Reckon I'm reaching out...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 2
Reckon I'm reaching out...
Hi… I’m new to this whole thing and I’m really not sure what I’m looking for but here I am.
So, about my situation… I have been with my man for a while now and it’s been a pretty whirlwind relationship. We met at a bar that we both frequented and alcohol was our common denominator, so that turned in to an every night thing. There was a lot I didn’t understand at the time.
Digressing a little, I was trying to my ex out of my house so at the time I didn’t have anywhere to go and – let’s call him T – T’s girlfriend and he were on the outs so he had the house to himself. Needless to say, I started staying with T.
I quickly realized that T’s ritual was to hit the bar every night after work. This meant that I would need to meet him down there. I had nowhere else to go since I couldn’t go home, that is usually where we ate dinner, I had no money and T would foot the bill. At this point T and I’s relationship was strictly casual and fun, so, hey, what the heck.
After a couple months, however, it was clearly apparent that while things were fun, our drinking habits had increased considerably. I was not much of a drinker before but due to my situation, I was following T. He needed “eye openers” more and more, lunch drinks to get rid of the shakes, and drinks so he could sleep. I, on the other hand, was growing tired of the bar and the liquor, but T and I were growing closer and closer and inevitably falling hard and fast for each other. Eventually, we fell in love.
Digressing again: T is a military man. He did a tour in Iraq and came back with PTSD. He hated it over there. He saw more than his share of bloodshed due to the role he played and the drinking did not help, although he felt like it did (numbing the memories and pain). There were many nights where the flashbacks were bad, the shotguns came out (not to shoot, but just for protection from the unseen), and the ghosts manifested.
It finally got to the point where his drinking was interfering with work (still full time with the military) and they politely insisted on inpatient rehabilitation. To make a long story a little shorter, he went for 29 days and returned home mid last month.
I made him a count down calendar for each day, went to see him every weekend, and showed him full support and I haven’t had a drink either since he left. I am ok with that. I believe it is the right thing to do.
Now that he is home, I am battling with feelings of responsibility for his sobriety. When he has an urge/craving to drink, I don’t know what to say or do. I am not good at this stuff.
He has not followed through with his aftercare. He still goes to his psychiatrist weekly and gives a feeble attempt to make a meeting once a week, but that’s it.
Sometimes, when he is having an urge, he will “jokingly” ask me if I want to stop by the bar and have a drink. When I say no, he says “jokingly” voices his disappointment. I have told him several times that he is an adult and if he wants to have a drink that is his choice. He cannot use me as an excuse. Isn’t that right?
I feel anxious if we’re both off work and I am not with him. Like I have to make sure he doesn’t drink. I asked him last night when he is going to start recovery even though he has been out of treatment for almost a month. I told him recovery and not drinking are two different things and that I don’t feel he is in recovery. He is just not drinking.
He’s been pushing his limits, like taking me out to dinner at the bar that we used to frequent. I don’t know how to address it or even if I should.
People keep telling me it is not my responsibility. But I am a caring participant. On the other hand, it’s not like he was a violent drunk or a mean drunk. In fact, he was just as generous and loving as he is when he is sober. But I do see the consequences.
He’s a soldier. So I believe accepting weakness is not an option for him at this time, or maybe ever. I hate to say anything to him because I don’t want to trigger him IN to drinking so I find myself keeping my mouth shut, which results in my own feelings of anxiety and frustration.
Last night, he had a drink. That is an entire other entry in and of itself, but it happened. How do I feel about it? I don’t know… Scared, I guess. I suppose this will manifest within me even more anxiety and feelings that I have failed in some way.
So I guess my situation is definitely two-fold. I see his issues, but I definitely see my own issues and am trying to figure out how to deal with them. I know I can’t fix him. I knew this was going to happen. I know myself. And now I can’t figure out how to stop my own anxieties and feelings of responsibility. He is not my child. I cannot fix him.
So, about my situation… I have been with my man for a while now and it’s been a pretty whirlwind relationship. We met at a bar that we both frequented and alcohol was our common denominator, so that turned in to an every night thing. There was a lot I didn’t understand at the time.
Digressing a little, I was trying to my ex out of my house so at the time I didn’t have anywhere to go and – let’s call him T – T’s girlfriend and he were on the outs so he had the house to himself. Needless to say, I started staying with T.
