I just want some opinions

Old 04-11-2010, 04:02 PM
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I just want some opinions

So, my boyfriend got drunk and went into a rage a few days ago. The next morning, he claimed he knew he was mean, but didn't really remember anything. I'm sure he does remember more than he's letting on, even though I know he does black out. It just seems convienent that he has some idea, but not enough to know what happened. In the past with his black outs, it's all or nothing. Anyhow, he told me the day after that he felt awful and would do whatever it takes so it doesn't happen again. I know enough not to hold my breath on that one.

Well, today I asked him if he was going to go to AA, since that was the plan. He said no, and he didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't yelling or confrontational. All I said was that I was hoping he would go due to what happened the other night. He immediately got angry, said I ruined his mood, and then went and pouted in the bathroom, thanking me for ruining things and knowingly putting him in a bad mood. I didn't chase him or anything. I know his response was out of line for my question. I didn't feel guilty at all, like I'm sure he wanted, because I feel it was a legit question. I'm sorry for rambling, but my question here is, why do you think he blew up so fast? Is it because he knows he should go?

He doesn't normally have anger issues. It's a rare occurance when he's drunk, like once a year. However, when he doesn't want to discuss something, he often uses pouting or even scare tactics about us to derail conversations, or he just shuts down and ignores me.

Thanks guys.
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Old 04-11-2010, 05:55 PM
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Welcome Bright future!

You have described my ex very well here. I had no idea he had ever been to the Midwest.

In all seriousness....

When my ex would have a drunken rage, which were also initially infrequent, he would follow that up the next day with apologies and pouting, too. He would promise some form of moderation or abstinance program and, like you, I wouldn't hold my breath. After a short while any mention of this 'program' no matter how indirect would prompt a complete blowup by my ex. In time, I understood that his fight was two-fold. It would make me seem like the crazy one and he would have to start drinking again to tolerate me. Or. It would make me angry back at him thus giving him the excuse to drink again. If I'm going to rage at him for being sober, what's the point of it, right?

Recovery is about you. The reasons he does these things is no longer a focus for us now. I know it seems impossible to not wonder why. I still spend time wondering why people in my life do certain things, but I have learned not to let myself be stalled by it. I can go on with my life without knowing why and it's vital that I remember that.

What your boyfriend is doing is just what addicts do. What recovering family members do is keep their hands and their thoughts out of the addiction. Next time you want to ask about AA, stop and play this recent conversation with him back in your mind. You know where it's going to lead so make a change and don't ask. Wait and watch his actions. If he goes, good for him. If he doesn't, decide how that affects you and if you are willing to let it go. If it's a dealbreaker and he has to go to AA for you to stay than follow up on your boundaries and leave.

More will come along with their experiences..

Wishing you the best!

Alice
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Old 04-12-2010, 03:56 AM
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Thank you Alice. You're right. I have often twisted myself in knots trying to figure out what his motives are. I guess I feel like, if I remind him or give him a nudge, that he could make the right choice and change. Oh sure, I've "nudged" him in the right direction before. He'd attend a meeting for me, even did it for a week or so, but in the end, it was pointless. Probably because he was just going through the motions. So, it's better to sit back and watch how it plays out.

On a side note, I have realized, fairly recently, that if I ignore his pouting and don't feed into it, that he stops much sooner than if I try to talk it out. That was a tough one for me, because I'm always one to try that. However, if I stay out of it, then it affects me less and I don't become the object of his pouting and he isn't able to pick a fight with me.

This has made things much better between us. If only I had realized it sooner!
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