OT felt nothing for BF today

Old 04-08-2010, 09:15 PM
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Thumbs down OT felt nothing for BF today

I know some of you get how you can feel nothing towards someone.

It happened to me today.

When I saw BF I felt nothing.

He realized it and tried to hug me, kiss me and get near but now that I see it coldly, I have had lots of bad times due to him.

Christmas sucked
New years sucked
The night we moved to this apartment sucked
My birthday sucked
The concert we went to sucked

Is it so extraordinary I don't want to take him with me to a resting place by the end of the month?

I do not know if he is an allie or someone I need to guard and distance myself from.


Tonight he is out drinking with his friends. I am actually happy he is not home. I am enjoying being alone.

I am starting to dislike

How he complains about the economy
How his future plans change all the time
How his friends are not good people
How he talks about his parents and how much he resents them (and denies it)
How I am afraid of buying stuff for me now because I know he will criticize it.
How he "suddenly" starts behaving, cleaning and being nice and saying he loves me and everything will get better.

How I think its manipulation and XABF all over again. XABF wanted an enabler and he got one in me, NONA BF wants a savior and here I go.
How I use the "I need to work" excuse not to hang out with him.
How tense I imagine my "vacation" will be.
I am saying bye to my dad.
My grandma will be very very sad as well.
But grandma treated my mom and sis SUPERBAD in the past so I empathize with her and she has helped me, yet I can't trust her.
My dad's wife will be as usual next to him ALL THE TIME.

I would like to be with him and talk and be able to go through my emotions and mourn.

I can imagine my dad's wife asking BF tons of questions.
I can imagine how the interaction between my dad and BF steals my attention.
I can imagine how I won't be able to talk in liberty having BF with me.
I can imagine how I won't be able to talk in liberty if I get to see one or two friends over there.

I can imagine feeling stupid wasting all my holiday time in something that is not going to be very relaxing anyway.
I can imagine how hurt BF will be because I painted it all great and relaxing and "good for us" and now I may tell him sorry I decided to go by myself.
I can imagine my trip alone and getting depressed while traveling.
I can imagine my trip with BF and him complaining or making drama or me not so sure about him anymore and having too much stress and drama and uncertainties to handle at the same time.


I am a mess and not even have $ for therapy until the next paycheck
Poor me!!!!! lol.

God please grant me clarity and show me the way towards peace. And please do that for the SR friends who are currently as confused as me. Please show me who he is. Please let me know if I can trust him and am being "too harsh" (I have made mistakes and have hurt him too) or if I need to let him go and keep dettaching as respectfully as I can and focus on me and getting better and feeling better from the allergies, heartache, depression and daddy separation/abandonment triggering. And work tensions. And envy, green envy when I see happy women or ppl with a life.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:12 PM
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sometimes I get really jealous and angry over people who seem to be at peace, or are content, or who have a life...

Then I remember that a lot of people in my life have delt that way about me. They had no idea what I was going through or dealing with.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:56 PM
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Its been 7 hours.

I just called him. Sends me to VM.

I am here, 2 am, worrying and looking at the entrance door every couple of minutes.

Oh wait.--




He just called.

Was having dinner. I told him I was glad he was OK.



Note to self - DONT notice how drunk he is
DONT compare him to ex
DONT engage

Now I will play with the kittens which are awake.


Thanks Buffalo, yes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
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Old 04-09-2010, 01:55 AM
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Right.

BF arrived and I could breathe the alcohol.

He wanted to "talk".

I should have known better.

He said he loved me.

He said I was the one twisting things.

He said he has changed things to make me feel better.

He said I was too harsh on him.

He said he had cried because I told him I wanted to live alone.

He asked if we could sleep together on the floor.

I accepted.

He made a pass at me.


And it made me feel vulnerable, very sad and like an idiot.

I left. I told him I resented several things. He asked if I loved him and I said I was not sure. He said "then should I start forgetting you?"

I thought "how loved do I feel when he makes a pass at me while drunk when its OBVIOUS I am having a stressful time?"

So I said I felt bad for it and it was the same that happened back in September and I couldn't believe I was STILL living that and triggering painful moments from the past. I felt I failed myself horribly. The emotions got the best of me and I started crying. He tried to hug me and I told him to let me rest and shut the door of one of the rooms and locked it.

Been crying for an hour. Wow. God, please..send me clarity and focus... keep showing me who he is so I gather my strength.

I feel very lonely and sad but I know when this is over and I live by myself I will sleep with my cats and it will be great.

In the future when I feel sad can you remind me how stressful was to handle high severity tickets while he made drama saying I didn't pay him attention? can you remind me of all the times I cried because I felt vulnerable in bed. can you remind me he never paid me any money back? can you remind me how this year's bday was the worst ever? even the past year I managed to have a better time than this one. can you remind me how I felt like 120 years old next to him?
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Old 04-09-2010, 02:03 AM
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In my location I put "Love street" and I still live in Love street because I still live here and I am the main ingredient for said love.

I gather many moments that I was grabbing some joy or relaxation. And how he ruined most of them with passes or complaints.

Now as I need money I am planning to sell the matress and the laptop he used for videogames.

NOTE to self: dont share apartment with guys for at least 3 or 4 decades.
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Old 04-09-2010, 03:43 AM
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Aw, TC, sending encouragement and hugs.

You have a right to feel what you feel.

You have a right to have needs for yourself, and express them, and seek ways to get them met.

You have a right to distance from you those people, places, and things that get in the way of your needs or serenity.

You have a right to change course, and make decisions in your own best interest.

You have a lot of rights, but you must take an active, not passive role, to get them met.

And BTW, you may be experiencing ahead-of-time grief toward losing your father.

:ghug3

CLMI
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