Hes in a tough spot......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: rochester NH
Posts: 109
Hes in a tough spot......
12 days clean and my brother wakes up today, goes to the gym goes back to the place where he is staying for now and the other 2 guys that live there are in the process of getting high at the table........he goes into the bathroom and calls me crying he couldnt reach his sponser, tells me its so hard to be there when he walks in on something like that, also told me one of the guys was begging my brother to go to a dealer he knows cause its cheaper, so he says to him, im clean leave me alone please. Right now this is his only option for a place to live, the shelters there are ran by a company called smock and he owes smock 300.00 from when he lived in the sober house, and until that is paid they wont help him. He is activly looking for a job and until that happens he cant leave where he is. My door is open to him but i am 2 hrs away and he is trying to build a life, not jump from state to state and place to place, i understand that but at the same time,the codie in me wants to rescue him. SO he took his shower and left. I basically told him use the place for sleeping and taking his shower and leave for the day, its all he can do besides doing what he loves which is working out, and his meetings, and spending time with his girlfriend, so today so far he has remained clean.......maybe it was a test for him? He didnt give in but he did say he knows in time he will if hes living here, its like me trying not to eat chocolate and being in a roomful of people eating it everyday, eventually im going to eat it.....Please continue to pray for him!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Nichole)) - I am praying for your brother and you.
I do want to gently remind you, though sweetie, that as much as you love him, this is HIS journey. I know what it's like to be totally enmeshed in the life of an A, and it's emotionally draining. I'm both an RA and someone who has A's in my life.
Yes, he is not in the most supportive place, right now, but these are his consequences and this is something he's got to go through. You were absolutely right in recommending he leave the house, when people were getting high there, but when we A's want to stay clean bad enough, we will figure that out on our own.
It's great that you love him so much, it really is....I just think it's taking up a lot of your time and energy, worrying about how he's doing. How are YOU doing? What are you doing for YOU? What do you do, each day, that is fun? What brings a smile to your face..something that has nothing to do with your brother, addiction, etc.?
When I got clean, it meant a LOT to me that my family had gone on with their life. Yes, they always loved me, but life went on for them, and I'm glad. It would have given me SOOOO many more regrets and shame, had they put their life on hold, all focused on me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I do want to gently remind you, though sweetie, that as much as you love him, this is HIS journey. I know what it's like to be totally enmeshed in the life of an A, and it's emotionally draining. I'm both an RA and someone who has A's in my life.
Yes, he is not in the most supportive place, right now, but these are his consequences and this is something he's got to go through. You were absolutely right in recommending he leave the house, when people were getting high there, but when we A's want to stay clean bad enough, we will figure that out on our own.
It's great that you love him so much, it really is....I just think it's taking up a lot of your time and energy, worrying about how he's doing. How are YOU doing? What are you doing for YOU? What do you do, each day, that is fun? What brings a smile to your face..something that has nothing to do with your brother, addiction, etc.?
When I got clean, it meant a LOT to me that my family had gone on with their life. Yes, they always loved me, but life went on for them, and I'm glad. It would have given me SOOOO many more regrets and shame, had they put their life on hold, all focused on me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
The best thing to say to an addict is:
You are a smart beautiful person. I have faith in you to make the right choices.
That's it. That's all. Anything more is too much. Anything less could be a dis-service.
I'm glad he's owning his recovery. Are you owning your own? Are you attending al-anon or co-da or anything type of support group? Being overly wrapped up in someone elses recovery can be detrimental to your own sanity and to their success as well.
It's so important not to lose sight of the fact that no matter what his decisions are, your world will continue on and you are responsible for making the most of it.
You are a smart beautiful person. I have faith in you to make the right choices.
That's it. That's all. Anything more is too much. Anything less could be a dis-service.
I'm glad he's owning his recovery. Are you owning your own? Are you attending al-anon or co-da or anything type of support group? Being overly wrapped up in someone elses recovery can be detrimental to your own sanity and to their success as well.
It's so important not to lose sight of the fact that no matter what his decisions are, your world will continue on and you are responsible for making the most of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: rochester NH
Posts: 109
I do not go to alanon there are 2 meetings in my town and they are at night, i dont drive and my father doesnt drive at night, so thats out. For ME, i joined curves, the gym for woman, and thats about all i do for me 2 or 3 times a week, everything else if focused on my 2 yr old son and my 23 yr old brother, I know he is an adult and has made his own bed, its just so hard to know someone i love has this as a life and I know you all feel the same way. This is the hardest thing ive ever been through and its horrible. I do tell him daily that i have all the faith in the world in him and i know he can beat it and he thanks me for my love and my support. Next week my son and i are going on a mini vacation to Mass to my moms so we will have some fun, i will be seeing him but only for 3 hrs on one day and if he has happend to have used that wont be happening. I just keep praying and hoping. Someone once told me that going to NA is helpful for people lovng addicts? Anyone else agree? Since i cant get to alanon? Just a thought
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Nichole)) - I know of some people who have said they were glad they went to NA meetings because they heard of addicts say they were grateful that their loved ones let them "fall on their face and deal with their consequences". If you do choose to go, make sure it's an open meeting...anyone can go to those. Closed meetings are for addicts only.
I hope you and your son enjoy your vacation.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I hope you and your son enjoy your vacation.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
NA is really more for the addicts than the loved ones of addicts so that won't be as helpful to you as alanon.
Have fun on vacation - no matter what choices your brother makes. :-) It's all up to him whether he beats it or not. He just can't use no matter what. Sometimes it's hard for that message to sink in. Sometimes addicts don't get it the first time. But that doesn't mean we don't love them. It just means we give them space to learn the tough lessons that go along with addiction. We protect ourselves because we (our families, our children) deserve a life free of addiction and drugs and all the chaos that goes along with it.
Have you read Co-dependent No More? There may be some useful messages in there for you. (Not that the mom of a two year old gets much time to read).
Have fun on vacation - no matter what choices your brother makes. :-) It's all up to him whether he beats it or not. He just can't use no matter what. Sometimes it's hard for that message to sink in. Sometimes addicts don't get it the first time. But that doesn't mean we don't love them. It just means we give them space to learn the tough lessons that go along with addiction. We protect ourselves because we (our families, our children) deserve a life free of addiction and drugs and all the chaos that goes along with it.
Have you read Co-dependent No More? There may be some useful messages in there for you. (Not that the mom of a two year old gets much time to read).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
the focus at an na meeting is the wrong one for you, imo.
s/r is a good alanon replacement.
this stinks for your bro. probably all his friends are drug users. if he could crash at someone's place it would be better, but he does need to figure out how to deal with stressors and such in a way that does not include getting high.
s/r is a good alanon replacement.
this stinks for your bro. probably all his friends are drug users. if he could crash at someone's place it would be better, but he does need to figure out how to deal with stressors and such in a way that does not include getting high.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: rochester NH
Posts: 109
He hasnt been in that town for way to long, so all of his friends are the ones in the sober house where he was living, he left to live with his gf and that wasnt the right choice, she got preg, kicked him out, and he relapsed. The guys house he is at night was a member of AA and NA who has relapsed as well. So as far as staying with friends, he cant because they are all in sober housing, As soon as he gets a job and pays the company back that runs the sover house, he can get back into one, but for now, hes kinda just stuck.
He made it through today clean, 12 days
He made it through today clean, 12 days
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