I quickly realized that T’s ritual was to hit the bar every night after work. This meant that I would need to meet him down there. I had nowhere else to go since I couldn’t go home, that is usually where we ate dinner, I had no money and T would foot the bill. At this point T and I’s relationship was strictly casual and fun, so, hey, what the heck.
After a couple months, however, it was clearly apparent that while things were fun, our drinking habits had increased considerably. I was not much of a drinker before but due to my situation, I was following T. He needed “eye openers” more and more, lunch drinks to get rid of the shakes, and drinks so he could sleep. I, on the other hand, was growing tired of the bar and the liquor, but T and I were growing closer and closer and inevitably falling hard and fast for each other. Eventually, we fell in love.
Digressing again: T is a military man. He did a tour in Iraq and came back with PTSD. He hated it over there. He saw more than his share of bloodshed due to the role he played and the drinking did not help, although he felt like it did (numbing the memories and pain). There were many nights where the flashbacks were bad, the shotguns came out (not to shoot, but just for protection from the unseen), and the ghosts manifested.
It finally got to the point where his drinking was interfering with work (still full time with the military) and they politely insisted on inpatient rehabilitation. To make a long story a little shorter, he went for 29 days and returned home mid last month.
I made him a count down calendar for each day, went to see him every weekend, and showed him full support and I haven’t had a drink either since he left. I am ok with that. I believe it is the right thing to do.
Now that he is home, I am battling with feelings of responsibility for his sobriety. When he has an urge/craving to drink, I don’t know what to say or do. I am not good at this stuff.
He has not followed through with his aftercare. He still goes to his psychiatrist weekly and gives a feeble attempt to make a meeting once a week, but that’s it.
Sometimes, when he is having an urge, he will “jokingly” ask me if I want to stop by the bar and have a drink. When I say no, he says “jokingly” voices his disappointment. I have told him several times that he is an adult and if he wants to have a drink that is his choice. He cannot use me as an excuse. Isn’t that right?
I feel anxious if we’re both off work and I am not with him. Like I have to make sure he doesn’t drink. I asked him last night when he is going to start recovery even though he has been out of treatment for almost a month. I told him recovery and not drinking are two different things and that I don’t feel he is in recovery. He is just not drinking.
He’s been pushing his limits, like taking me out to dinner at the bar that we used to frequent. I don’t know how to address it or even if I should.
People keep telling me it is not my responsibility. But I am a caring participant. On the other hand, it’s not like he was a violent drunk or a mean drunk. In fact, he was just as generous and loving as he is when he is sober. But I do see the consequences.
He’s a soldier. So I believe accepting weakness is not an option for him at this time, or maybe ever. I hate to say anything to him because I don’t want to trigger him IN to drinking so I find myself keeping my mouth shut, which results in my own feelings of anxiety and frustration.
Last night, he had a drink. That is an entire other entry in and of itself, but it happened. How do I feel about it? I don’t know… Scared, I guess. I suppose this will manifest within me even more anxiety and feelings that I have failed in some way.
So I guess my situation is definitely two-fold. I see his issues, but I definitely see my own issues and am trying to figure out how to deal with them. I know I can’t fix him. I knew this was going to happen. I know myself. And now I can’t figure out how to stop my own anxieties and feelings of responsibility. He is not my child. I cannot fix him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
WELCOME!
You seem to be very aware of your partner's issues and have concerns for what his drinking is doing to him. You seem very aware and kind.
Meanwhile, How do YOU feel about having a partner that drinks? What if he doesn't go into recovery (ever)? Is that okay with you? What if he continues with drinking? Is that okay?
Like you said, he is not your child. So you can't control his drinking. In fact, they say around here:
You did not cause his drinking.
You cannot control his drinking.
You can not change his drinking.
It is as it is.
So, as you step away from the worry and concern and trying to help or support or fix or change or manage him in any way...you can step back to you. As Bernadette (another poster here) says, "time to put down the magnifying glass and get out the mirror".
He may well not recover. But if you are like most of us, while our partner is addicted to drink, we are addicted to our partner - worrying, helping, fixing, being mad about, being worried about, being frustrated with, trying to change, trying to get them to listen, etc. etc. (all labeled codependency) So while he may or may not recover, YOU can recover from your codependency.
Stick around. There is so much understanding and encouragement and (good) butt kicking going on around here 24-7.
