Thumper

Why am I having such a hard time now. I am out. I am free. I am soooo happy and relieved with that part. I have zero regrets (other then not getting away sooner). I could never go back to that crazy land. I do feel a thousand percent better then I did then. Absolutely.

I am still struggling so much with such a feeling of hopelessness. I am in the process of buying a house I can afford, the kids are settling down a bit, so things are going well but I just feel so mired. I am struggling a lot at work. I'm doing a terrible job to be honest and I am having such a hard time staying focused and doing well. I know I can't lose my job or I'm done for. I want to be happy with where I am, now that I have what I wanted, and while I am thankful, I still feel hopeless.

I am not going to counseling or Al-anon right now because I'd have to take 2 hours off work to driver there, attend, and get back, and I have no vacation time left. I am looking for a babysitter here so I can attend an evening meeting. I admit to dragging my feet on that because I feel so badly about leaving the kids when I am gone from them so much anyway but I think I have learned that I need to take care of myself first or all the rest falls apart. I would like to go back to the counselor but that is a daytime thing only.

Is this feeling just a normal phase of the process?

stella27

honey, I don't know, but I feel kind of the same way. ((hugs))

What things make you feel good? calm? Quiet inside? A cup of coffee? lunch with a friend? a walk?

Do you have an understanding boss? I ask because I think counseling or even al-anon could be considered a mental health appointment. Or a good boss would give you 2 hours per week to go to a counseling appointment if he/she knew what was going on.

I kept so much inside of me for so long. I was acting erratically and didn't realize it. My boss called me in. Once we talked about it, I acted better, I felt better. And now, if I need something (counseling every 2 weeks?), I know that all I have to do is ask.

I had become so accustomed to sucking it up and doing it all myself that I didn't realize how strung-out I was becoming. (and this continues to be true for me).

Redheadsusie

Change However much it is needed or wanted is hard and scary for me- I have found that I have to take care of myself so I can take care of the kids. Your message to me was so nice and to hear that you are stuggling yourself makes me sad. I am great at helping others but when it comes to myself - not so much. Know that you are strong, time will heal- you have to give yourself a break- You will survive and be better off - Something great is coming!

Thumper

I don't even know anymore. I love to read but have not been able to pick up a book in a couple of months. I love to be outside. That is very helpful. Spring is finally here so will plan more outdoor activities as weather allows.

I have very good bosses. I work all by myself. I am the only one in the building. I just moved. I have no friends. I'm not sure what I need to do first. Just come up with a plan and do something I imagine. Get off the internet and work would be a start so I'll do that now

I do think I'm at a point where this job might not be the best fit any more. There aren't other options right now but I do look.

TakingCharge999

I get the feeling.

I read somewhere how "society's obsession with happiness" was making everyone even more unhappy! it made sense.

Got no wisdom just know you are not alone..... also consider HALT

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

It has changed my life to stop several times a day and see how I am doing in regards to all of those. I have found I abandon myself often.

Having no close friends nearby sucks. For some reason none of my "socializing" plans work very well. I take that as a message that I need to be alone, find my center....

Something that is an instant boost for me is listening to a song I love :ghug3

Thumper

Thank you. Your post is a good reminder for me to *Sleep*.

The sleep thing is a vicious cycle for me. I stay up late to be alone and quiet and do stuff but then I am tired. And then my need to be alone and quiet increases. And then I stay up, and never feel like I have time, more sleep deprived and do not enjoy my day, which makes me feel more of a need to be alone.

I really just need to go to bed. I'll also tune into Pandora tonight.

I'm a little lonely but not bad. I'm so introverted. I like staying home, and get very stressed and mentally exhausted if there is to much going on or to many people to deal with.

Thanks again, it is helpful to just know I'm not the only one.

ItsmeAlice

I have come to the conclusion that these feelings are definitely part of the process.

I started by trying to improve my physical health, that led me to improving my emotional health, that led me to SR and recovery, that led me to leave my XABF, that led me to live with my Xbest friend, that led me to drop ties with my toxic Xbest friend and move, that led me to serious financial issues trying to support myself and my pets, and that has led me to push harder with my managers to get me the right accounts so I can finally have more money coming in than is going out.

I have found that all the emotional stress and financial strain along the way has led me to be more resourceful and independent and has led me to changes for the better. I have a better focus on what is important. I am more discerning with how I spend my money and my time and who I spend it on or with. I have a small network of friends now that I am cultivating cautiously and my bonds with family are reforming.

If it hadn't been for my initial decision to focus on my well being three years ago, this snowball that is my life would never have gotten underway.

I couldn't change my whole world in the blink of an eye and there was so much I had let slide that needed changing from my health, to my relationships, to my career.

I thank my higher power now everyday that I only worked on one big change at a time (even though it was a huge struggle to keep my head above water and I still have days that are like that).

You can't climb a mountain in one big step....you gotta crawl your way on your knees. And while you're already down there, it doesn't hurt to say a prayer or two.

