Newbie Having Trouble Moving On

Old 04-08-2010, 12:10 AM
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Newbie Having Trouble Moving On

Hi, I’ve been reading this board off and on for a few years now and finally decided to sign up and post something on it. A few years ago, I got caught up in what I would call a mutual entanglement with someone I met online. We never officially dated, but I’m not sure if we were strictly friends either. I thought he really cared about me, but as I look back on it, I cannot help but wonder if any of it was ever real.

When I met him, not only was he drinking, but he was doing drugs as well. I thought he was a nice enough guy that somehow I was willing to overlook these seemingly noteworthy traits. When he was using and drinking, we talked to each other almost every other day. We even talked about the possibility of meeting each other. But then all of a sudden things seemed to change the moment he decided to get sober and it an instant it felt as though I had lost my best friend.

It’s been about three years since the last time we really spoke to each other, but I still have a hard time moving on with my life. I’m not exactly sitting around waiting for him to come back into my life, but I still seem to have a hard time living my life without him. I think the main reason why I am having such a hard time moving on is the thought that one day he will come back into my life again. And so I guess I keep thinking about what that would be like, and what I would do if that were to ever happen.

He never really said that he did not want to be my friend anymore. He just seemed to disappear and said that it was difficult for him to be my friend. But he also said that some day he would like to be my friend again. Now I am honestly not quite sure if what he said was true, but it sure does make it difficult to move on with my life. I’m really torn about what to do. Has anyone else been through a similar situation?
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:38 AM
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You never met this guy and it's been three years since you communicated?

What do you mean by "move on"? You haven't been dating in three years or you haven't really let go of the fantasy that he might come back into your life and be close again?

I don't really understand the relationship you had with him. You said you met him, but then you said you didn't meet him. Was it one of those on the phone/internet friendships that felt really close?
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Old 04-08-2010, 01:25 AM
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Sorry, I guess I’ve got a bit to learn about posting messages. It was one of those long distance internet phone things. I don’t really understand the relationship myself except for the fact that it somehow took place. and by moving on, I guess I mean letting go of the fantasy that he would want to come back into my life again. I don’t know, maybe I have come to the wrong place.

Insanity is known as doing the same thing over again while somehow expecting the outcome to be different. So I just thought I would try something different for a change. Please forgive me if I have somehow come to the wrong place. I’m not exactly the best when it comes to sharing things with others especially over the internet. I just thought I would give it a try.
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Old 04-08-2010, 04:40 AM
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Okay, well they always say that the third time is the charm, so thought I would give this another try. So here goes nothing.

About three years ago was the last time I spoke to him on the phone. Online communication sometimes feels a bit too impersonal to me, so I don’t always count it even though I should. After the last time we spoke on the phone, I continued to contact him through email and online chatting. I guess I figured that if I just gave it some time that he would eventually start talking to me again the way he once did. When he didn’t come around after six or eight months, I finally gave it up, or so I thought.

A few months after that, I met another guy who I’ve been dating off and on for about the past two years. I’m wondering if maybe the reason why I feel as though I never really got over the long distance thing was because maybe I was just trying to live out the fantasy I had with him with someone who was real. And now that I’ve broken up with my boyfriend, maybe I’m just thinking back to the long distance thing as a way of thinking about what could have been if only I had made different choices in my life.

I don’t know, none of this really makes any sense to me. I’m not even sure how the heck I got so attached to the long distance thing in the first place. I mean as my boyfriend has told me a million times by now, we never even met each other in person. So how is it that he could have meant so much to me, and why the heck did I get so caught up in his addiction, and why the heck did I end up dating someone who is basically just like him?

I don’t know, it really doesn’t make much sense to me. I really don’t understand. I guess I was just hoping that there might be someone out there who might understand, and would be willing to share some of their experiences or insights with me. Although who the heck knows, maybe I will find what I’m looking for just by reading more of what has already been posted on here. But anyways, I just thought I would give this whole posting thing another try.
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Old 04-08-2010, 05:04 AM
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CocoonGirl,

I had one of those relationships (online chat rooms). It was very very intense. I like to think of myself as a fairly rational person, but I was spending all my time online talking to him or others in the group. It didnt matter to me that we never met, he lived in California and I lived in Michigan. I wanted, needed, craved that attention.
After a few months, he finally used my phone number to call me. I was thrilled. We had a nice conversation, and he even talked about coming to Michigan to meet me.
The day after the phone conversation, he dropped out of sight. Offline, closed his email account and blocked me from his chat.
I was heartbroken, completely devastated. How could he do that? I thought there was something special going on. After telling another friend in our group, he told me he has done this before (he was married, never mentioned that!) and that I should just take it as a hard learned lesson in the reality of online relationships. Took me awhile to get over it though. I felt used and stupid. I was depressed.
If you are still searching for a relationship like the one you had, you are using your energy and focus on the wrong thing. Take care of yourself.
Have you considered counseling? If you are concentrating on something that is unlikely to happen, you are not open to what the world has to offer you.
I just wanted to say I understand, and I hope you find your way to happiness again for yourself.
Beth
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Old 04-08-2010, 05:53 AM
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Other than this site, I am not an internet social person.