The stickies at the top of the forum are a good place to start to learn about the crazy disease and what you can do.
Hugs,
Peace
You seem to be very aware of your partner's issues and have concerns for what his drinking is doing to him. You seem very aware and kind.
Meanwhile, How do YOU feel about having a partner that drinks? What if he doesn't go into recovery (ever)? Is that okay with you? What if he continues with drinking? Is that okay?
Like you said, he is not your child. So you can't control his drinking. In fact, they say around here:
You did not cause his drinking.
You cannot control his drinking.
You can not change his drinking.
It is as it is.
So, as you step away from the worry and concern and trying to help or support or fix or change or manage him in any way...you can step back to you. As Bernadette (another poster here) says, "time to put down the magnifying glass and get out the mirror".
He may well not recover. But if you are like most of us, while our partner is addicted to drink, we are addicted to our partner - worrying, helping, fixing, being mad about, being worried about, being frustrated with, trying to change, trying to get them to listen, etc. etc. (all labeled codependency) So while he may or may not recover, YOU can recover from your codependency.
Stick around. There is so much understanding and encouragement and (good) butt kicking going on around here 24-7.
The stickies at the top of the forum are a good place to start to learn about the crazy disease and what you can do.
Hugs,
Peace
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Hiya, Welcome. :-)
I'm a recovering Alcoholic Codie. You come first, that's what it's all about. You guys met in a bar and then spent most of the early courtship in a bar. So, I just want to make sure - You're not drinking? Right?
I'm a recovering Alcoholic Codie. You come first, that's what it's all about. You guys met in a bar and then spent most of the early courtship in a bar. So, I just want to make sure - You're not drinking? Right?
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hello there, just wanted to drop in and say hi, have you read he stickies at the top. This place has been an "eye-opener" for me (in a very different way LOL!).
you know you can't fix him, which is a good grounding,
do you know the 3 C's?
you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it...
which also means you can't make him drink any more than you can stop him. Time to focus on making sure that YOU are okay. I have never lived with an alcoholic who has stopped drinking, but I remember walking on eggshells, frustration and being scared living with an alcoholic who did drink,
((hugs))
you know you can't fix him, which is a good grounding,
do you know the 3 C's?
you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it...
I hate to say anything to him because I don’t want to trigger him IN to drinking so I find myself keeping my mouth shut, which results in my own feelings of anxiety and frustration.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
atamai,
i think you are realizing that what you do, doesn't really affect his drinking/not drinking. you have been entirely supportive, yet he still decided to take that drink.
many, if not most, of us feel that it's a slippery slope, if the addict is not continuously taking those actions to stay away from the behaviors and feelings inside that cause them to want to use drugs/alcohol. sheer will power, not talking about it, avoiding stress, is simply not enough.
please continue to read and post here. it will help you greatly.
welcome.
i think you are realizing that what you do, doesn't really affect his drinking/not drinking. you have been entirely supportive, yet he still decided to take that drink.
many, if not most, of us feel that it's a slippery slope, if the addict is not continuously taking those actions to stay away from the behaviors and feelings inside that cause them to want to use drugs/alcohol. sheer will power, not talking about it, avoiding stress, is simply not enough.
please continue to read and post here. it will help you greatly.
welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 2
Thank you all for you kind words. This weekend proved to be harder than I could have imagined!
To answer your questions, no, I am NOT drinking now. I haven’t had a drink since the beginning of March and that is part of my recovery. It is not just for him. It is for me as well.
Yes, I do believe I am addicted to him. I have always had that problem when I am in relationships. I fall too hard, too fast and too much!
So, he drank this weekend. Didn’t get drunk, but had a drink. 1 drink on 2 separate occasions. The first time I was with him. Played it cool. What was I gonna do? Freak out? Cause a scene? An argument later? What’s the point?
The second time I was waiting for him to come home. An hour and a half after he called saying he was on his way, he showed up. He didn’t lie about it. Told me right away. Cried. And it hurt. It hurt my feelings. I wasn’t angry. I was hurt and I don’t understand it.
Thanks for all your warm welcomes. I’ve been thinking about trying an Al Anon meeting. Thoughts?
To answer your questions, no, I am NOT drinking now. I haven’t had a drink since the beginning of March and that is part of my recovery. It is not just for him. It is for me as well.