Please hang in there and don't dispair. You can do this!!

Alice

transformyself

You've got a good line on the sleep issue. I have the same problem, with staying up too late to get alone time. When I go to bed at 8 or 9 and get up at 4 to work things are much better.

Also, I think that once we fully detox and move away from our obsessive lifestyles we're left with ourselves, which is really the only thing we have any control over. So-if you're unhappy, make it your "project" to create the most grateful happy life you can.

What kind of woman do you want to be? See it. Make it happen, today starting right now.

For me, it's all about positive thinking and visualizing my life the way I want it to be. Nothing is too outrageous, no goal too lofty.

This is also really good, a reason to celebrate! You know yourself, your needs and what makes you tick. So, ensure you're getting your own needs met and you'll feel better.

Me, I'm a screaming extrovert. In the body of an extrovert. And I need time with people. I"m getting so much of it right now it's amazing. It makes me happy but exhausted. Tons of speaking engagements, interviewing folks, testifying before Congress next week.

I hope this helps Thumper. We can heal ourselves, our lives. It's just a matter of reprogramming us and the things we say to ourselves.

TakingCharge999

I stay up late to be alone and quiet and do stuff but then I am tired. And then my need to be alone and quiet increases. And then I stay up, and never feel like I have time, more sleep deprived and do not enjoy my day, which makes me feel more of a need to be alone.

Hey I also do that!! and suffer from the same!!

I am trying to take that quiet time in the early morning instead of late at night. So when others start waking up and I got to prepare for work, etc. I already got meditation, yoga and my peace and joy with me to take me through the day............ thus making me tired earlier at night, so I can put my earplugs, close my eyes and wake up very very early the next day again.

lulu1974

That is a good idea as mornings are one of my toughest.I should get up and do my stuff and ease into the day..right now I roll out of bed with mins ti spare, shower and jump in the car for my commute to work.

Thanks for the idea.

FindingPeace1

You know what has been my saving grace?
I wake up at 8:00 to call my mom on Skype and meditate for 20 min on Skype with her!
Mornings are tough, too (esp now with no job), but once I am done meditating, I feel better and can start my day! I might skip it when I am feeling low, but I know my mom is waiting for the call, so it gets me going.

bookwyrm

(((Thumper)))

You're post is so similar to where I am right now - up to the lack of good sleep, the love of books, working on my own, dislike of groups of peoeple and being an introvert!!

I too am struggling day by day - though it is getting a little better. A friend reminded me last week to stop and look at what I've just been through. It's been a LOT of change and upheaval. So of course I still have a lot of emotions to deal with now that I have the time and a safe place to deal with them! The marriage is over but I'm still feeling the aftershocks...

I was with XAH for 18 years. I spent last Sunday sobbing my eyes out. Crying over losing the man I fell in love with. It didn't matter that I had slowly lost him over the years and he was well and truly gone by the end. It didn't matter that I really wanted to be free and have embraced NC and singlehood. It doesn't matter that there is no way on this earth that I would want him back. I still need to give myself time, patience and space to grieve.

I feel much better after my crying spell - I don't cry a lot. What I need to remember is to be patient with myself. Just cos the divorce is done and I'm in my own place it doesn't mean the grief is finished and I'm all 'healed'. I'm letting go of how I think I 'should' be thinking and feeling and trying to work on what I actually am thinking and feeling.

The feelings of hopelessness are dulled, for me, by my anti depressants. They're the only thing that keep me getting out of bed each day! Have you talked to your doctor about how you are feeling? Is this something you would consider trying?

Take care of yourself and know that you are far from alone! :ghug3

Thumper

No I haven't spoke to the doctor. I've never been on meds but I'm not against them. I'm going to make a pact with myself to go to bed at a decent hour, and to get outside in the sun more. If that doesn't do the trick I will make an appt. I need to get my blood pressure checked anyway.

You might be on to something about just feeling sad over the loss of it all. I had so much resentment and desire to leave but I left, and so did the resentment for the most part. Now maybe I just need to accept that there is still sadness over the ending of this chapter as well as the loss of the chapters I had wrote that, as it turns out, will not be part of the book.

I also wanted to say thank you to everyone for responding. It is so kind of you to give me support when you are all going through the same thing. Wishing you all a content and peaceful 2010.

Learn2Live

Thumper, I'm going through the same kind of thing. It feels like I was getting settled, happy most days, etc but lately I have just been very anxious and it feels like everything has been turned upside down. Some days I don't know if I'm coming or going. But looking back I can clearly see periods of time where things were clear to me, where I felt strong, self-assured, etc. But right now for me is a period of change and I will just have to accept that this too shall pass. This is why it is so important to have reminders around the house and at work of the GOOD things you have done, your personal accomplishments and good times--so that during times like these, we are reminded and do not become downtrodden. Keep chin up girl--fake it till you make it.