However, I have had relationships that fizzled and I was left wondering why and wanting the spark back. Periodically, I wonder how an ex is doing. Where the are? Do they have children? Would we get along now? These are mostly boys I dated in my teens and early 20's, but there were fun sparks back then. Every once in a while I come across something that makes me think of one.

Maybe something in your life right now isn't where you want it to be and you are looking back to fill a void?
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:08 AM
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Relationships based over the internet, phone calls or letters are not based in reality.

That statement is my personal understanding based on my experiences. I met my daughter's father through being his pen-pal. We communicated for a year via letters, hit it off I thought he was great, he liked me, we were best friends etc etc.

Then we met face to face and within a period of 4 months, didn't want to see each other anymore. By that time I had also fallen pregnant.

The imagery he portrayed and I guess, that which I portrayed; could not be maintained when in close quarters. Thats not to say we deliberatly lied to one another, but it was easier to read and re-write, embellish, skim over things and stay superficial in terms of showing personality traits.

I found the same applied 10 or so years later when I tried Internet dating for a period. Every time I met the guy, it was like a different person from who I had got to know and thought I liked.

The guy in your head is very likely a mix of who you actually knew of this person and all the attributes you have projected onto him from your own mind.

Bottom line is also this, he is NOT in your life at the moment and it would be a shame to waste your life waiting for him.

Live your life in the now based on the FACTS at hand.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 04-09-2010, 09:34 PM
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I’ve tried therapy before, but it never really seems to work for me. The last time I gave it a try, it seemed as though it wasn’t long before I started asking the therapist questions as a way to avoid answering the ones she had for me. It seemed as though I was depending more on her to do the work for me instead of actually doing the work for myself.

I can also remember working with a therapist when I was a bit younger and being scolded for doing something wrong in some kind of assignment my therapist had given me. I cannot remember the specifics of the assignment, but I remember that it had something to do with writing out my thoughts or feelings and how I reacted in the situation where these thoughts and feelings occurred.

I came back the next week proud that I was able to follow through with the assignment she had given me. I had put a lot of hard work and effort into the assignment, but my therapist told me that I somehow did it all wrong. It’s possible that she tried explaining it to me again, but the only thing I remember is how much I somehow messed it all up. Ever since then I’ve been afraid to voice my own thoughts or opinions out of the fear that someone else will judge me and tell me that I’ve somehow got things all wrong.
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Old 04-10-2010, 06:31 AM
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Welcome to F&F, CocoonGirl. I have a hunch that you're in the right place. Have you had a chance to read the stickies at the top of the board? You might also pick up Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Even if you're not currently in a relationship with an addict, you'll learn so much by studying the patterns that us codependents rely on just to deal with life.

OK, I could be wrong, but you seem like a person who is awfully hard on herself. I picked up on this because you sort of cyber-flinched when people asked you for more detail about your previous relationship. Nobody even suggested you're in the wrong place--that came from you. We simply asked for more information--a neutral question.

This is not a criticism of you! One of the patterns of codependency is to assume we're wrong and other people are right. Some of us even believe we're wrong just for existing and having needs. We're sensitive, caring people and are easily hurt, and for some reason (it's our job to find out why) we choose the people most likely to hurt us as partners.

As I read your description of your therapist's interactions with you, I wonder if the "doing it wrong" reaction came from you internally, rather than from her. Maybe it didn't--maybe she was just an incompetent therapist (only an incompetent therapist would tell you you did an exercise "wrong.") But part of the healing process for codependency is untangling that huge snarled ball of yarn that is our emotions and separating what's coming from inside us from what's coming from other people. Did she actually say, "you did it wrong?"

Just some food for thought. I hope you stick around and find peace and self-love from what you learn here. I know I have.
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Old 04-15-2010, 09:28 PM
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Yeah, I’ve been going through some of the stickies at the top of the message board. They all seem to be good reads. Although I imagine that is why they have stickies attached to them.

I came across The New Codependency a few weeks ago, but for some reason I always seem to get lost in the reading. Is Codependent No More easier to follow? I thought that since they were by the same author that they would be the same, but maybe not?

The incident with my therapist happened so long ago that I don’t remember her exact words. But I know that she definitely wasn’t pleased with the assignment I tried to complete. All I remember was that somehow I did not do what she had asked me to do, and as a result, I felt horrible. I don’t remember seeing her much after this incident.

It was just something that came to mind as I thought about reasons why therapy has never really seemed to work for me. I’ve thought about giving it another try, but I guess I’m afraid that it won’t work again. I’m not always that good about talking about my problems because half of the time I’m not even sure where to begin. If only talking could be as easy as writing, then I would be just fine.

And as far as the cyber-flinching thing goes, I probably have been a bit hard on myself lately. I posted my message shortly after another stupid argument with my boyfriend, or I guess my now ex-boyfriend. He does not claim to be an alcoholic, but he acts like it, and I certainly react to it, and as a result, our relationship sure does look like it. I went three weeks without any contact with him, but broke it because there were just too many things that kept reminding me of him. I don’t know, maybe things will be easier now that his birthday is over for the year.

I think the reason why I was thinking back to the internet friendship thing was to somehow fill the void of missing my boyfriend. The internet guy was there for me during a dark time in my life, and I think sometimes I think back on it thinking that it doesn’t really work this way, but I guess sometimes my mind just goes there anyway.

But I think that is it for now. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
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