Yes, I do believe I am addicted to him. I have always had that problem when I am in relationships. I fall too hard, too fast and too much!
So, he drank this weekend. Didn’t get drunk, but had a drink. 1 drink on 2 separate occasions. The first time I was with him. Played it cool. What was I gonna do? Freak out? Cause a scene? An argument later? What’s the point?
The second time I was waiting for him to come home. An hour and a half after he called saying he was on his way, he showed up. He didn’t lie about it. Told me right away. Cried. And it hurt. It hurt my feelings. I wasn’t angry. I was hurt and I don’t understand it.
Thanks for all your warm welcomes. I’ve been thinking about trying an Al Anon meeting. Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
yes, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, if you start attending alanon.
i understand the feeling of hurt. when my xah relapsed a year after his becoming sober, i felt devastated. like he did it to me or something. he didn't do it to me; he did it to himself and by himself. it really sounds as though he is not taking this quite seriously enough. it's hard to give up control of oneself, esp. if he's a military guy i would think. but, it is necessary.
i understand the feeling of hurt. when my xah relapsed a year after his becoming sober, i felt devastated. like he did it to me or something. he didn't do it to me; he did it to himself and by himself. it really sounds as though he is not taking this quite seriously enough. it's hard to give up control of oneself, esp. if he's a military guy i would think. but, it is necessary.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I Politely insisted? That's a nice way of putting it. No, I am not making fun, when I was ORDERED to rehab, the deal was that I seriously got with the PROGRAM or be generally discharged. (not honorable in other words).
There was a woman in my cycle that did NOT get it, and refused to say the words "I am an alcoholic." Refused to say it to the very end, she was discharged after 28 years in the Army as an Sergeant Major. No benefits for her. None. 2 years and a wake up to all the military has to offer retirees. But would not say the words.
I can't understand how your soldier is getting away with half-stepping his aftercare and his meetings. The aftercare was part of my "contract" to get sober and stay sober to end my army career honorably. There was no chance in hell I would be booted out of the Army with a general discharge. That is something you have to explain FOR LIFE!
No, you cannot control him or his drinking. Since he is active duty, he can get help for his PTSD. He has to ask for help. The most courage is shown by those who ask for help. How effective can he be as a drunk? Would you want to have your life or someone you love have to count on him in a foxhole? (okay, not so many foxholes now, but it is a team effort and if a member is loaded or trying to shake off a hangover, I dont want him to be part of my team.)
Tell him to at least be honest with the psychiatrist. The pdoc will be able to help him with the PTSD if he is self medicating with booze.
Still though, this is his problem and his problem alone. There is so much awareness in the Army now that he can get his needs met in any way. He has to ask. That is all.
From this signal soldier,
Bless your man for his service in Iraq.
I hope he gets the help he needs.
And you get to helping yourself.
Beth.
t finally got to the point where his drinking was interfering with work (still full time with the military) and they politely insisted on inpatient rehabilitation. To make a long story a little shorter, he went for 29 days and returned home mid last month.
There was a woman in my cycle that did NOT get it, and refused to say the words "I am an alcoholic." Refused to say it to the very end, she was discharged after 28 years in the Army as an Sergeant Major. No benefits for her. None. 2 years and a wake up to all the military has to offer retirees. But would not say the words.
I can't understand how your soldier is getting away with half-stepping his aftercare and his meetings. The aftercare was part of my "contract" to get sober and stay sober to end my army career honorably. There was no chance in hell I would be booted out of the Army with a general discharge. That is something you have to explain FOR LIFE!
No, you cannot control him or his drinking. Since he is active duty, he can get help for his PTSD. He has to ask for help. The most courage is shown by those who ask for help. How effective can he be as a drunk? Would you want to have your life or someone you love have to count on him in a foxhole? (okay, not so many foxholes now, but it is a team effort and if a member is loaded or trying to shake off a hangover, I dont want him to be part of my team.)
Tell him to at least be honest with the psychiatrist. The pdoc will be able to help him with the PTSD if he is self medicating with booze.
Still though, this is his problem and his problem alone. There is so much awareness in the Army now that he can get his needs met in any way. He has to ask. That is all.
From this signal soldier,
Bless your man for his service in Iraq.
I hope he gets the help he needs.
And you get to helping yourself.
Beth.
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