BeautifulDisatr

Just need to vent. I know once I do I will be fine and have the strength to move forward but I am sooo pist. I am trying to remain true with who I am while dealing with his ( ABF) F-ed up drug attitude and behavior. I just texted him giving him a heads up the next Friday I am going to visit one of my friend's and her new baby. It’s been months since I have seen her. I get a reply that says “Whatever"

Now I know this is where I messed up I replied back – asking what’s with the attitude. He always throws in my face how I don’t tell him anything. SO I told him – these plans are not even until next week Friday. Mind you I don’t see him anymore – he does not spend the weekends with me anymore since he relapse, Hell he doesn’t make time for me expect Saturday night. I know, I know what your thinking plus I don’t want to be around while he is high, but I f-ing miss him. Anyways I made plans to get out and be with friends. I did nothing wrong – now he just sent me a text saying don’t be surprised when I don’t answer the phone.

WTF!!!!!

Why am I in tears? Why am I hurt? He is being the @$$, I did nothing wrong – why do I always feel hurt. Why do I allow him to make me feel guilty – is it is guilt I feel?–I don’t even know what I feel – anger, frustration, resentment – just plain hurt from his rudeness!!!! Guilt is not the right word because I have done nothing wrong. But my stupid @ss would cancel plans just to be able to have some quality time together.

I DON’T DESERVE THIS CRAP!!!!!!!!!

I F$#%ING HATE DOPE, I HATE what has become of my man!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this!!!!!

tchappy

Hi

I agree with Anvil...there is truly NO quality time with an active addict. I used to wish for that with my ex ABF and it never came. I wished, hoped, prayed, begged and it NEVER came. Drugs are the most important thing to an active addict.

Until you realize that the DRUG is his main priority, you won't be able to be set free. It took me to realize this and ACCEPT it before I could move on and decide I deserved better. Just like you do...you deserve better!!!

coffeedrinker

i don't understand the nature of the text letting him know about your friday plans, when you usually have a saturday date. "heads up" you said, but why did he need a heads up? i wonder if you were just searching for a "reason" to contact him? just fishing a little, to see what, or if, a reply would come? just a hunch.

honey, anvil is spot on. you miss him, and you are sacrificing a part of yourself: your integrity, your self-respect, by having a relationship with someone who does not treat you well. i hope you go into all interactions with him, with no expectations. us reasonable people often expect our addicts to be reasonable, but it's not possible if they are still using.

BeautifulDisatr

Thank you for all your replies. It was a hard emotional weekend for me but I am feeling better now. My ABF did not come by this weekend; instead he picked a fight with me and TRIED to use manipulation to make me do for him or he wasn’t coming over to see me. Long story short - I told him I love him and I care for him but this emotional manipulative roller coaster we are on has got to stop.- SO I AM STOPPING IT.

He doesn’t want to see me – FINE
He wants to blame me for everything – FINE
He thinks I abandoned him – FINE
He thinks I am a liar and ***** – FINE

It’s not fine, but I am tired of fighting. Your right I cannot expect someone to be rational when they are all doped on drugs and completely irrational. I kept comparing his behavior to a spoiled rotten child. I don’t allow my children to get away with there temper tantrum. My ABF was not going to get way with his.

I told him I will not behave the way he wants me to, in order to accommodate or “understand” his drug behavior; let alone I am tired of him believing that he doing me a favor by allowing me to see him. He knows how very much I miss him and I am worried about him. I explained I am here for him, that I love him dearly and I care for him. I told him I will help and encourage his sobriety in anyway I can but I can no longer tolerate this emotional, destructive, psychotic, manipulative, B.S. drug behavior. Sooo……. He didn’t come and I didn’t allow myself to react around him. Mind you I was very emotional, I just stood my ground and did not allow my emotions to dictate my actions (which between you and me is very difficult for me to do right now).

I do miss him terribly but your right, it’s not quality time and NOTHING like it used to be. Figure I am alone already, the only difference is this time I didn’t allow him to manipulative me and I am not resentful, or angry. I was in control ( No money, no gas, no food for him). I am just terribly hurt and sad. But I was before too. He texted me twice yesterday – “Thinking of you” and “Sweet Dreams, I love you”. I replied back the same but that has been the extent of our talking.

I cannot turn my back and leave him. I don’t have the emotional strength right now and somewhere naively with-in me I still hold on to the hope that someday (not today or tomorrow) he will hit his rock bottom and wake the “F” up. I hope me standing my ground was another step closer to his rock bottom. So I will focus on Detachment with Love, working my steps and trying to have faith in God.


THIS SUCKS!!!! But I am doing it and at least I can positively look at the situation that the person I am becoming is a more beautiful, intelligent and strong woman.

Thank you for listening to my babbling. Thank you for letting me vent.

ThatLittleGirl

now he just sent me a text saying don’t be surprised when I don’t answer the phone.

“Thinking of you” and “Sweet Dreams, I love you”

These both sound like controlling behaviors...to reel you in and keep you on a leash...just for him. It's selfish of him to throw that out at you... I agree with what Cynical One said... "You may not pick up the phone...? You won't have to worry about it...I won't give you a reason to consider not answering it...I won't call at all!!!"

Active addicts can be sooooo manipulative and such liars...(see sticky 'What Addicts Do' above...it's my bible in these kinds of situations).

- informed my AH yesterday that I was planning on filing for a divorce. He has changed angles with me several times to try to convince me not to...but I won't be dissuaded. This isn't about him, this is about me...and all his games and word-smithing won't change the fact that I've made up my mind to get better... I think this afternoon he finally saw that I was not going to change my mind... I need this for me...and for my children...we've been put through the ringer for years because I've allowed it. I won't allow it anymore, and you don't have to either. You just need to decide when enough's enough...and take steps to move forward. You are stronger than you think...

If you need to chat...email me anytime!

Christen

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Addicts are soooooo selfish. And we turn OUR LIVES upside down in order to accomodate them. I have no room to talk to be honest with you. But maybe if I give you good advice, I could take some of my own advice.

On Friday I went to the first nar anon meeting I have been to in almost a year. And just one meeting taught me so much. I really think that the first step to getting better is to do things for ourselves. Of course your addict is going to get mad, because he is so used to you catering to him. And of course we are going to feel the all too familiar guilt. We must do things to take care of ourselves. We must take OUR lives back.

Hang in there. Stay strong. Go to a meeting!

Christen

BeautifulDisatr

Thank you for all your advice. I know you are right. I can see the reality of the situation. Its just sooooo hard

It’s funny, in a pathetic, sick sort of the way. I guess I too am an "addict" except it is not drugs or alcohol - its hope, I’m addicted to hope.

I have found one Nar Anon meeting in my area. It’s Sunday Mornings - I go to church and I am not willing to give that up. I need my faith right now,. It sucks there are 100's of Al Anon meeting everyday throughout the week – morning, noon and night. And in a city of billions of people there are only a handful of Nar Anon meeting that are atleast 45mins away from where I live –

I am thankful I have SoberRecovery and all of you.

Thank you again.


God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

coffeedrinker

beautiful,

alanon is also good support. you can get a sponsor through that. the focus is the same, the "work" is the same.

hope you are experiencing some peace.