crd

I'm caring for two teens who were living with an alcoholic single mother until they moved in with me. Now their mother is in recovery and expects them to return home but they don't want to. Even if the mother is successful in her recovery and becomes healthy, does reconciliation necessarily require living together again? The courts are not involved in this decision but I'm wondering about the moral question -- does a mother who has damaged her relationship with kids through long term alcohol use have a right to expect that reconciliation will also mean taking on their care again? They are now in a safe place physically and emotionally, are concerned that returning home might make them vulnerable to relapses, and no longer have any feelings of attachment to their mother.

I understand that for everyone's sake, there should be some sort of reconciliation should the recovery continue but am wondering if resumption of physical caretaking is a necessary part of that. I'm interested in your opinions. (I've purposely been vague about details of the situation to protect privacy.)

CRD

kv816

I told xabf that I would move back in and give our relationship another try--if he could show me 6 months sobriety working an active program. That doesn't mean he just doesn't drink for 6 months, I move in and then our relationship starts up and so does his drinking. It means he's got to put some effort into actually repairing HIMSELF before any attempt is made at repairing us.

"They" say the first year is the hardest, with the majority of relapses happening within the first six months. She should know this, if she's actually working a program.

If the choice to stay with you is the kids' decision, then she should stand beside that.

barb dwyer

hi crd and welcome!

i'm not a lawyer, but if there's going to be contention about the teens returning home
your'e going to need one.

In the state of montana, I don't know about anywhere else,
a kid can file their own complaint , all they need is a lawyer.

A teen is also 'emancipated' in this state at age sixteen
but that (I think) has to be agreed upon by parents. Or guardians.

And, I am not understanding how the teens are living with you
for any great amount of time ... with her in recovery
that legal services havent become involved anyhow?

You are not the childrens legal guardian
then you are also putting the kids at risk
because most hospitals will not release the child
without the presence of the legal guardian.

you cannot legally sign for emergency medical care
nor can you purchase certain prescriptions
if they need them.

I know here in montana
you yourself are running a risk of legal action
by the state alone
if the kids have lived with you for any given length of time
without written consent of the parent
and proof of receiving treatment.

That's when the state becomes involved anyhow.

barb dwyer

sorry - that should have said IF you are not the legal guardian...

wicked

crd,

i have teenage children, and i would not want them to stay with me (i am a recovering alcoholic) if they did not want to.
have they told you why they don't want to reconcile with their mother?
it usually takes a lot of damage for children to not to want a reconciliation. has it been tried before and she failed?
i would want to know why the kids feel as they do. nothing will be gained for either side if they are not ready to work together.
and, just because she gave birth to them, that does not make her a mother.
beth

crd

The court did award me legal guardianship by mutual consent with the mother and extended family -- what I meant by the courts not being involved is that it is not a foster care situation so unless the mother sues to regain custody, the decisions will be made between the kids and the Mom. I don't think she would sue if the kids didn't want to go back but I'm really wondering more about the larger question of whether return to the birth home is always the best even if the mother is in recovery. I think "Wicked" raised one of my concerns -- for the mother to work on recovery while also caring for teens who probably have a lot of anger from the past doesn't seem like the best scenario for staying sober. I'm also just curious about people's experience with reconciliation of teens versus younger children -- most of the literature I've seen involves younger kids who are probably more resilient and able to put aside the past than teens. These kids not only suffered years of alcoholism but were emotionally abandoned by their mother during some serious crises in their lives and it's hard for me to imagine all of that being overcome so that they will want to return to their mother's home. I think my question is, at this point, more a curiosity about other people's experiences with this since, as I said, most of what I read has to do with younger children not teens.