grrl77

My ex-abf and I don't talk much anymore. We may run into each other occasionally on instant messenger, but we'll go months without talking sometimes. Last night, we got to talking about music. A simple comment from me, cascaded into him voicing his opinion, which led into an argument, which went down hill fast. He was twisting and turning things, taking something I'd said in a general sense and applied it to his own personal situation of his in the past, and made it about him. He was working himself up into such a frenzy because we didn't see eye to eye on something, and terminated the conversation. I logged off. I laid down in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and then thought you know what, eff this.

I got back up. Logged back in. He was still online. I shot him a message and said you know what? You don't get to judge me. It's BS that you think you can just run over me like that. "You know what, that's fine, because I'm over your petty (blah blah blah, etc etc etc.) I told him something I've never said to him, ever: I'm done with this. This is a cycle that keeps continuing. You get trashed, you get mean, you pick fights to make yourself feel better, the next day, you feel bad, or don't remember, rinse and repeat. You wanna do that, go ahead, but I'm not going to be your verbal assault go-to anymore. I've done nothing to deserve this, and I'm not doing it anymore." And I logged off before he got a chance to say anything. Of course this morning, I got some martyr job, where "This is why I ignore you half the time, because you get me with ******** G, and I don't like fighting with you, so if you wanna keep talking ******** drunk G, have fun." I didn't respond, as much as I wanted to.

About 2pm today, I got this e-mail from him at work. I'm guessing he wrote me in the middle of the afternoon to show he still thought the same way, while sober. Continuation of our debate and his points on it, from last night, advising me in the end that he felt it best we go our separate ways, still carrying on about points I made in the discussion that he completely took out of context. I deleted this e-mail, and didn't respond.

I'm tired. Tired of the fighting. Tired of having to explain my point of view when everyone but him seems to get it. I'm tired of being judged. All I've ever done is care about the guy. And I wonder what happened. I don't miss him in a romantic sense anymore; I just miss my friend. I miss our talks and the fun times we used to have. He wants me out of his life. I'm terrified to let go. I'm afraid that some day, I'll hear that he died in his apartment with his cat watching over him, from a coworker or something.

Trying to figure all this out, all the reactions, etc.. It's maddening. It'll make you crazy trying. I don't try much anymore, but once in awhile, like last night, the thought snakes in. I realize it's not about me realistically, but I wonder why he comes at me with such venom. He claims I'm the only one he fights this way with. My best guess is because I'm the only one that's given a crap enough to stay around this long. I don't know if that makes me a good friend on some level, crazy, or selfish. Maybe a little of all three. All I know is that right now, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of totally letting go. Like I said, I just miss my friend. I know that he's not around right now, and it just makes me really sad. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. My dear friend doesn't seem interested in getting help at this time, he just sort of pushes everyone away from him, and I guess that's his call.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. Guess now I have something to talk about, eh? Blah.

Ceres

"I'm guessing he wrote me in the middle of the afternoon to show he still thought the same way, while sober."

That's very insightful of you. When I was actively drinking, I would find anything to pick on and just keep rolling with it until it became completely unreasonable. The next day, no matter how mortified I might have been, I would roll it around in my head and tell myself that it was appropriate. I'd let him know it too. Even tho, deep down I knew the truth. There was no rhyme or reason to the things I would bring up while drinking.

Pelican

Let go or be dragged.

I hope you are able to discuss with your counselor your fears of letting go of an unhealthy relationship.

suki44883

Hopefully, you will remove him from your IM contacts, if you haven't already.

lulu1974

Good for you for saying your peace...this is a process...

nodaybut2day

At some point, when you're ready, you'll just give up the need to get him to understand your point of view. Right now though, I know you're in the grips of that need. It's ok though. It will pass. Remember that reasoning with an alcoholic is just...pointless.

grrl77

I just get frustrated, because he and I used to get each other. When we were together, we could talk for hours. We used to actually have fun in our conversations, even if we disagreed. I mean, just for example, our topic the other night was me bringing up cheesy bands from the early 90s, and I mentioned that song, "Iesha," from a band made of kids at the time. I mentioned that it's weird to hear about ten year olds singing about being with women, given the lyrics to the song, and I thought it was just as gross of an exploitation as the Texas moms who throw their kids in a pageant. It could have just been a simple statement, but then he asked me why I felt it was so terrible, and I'd mentioned that there's no way I'd want my kid up on stage, dressed scantily at ten years old, singing about making it with some boy. It's just gross. I made the comment, "Yeah, so every pedo out there can be scoping my kid out? No way." He said, "Pedos aren't going to scope the kid out just because she's famous. They're doing what they're doing, regardless, to kids in their family, or family friends' kids, I should know, because I was molested as a kid." (I knew this, I just didn't see what it had to do with what we were talking about. Suddenly, it was about him.) So I said, well that might be the case, but why would I put my kid at risk? "Oh, so now you know all about the sociological aspect of pedophiles, even though I was the one molested?"

What?

And even when he's sober, the 2pm e-mail I got, said all this same stuff. Going off about my "insensitivity" to the issue, and blah blah blah. I just feel like he's picking apart my argument, taking what he wants out of it to make it about himself. But then there's that questioning part of me that thinks, "Well, what if I really offended him? I mean, that's certainly not how I meant it, should I apologize?" He said he feels like any time we talk and he holds a different opinion, I'm always going to wave it off due to his sobriety issues, so what's it matter anyway? Blah blah blah.

I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to make sense of stuff that doesn't make sense. I just don't know what happened. Seems like we can't hold differing opinions with out things exploding, and I'm always left sitting here, going, "What just happened?"

suki44883

I agree with noday...at some point, you just won't care what he thinks.

nodaybut2day

Alcohol happened.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh. He's the tangled ball of yarn you just can't untangle, and it's best to walk away. You deserve better than this.

wicked

grrl,

are you waiting for things to get back to what they "used to" be? and, i wonder if your memories of what used to be are clouded a little bit....you miss your friend.
i understand this.
but, for him, it is obviously only about him. he wants the attention, that is all.
actively drinking, he cannot make sense other than life sucks, he has no friends (other than you) to listen to his crap, and everything is about him.
you say he called you sober. i know when i was actively drinking, i might have not had a drink for a few hours, but there was always alcohol in my blood. it affected my actions and thoughts at all times. at all times.
you are not going to hear from your friend. every conversation will turn around on you and try to make you feel guilty. if he dies alone with only his cat looking on, how is that your problem, your business, your obligation?
it's not. honestly grrl, even if the conversations start out well, do they always turn into crap, or most of the time? then he calls later to make sure you "got it" about being insensitive. jesus please us.
let go or be dragged. i think you got some road rash already.
Beth

Thumper

Two perfect snippets - one right after the other.

The woman here, all of you, at all stages of recovery, have so much to share. A sentence here, a sentence there, so much just strikes home. I'm so fortunate to have found this place.

I like the let go or be dragged visual. I'm going to pull it out when I am struggling with a specific situation. I have to much experience with road rash in the past, lol, will try to avoid at all costs!