heart wrenching place to be.
Elsie is offline  
Old 04-12-2010, 10:06 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((1logically))

First let me say how much I hate to hear that you have been in this type of situation for so many years - I'm sure that has been painful, miserable, scary and heartbreaking.

Please know that there is help for YOU.

Thru our own recovery - posting here, talking with recovery friends/sponsor, attending Al-Anon meetings, reading recovery literature - we learn that Hurting People HURT people.

Most Active Alcoholics/Addicts carry inside a tremendous amount of pain, guilt and agony. They are not doing anything healthy to manage these emotions and many project these feelings onto those closest to them. Their partners, spouses, siblings, parents, and children. That's why it's called the FAMILY disease of alcoholism/addiction.

For me, this is why I came here for the help, love and support of others affected by this disease - so that I could learn what was healthy and recovery oriented - how I could take care of ME - to make decisions based on my best interest, to learn to set healthy boundaries so that I no longer tolerated unacceptable behaviors.

Please remember you are worth of ALL the miracles of recovery in YOU - Keep coming back and reaching out for help so that you can find them for YOU!!!

Wishing you HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 04-12-2010, 10:37 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
KeepPedaling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
My xabf said a lot of things to me that were very hurtful. VERY hurtful. Some of what he said he meant, and some of the things he said, he didn't mean. The thing is, it doesn't really matter because I wasn't happy. He was drinking, so we couldn't really have a meaningful healthy relationship, which is what I really want to have if I'm going to be in a relationship.
It doesn't sound like this man makes you feel happy. He doesn't sound like someone you can lean on, and he sure doesn't sound like a best friend. He sounds like he's an addict that does what addicts do, cheats, lies, disappears, takes all of your energy and focus away from you. etc.
Just out of curiosity, what do you do for fun?
KeepPedaling is offline  
Old 04-12-2010, 11:01 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
ItsmeAlice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving.

It's a classic line and I've read it many times here on SR, and I have to say accepting it was hard for me.

My XABF could really pour it on. Good and bad. He told me I was the reason for his depression, his lack of work, his unhappiness, his binge drinking, his inability to quit smoking, his lack of sex drive, his lack of interaction with his family, and his rage when he just couldn't stand the site of me anymore.

He also told me I was the love of his life, that if he had the power to quit drinking he would have long ago, that I am the only one who really understands him, that I give him the motivation to get up in the morning, and without me his life would be a dark and empty place that would swallow him whole.

Oh I remember these things over the years for sure. What I don't know is why I chose to believe the good when the bad is what I heard most often and why I thought any of it was true anyway.

There is a rule in law that when a witness on the stand tells one lie that is drawn out by other evidence a jury has cause to discount the entire testimony of the witness no matter its weight in the case.

So that would mean if my XABF lied about one thing, I had the right to wave off any other quacking coming out of his mouth. I wish I considered that as some point. It would have saved me many years of hurt.

Your addict told the other woman what he wanted her to hear so he could keep his booty calls and drinking buddy. Why would she hand around if she thought she was competing with the perfect woman at home.

He tells you that you're the reason he drinks so that you'll excuse his behavior. He then tells you whatever he has to to keep you hanging on at home.

I was saved by practicing firm boundaries and compassionate detachment. Addiction is a disease and these recovery tools will keep you safe and sane in the midst of it.

Keep working through these issues and the answers will come.

Best wishes,
Alice
ItsmeAlice is offline  
Old 04-12-2010, 11:05 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
So sorry to hear that! What crap!
You know what they say about alcoholics. It's all quacking - quack, quack, quack. Just a bunch of b.s. hurtful, ridiculous nonsense.

I agree with suki. Alanon (and reading here) will really help you detach so that when he says and does cruel things you can just look at him and think, "Quack, quack, quack!"

Why would YOU want to stay with someone that says they drink and cheat because they don't want to be around you? Yuck-o!

You deserve love and respect. It doesn't sound like you are getting it!

Hugs and peace,
FP
FindingPeace1 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:57 AM.