When is it OK to leave a toddler with an alcoholic

Old 04-08-2010, 11:29 AM
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When is it OK to leave a toddler with an alcoholic

Hi everyone.

I need some advice/perspective. When is it OK to leave a toddler with an alcoholic? What factors influence that? Please share your opinion.

Thanks,
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:35 AM
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My husband is staying with his parents (and apparently drinking again). Each situation is different. I pounded him over that one and we both, thanks to advice given here, signed a contract stating we will not drink when the children are in our care or 12 hours prior. Now, I adore his parents. So, I do trust my children there. But, I did call them and DEEPLY expressed my concern and the lengths I'd go to protect them should the agreement get breached.

If it's not a parent, I wouldn't do it at all. If it's a grandparent, I'd hang out and visit also.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:39 AM
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Like Ali said, it depends on the situation and the kind of drinking this person does. Do you have a custody agreement in place with this alcoholic? Mine, though not legally ratified yet, indicates that both mother and father are to abstain from alcohol or drug consumption 12 hours prior to visitation with the child, and of course during said visitation. So far, I think my XAH has kept to it. He was never, however, a raging drunk and he never drove. Eventually, I assessed that he was just a pathetic drunk who drank more in the evenings and then felt sorry for himself. On my lawyer's advice, I scheduled his visitation in the early afternoon, when he's less likely to have started drinking and when he's probably not still hung over from the night before. I haven't administered a breathelizer test to him though it's been suggested to me that I could before each visit and then assess whether or not he's capable of caring for our daughter.

It really sucks but you may have to play booze police to protect your child from this person.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:49 AM
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"I haven't administered a breathelizer test to him though it's been suggested to me that I could before each visit and then assess whether or not he's capable of caring for our daughter."

I wouldn't have thought to do this. Yep, sad. But I'm tucking it away in my brain for possible future reference. :-)
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:01 PM
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One of the situations I'm concerned about involves a toddler, not mine, being left in the care of an alcoholic and their sober spouse. I don't know if anyone is sure when the "sober times" for this person are.

The alcoholism is unrecognized, and I'm wondering if a spouse in active denial could be counted on to make sure the child was cared for. Why would a spouse in denial ask the alcoholic not to drive with the child, for example? Or "know" not to leave them alone?

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Old 04-08-2010, 12:07 PM
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depends on the individuals, I guess.
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:09 PM
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Are you able to elaborate on the situation a bit? It's tough to just give out random advice without knowing more...
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:12 PM
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Yes, more info would help.
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:16 PM
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How close are you to the sober spouse?
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:23 PM
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The toddler, my nephew, is occasionally babysat by two different relatives, both active alcoholics.

His alcoholic aunt lives alone, and his alcoholic grandma lives with her husband. Both are "secret" alcoholics.

I'm trying to decide if I should talk to my brother in law about whether this is a good idea. None of my business? I'm unsure, as we might be talking about basic physical safety, right? Then again, it doesn't happen too often.

Should I stop worrying?
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:24 PM
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I have 2 thoughts here,
1. IMO it is never okay to leave a child alone with an active alcoholic. My AH only has supervised visits with the kids. I cannot trust that he will be sober. He could be sober when I drop them off and then drink while they are in his care. Then the breathalizer is useless.
*backstory* My AH ONLY drank at night, so at one time I thought it was okay to leave him alone with the kids in the morning so I could run errands. It worked for a while until I arrived home at 11am after being gone 1 hour and he was passed out drunk on the couch. The little ones were upstairs with older dd (thankfully). After that....never again.

My second thought,
If the child has a sober person their to care for them while the A is around, I think that is ok. I mean I lived with my AH and our kids for many years before I left.
I try to remind myself that.... I will never know enough about another persons situation to know what is right for them.
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by 1234 View Post
The toddler, my nephew, is occasionally babysat by two different relatives, both active alcoholics.

His alcoholic aunt lives alone, and his alcoholic grandma lives with her husband. Both are "secret" alcoholics.

I'm trying to decide if I should talk to my brother in law about whether this is a good idea. None of my business? I'm unsure, as we might be talking about basic physical safety, right? Then again, it doesn't happen too often.

Should I stop worrying?
Does your BIL know they are A's?
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:26 PM
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Thumper - I don't know either of them. Since the alcoholism isn't talked about in the family, I don't know if my brother-in-law has enough information to know things like when grandma is sober.

I could ask him more questions, but I wonder if I should even be involved at all. (?)
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:27 PM
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Daisy,

Yeah, he's the one who told me.
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by 1234 View Post
I'm trying to decide if I should talk to my brother in law about whether this is a good idea. None of my business? I'm unsure, as we might be talking about basic physical safety, right? Then again, it doesn't happen too often.

Should I stop worrying?
Where a child's safety and well-being is concerned (especially a family member), I'd say that it is your business. HOWEVER, being as you clearly can't change your brother in law's mind for him, I'd speak my peace--once, and then step back. It's HARD. Really hard, especially when there's a child involved. And yet, you don't control the outcome of this situation.

Also, if you start to notice neglect of the child due to the caregiver's drinking, then it stands to reason that you could call Child Services. It won't make you popular, but who cares?
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by 1234 View Post
Daisy,

Yeah, he's the one who told me.
That is a tricky one. Really it isn't your business, BUT there is an innocent child involved.
Maybe somehow you could arrive on the subject and simply inquire on how he feels about leaving the child with them?
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:33 PM
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I agree with NDB2D
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:34 PM
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I'm still confused.

Your nephew is the toddler in question. Does he live with both his parents? Are both his parents sober?

He has an aunt and a grandma that occasionally babysit. They are alcoholic. Does the toddler's parents know this?
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:42 PM
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Thumper,

That's what I get for trying to be vague. I still have anonymity worries, dunno why.

Anyway, my nephew's mother was just "forced" into treatment. So there are a lot of alcoholics to keep straight in this story.
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:50 PM
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If the toddler has two functioning parents, that know their babysitters have alcohol problems, and are making a decision to leave their toddler with them from time to time, I'm not sure there is much you can do. They must feel like they know the people well enough to keep their child safe at the times they leave him with them..

If you have more information about the child not being safe, then I would share that in a very non-confrontational way and do so one time.

If this is a case where one parent is alcoholic and one parent is co-dependent and in a bit of denial it is a different thing. Also one in which I have more experience since I was that co-dependent in denial spouse. My husband has drank for many years and, even now in hindsight, I do not think my children were in any danger when being left with him until the last 6 months. Things got worse and I should have put them in daycare 6 months sooner then I did. If I would have had someone close to me come to me and kindly, gently, non-accusingly discuss this with me, I might have actually been relieved. My world was so filled with self doudt and confusion that one other person collaborating my 'gut' would have been a push in the right direction. It is a fine line because for go about it to bossy or strong and walls of anger and denial will be thrown at you, fueled by shame, guilt, and fear of what is going on, what was allowed to happen, and what might have to be done about it.
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